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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Anyone here got step kids who just hate them for no reason at all?

73 replies

CanadaFall · 23/11/2021 18:00

I’ve posted previously about something similar but NC for this thread. Hoping some more experienced amongst us will be able to give some advice.

I’ve been with my partner nearly 2 years. He has a son who is 10. For the purpose of this and to avoid confusion I’ll refer to him as DSS although my partner and I aren’t married.

DSS has just got a huge issue with me and the fact his dad has a partner and we are both at the end of our tether on what to do next.

For background, DP and ex were never really together. Had their son young and split when he was 14 months. He has no memory of them together but DP has been heavily involved in his life the whole time. He’s a brilliant dad, really attentive and has put up with a lot of unreasonable behaviour from his ex over the years.

My DP has been single nearly the whole time apart from one relationship when his son was 4. He was with the lady around a year and whilst it wasn’t majorly serious his son didn’t seem to have an issue with that. Or if he did, he was too young to perhaps vocalise this.

DSS’s mum has been single (as far as we know) the whole time. DSS lives with his mum and he splits his time between parents 60/40. I was introduced to his son gradually after 8 months. Started out slowly, building up to being around more. We have been extremely careful not to rush things or over step the mark. And one of the most important things we have done is ensure they have lots of 1-2-1 time together. Infact 99% of their routines from before he met me still stand.

Which brings us to today. He absolutely hates me and it’s for (on the surface anyway) no reason. I’m polite and kind and friendly. I make an effort but I’m careful not go over step the mark. I don’t get involved in big decisions/school/discipline as I know my place. I don’t bad mouth his mum. All I do is hang out with them some of the time during their contact and try to make the effort. I’ve tried to suggest doing things with him individually so we can get to know each other better but he’s dismissive of me. Sometimes he barely even acknowledges my presence.

I expected some resistance in these situations but given I wasn’t the other woman and there’s been no major disruption I’m at a loss as to where this has come from? It’s been going on a while and now DSS is refusing to come over at all. Partner has tried to take him out to do things 1-2-1 straight from his mum’s but DSS is negative towards him and has developed a bit of an attitude towards. Chats from his dad, mum and gran haven’t worked, all he says is things are different. School aren’t concerned, infact his teacher told DP he’s getting on great!

Any advice? I feel so hurt. It’s not about me but I feel like I’m carrying so much guilt and I feel sad for my partner.

OP posts:
FestiveMayo · 23/11/2021 18:37

I think the reason is that you aren't his mum tbh. Although some teens just hate their parents. Has your partner told him it doesn't matter what he thinks about you he needs to respect you and be civil and you will do the same to him?

FestiveMayo · 23/11/2021 18:38

Maybe stop making the effort and just hang out with them at home like you normally would?

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/11/2021 18:43

I'm sorry OP. That sounds shit.

He's probably harbouring dreams of his parents getting together.

Do you have a good relationship with his mum?

Bit off the wall but is it possible that you, your DP, mum and SS can meet up for a coffee and cake and chat about it. Have his parents asked him why he feels so negatively? He's old enough to articulate now.

*obviously if you are not close to his mum, this wouldn't work.

Other than that, what about getting a third party to talk to him - trusted family friend, grandma etc.

Ragwort · 23/11/2021 18:48

I think a 10 year old boy just wants to spend time with his Dad and not (in his eyes) some 'random' female. Why do you need to 'hang out' with them during his contact time? Just leave them to it and enjoy time to yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2021 18:48

I'd end it. Too much bullshit, too much angst, and all of this will damage the relationship your partner has with his son. I wouldn't want to be involved in this at all. He's only 10, there's potentially years and years and years of this nonsense ahead.

Extragherkinsplease · 23/11/2021 18:51

I can’t comment as a step parent but i do know from my husbands point of view who has step parents.

As awful as it sounds, you’re not his mum and as a 10 year old boy his hormones and emotions will be playing a huge part in this.

You’re ‘taking the attention’ from his dad and even though it might not actually be this way, it could just be his way of dealing with things.

He also may not feel he wants to get close to you if he knows that his dad has had partners in the past and it hasn’t worked out.

He might have got close to a previous parent partner who then left, and to a child this is not something they can rationally understand.

My husband went through a phase where he didn’t want to see his dad; he started to learn (not in a nasty way from his mum, but as he was old enough to know) why his parents weren’t together and his way of dealing with it was to find someone he could be cross at.

I know I don’t have any good advice but I think just keep on doing what you’re doing - keeping dad’s original routine as much as possible, don’t push things, just let this phase ride out and hopefully it will start to improve.

Best of luck

LethargicActress · 23/11/2021 18:52

It’s not personal, he just doesn’t want a step mum in his life. He would prefer his Dad to be single, which I think is a natural and fair thing for him to feel. There’s not much you can do about it except respect his position.

Sharletonz · 23/11/2021 20:18

I second what others are saying. You're not his mum, and I think I would just stop trying for the moment as much as it hurts. It's going to take him longer to adjust to his dad having a partner, I would just back off a bit and leave him to it.

CoddledAsAMommet · 23/11/2021 20:25

He feels that by liking you he'd be betraying his mum. Simple as that.

excelledyourself · 23/11/2021 20:29

I remember your last thread. Did you move in together?

candlelightsatdawn · 23/11/2021 20:57

This isn't personal. Things do change and kids should be encouraged to accept that eventually everything changes. It's a bit mad people are suggesting your DP says single until god knows forever so give up yey who enter here 😵‍💫

I would just go low key instead of anything high pressure, he will come around. 10 is a tricky age just keep plugging away gently and it will get better.

