Double standards

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’m really struggling at the moment with the huge disparity between what is expected / demanded of our household and what DP’s ex partner thinks is acceptable behaviour for her.

I’m sure many of you are familiar with my previous posts but a quick summary for those who aren’t:

• DP and his exgf split up nearly 12 years ago, I’ve been in a relationship with DP for over 6 years.
• DP and his ex have 2 DDs who are nearly 17 & nearly 13
• I have 2 DCs who are 11 & 7. DP and I have no biological children together.
• We are very involved in SDs lives, they come and go as they please, stay over whenever they want and have dinner here at least a couple of times a week.

So here’s my frustration. I feel like there is so much external pressure for DP and I to do things “the right way” and I feel we have. We waited for nearly a year of dating before becoming involved with each other’s children, waited 4 years to get engaged, 5 years before we decided to blend families and move in together, we’ve ensured all children have their own bedrooms/space in the home, we ensure all children get one on one time with their biological parent and siblings etc etc,

If there is any perceived slight then his exgf his screaming (literally) down the phone, his kids will also throw a fit over the smallest things if they think they’re “unfair”. But, it seems, their mother and them can do whatever they want and they deem it acceptable. The things they shout about are apparently not ok if either DP or I do them.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope with this as I’m simply trying to live my life and take care of my children.

Some recent examples;

• Any time we try to enforce the smallest of boundaries my SDs will kick off. SD12 has developed a habit of taking my DD11s things without asking. SD12 will not allow any of the other children in her room whatsoever so she does understand boundaries. We sat all the kids down as said as a general rule we do not enter each other’s rooms or take their things without asking permission. Basic respect for each other and the rule applies to everyone in the household and the conversation was not directed at SD, just a general new rule. SD12 screamed (again literally screamed) at us, called her mum and stormed off back to her mum’s house. We then got a barrage of abuse from mum whilst she also insisted my SD should be able to go in everyone’s rooms but my children cannot enter SD’s room.

• DP’s ex is on boyfriend number 3 since I’ve known her. In 6 years she has introduced 3 men to the children, the first 2 she moved into their hole after less than 3 months of dating. The most recent boyfriend (who she met in late August) and her are now making plans to move in together. All of her partners have also had children who have had to sleep on their sofa / bedroom floors when they have come to visit their dad.

DP and I are getting married in 15 weeks and according to the ex (and kids who she allows to listen in on conversations) they are struggling with us getting married and therefore suffering. We are a stable, loving home which has adjusted well to blended family life but apparently any issues with my SCs must stem from our behaviour, not from mum’s chaotic love life and revolving door of men / children.

• Anything I do for my own children is criticised by SCs and their mother. If I choose to treat them, take them out for the day, buy them nice birthday gifts etc… I’m wrong, unfair and the SCs have a tantrum about it. I took my DS7 to Thomas Land and stayed in the hotel there for his birthday, just me and him. SD12 has repeatedly brought it up about how it’s unfair he got that treat (as his birthday present I may add!). I didn’t even take my own daughter for goodness sake!

But it’s ok for their mum to take them away on her own for days out or weekends away. It’s only unfair if my children have a nice time with their keg mother.

• Exgf has often taken the girls on holiday with whichever boyfriend she is dating at the time… without her including the bf’s kids but have included her own. We have a family wedding (my side of the family) which my SCs aren’t invited to and involves a 2 night stay in a hotel. All hell will break loose when they find out, but they’ve only met this relative a handful of times. But I want DP (who will then be my husband) to come obviously. I know we will be called unfair etc, but it’s deemed perfectly acceptable for them to have huge abroad holidays and exclude mum’s bf’s kids.

• DP and I have never had a holiday on our own. Ever. We always do trips which involve all the children. However, our honeymoon is going to be just him and I. My children obviously understand it’s a honeymoon, not a family holiday. But my SDs and their mother have repeatedly brought up how his children haven’t been abroad in 2 tees due to covid and how we’re selfish to spend the money on ourselves etc.

All the while in sat there remembering the many holidays abroad their mum has taken with her various boyfriends without her children… 3 weeks in Goa, 2 weeks in Gran Caria, 2 weeks in Dubai etc. All DP and I are doing is 5 days in Edinburgh immediately after our wedding as small honeymoon but we’re being lambasted for it,

I know it sounds bitter, but I am held to a much higher standard by his ex and DC’s and it’s completely unfair.

I just wanted to rant really. Has anyone else been in a similar position?

