Anyone here got step kids who just hate them for no reason at all?

[CanadaFall]

I’ve posted previously about something similar but NC for this thread. Hoping some more experienced amongst us will be able to give some advice.

I’ve been with my partner nearly 2 years. He has a son who is 10. For the purpose of this and to avoid confusion I’ll refer to him as DSS although my partner and I aren’t married.

DSS has just got a huge issue with me and the fact his dad has a partner and we are both at the end of our tether on what to do next.

For background, DP and ex were never really together. Had their son young and split when he was 14 months. He has no memory of them together but DP has been heavily involved in his life the whole time. He’s a brilliant dad, really attentive and has put up with a lot of unreasonable behaviour from his ex over the years.

My DP has been single nearly the whole time apart from one relationship when his son was 4. He was with the lady around a year and whilst it wasn’t majorly serious his son didn’t seem to have an issue with that. Or if he did, he was too young to perhaps vocalise this.

DSS’s mum has been single (as far as we know) the whole time. DSS lives with his mum and he splits his time between parents 60/40. I was introduced to his son gradually after 8 months. Started out slowly, building up to being around more. We have been extremely careful not to rush things or over step the mark. And one of the most important things we have done is ensure they have lots of 1-2-1 time together. Infact 99% of their routines from before he met me still stand.

Which brings us to today. He absolutely hates me and it’s for (on the surface anyway) no reason. I’m polite and kind and friendly. I make an effort but I’m careful not go over step the mark. I don’t get involved in big decisions/school/discipline as I know my place. I don’t bad mouth his mum. All I do is hang out with them some of the time during their contact and try to make the effort. I’ve tried to suggest doing things with him individually so we can get to know each other better but he’s dismissive of me. Sometimes he barely even acknowledges my presence.

I expected some resistance in these situations but given I wasn’t the other woman and there’s been no major disruption I’m at a loss as to where this has come from? It’s been going on a while and now DSS is refusing to come over at all. Partner has tried to take him out to do things 1-2-1 straight from his mum’s but DSS is negative towards him and has developed a bit of an attitude towards. Chats from his dad, mum and gran haven’t worked, all he says is things are different. School aren’t concerned, infact his teacher told DP he’s getting on great!

Any advice? I feel so hurt. It’s not about me but I feel like I’m carrying so much guilt and I feel sad for my partner.

@FestiveMayo
Sometimes, before you can arrive at a solution , you have to fully understand and accept the cause of the problem even when that reality is not one that is comfortable or comforting.

If OP and her partner cannot accept the reality that led to the situation ,they are not likely to find solutions that address the very real issues at hand.

They can accept the stepchild will find it hard without being judged for having a baby

Honestly OP, think back to when you were 10. If you’d always lived between your mum and your dad, had one to one time with them, and suddenly dad gets this new girlfriend who is there loads when you go to see your dad… would you have liked it?? I sure as hell wouldn’t have at 10. . However nice she was objectively, I just wouldn’t have wanted some strange woman suddenly in my home and becoming part of my family with me having zero say in it. Let alone getting pregnant and producing a much younger step sibling.

@FestiveMayo
I do not think that stating that the pregnancy is probably exacerbating the problem is being judgemental. If you are truly looking for a solution, you do not find a solution by ignoring or failing to analyze the cause and effects that have informed the situation.

Your partner's not a brilliant, attentive dad if he's ploughed into this relationship and a new family despite his son's discomfort. The poor kid probably just needed more time and support to adjust to the idea of another person in his life but I suspect his greatest fear is now playing out and the damage is done.

My mum met somebody when I was 10 and although I had no problem with him personally, i just felt like a stranger had waltz into our home and family and I just had to get on with it. Your safe space has suddenly become invaded by somebody who is not your family, it is actually really unsettling. It was a relief when they ended and I could be comfortable in my own home again.

For the love of all that is holy.

Right look OP is pregnant shall we stop subtly hinting or otherwise she's "damaged beyond repair" a 10 year olds life.

Blended or traditional , some children really resent the arrival of a new child. Especially a only child who's coming up to (tween) age.

In a traditional family this jealously would be accepted as being normal, and the child helped and guided through it.
In a blended family people are so sorry that the first family split and after many years of solo parenting and steady relationship on horizon and there's suggestion that dad parent part time both kids as to act like they are solo entities 🤯 In what world does this help the child accept that change doesn't stop just because you don't want it too ?

Firstly Op congratulations 💐 I'm sure being "outted" after a NC as pregnant wasn't how you were going to share that detail ! Some of the advice you had is pretty solid (esp Madgas post) and you have had some pretty standard MN advice for this board.

