Double standards

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’m really struggling at the moment with the huge disparity between what is expected / demanded of our household and what DP’s ex partner thinks is acceptable behaviour for her.

I’m sure many of you are familiar with my previous posts but a quick summary for those who aren’t:

• DP and his exgf split up nearly 12 years ago, I’ve been in a relationship with DP for over 6 years.
• DP and his ex have 2 DDs who are nearly 17 & nearly 13
• I have 2 DCs who are 11 & 7. DP and I have no biological children together.
• We are very involved in SDs lives, they come and go as they please, stay over whenever they want and have dinner here at least a couple of times a week.

So here’s my frustration. I feel like there is so much external pressure for DP and I to do things “the right way” and I feel we have. We waited for nearly a year of dating before becoming involved with each other’s children, waited 4 years to get engaged, 5 years before we decided to blend families and move in together, we’ve ensured all children have their own bedrooms/space in the home, we ensure all children get one on one time with their biological parent and siblings etc etc,

If there is any perceived slight then his exgf his screaming (literally) down the phone, his kids will also throw a fit over the smallest things if they think they’re “unfair”. But, it seems, their mother and them can do whatever they want and they deem it acceptable. The things they shout about are apparently not ok if either DP or I do them.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope with this as I’m simply trying to live my life and take care of my children.

Some recent examples;

• Any time we try to enforce the smallest of boundaries my SDs will kick off. SD12 has developed a habit of taking my DD11s things without asking. SD12 will not allow any of the other children in her room whatsoever so she does understand boundaries. We sat all the kids down as said as a general rule we do not enter each other’s rooms or take their things without asking permission. Basic respect for each other and the rule applies to everyone in the household and the conversation was not directed at SD, just a general new rule. SD12 screamed (again literally screamed) at us, called her mum and stormed off back to her mum’s house. We then got a barrage of abuse from mum whilst she also insisted my SD should be able to go in everyone’s rooms but my children cannot enter SD’s room.

• DP’s ex is on boyfriend number 3 since I’ve known her. In 6 years she has introduced 3 men to the children, the first 2 she moved into their hole after less than 3 months of dating. The most recent boyfriend (who she met in late August) and her are now making plans to move in together. All of her partners have also had children who have had to sleep on their sofa / bedroom floors when they have come to visit their dad.

DP and I are getting married in 15 weeks and according to the ex (and kids who she allows to listen in on conversations) they are struggling with us getting married and therefore suffering. We are a stable, loving home which has adjusted well to blended family life but apparently any issues with my SCs must stem from our behaviour, not from mum’s chaotic love life and revolving door of men / children.

• Anything I do for my own children is criticised by SCs and their mother. If I choose to treat them, take them out for the day, buy them nice birthday gifts etc… I’m wrong, unfair and the SCs have a tantrum about it. I took my DS7 to Thomas Land and stayed in the hotel there for his birthday, just me and him. SD12 has repeatedly brought it up about how it’s unfair he got that treat (as his birthday present I may add!). I didn’t even take my own daughter for goodness sake!

But it’s ok for their mum to take them away on her own for days out or weekends away. It’s only unfair if my children have a nice time with their keg mother.

• Exgf has often taken the girls on holiday with whichever boyfriend she is dating at the time… without her including the bf’s kids but have included her own. We have a family wedding (my side of the family) which my SCs aren’t invited to and involves a 2 night stay in a hotel. All hell will break loose when they find out, but they’ve only met this relative a handful of times. But I want DP (who will then be my husband) to come obviously. I know we will be called unfair etc, but it’s deemed perfectly acceptable for them to have huge abroad holidays and exclude mum’s bf’s kids.

• DP and I have never had a holiday on our own. Ever. We always do trips which involve all the children. However, our honeymoon is going to be just him and I. My children obviously understand it’s a honeymoon, not a family holiday. But my SDs and their mother have repeatedly brought up how his children haven’t been abroad in 2 tees due to covid and how we’re selfish to spend the money on ourselves etc.