Your partner needs to grow a pair and block her from calling - emails or messages only. The kids are old enough that she doesn’t need direct immediate access to their dad

In (limited) defence of DP, he mostly ignores calls or texts from his ex. The rants usually are either face to face when he’s dropping them off or they come via the girls’ phones. He’ll answer thinking it’s one of his daughters ringing but it’ll be ex suddenly raging. He does hang up but then the texts start.

If it's when he's dropping them off he should just walk away.

Personally I'd block her number. Give her an email address that's just for her and simply delete anything that's not relevant.

@aSofaNearYou I’m trying to! I don’t get involved in arrangements (except the hobby I facilitate) and stay out of most things, but then some things come out of the blue in person. For example the lies about my friend… we were just sat down eating dinner and she decided to come out with this whole spiel!

Or I’ll be in the house tidying up and chatting to my DD and SD will embroil herself in the conversation. It’s had to detach any further because I do care about their well-being and happiness and I don’t want to ignore them.

hard to detach completely*

I agree with @aSofaNearYou - detaching is the only way. Leave your partner to be the 'shit umbrella' and don't get involved. Also I don't understand when the kids are as old as they are, why the ex has a need to have access into your home life. Neither you nor your partner should have any need to speak to her other than for essential discussions about the kids. And that doesn't include who's going on what holiday, or who did or didn't go to Nando's.

@sunshinelover69 it’s mostly coming via the kids not the ex, but being fuelled by the ex IYSWIM.

How did your partner react when you revealed that SD was lying about your friend?

@BourbonScreams mostly embarrassed. It was brushed over in the first instance, SD went back to her mum’s shortly afterwards.
I then spoke privately to DP and stressed firstly how awful it was for SD to lie but secondly how dangerous it was!
Lies about the mistreatment of a child against a woman who looks after vulnerable children and who is also in the process of adopting a disabled child! It could have resulted in an investigation and potentially resulted in the adoption being called off.

DP and I sat her down and told her the potential consequences of her actions which could have meant a vulnerable child going back into the care system etc. To be honest DP laid it on really thick, but SD is distinctly lacking in empathy so it didn’t phase her too much.
She was upset, but mostly because she felt we had no right to question her story… even though I knew my friend was 300 miles away at the time of the supposed incident.

Get smart locks for your DCs bedrooms, they deserve privacy.

When I was 17, my Dad moved his girlfriend (of 5 months!) and her 2DC in - StepBro aged 15 and StepSis aged 7. Neither of them would stay the fuck out of my bedroom, or off my PC that was in the dining room (I’m 35 now for reference, had moved in with my Dad at the start of Y11 and he bought it for me, specifically, to study), and I was in the middle of my A Levels.

I complained to my Dads girlfriend as it was her DC I felt it her place to stop them, she didn’t, so I told my Dad and he went straight out, got a Yale Lock, fitted it, and then changed the PC settings so that there was a complex password that only I knew, and told her DC that they were not to use it without asking me first (back in the days when dial up still existed, it couldn’t be moved into my bedroom )

I also overheard having words with his girlfriend about privacy, that we all had our own bedrooms and there was simply no reason for them to be going into mine.

All Hell broke loose for weeks after that but my Dad stood firm and although he’s an arsehole who I’m VLC with, if he hadn’t, I’d have moved in with his parents.

@SpongebobNoPants as someone who has an ex husband who must be your ex's Gf twin, I really feel you need to completely disengage. You cannot influence people who feel entitled to behave this way with impunity. Dis-engaging is truly the one way to save one's sanity. Easier said than done though.

The children sound of an age to work out any changes to contact with their Dad directly and get out of the car alone when dropped off. Assuming your DP pays CMS and contact is already agreed, there's really nothing for him to discuss with his ex. As it relates to demands for £600 trainers (seriously??) that's just a flat no. The privacy issue is easily dealt with through locks. Truly appalling to make up something like that about your friend, lying is just unacceptable. Do try and resist any temptation to justify your choices. I'd suggest you leave the lies and complaints to your DP to deal with directly. If they do it in front of you, just speak to your DP and have him address it. It sounds like they may get a bit of a kick out of getting a rise out of you. They may bore of it if they fail to get any form of reaction from you. If encouraged by their Mother then she really has done her daughters a great disserve in life.

We then got a barrage of abuse from mum whilst she also insisted my SD should be able to go in everyone’s rooms but my children cannot enter SD’s room. so weird! Why is her child the entitled one.

until I pointed out she was in Devon, my DP ate up the whole lie, hugging and consoling SD. buy her the boy who cried wolf for Christmas.