Be kind to this little one he's gonna have feelings on it but it's his DD to reassure him of his place in the family is still there and that he is loved and he will cope really well becoming a BB. Sometimes kids are just scared and need that reassurance, plenty of one on one time. Try abs maybe find a thing that's just you and DSD thing (low pressure and stake watching tv show that is only you and him or cards ?)

I'm 43 and I don't much like my dad's partner of 20 years. There's no big issue, we're just not particularly friendly. You can't make him like you I'm afraid.

[quote Tattler2]@FestiveMayo
I do not think that stating that the pregnancy is probably exacerbating the problem is being judgemental. If you are truly looking for a solution, you do not find a solution by ignoring or failing to analyze the cause and effects that have informed the situation.[/quote]
The way you have stated it, fine and helpful.. The way the PP said "You shouldn't" is a clear judgement on the pregnancy and really unhelpful.

I agree @candlelightsatdawn and I'm sorry OP if anything I have said has made you feel I am judging you or that you have damaged the relationship with your DSC. I don't think you have but I do think it is a tricky time for any child and for a DSC can make them feel a bit funny.

I have been in a similar position and one of my DSC I think baby improved the relationship and the other is still slightly frosty with me. I carry on with my life and be civil and try not to let it get to me.

The number one key thing is that they must be civil and respect me and DH makes this clear to the one who can get a bit frosty. Actually having a baby helped in this regard a little bit as he could say we're teaching baby to be respectful of their property etc as that is how we behave in this family.

My dad has been with his partner for a couple of years, I'm late 40s. She's ok but I don't feel any connection to her or want to spend time with her. As she is with my dad I have no option. So the time I spend with my dad is limited because they come as a pair and I don't want to limp on for more than a couple of hours. I want my dad to be happy, but his choice is not mine and I can just stay out of the way.
We don't have to like everyone, but your DSS has to live with you and has no choices. Stop trying to be his friend, treat him kindly and get on with things. He will either get used to it, or stop coming over as he gets older.

My suggestion is to stop trying. He doesn’t enjoy having you around and I’m sure you are not having a good time either. You have tried hard but the kids keep calling the shots, I assume because the parents are, at least in part, enabling that behaviour.

Your DSS and your kid will have very different needs and interests due to their age so, letting DSS and DP have their time on their own might give you that precious one to one time you will need and want to have with your baby, your family or your friends.

Well from his perspective there’s a lot going on. He met you, then in under a year and a half you’d moved in with his dad, renovating a house together, and got pregnant.

Not exactly ‘hanging out’ casually during contact time, is it? He might feel it’s all just gone a bit fast for him. He might be worried he’ll be pushed out. And his remarks that things are ‘different now’ aren’t off the mark, they are different. Sometimes (especially as a teen) change is very difficult.

We have been extremely careful not to rush things or over step the mark. And one of the most important things we have done is ensure they have lots of 1-2-1 time together. Infact 99% of their routines from before he met me still stand.

Also, this plus your comment that you’ve taken things slowly don’t really square with you in just over a year moving in and getting pregnant. To him, that will have felt fast and it will have been a big change.

You say he’s disliked you from the beginning though? Did you and his father discuss this when talking about moving in/trying to get pregnant?

I have a ds in this position, minus the pregnancy.
The reasons he hated dad's girlfriend wasn't anything to even do with her. He couldn't stand how fake his dad had become when around gf.

So it may not even be anything about you, just how your presence has changed things from how he knew it to something he no longer likes or feels comfortable with. Obviously for a 10 year old, making sense of that won't be easy and it would be expressed as just not liking you.

Sounds like he just doesn't want you there OP. You're trying to fit into their routines and ingratiate yourself with him, but he just sees you as a third wheel, unnecessary and unwanted. He wants to be with his dad, like he always has, so from his POV you're an interloper who doesn't belong.

TBH, I doubt it's about you personally, it's just that he doesn't want anyone else in his relationship with his dad and if neither parent has ever really had a SO during his whole life, it's not surprising that he wants and expects the status quo (i.e. his parents as single people devoted to him), to continue.

You've moved in and got pregnant in the space of a year? That is NOT taking things slowly

Poor kid. He's gone from being the focus of his dad's life to being a PT visitor in his dad's new family

I’d be sending him out with his dad for pizza or whatever and letting them have a good natter. His dad should try and get him to open up about what’s up but make it clear that the super hostile behaviour has to stop. He can’t make him like you, but he needs to accept you are now part of his life and should be civil etc

Obviously not guaranteed at all but I hope he bonds with his new sibling. I’d be making an effort to invite him over first etc

@zafferana

You've moved in and got pregnant in the space of a year? That is NOT taking things slowly

Poor kid. He's gone from being the focus of his dad's life to being a PT visitor in his dad's new family

Right now you have gotten that out your system do you want to offer some/any advice ? Or you just here for the OP bashing.