All the while in sat there remembering the many holidays abroad their mum has taken with her various boyfriends without her children… 3 weeks in Goa, 2 weeks in Gran Caria, 2 weeks in Dubai etc. All DP and I are doing is 5 days in Edinburgh immediately after our wedding as small honeymoon but we’re being lambasted for it,

I know it sounds bitter, but I am held to a much higher standard by his ex and DC’s and it’s completely unfair.

I just wanted to rant really. Has anyone else been in a similar position?

Yep. Dps ex. Anything she did, fine. Anything we did? We were horrible bastards and didn't deserve dss.

She screeched when I was introduced after almost a year. Introduced her on off boyfriend after about 5 minutes. Apparently that was fine. Same with the holidays, she was of course fine to go on her own or with her bf, but we couldn't. She was fine to rearrange her nights to go out and get shit faced every weekend, but when we tried to swap a single night because I was, in fact, giving birth, she refused and told us we clearly didn't care about dss.

You can't argue with stupid. She clearly believes that she is right, we all know she's not but she's probably the sort of person who will never ever realise or admit it.

My best, and only really, advice is to ignore it. Enforce the rules in your house (which of course are totally fair!) And do what you need to do and ignore her. If the girls complain, just calmly state that these are the rules in your house and everyone has to follow them. rinse and repeat.

Don't give the ex the satisfaction of trying to justify yourself on anything. Unless it's actually anything important re the kids the warrants a reply, simply ignore it.

That would drive me absolutely round the bend. You must love your partner an awful lot. Does he support you right through?

That sounds awful. It is always double standards!!

She hasn't done or provided the things for her "step children" as you and DH have done for her children and even expects more.

What is your DH view? Or does he just prefer to keep them happy for the peace?

Does he support you right through?
He does against his ex, but seems to pander to it when it’s the children. They’re master manipulators and know how to deflect like pros. For example, after the chat where we all discussed boundaries regarding other people’s stuff, SD12 stormed off which lead to DP doing the whole “What’s wrong baby? Why are you so sad?”. She turned the waterworks on and then went on a rant about how I took my DS to Thomas Land… this conversation was last week, I DS’s birthday was the first weekend in October.
I could see through the bullshit straight away, she cries and makes up some perceived slight and then turns the conversation around like she’s the victim in any situation.
You can’t tell her off, ask her to do/ not do something without her managing to change the narrative so we’re somehow in the wrong. It’s exhausting.

Their mother does it too. She’ll insist DP buys something mega expensive (think luxury items, not necessities) and when he explains he won’t/ can’t afford it then her and the kids will go on a rant about how I’ve bought something for the house and that must be why DP won’t buy the £600 trainers SD16 wants.

For context, I bought a £30 Christmas wreath for our front door… from my own money.

Another example recently, mum’s last boyfriend was my coincidentally my friend’s ExH (hence me knowing about the huge disparity in how she treated her own SC).
My SDs decided they hated my friend and her son. “He’s always in our house, Stepdad is so different when he’s here and his son is spoilt”
(Oh the irony!).

Anyway, my SD made up a huge convoluted lie about my friend, saying she’d driven past her and sworn at her. SD did the whole shebang of crying “Oh daddy! I was so frightened, she’s so awful to mum and us! I don’t want her at your wedding!”

I let her go on, listened to everything she had to say and then casually dropped into the conversation that my friend was actually in Devon with her son on holiday.

She’d made the whole thing up because when she asked a few weeks before who was coming to our wedding I showed her the table plan, she’d spotted my friend’s name (friend of 15 years I may add) and said she didn’t want her there. I explained she was a good friend of mine and will be coming and that there were going to be 120 people there so she doesn’t have to speak to my friend if she doesn’t want to.

Up until I pointed out she was in Devon, my DP ate up the whole lie, hugging and consoling SD.

It’s ridiculous because he knows my friend… she’s a foster carer, runs her own child minding business and is in the process of adopting a severely disabled child. She is an exemplary parent and would never mistreat a child.

