Anyone here got step kids who just hate them for no reason at all?

[CanadaFall]

I’ve posted previously about something similar but NC for this thread. Hoping some more experienced amongst us will be able to give some advice.

I’ve been with my partner nearly 2 years. He has a son who is 10. For the purpose of this and to avoid confusion I’ll refer to him as DSS although my partner and I aren’t married.

DSS has just got a huge issue with me and the fact his dad has a partner and we are both at the end of our tether on what to do next.

For background, DP and ex were never really together. Had their son young and split when he was 14 months. He has no memory of them together but DP has been heavily involved in his life the whole time. He’s a brilliant dad, really attentive and has put up with a lot of unreasonable behaviour from his ex over the years.

My DP has been single nearly the whole time apart from one relationship when his son was 4. He was with the lady around a year and whilst it wasn’t majorly serious his son didn’t seem to have an issue with that. Or if he did, he was too young to perhaps vocalise this.

DSS’s mum has been single (as far as we know) the whole time. DSS lives with his mum and he splits his time between parents 60/40. I was introduced to his son gradually after 8 months. Started out slowly, building up to being around more. We have been extremely careful not to rush things or over step the mark. And one of the most important things we have done is ensure they have lots of 1-2-1 time together. Infact 99% of their routines from before he met me still stand.

Which brings us to today. He absolutely hates me and it’s for (on the surface anyway) no reason. I’m polite and kind and friendly. I make an effort but I’m careful not go over step the mark. I don’t get involved in big decisions/school/discipline as I know my place. I don’t bad mouth his mum. All I do is hang out with them some of the time during their contact and try to make the effort. I’ve tried to suggest doing things with him individually so we can get to know each other better but he’s dismissive of me. Sometimes he barely even acknowledges my presence.

I expected some resistance in these situations but given I wasn’t the other woman and there’s been no major disruption I’m at a loss as to where this has come from? It’s been going on a while and now DSS is refusing to come over at all. Partner has tried to take him out to do things 1-2-1 straight from his mum’s but DSS is negative towards him and has developed a bit of an attitude towards. Chats from his dad, mum and gran haven’t worked, all he says is things are different. School aren’t concerned, infact his teacher told DP he’s getting on great!

Any advice? I feel so hurt. It’s not about me but I feel like I’m carrying so much guilt and I feel sad for my partner.

It's not you he hates, it's your position/role. Give it time...

@FestiveMayo

Saying poor child isn't helpful. I think saying poor child is a damaging mindset. No one says it of an older child having a sibling in nonstep family.

Totally agree. I think it's damaging to all parties and assumes children can't adapt, grow and adults can't either.

Children because of the very nature of them are always changing, so they are better than us adults from my perspective at dealing with change. But maybe because I'm getting old and set in my ways !

I hated my SM until I was around 18 i lived full time with my dad SM was in the picture from the age of 14. I hated her being in my space and things changing if she got pregnant I would have hated her even more she was actually lovely and I apologised to her in my early 20s.

I think the fact you're pregnant might be unsettling for DSS he's 10 so has had a long time to be an only child in the space of 8 months he's had a new step mother and the idea of a baby possibly interfering in his life . He didn't ask for this so just be gentle
.

this has happened to someone I know - really acrimonious split where the DM had an affair (and is still with OM), and after the split the DF was single for quite a while. DCs initially opted to spend most of their time with DF, however when he eventually met someone and after a few years moved in together, then got pregnant, one of the DCs just decided one day after no previous problems that they didn't like the GF any more and wouldn't see their DF or her. No real reason and whenever asked the answer was basically 'don't know why just don't want to'.

Cut to now and DC has admitted that although DM / OM caused the breakdown of the marriage and are still together, they still thought their parents would get back together, and once the DF's relationship with his GF got serious / new baby on the horizon they saw the GF as the reason their parents are not together even though it's absolutely not! Similar age DC - I think at that age they are starting to be aware of the complexities of adult relationships, but can't really process it as such so need someone to 'blame' when they can't have what they really want.

His dad needs to try and get to the bottom of it really, without any input from you.

So I'm gonna give the perspective from another angle which is child of blended family belong to the second family re your baby.

My dear half sister got a lot of hassle from her DM when eventually dad moved on. Things really ramped up when my Dm fell pregnant with me My step sister was less than impressed and had a lot of pressure put on her from her Dm to chose a "side".
We never really knew the horrors until she was old enough and brave enough to share just the extent of what she was put through but it was v obvious something was always there.

My poor sister tried her best to hate me (she's told me this) but because we are similar and she is unlike her mother in nature, she didn't hate my Mum or dad or me, it was really just a lot and felt very torn and confused.