Anyway sounds like a right nightmare tbh OP and sounds like you've done really well to just let her spin her lies then destroy them calmly with the truth.

Just as No is a complete sentence, there are a couple of others that can come in handy.

So?

And?

for example. And when you're at your wits end:
"You know what? I. Don't. Care."

We have taken a lot of flack from DH's family about the DSCs and the decisions we have made over the years. DH has spent some time now in TA therapy (transactional analysis - I'm OK, you're OK type stuff) to find ways to shut this down.

Anyway, couple of days ago, texts rattled through and finally DH had had enough. He concocted an absolutely splendid riposte, firm, polite and deadly - quite different from his usual gentle diplomacy. A few days later, there are the distinct sounds of troops in retreat. [I need an icon for champagne bottles popping!]

It appears to have been money very well spent.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I think you’re right.
It’s bizarre because I find myself trying to explain my actions or behaviour to children which I would never do with my own!
They’re very entitled in the way they speak to adults which shocks me at times. If my own children asked for something and I said no, I wouldn’t necessarily explain my reasoning in detail to them it would be a simple “No you can’t go to the park because it’s dark now and I don’t think it’s safe to go on your own”. Whereas SD12 for example would push the limits and keep needling for my explanation “What’s wrong with it being dark? I’ll wear a coat. You’ll have to come with me then” and so on.

I think we should just stop explaining and go with a more “no means no” rhetoric from now on.[/quote]
Oh my god I think you're actually me.

I opened this thread with interest as I have such a similar situation and I'm now struggling with how to actually deal with it.

I've no advice but our stories are strikingly similar

You're not obliged to interact with the ex at all, OP. Ignore, block, do not engage, cut her off if she uses the girls' phones to try to get to you.

It's harder with the girls, but you are entitled to have, and enforce, rules in your house. The 'not going into each other's rooms' is a rule. No one has to like it, it doesn't matter, it is your rule, there are repercussions if it is broken. Same with any other rules which you feel strongly about – pick your battles but then fight the ones you have picked.

I wouldn't have thought 12 and 16 year olds are really that bothered about attending the wedding of someone they don't know, so I would suspect that is coming from the ex, she is telling them it's unfair. You do not need to pay any attention to this. You have been invited to a wedding, they have not. The End.

@SpongebobNoPants so firstly 🍷 🍫 💐

Secondly I wish I had some better answers but you know we have similar issues.

I think there was some fairly stupid post about someone suggesting that you shouldn't marry because all the children were unhappy. So ok let's assume maybe the SC are unhappy because I don't doubt that although "all the children" was mentioned,the focus was really on them as was the subtle point as per usual. Let's breakdown why they maybe unhappy ?

-Their parents don't live together (not your problem and not one you can fix)

• they haven't been taught boundaries(not your problem, not your responsibility to fix)
• they have problems hearing the words no (not your problem)
• they dislike rules (not your problem)

Funnily enough those issues will all be, their problem when they are older. To pander to any child's whims is to create entitled, self absorbed adults who will fail at life. This isn't specific to stepchildren. Your presence trying to fix these issues (that DM has caused) will be to the SC benefit in the long term and actually cost you things like your sanity money ect.

At the end of the day to marry your DP is your choice, these are children who think they run the shop. I wouldn't be handing them the key to a child with no sense.

Practical things

• Locks on doors - DD can go swing or cry or whatever. The ex has no control in your house, make sure DD and ex know this.

• flat pan at "you owe me a Nando's" - hahahah omg your joking so funny. If she escalates just keep pretending like it's the most ridiculous funnily thing you heard. If she goes to DM, say oh that was so ridiculous a request I thought she was joking. But if she can't control her temper then Nando's is probably to adult for her. Maybe you can take her instead.

• SD damaged by the upcoming marriage. Great let's get her taken to a psychologist, maybe there some medication we can get for her.

• "I want x shoes you can afford it, you bought x" Hahahahah funny when you get a job you can afford it too, until then though I'm gonna use my money the way I see fit since I have a good job. Maybe ask your mum. "She's poor" - ah well maybe have a look for a paper round.

Problem is here any sense of weakness from DP or him caving this will not work.

I suspect though she's gotten worse as marriage approaches? Similar thing always happens with marriage and babies in step families- the demands always ramp up when the ex feels like she's about to lose control.

Think of it like surviving a extinction burst.

Also of course you have nothing positive to say about the children or the ex, they don't of like likeable people.

