I’m really struggling at the moment with the huge disparity between what is expected / demanded of our household and what DP’s ex partner thinks is acceptable behaviour for her.
I’m sure many of you are familiar with my previous posts but a quick summary for those who aren’t:
- DP and his exgf split up nearly 12 years ago, I’ve been in a relationship with DP for over 6 years.
- DP and his ex have 2 DDs who are nearly 17 & nearly 13
- I have 2 DCs who are 11 & 7. DP and I have no biological children together.
- We are very involved in SDs lives, they come and go as they please, stay over whenever they want and have dinner here at least a couple of times a week.
So here’s my frustration. I feel like there is so much external pressure for DP and I to do things “the right way” and I feel we have. We waited for nearly a year of dating before becoming involved with each other’s children, waited 4 years to get engaged, 5 years before we decided to blend families and move in together, we’ve ensured all children have their own bedrooms/space in the home, we ensure all children get one on one time with their biological parent and siblings etc etc,
If there is any perceived slight then his exgf his screaming (literally) down the phone, his kids will also throw a fit over the smallest things if they think they’re “unfair”. But, it seems, their mother and them can do whatever they want and they deem it acceptable. The things they shout about are apparently not ok if either DP or I do them.
I’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope with this as I’m simply trying to live my life and take care of my children.
Some recent examples;
- Any time we try to enforce the smallest of boundaries my SDs will kick off. SD12 has developed a habit of taking my DD11s things without asking. SD12 will not allow any of the other children in her room whatsoever so she does understand boundaries. We sat all the kids down as said as a general rule we do not enter each other’s rooms or take their things without asking permission. Basic respect for each other and the rule applies to everyone in the household and the conversation was not directed at SD, just a general new rule. SD12 screamed (again literally screamed) at us, called her mum and stormed off back to her mum’s house. We then got a barrage of abuse from mum whilst she also insisted my SD should be able to go in everyone’s rooms but my children cannot enter SD’s room.
- DP’s ex is on boyfriend number 3 since I’ve known her. In 6 years she has introduced 3 men to the children, the first 2 she moved into their hole after less than 3 months of dating. The most recent boyfriend (who she met in late August) and her are now making plans to move in together. All of her partners have also had children who have had to sleep on their sofa / bedroom floors when they have come to visit their dad.
DP and I are getting married in 15 weeks and according to the ex (and kids who she allows to listen in on conversations) they are struggling with us getting married and therefore suffering. We are a stable, loving home which has adjusted well to blended family life but apparently any issues with my SCs must stem from our behaviour, not from mum’s chaotic love life and revolving door of men / children.
- Anything I do for my own children is criticised by SCs and their mother. If I choose to treat them, take them out for the day, buy them nice birthday gifts etc… I’m wrong, unfair and the SCs have a tantrum about it. I took my DS7 to Thomas Land and stayed in the hotel there for his birthday, just me and him. SD12 has repeatedly brought it up about how it’s unfair he got that treat (as his birthday present I may add!). I didn’t even take my own daughter for goodness sake!
But it’s ok for their mum to take them away on her own for days out or weekends away. It’s only unfair if my children have a nice time with their keg mother.
- Exgf has often taken the girls on holiday with whichever boyfriend she is dating at the time… without her including the bf’s kids but have included her own. We have a family wedding (my side of the family) which my SCs aren’t invited to and involves a 2 night stay in a hotel. All hell will break loose when they find out, but they’ve only met this relative a handful of times. But I want DP (who will then be my husband) to come obviously. I know we will be called unfair etc, but it’s deemed perfectly acceptable for them to have huge abroad holidays and exclude mum’s bf’s kids.
- DP and I have never had a holiday on our own. Ever. We always do trips which involve all the children. However, our honeymoon is going to be just him and I. My children obviously understand it’s a honeymoon, not a family holiday. But my SDs and their mother have repeatedly brought up how his children haven’t been abroad in 2 tees due to covid and how we’re selfish to spend the money on ourselves etc.
All the while in sat there remembering the many holidays abroad their mum has taken with her various boyfriends without her children… 3 weeks in Goa, 2 weeks in Gran Caria, 2 weeks in Dubai etc. All DP and I are doing is 5 days in Edinburgh immediately after our wedding as small honeymoon but we’re being lambasted for it,
I know it sounds bitter, but I am held to a much higher standard by his ex and DC’s and it’s completely unfair.
I just wanted to rant really. Has anyone else been in a similar position?