Since the cats literally out of the bag. OP can do diddly fiddle about being pregnant.

Can we offer actual advice rather than a stream of negative commentary on decisions that we may or may not have made. We have all made mistakes, I'm sure op knows this isn't ideal. Let's not continue to kick her.

Festive Mayo your absolutely fine ! Nothing you have put sounds bad, just constructive. Even PP who mentioned DH move out actually was giving another option or way of looking at things.

The collective MN mind should be able to come up with some tactics on how to make both OP and DSC life a bit more bearable. It doesn't have to be flowery, it doesn't have to be rose tinted or not honest but it does have to be something workable/practical. Even comments saying look this happened to me as a kid and I felt like x is helpful for OP to gain understanding from the child's perspective and maybe other blended family members.

Saying poor child isn't helpful.

@Magda72

"It’s not personal, he just doesn’t want a step mum in his life. He would prefer his Dad to be single, which I think is a natural and fair thing for him to feel. There’s not much you can do about it except respect his position" No - just no. This & 'think you should pull back as much as you can and let him have uninterrupted time with his DF before the baby comes' are not solutions & help no one, especially & 10 yr old! *@CanadaFall* my dd was the same age as dss when her df had a baby with her sm. She found it very tough & like dss didn't want to spend time at her dads - he was inclined to agree & not push her. However I put my foot down with both him & dd. In her head if she stopped visiting, her dad would come to her & everything would go back to 'normal'. But, that was never going to happen & so she had to get used to & embrace the changes. She kept up her access, was told (by me) that sm & baby were going nowhere & that she (dd) was as much a part of that family as anyone else in it & that while every day over there might not be super fun she would have a new sibling who she would have to share her df with but whom she would love. 6 years later she thanks me for not giving in to her. She loves her now 2 siblings & has a great relationship with her dad & sm. Honestly - when did it get to a point whereby parenting seems to involve letting kids make all their own decisions from such a young age? If kids are told they never have to weather any change or difficulty then they don't learn how to negotiate & overcome obstacles.

Fantastic post!

Could you maybe speak to ds about what he would like for you to do to make things easier for him?
Compromising with him and ds having some actual control and say in the matter might be easier for him.

He might say "I want you to not be here"
At which point you tell him you understand that but you can't do that, however you can do x and y. How does he feel about that blah blah blah.

Saying poor child isn't helpful. I think saying poor child is a damaging mindset. No one says it of an older child having a sibling in nonstep family.

He dislikes you because he had a life and a home that was safe and happy, and then it changed in ways he was unable to control and he did not like. His home did not feel like his home any more. The main factor in that change was your arrival, so all his upset is directed onto you.

The funny thing is, you dislike each other for the same reason: you both feel your home would be happier without the other one there.

My suggestions (as a seasoned step mum) would be:

1. Find things you admire about him and train yourself to only think positive or sympathetic thoughts about him.

1. Never say or imply anything bad about his mum

1. Minimise your physical presence in his home as much as possible - e.g. use the same Christmas decorations from the pre-you years, don’t fill the walls with new photos, etc. Remember, it’s the change he hates, not you.

1. What are his interests? Without being pushy, find one interest you share/can tolerate and learn about it. Might just be a YouTuber he likes. Let him catch you indulging in your new interest. Slowly, slowly on this one, but you can build a lovely connection with him that only the two of you share if it does work. I have had many such interests over the years, including some (like F1) that I now genuinely love and enjoy with my DC and DSS.

1. Don’t force it. Leave him to have as much time as possible one on one with his Dad, whilst setting up appealing situations with you that he can join in with if he likes. Be a warm, smiling, light-hearted presence in his house, but not an over powering one.

Similar to @Magda72 my DD struggled massively when her df had a baby with SM. She was very jealous, felt pushed out, replaced. She would have felt that way if her Father and I were still together. It's normal. Change is hard for children, they fight it and don't like it. You represent change he doesn't welcome. The problem is life involves change, there's no way to avoid it & whether we like it or not we have to learn to embrace it. He sounds like a typical kid to me who has had quite a bit of change in the last couple of years, change he had no choice in, and is finding it hard to adjust to.

The one other thing I'll say is it's ok if your DSS doesn't like you. It's almost certainly not personal and best met with compassion, empathy & acceptance. Trying to force a relationship is what causes issues. So just carry on as you are, being kind, warm, and try to involve him when the baby comes along (congrats!! :-) ). It's possible a relationship will grow with time, but it's also possible it won't - either way it's got to be ok.