She's my go to person now (and a absolute ball breaker to boot) and I'm not saying that will pan out that way for you and your situation. Just to give a happier ending that may occurred than most you will read on here.

Her DM still hates me now but DS tells her to badger off. You can't anticipate how the kids will be but also how they will grow into adults. You may find your DC has a friend for life, it may not work out like that but don't rule it out.

Good luck op 💐

Only on the step parenting board would people suggest that a pregnant woman lives apart from her partner whilst raising her newborn "for the sake of the stepchild" jeez

@Dollyparton3

Only on the step parenting board would people suggest that a pregnant woman lives apart from her partner whilst raising her newborn "for the sake of the stepchild" jeez

Missed that one. There's no way that is a solution any more than if I'd said "maybe the SC shouldn't come around any more"

@Aquamarine1029

I'd end it. Too much bullshit, too much angst, and all of this will damage the relationship your partner has with his son. I wouldn't want to be involved in this at all. He's only 10, there's potentially years and years and years of this nonsense ahead.

I would echo this. You aren't even married to your partner. This child wants his Dad to himself. You aren't his Dad's wife and you are not a blood relative, and if you haven't won him round now, you are in for years of torment and your partner will put his own son before you every time.

I would be out - life is incredibly short and there is no time to waste.

@FestiveMayo
If I had to hazard a guess, my guess would be that the partner is having second thoughts about the wisdom of moving in together until things are better resolved.
A man who has lived part time with his child and yet maintained a good relationship with the child, knows first hand that this is a doable arrangement.

Clearly, he is not not bothered by the need to be married to the mother of any of his children; so there is no urgency in that regard.

I would imagine that at this point from the father's perspective, he realizes that he has created a bit of a tangled solution and he is in no rush to further complicate his situation anymore than necessary.

At this point, the OP and the partner are still not living together, and it is probably not the OP's decision to still be living apart.

At this point , the partner is probably less concerned about having a live in partner and more likely focused on the unresolved issues facing him. He may actually see living alone and having both of his children on a part time basis to be the better solution for him.

Tbh, if his interest had ever been in creating an "us " arrangement, he would probably have handled things differently.

Unlike the OP, he is experienced in having his child on a part time basis , and he knows that he can manage such an arrangement and maintain a good relationship with his child.

This may not be the solution that the OP had hoped for, but I would imagine that she also never hoped or planned to become an unmarried mother.

Given more time, this situation may resolve in a manner that best serves the needs of all involved, but the OP's impending delivery is not likely going to force the outcome that she seeks. Time and not necessity will likely lead to the better solution.

I adore my stepmum, she’s fab. I still had times when I resented her as a child though.

It can be hard for many children to have parents who aren’t together. Especially if they are naturally sensitive.

Wherever you are you’re missing your other parent. And knowing that they are spending 100% of their time with their partner can easily make you feel like second best. I know my dad and stepmum did their best. But I still remember how it felt to leave, knowing that their family life went on, happily, without me.

I think when you’re little it can be easier to blame your stepparent for the situation than your mum or dad. That way you don’t have to deal with uncomfortable feelings towards your parents. It’s not fair, but it’s not the child’s fault either.

I never had half siblings and honestly can’t imagine how much more difficult it would have been to watch my mum or dad parent a shared child with their partner. One who didn’t spend a chunk of their time elsewhere.

[quote Tattler2]@FestiveMayo
If I had to hazard a guess, my guess would be that the partner is having second thoughts about the wisdom of moving in together until things are better resolved.
A man who has lived part time with his child and yet maintained a good relationship with the child, knows first hand that this is a doable arrangement.

Clearly, he is not not bothered by the need to be married to the mother of any of his children; so there is no urgency in that regard.

I would imagine that at this point from the father's perspective, he realizes that he has created a bit of a tangled solution and he is in no rush to further complicate his situation anymore than necessary.

At this point, the OP and the partner are still not living together, and it is probably not the OP's decision to still be living apart.

At this point , the partner is probably less concerned about having a live in partner and more likely focused on the unresolved issues facing him. He may actually see living alone and having both of his children on a part time basis to be the better solution for him.

Tbh, if his interest had ever been in creating an "us " arrangement, he would probably have handled things differently.

Unlike the OP, he is experienced in having his child on a part time basis , and he knows that he can manage such an arrangement and maintain a good relationship with his child.

This may not be the solution that the OP had hoped for, but I would imagine that she also never hoped or planned to become an unmarried mother.

Given more time, this situation may resolve in a manner that best serves the needs of all involved, but the OP's impending delivery is not likely going to force the outcome that she seeks. Time and not necessity will likely lead to the better solution.[/quote]
Sorry if I missed it, but where does it tell us she doesn't live with him?

