Do you think it's important that Christmas presents are the same?

[GroovyHands]

Or of the same value at least?

I'm talking not about my parent and step parent but from wider family.

Is it okay for, say for example, the step parents family to spend more on the step parents biological child than the step parents step children?

I think it is in extremely poor taste to have expectations towards what anyone other than yourself should spend on your kids or anyone else's kids.

My kids are taught to say thank you very much for any gift and to be aware that no one has an obligation to give them anything. Gift giving comparisons are not an acceptable practice in our home.

My feeling is that no one other than myself and their father has any obligation to or for my children, and consequently it is impossible for them to do to little for my children.

The grandparents both biological and step are very generous to both sets of kids ,and we have never had an occasion where any child seemed unhappy.

I think children getting Christmas gifts together should be treated the same. If DC and DSC are all together at one grandparents, they should be treated the same, you can't give one a selection box and the other an xbox game.

Parents need to think this through when making Christmas plans

@GroovyHands the thing is and I don't know if it's just me, I would be horrified if I had the entitlement to sit down and be like right grandparents you must spend x on all the children, have to be totally comparable in size and monetary value.

Bonkers. This crops up in blended families because people feel this overwhelming urge to try and apologise for SC coming from broken home and I say this coming from blended family !

By weird MN logic parents must intervene on the basis it has to be equal. Now I'm sure if it was other way around people would say SC are older so their gadgets are more expensive and DC are young so it's all fine they won't understand.
The assumption that other people need to apologise for DSC broken family by getting exactly the same montery gifts for all children ignores the fact the DSC have non stepgrandparents and aunties they will also be giving them gifts.

I don't say ok SDC you got a Xbox (mum's side) from aunty X so I need to run and get DD a present of equal value or must hide your present. I would explain to DD that all families are different and that needs to be explained to SC too.

Kids don't care about this tuff as much as adults think they do.

Surely if they all get the same then the step children end up with much more as they have way more people buying for them .

The only time I’d argue that they should be treated “the same” would be where the step parent is actually raising the child ie the dc are being brought up in the same household. In that situation I’d prefer wider family to treat all dc the same or else just not do gifts as it would be very obvious that the bio gc/dn was being favoured and could potentially cause harm.

Often though the wider step family have little or no relationship with a step child because it’s an EOW arrangement in which case I don’t see that they should be expected to treat them the same when buying gifts. Even young dc are able to understand that someone else’s gran/auntie isn’t their gran/auntie.

@lunar1

I think children getting Christmas gifts together should be treated the same. If DC and DSC are all together at one grandparents, they should be treated the same, you can't give one a selection box and the other an xbox game.

Parents need to think this through when making Christmas plans

This is it in a nutshell. Plan your gatherings accordingly.

If I expected my children to get the same as other children then I would expect to be the one to provide what I thought to be an equalizing amount.

If it were more than I was prepared and capable of spending, I certainly would not expect anyone else to do more than I was capable or willing to do to create what I view as necessary parity among my children.

When you bring other children of your own into some one else's family , you should not always expect to have your views be controlling in terms of their resources or time. It is great when it works out as you hoped it would but it is not wrong or inappropriate when it does not. Children are perfectly capable of understanding distinctions in family relationships.

It does depend on size of families though if Step child has massive family grandparents and aunties uncles who spoil like mad. Your child has one grandparent who can’t afford much their present is going to be smaller if she has buy 2 of same value. Obviously as they get older they can understand why presents can be different.

If money is no issue then more effort should be made so will depend on case to case. If the child is also equally part of step child family in theory and gets zero form that side that’s hard for child to understand too.

No way would I expect my parents to spend the DSDs as they do their grandchildren. I expect them to be kind to them when they are in their presence and that's it.

I can't see how raising children to believe that unrelated adults should treat them as they treat their own families is doing ang favours.

Nah. People tie themselves in knots trying to fake a relationship that isn't there. Just so long as if one gets way more than the other the extra are opened at a different time etc. Its fine.

Those parents wanting parity could easily solve the problem by buying gifts for the other extended family members to give to their children if parity is such a big issue. Tbh, I have never seen children count gifts. I have seen the alternative where they are so excited about one or two gifts such that they have to be prompted to open other gifts. The very young kids often lose interest in the whole process and become more involved with the gift wrap or the gift boxes .

Older children tend to understand family relationships and dynamics and will know the difference between my grandmother and your grandmother. Most adults are not trying to be unkind ,and it is unfair to try and impose your views on them.

My mother always keeps several extra gifts for both children and adults in the event of unexpected guests.

Again, any parent concerned about parity can solve the problem by bringing extra gifts to give to their own children should the need arise.

Those parents wanting parity could easily solve the problem by buying gifts for the other extended family members to give to their children if parity is such a big issue. that's really insulting to the family members

@FestiveMayo
I do not think it is anymore offensive than harboring some hidden anger or angst because you feel that your child was denied something to which you feel that they were entitled.