However, SD turns on the water works and lies and he believes it instantly.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro it’s amazing that your DH’s ex couldn’t see how unfair she’s behaving.
I can’t fathom how their minds work. DP’s ex is very much “do as I say, no as I do” in her communications with DP.

not as I do*

Oosh that update about your friend makes me want to wheel out the old MN line "you don't have a SD problem, you have a DH problem"

It sounds awful tbf OP but I would say that in your shoes I wouldn't be happy with the invite to your family members wedding including your DC but excluding your SDs considering how involved you are in their lives, I would be put out about that tbh. On the other hand I know weddings are expensive etc etc but they are definitely being excluded there

I think double standards are not deliberate, just unconscious bias crystallised.
This is not double standards. The woman is clearly a gold plated, diamond studded, top of the range arsehole and is making sure her children are moulded in her image.
They either know they are being arseholes and do it anyway because they don't care, or they don't know they are arseholes in which case they need some sort of therapy as they are delusional and are lined up to have a pretty miserable time in life.
I'd seriously consider a lock on your bedroom doors to use when they are there. Everything else you ignore, sort of like a fly buzzing around you. Eventually it will go away.

@justswaying

Oosh that update about your friend makes me want to wheel out the old MN line "you don't have a SD problem, you have a DH problem"

It sounds awful tbf OP but I would say that in your shoes I wouldn't be happy with the invite to your family members wedding including your DC but excluding your SDs considering how involved you are in their lives, I would be put out about that tbh. On the other hand I know weddings are expensive etc etc but they are definitely being excluded there

They're not being excluded if they barely know the family member

OP I've been there as you probably remember and never underestimate a teenage girls' ability to turn on the waterworks to get what she wants. I used to play SD bingo towards the later years, him being called "Daddy" instead of Dad was always followed by an attempt to elicit cash out of him and when she wheeled out the "it's dolly or me" line I called it a full house.

If I had my time again (and I wouldnt want to for love or money) I'd definitely have learned a lesson or two on pandering to it. as they say on Mumsnet "No is a full sentence". Because SD used to wail like a banshee if she didnt get her own way the hysterics and amateur dramatics were so shocking that everyone stood up, took notice and more often than not either spent an insane amount of time negotiating or just caved and gave her what she wanted.

if we'd have just learned earlier on to say no and not give it a second thought I think we would have cut dead that behaviour a lot quicker. Why would someone expend so much energy if the end result is the same?

I hear you with the ex wife and double standards, she worked part time every year until maintenance ended and now all of a sudden has got a full time job. During her glory days she used to demand we took the kids abroad every year because "Dolly and your Dad both have good jobs and can afford it". She still managed to extend her house and buy a new car though.

How did your dp react when he realised she had been lying about your friend?

@Dollyparton3 you've just reminded me of another. When dss lived with us she paid us something like £26 a week in maintenance for him. Dp paid her three times that, plus all uniform, clothes, bus fair, everything basically because she was "so poor I've even bad to sell my car"

But when he lived with us she advised us that we were lucky to get £26 a week because how could he possibly cost us anything we only had to feed him. She was in fact right that we were better off because she wasn't draining cash from us at any given opportunity and we could just buy what dss actually needed rather than what his mother demanded.

Of course because I worked she saw us (still sees us) as rich which we are not. We were really skint at points with ft nursery fees etc but if we dared buy anything new ever she'd ask for more cash. I mean yes, dp earned more than her, but she walked away with the house and all its contents, the car, everything. She got benefits for two kids (one not his) as well. I earned probably just slightly more than her but my entire wage went on nursery fees but we never stopped hearing about how poor she was and how awful we were for not paying her mortgage or buying her a car etc.

She managed to go out every weekend though somehow.