I

@excelledyourself
The OP had a prior posting in which she immediately stated her pregnancy and the fact that they were neither married nor living together. The situation with the son however was the same.

@candlelightsatdawn

So I'm gonna give the perspective from another angle which is child of blended family belong to the second family re your baby.

My dear half sister got a lot of hassle from her DM when eventually dad moved on. Things really ramped up when my Dm fell pregnant with me My step sister was less than impressed and had a lot of pressure put on her from her Dm to chose a "side".
We never really knew the horrors until she was old enough and brave enough to share just the extent of what she was put through but it was v obvious something was always there.

My poor sister tried her best to hate me (she's told me this) but because we are similar and she is unlike her mother in nature, she didn't hate my Mum or dad or me, it was really just a lot and felt very torn and confused.

She's my go to person now (and a absolute ball breaker to boot) and I'm not saying that will pan out that way for you and your situation. Just to give a happier ending that may occurred than most you will read on here.

Her DM still hates me now but DS tells her to badger off. You can't anticipate how the kids will be but also how they will grow into adults. You may find your DC has a friend for life, it may not work out like that but don't rule it out.

Good luck op 💐

Believe it or not, many stepmoms would tell you the same. I no longer see my DP’s children regularly because I could see pressure they were put under by their mum, I saw the guilt trips they were sent into and the tantrums of their mum and it was impossible not to see in these children the pain I saw in my own child when his dad was being an abusive arse after we split.

@GrandmasCat it was pretty horrific for her. Completely torn in terms of loyalties, actively being told that her dear dad didn't love her and I wasn't her real sister and he loved me more now, she was going to be pushed out.

Really messed with her head because those thoughts hadn't even occurred to her and it was consistent put into her mind until there was no space for anything else. She loved by dad but he was safe space for her to kick off at, where as her mum well... wasn't safe in any aspect emotional or otherwise. My mum was often playing a balancing act and never let it show to us, was even more kind to my half sister even when she went a bit wonky. That was country to what her DM had said about my mum and that messed with her further. As a step mums now I think her resilience and frankly poker face in all this is amazing but this aged her. It really upset her mum that my mum just wouldn't rise to it, no matter what she did. And the stunts that were pulled were just crackers

Adults putting their emotions on children without actually finding out how the child feels, is a cruel cruel thing.

It annoys me to this day. My sister is kind soul. She deserved better.

Also can we stop hinting that op is some type of fallen women who's DP doesn't want to marry her now she's pregnant and has one door out the door😵‍💫 or now want to commit to her.

We don't know this - it's a assumption . Not everyone actually believes marriage is the end goal (and some think it's a special type of trap).

Please think of your own bias religious or just gender stereotypes before spouting off because at the kindness view, it's ignorant.

@candlelightsatdawn
Most of the statements on the site are assumptions as we know nothing with certainty and we are all speaking from our own perspective and pointing of view.

I said that the OP was pregnant and unmarried. That is not casting her as a fallen woman. That is a restatement of a fact stated by the OP.

Assuming that she was not raped ; I would assume the she is pregnant as a result of a consensual act and remained pregnant as a matter of choice.

.No level of judgement intended other than to suggest that the current situation indicates a certain pattern of thinking. Sometimes, the decisions made are the indication of the actors priorities nothing more. It is then reasonable to consider the likely outcomes based upon the prior actions and the demonstrated thought processes.

It was meant to be a reflective process not at all condemning.

[quote Tattler2]@candlelightsatdawn
Most of the statements on the site are assumptions as we know nothing with certainty and we are all speaking from our own perspective and pointing of view.

I said that the OP was pregnant and unmarried. That is not casting her as a fallen woman. That is a restatement of a fact stated by the OP.

Assuming that she was not raped ; I would assume the she is pregnant as a result of a consensual act and remained pregnant as a matter of choice.

.No level of judgement intended other than to suggest that the current situation indicates a certain pattern of thinking. Sometimes, the decisions made are the indication of the actors priorities nothing more. It is then reasonable to consider the likely outcomes based upon the prior actions and the demonstrated thought processes.

It was meant to be a reflective process not at all condemning.[/quote]
It may be worth to assume as well that many people who chose not to marry do actually have planned pregnancies.

It is quite ignorant to assume that babies out of wedlock or children of single mothers are “accidental”. Most aren’t.

@GrandmasCat
I too assumed that most of what has happened in this entire process has been intentional. The point is that some of the current outcomes are the very foreseeable outcomes of those being intentional .
decisions. That is in no way saying that the intentional decisions were wrong decisions; however, the outcomes should not have come as surprise. Given the child's age, the nature of the existing arrangement and his ongoing response to the OP wherein lies the surprise?