What is offensive is that thought that people to whom you are not related (or even those to whom you are related) should feel obligated to create some kind of parity in their elective gift giving.

There was a time when people tried to teach their children about gratitude rather than materialistic expectations .

There's a balance I think.

It's not reasonable to insist on wider family spending the same on a step child than a biological family member (unless they choose to).

But it's also not fair to have a present opening session with all kids present and one getting a much bigger pile of presents than another.

It's somewhere between the two. Trying ensure things are reasonably fair without dictating to wider family how they must behave, and raising kids who aren't entitled but also aren't treated unfairly.

My DSD is aware that she has two sets of grandparents who buy for her, therefore her step grandparents on both sides don't buy the same in quantity/value as they do on her DBs on both sides.
She also knows she gets the same value as her DBs from both parents, so is in effect getting double from parents.
She's always been completely grateful to both mine and her stepdads parents for the gifts she receives. She doesn't treat them like grandparents and doesn't expect them ti treat her like their grandchild

[quote Tattler2]@FestiveMayo
I do not think it is anymore offensive than harboring some hidden anger or angst because you feel that your child was denied something to which you feel that they were entitled.

What is offensive is that thought that people to whom you are not related (or even those to whom you are related) should feel obligated to create some kind of parity in their elective gift giving.

There was a time when people tried to teach their children about gratitude rather than materialistic expectations .[/quote]
Really can't disagree with tatter on this one. She's spot on.

What is offensive is that thought that people to whom you are not related (or even those to whom you are related) should feel obligated to create some kind of parity in their elective gift giving.

I agree you can't say anything, but I would think those who treated the children differently were a bit shitty, personally. If I were buying, I'd treat them the same.

@rrhuth can you explain the logic behind that please ?

If SC have both step grandparents and bio grandparents they are literally by the nature of things going to be getting more that any children in the second family.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@rrhuth can you explain the logic behind that please ?

If SC have both step grandparents and bio grandparents they are literally by the nature of things going to be getting more that any children in the second family.

[/quote]
I would personally want to treat them the same. There's nothing more to it than that, I think you have to be a knobber to look at two kids in the same family and think 'I'll spend £80 on child and A and £40 on child B'.

I must be a knobber then because I spend different amounts on my own children let alone step kids/step grandkids.

[quote Tattler2]@FestiveMayo
I do not think it is anymore offensive than harboring some hidden anger or angst because you feel that your child was denied something to which you feel that they were entitled.

What is offensive is that thought that people to whom you are not related (or even those to whom you are related) should feel obligated to create some kind of parity in their elective gift giving.

There was a time when people tried to teach their children about gratitude rather than materialistic expectations .[/quote]
I think both things are offensive. No point buying extra presents for a child because their step relative hasn't got them anything. That's offensive to the relative.. a, we don't think you got them enough so we've bought what we deem suitable.

@FestiveMayo
I agree that the whole notion of expectations about gifting outside of what the biological parents provide is tacky and offensive.

Were my children to ever express disappointment about the quantity or quality of a gift that they received from anyone, it would be a very long time before they were allowed to receive gifts from me or anyone else.

My children are taught that " thank you very much " is the only feelings that they are allowed to express about any gift that anyone was thoughtful enough to purchase or provide for them.

They are fully aware that no one has an obligation to give them anything. They know that are not lacking anything that they need and are fortunate enough to have much of what they want.

Why in the world would they ever feel the need to count or compare gifts? I don't begin to understand how adults instill that kind of thinking into their children or themselves entertain that level of entitlement.

I think too many people tie themselves in knots and create drama by creating expectations and obligations on wider family members based on who they happen to be dating.

Each child has 2 parents, a maternal side of the family and a paternal side of the family. Those relatives might be very involved or not at all.

If a parent has children with different partners, they should treat their children fairly (and fairly doesn't always mean the same eg. A 3 year old and a 17 year old don't have to have the same monetary value).

If an adult chooses to create a blended family situation then them and their partner need to decide how they, as the romantically involved couple who chose to create a blended family, wish to do their gifts for the children in the household.

No wider family has to start trying to even out gifts. When a blended family is chosen by the adults, they are accepting that the children all have different family relationships with their respective parents' families. If they wanted children to have the same family relationships and the same Christmas gifts then they shouldn't have opted for a blended family.

@Tattler2 They are fully aware that no one has an obligation to give them anything I think that's very important and if adults start making a fuss about how things aren't "equal" or "fair" then the kids will pick up on it and feel entitled to something that it's perfectly reasonable for them not to have. Kids are smarter than people give them credit for and can understand the concept of "blended" families.

I would say there’s a range of factors - in past years my mum has spent more on my DC than DSD and it hasn’t mattered because DSD wasn’t there when presents were opened and also DSD gets presents from grandparents on her mums side, dads side, stepdads side and my side so was getting far more than mine anyway.
This year the situation has changed a bit and my mum will be spending the same on the all the children as they now all live together full time and DSD will see and be hurt by being treated differently