@justswaying my SD’s don’t really know this family member and numbers are limited. Yes I’m involved with my SDs but that doesn’t necessarily filter down to all my extended family members.
We’re planning our own wedding, we’ve excluded all but family children too because numbers are limited. I’m not offended in the slightest, I understand they can’t invite absolutely everyone.

For context my children weren’t invited to DP’s sister’s wedding. We were engaged at the time and although didn’t own a home together we lived as a family in my home 10/14 days.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
They're not being excluded if they barely know the family member
Even if it was a close family member it wouldn’t be my place to dictate an invite for my husband’s children. I’ve chosen to take them on as my family, I can’t force other people to though.

@Dollyparton3 yes!!! As soon as I hear a certain tone of voice I know requests for cash are coming 😂
We have also had the issue with ex choosing not to work for over 3 years and now only taking a part time job but consistently complaining about how our household has more money or how we’ve got a bigger nicer house.
Well yes, it’s because I work full time, I went back to uni and got a masters degree and work very long hours, and I purchased the house.
If she wants a bigger income then she needs to work for it.

This is so frustrating, I don't know how people cope with attitudes like this.

I think it's really sad when a parent encourages their children to be upset and feel hurt rather than comfort and reassure them, just so they can get one over on their ex. Your SDs have clearly learnt to look for and expect slights because their mum has drummed it into their head that you and your DP are unfair to them, despite the fact that you're actually way more balanced than she is.

Your DP needs to stop giving this any air time at all, from the ex and from SDs. It's not doing them any favours to pander and make them believe their feelings of being left out or treated different are true when they really aren't.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro @SpongebobNoPants it's amazing how the entitlement bleeds through from the exes who choose not to provide for their children.

When DH's exw demanded a revaluation of maintenance as soon as I came on the scene DH was livid but I told him I was embarrassed for her. Imagine holding out your hand for a sub from someone who chose to build a career and didn't have any obligation to your children.

As far as positive role modelling goes I took the moral high ground on that one and kept my wallet firmly shut

@LittleMysSister I don’t even think it’s specific to me and DP, it’s just that’s the behaviour that directly affects me.
They’re (mother included) incredibly entitled about everything and to everyone. They think the world and everyone in it owes them something or that they’re goddesses to be worshipped and respected without showing anyone else even the most basic level of respect.
I’ve seen it in the way SD16 talks about her future job opportunities… she genuinely thinks and believes she is entitled to walk into a high paying job and be a manager. Being a hairdresser or beautician is beneath her, she wants a Range Rover and a 5 bed house etc.

All great aspirations to have and to aim for, but she thinks she’s just entitled to have these things without any work or effort. “Well I just won’t work anywhere if they won’t pay me £14 an hour”…
What? You barely scraped a pass in 2 GCSEs, have no work ethic and think you’re above a part time waitressing job??

It’s astounding.

The latest thing that’s bugging me is it’s eldest SD’s 17th birthday and she has repeatedly said she expects us to buy her a car. We can’t really afford to but saw a friend’s son is upgrading his car and has an plc Astra for sale for £2k. It would be a perfect first car.
SD turned her nose up at it and said it wasn’t good enough “urgh, I wouldn’t be seen dead driving that”.

She wants an Audi… of course she does

We explained that even if we had that sort of money then she/her mum wouldn’t be able to afford the running costs or insurance so it’s non-starter. Cue confused face, “Why would you expect mum to pay the insurance? She doesn’t have that sort of money!”
Well neither do we, love!

We’re now awful because we can’t/won’t buy her a car but mum is off the hook because she chooses to work part time.

Also had ranty texts from the ex saying “if we have money to spending on our wedding” then we must have money to buy and maintain a car. SD refuses to work so no doubt she’d expect us to pay her petrol too.