Are you suggesting then that those who have left bad relationships do NOT have a right to rebuild their lives or have more children as they need to continue pandering to the abusive exes they left, who use their own children to hurt the parent who has moved on?

Honestly, being the second wife or life partner sucks because a lot of people see the first wife as a victim whose bitching is due to the new one being assumed, rightly or wrongly, the other woman.

In fact, the abusing nature of the ex wife / ex husband may have started long before the split, long before the husband / wife moved on or met the new partner. The children are now thrown in the middle of the battle because that’s the only weapon the ex has left to hurt the other.

@GrandmasCat
I don't really see the ex as playing any part in this situation. I see a child not wanting a change in his current situation and 2 adults having to make decisions about their future. There are no hidden or nefarious circumstances acting upon or against the OP and her partner. They are simply dealing with the foreseeable outcomes of intentioned actions that they knowingly and willingly made. That is not the doing of ex. That is just the way that life works. None of us are able to avoid the outcomes of our actions and choices. It is easy to place the blame on the ex, but that is just a way on not taking ownership of our own actions and decisions.

I think there's a school of thought that basically if you have been married and had children and split up for whatever reason, you as a parent shouldn't move on or be allowed to move on with life because of the kids.When In fact that mindset is often intertwined with the mindset of "staying together for the kids". In my view that is unhealthy for all parties and damaging all around. However this is often preached as what is best for the children. Which in reality is often what's best in terms of the RP because then resources or other people external to the first family don't need to be considered. It is simpler pragmatically but life isn't simple.

Those people (and I'm not suggesting anyone here holds this view) then take a very dim view on second families because they feel that it's unfair. Which is why unfairness is often brought up in relation to SC but never the children of secondary families. These people want apologises for not having a simple and easier life. This tends to be the parents of the first families by the nature of things and people get agitated.

Secondary families often don't realise what they are walking into. My DSM really had thought that her ex DH wouldn't have contemplated having another child, even though she knew he always wanted more children for DSD and for himself. She had simply thought because it didn't happen with her (her choice), there would be no chance of it ever happening. It was a shock. It challenged her simple world and as a result she had feelings on it.

Ironically to all this my DSD is thrilled, and possible has 0 concerns and worries because she's of who she is. This wouldn't be the normal of most children, most need space and time, not to be told ok dad/mums going to stay single forever because most kids when older want their parents to be happy. Children want children things.

Kids have feelings on change and the advocacy for slow change and empathy is good in relation to children. However letting children dictate what goes on in adults lives is not something that happens in nuclear families but with the "rules of agreement" from the first marriages complicated things and people feel the need to apologise for change that happens in blended families. Which isn't correct.

Much like in any legal matter, a contract can only be held by two parties, SP are not part of that original contract but often bare the weight of it in terms of shaming, negative consequences, and held to a higher standard than the original parties as a apology.

People are free to move on but should to empathetically and carefully. However that doesn't mean putting a child's views and wishes (usually the first family reuniting) as the gold pillar of good parenting because often people leave relationships because it was detrimental to the children not despite of it.

I can only comment from the POV of having been the child of a single parent, who was single for most of my childhood: you get very used to being the most important person in their life. A serious relationship is a threat to that - suddenly there's another important person in their lives.

My mum had one serious relationship in my childhood, and I absolutely loathed him, despite the fact that he'd been nothing but nice to me and was making DM very happy.

I suspect, had the relationship lasted, I would've come round to him, but it would've taken a lot of time.

My DM though, was always very clear that whilst she would always love me more than anyone else in the world, she was entitled to an adult relationship too, and that, even if I didn't like him, she did. I'd expect your OH to be similarly clear and firm with his son if your relationship is going to stand a chance.

He's had each of his parents entirely to himself for virtually all his life. It's been him and mum or him and dad, always. He's the centre of each of their worlds, and he hasn't even had to share either of them with the other, as only children of parents who are together, do.

He has had no experience whatsoever of sharing a parent. Of not having their full undivided attention. So he is never going to find it easy to have anyone else around when he's with either parent.

It's not personal. But it's going to be hugely difficult to get him to see past this. He simply hasn't had the experience in his ten years, of not being the only focus. No other adult, no other sibling in his day to day life.

To be honest, I think he's going to struggle as an adult, in general. Growing up this way is likely to mean that sharing and compromise are going to be a huge struggle for him.

He probably needs some counselling. To look around him and see friends who have to share their parents with siblings, even with the other parent. To see what is the norm and recognise that it's something his friends deal with day to day.