My SD said something incredibly nasty about the new baby (along the lines of hoping it would die) when she didn't think she was being overheard the other day. Lied about it even though DH but heard her say it, so I said ok SD no more horse riding for a few months since you aren't responsible enough to own your own actions, went to DM crying. DM called up yelling saying I was picking on DSD she didn't say it, I took the phone over and say I pay 100% for the cost of the horse and I take her as DH can't . That as a consequence of her actions, she lost my respect and trust and this was the result. Maybe if she wants her DD to have a pony she could pay for it, but right now I'm cannot trust DSD judgement

Tears, threats on contact. When she saw I wasn't gonna back down and she couldn't get DH to go around me, she brought DSD to apologise and apologised herself.

Still haven't given the privilege back though because DM knows that DSD will have to work for it back. So far ....

Are you allowed to discipline at all? Eg. for the lies. Your facilitate the hobby. Can that be withdrawn ie. the payment or lift there or whatever is done to facilitate it. So when she takes your daughter's stuff it is withdrawn or does it all have to be done via DP

Wow, Sponge, this is no way to live.

Totally agree with blocking ex on all but email. Can your DP await in car at drop off and collection to limit face to face? And yes, hang up if she uses girls’ phones. I realise your DP wants to be contactable to his DDs but maybe ask them to email for a while and close off phone and text abuse. Failing that, I’d be considering some legal advice to close down the harassment, because that’s what it sounds like.

Agree with locks for your children if the requests, warnings and consequences for ignoring have failed. The SDs’ behaviour on this sounds nasty and about control as much as anything.

It sounds as if it could be too late for your DP to correct all the vile behaviours and mindsets of his DDs. But I would have zero tolerance with rudeness and demands - ignore it all. Or just laugh. “You want an Audi? Great idea! We’ll have one too. Let us know when you’ve got the cash. Oh you want us to buy it? Oh you are funny.”

And can you cut right back on the information you share with SDs and ex? Do any of them need to know about the family wedding?

Hang in there 💐

I know you are excited about getting married but marriage is a financial partnership I hope you are ring fencing whatever you are entering the relationship with.

When you get married, previous wills are null and void. So what happens in the run-up to a wedding in the step-family? The DH's first family will attempt to get 'their inheritance' up-front. This can lead to all kinds of emotional blackmail and bullying behaviour. Even when you have had wills 'in anticipation of marriage' in place for some considerable period....

It's difficult. You can't give guarantees about what money will be left when you go, because care, infirmity, dementia etc. But vague statements of taking their interests into account at all points doesn't cut it either. It's the elephant in the room.

When you get married, previous wills are null and void. So what happens in the run-up to a wedding in the step-family? my solicitor put clever wording in so it was valid before and once we got married.

Ah sorry saw you mentioned that!

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I can actually see what @Tattler2 is saying (I disagree with a lot of what is posted sometimes but in this instance there are parts that I agree with).

Firstly. One of these SC’a has told a lie and (as you say @SpongebobNoPants) a very dangerous/ damaging one. Now that may be a one off, but this is more than just a high maintenance SC. It’s a huge red flag. I would be very careful about someone with sort of behaviour being around my children.

Secondly. You say your children are happy. Seriously? With SC acting this way, you honestly think your children actively enjoy the atmosphere? It sounds horrific reading it, forget living it.
I’m not saying they’re actively unhappy, but your children are considerably younger - so more malleable and at the ages where they will be happy (largely) if you are. But I can’t imagine they find dealing with this stuff remotely enjoyable (oh and as they get older they will pick up on more of this).

I dunno. I had some of what you have going on and it made me rule out cohabiting in its entirety. I didn’t want this BS around me or my kids. My kids liked my exp too.

Life is too short. I’m not saying don’t marry him but then brace yourself. As you’re saying they’re already not happy with the prospect of you getting married. Expect and escalation in behaviours and I would have a very serious conversation with your soon to be hubby about how this isnt going to impact the rest of your life.

Because it won’t miraculously stop.

Wow your stepchildren and the ex sound fucking awful. You don't have a child with your dp and I seriously don't understand why you're willing to not only put up with this but actually marry into it.

But since you insist you're all 'happy' the only thing to do is take a step back. You are JUST their dad's partner, not their parent. Their dad deals with their mother, he doesn't tell you about the kick offs. They're non of your business. Put locks on your children's doors, poor things. You firmly tell your SDs that you do not answer to them and do not need to explain your parenting to them, it really is nothing to do with them and what their own mother let's them do is nothing to do with your household.