All the whole we’ve saved (mostly me and my parents) for the wedding and I’m driving an old but very functional 12 reg plate Toyota but madam thinks she deserves an Audi.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Dollyparton3 yes!!! As soon as I hear a certain tone of voice I know requests for cash are coming 😂
We have also had the issue with ex choosing not to work for over 3 years and now only taking a part time job but consistently complaining about how our household has more money or how we’ve got a bigger nicer house.
Well yes, it’s because I work full time, I went back to uni and got a masters degree and work very long hours, and I purchased the house.
If she wants a bigger income then she needs to work for it.[/quote]
our circumstances are identical. DH never had any disposable income when I met him due to having a modest incme but paying through the nose for maintenance +++.

I lost count of the number of times i could tell SD was parroting her mother in our home, if we ever bought anything for the house she asked us what it cost and "what was wrong with the old one?". That didnt seem to be too much of an issue when I decorated her bedroom and bought new furniture.

It got to the point where we started shutting down discussions about anything we were doing in her absence and social media had to go under a tight rein so that she couldnt armchair judge if we'd gone out for dinner in her absence "You owe me a Wagamama's" was her best quote. Not so easy when you have other DC in the mix though (I'm childfree by choice)

@SpongebobNoPants don't buy the car, any car. We (I) gave SD the money to buy her car and insure it. I then sat there a year later when she told her friend that she bought it herself.

And she had a sh*tfit when we part ex'd DHs Audi to buy a newer car and he didnt give it to her.

And same here, SD insists she will have a Range Rover and a 4 bed detatched house as her first home, yet she has zero work ethic just like her mother. She'll marry some poor sap at some point who will fund her TOWIE lifestyle.

I bought my first starter home aged 28 with my ex partner and we both in middle management jobs at the time. I bought my (our) large home aged 40 in a senior management job that I'd busted a gut 70 hours a week to get to for 20 years.

I can't imagine how frustrating everything is. The question is can you look past your partners pandering to his children if you aren't on the same page? I would really be considering putting off marrying until the issues are sorted or the children are older.

[quote Dollyparton3]@SpongebobNoPants don't buy the car, any car. We (I) gave SD the money to buy her car and insure it. I then sat there a year later when she told her friend that she bought it herself.

And she had a sh*tfit when we part ex'd DHs Audi to buy a newer car and he didnt give it to her.

And same here, SD insists she will have a Range Rover and a 4 bed detatched house as her first home, yet she has zero work ethic just like her mother. She'll marry some poor sap at some point who will fund her TOWIE lifestyle.

I bought my first starter home aged 28 with my ex partner and we both in middle management jobs at the time. I bought my (our) large home aged 40 in a senior management job that I'd busted a gut 70 hours a week to get to for 20 years.[/quote]
We had this. Dss complained because our house we bought was opposite a shop and that meant it was "rough"

It took me everything I had not to sit him down and explain how his dad walked away with nothing in order to be able to see him and perhaps he should take it up with his fucking mother. I did however point out the fact that his mum's house was also opposite a shop.

We did buy a cheap house on a not great street because that's what we could afford at the time. When we moved to a "naice" area (albeit the house was a shit hole and we did it up) we just got ear ache like "if you can afford to live in x place you can afford a new Xbox, whatever trainers, money to go out etc etc"

Same from his mum. Oh how have you afforded that you must be loaded, I'm getting in touch with csa bla bla fucking bla.

"You owe me a Wagamama's"
This is freaky! We had an identical situation!!!
DP and I were out with my kids (SDs were with their mum) and I said I couldn’t be bothered with cooking so let’s have a Nando’s as my treat.

Later on that evening SD12 is on FaceTime to my DD11 and says she’s just come back from having dinner with mum and mum’s new bf, my DD says we’ve just come back from Nando’s.

Less than 5 mins later DP’s phone starting blowing up with texts from both SDs saying how it’s unfair we went to Nando’s and when they come at the weekend they’re expecting him to take them to Nando’s too

@Getyourarseofffthequattro wow, I mean just wow. the irony is that anyone in this day and age is lucky to be able to buy a house, having a kid sniffing over whether or not its in a naice area is the least of their worries.

This lot are heading towards a clueless existence and a BIG shock when they grow up. The mums should take full responsibility when that day comes