Justtobeclear · 23/11/2021 20:58

I think you may have had nc fail because a quick search suggests that you are heavily pregnant and renovating a house? That’s significant disruption for a child his age in 2 years and gives a very different view on how he might be feeling pushed out and confused.

FestiveMayo · 23/11/2021 21:04

Ah. If you're about to have a baby with his dad then that is also going to stir up lots of complicated feelings for him.

Sharletonz · 23/11/2021 21:16

@FestiveMayo

Ah. If you're about to have a baby with his dad then that is also going to stir up lots of complicated feelings for him.
I agree.. That was quite a huge detail you missed out.
Original poster
CanadaFall · 23/11/2021 21:32

I didn’t mention the pregnancy as I didn’t want to derail the thread as his feelings/behaviour were an issue beforehand and therefore I wanted a balanced view. This all started from the very beginning of our relationship before the baby. We only told him about baby in August whereas this has being going on from day 1 of me meeting him.

OP posts:
Chariotslion · 23/11/2021 21:33

Perhaps you just need to realise you can't force him to like you x

FestiveMayo · 23/11/2021 21:36

It's been less that 2 years, you're about to have a baby. So proportionately that's quite a lot of the time he's known you. A half sibling is a MASSIVE deal but also not a big deal if handled well. I'd wait and see how things go once the baby is here, you might find you have less time to spend with them all together so it might all work out.

FestiveMayo · 23/11/2021 21:38

his feelings/behaviour were an issue beforehand and therefore I wanted a balanced view I see why you didn't mention it but the new half sibling is going to change his feelings and maybe make behaviour different going forwards so it is important imo. It could work out well, it might feel more like you're part of the family once baby is here.

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/11/2021 22:00

The pregnancy probably is a factor though! Things are about to permanently change, even kids in homes with both parents struggle with that sometimes.

I think you should pull back as much as you can and let him have uninterrupted time with his DF before the baby comes.

Magda72 · 23/11/2021 22:20

"It’s not personal, he just doesn’t want a step mum in his life. He would prefer his Dad to be single, which I think is a natural and fair thing for him to feel. There’s not much you can do about it except respect his position"
No - just no.
This &
'think you should pull back as much as you can and let him have uninterrupted time with his DF before the baby comes'
are not solutions & help no one, especially & 10 yr old!
@CanadaFall my dd was the same age as dss when her df had a baby with her sm. She found it very tough & like dss didn't want to spend time at her dads - he was inclined to agree & not push her.
However I put my foot down with both him & dd. In her head if she stopped visiting, her dad would come to her & everything would go back to 'normal'. But, that was never going to happen & so she had to get used to & embrace the changes.
She kept up her access, was told (by me) that sm & baby were going nowhere & that she (dd) was as much a part of that family as anyone else in it & that while every day over there might not be super fun she would have a new sibling who she would have to share her df with but whom she would love.
6 years later she thanks me for not giving in to her. She loves her now 2 siblings & has a great relationship with her dad & sm.
Honestly - when did it get to a point whereby parenting seems to involve letting kids make all their own decisions from such a young age? If kids are told they never have to weather any change or difficulty then they don't learn how to negotiate & overcome obstacles.

Genevie82 · 23/11/2021 22:27

OP, I’ve read your thread … I think your DSS is not at all used to sharing his parents - you said his mother has never really partnered up so he has little experience of seeing “ relationships” - he’s got to 8-10 without that happening and unfortunately for you you’ve come into his life at a very difficult age! .. just accept you’ve tried and leave things be with him now - be kind and always make sure he is respectful toward you. If it ends up being that he just spends time with his dad doing boys stuff so be it, it’s not personal 😀. Once your baby arrives you will have other things to think about and all this wouldn't be your focus anymore anyway xx

BrilliantBetty · 23/11/2021 22:31

Maybe you've rushed in and between you and his father, turned life as he knew it upside down. You've been together less than two years. The kid met you hardly more than a year ago...

You shouldn't have gotten pregnant before making sure things were stable and existing child was well adjusted and fine. His father should have been more careful.

Tattler2 · 24/11/2021 00:02

OP, the child probably does not hate you. He may just have no need or space for you in his life. The mom and fad spots are filled. He sits likely finds his living arrangements satisfactory as they are.

Even young children in intact families who may not be excited about the prospect of a new sibling recognizes that the new arrival will be a part of the "us" that is his family. In your situation there is no "us." You are his father's girlfriend, and even at a young age, he may view that as an arrangement between the 2 of you and having very little to do with his relationship with his father.

Moving into the home with a new baby is probably not going to make the situation better.
In your place, I would probably not move into the home. You are not married to him, so a traditional family structure may not be an essential part of your life plan at the moment.

Maybe ,you and your partner might seek family counseling before
trying to force some kind of unit that seems not to be happening naturally.

Your partner can still spend time with you and the newborn when his other child is with his mom.

Many women handle newborns on their own, so it is not something that you should not be able to manage with your partner being there on a part time basis.

This may not be the solution that you wanted, but it is largely the situation that has resulted from whatever actions that you and your partner have engaged .

FestiveMayo · 24/11/2021 00:25

You shouldn't have gotten pregnant before making sure things were stable and existing child was well adjusted and fine. His father should have been more careful. how on earth is this helpful to OP?

MimiDaisy11 · 24/11/2021 00:35

I think he’s been used to having both parents to himself and doesn’t like sharing. I can imagine it’s not easy to have things change like that. I’d just make sure he still has time with his dad and hopefully he will become more settled.