Do you think it's important that Christmas presents are the same?

[GroovyHands]

Or of the same value at least?

I'm talking not about my parent and step parent but from wider family.

Is it okay for, say for example, the step parents family to spend more on the step parents biological child than the step parents step children?

I think it really depends on the particular situation. I wouldn’t make my stepchild unwrap a Cadbury’s bar then watch their sibling romp through a Dudley Dursley pile of expensive and exciting gifts. Yes, they will get gifts at their other home, but their sibling won’t watch them unwrap them.

If it’s a case of grandma buying a present for the grandchild and not the stepchildren, but they’re opened at the same time as all other house gifts and stepchild has been treated fairly by their father, then it’s different. But if it’s a special trip to the grandparents to open/receive gifts and I knew the stepchild would get nothing or a small token then I would save it for when the stepchild wasn’t there.

No it doesn't have to be equal at all. I come from a blended family. I have a full brother, a half-sister and a step-sister so other than my brother and I everyone had different combinations of parents and step-parents in their own family tree. Can you imagine the logistical nightmare of trying to get everyone's grandparents/aunts/uncles, etc to all spend exactly the same on all four of us kids while at the same time taking into account people's different financial situations and the fact that actually nobody is really obliged to buy anyone a gift??

I remember one year my half sister was taken to Lapland for Christmas by her mother and maternal grandparents for one of those Meet Santa experiences. It was eye-wateringly expensive even back then. There was never any suggestion that my brother and I were "missing out" because we weren't going too. It was just an accepted fact that "Half Sister is off to Lapland with her Nanny and Grandpa - isn't that nice?" and neither of us ever got our arse in our hand about it as we often went off to do things with our maternal grandparents that our half-sister obviously wasn't involved in.

Now that I'm a Stepmum myself with two stepsons and a child of my own on the way, I can tell you now, I'll be doing the same thing. Whatever my stepsons receive for Christmas from their mother's family will not be compared to what my child receives from my family as it's not comparable. The only thing that is the same is all the kids having manners and being taught to say thank you to the gift giver. That's it. No need to complicate things any further.

@BloodyAlarms

I must be a knobber then because I spend different amounts on my own children let alone step kids/step grandkids.

But presumably not intentionally/consistently because you have a closer relationship with one child than another? If you did that you would definitely be a knobber.

based on who they happen to be dating this thread is about established stepfamilies. Second marriages are real relationships.

presumably not intentionally/consistently because you have a closer relationship with one child

But a lot of wider family members, grandparents for example, WILL have a closer relationship with the biological child for a variety of reasons. That's just natural and normal. Pretending otherwise is just exactly that, pretending.

No, because the step children will have other relatives normally buying for them.

Obviously situations vary, my relatives step daughter has always been treated the same but she was only a year old when they met and despite divorce she's treated as one of the family. (They treat me as one of the family too despite divorce). But if there's other relatives the step kids will be getting more gives unless their grandparents are as equal!

My dp bought his dd a car, I bought mine insurance for hers (she paid for the car herself) ...

@LemonySnickery

presumably not intentionally/consistently because you have a closer relationship with one child

But a lot of wider family members, grandparents for example, WILL have a closer relationship with the biological child for a variety of reasons. That's just natural and normal. Pretending otherwise is just exactly that, pretending.

I think you get the relationship you choose to create. I would choose to spend the same.

I think you get the relationship you choose to create

I think that's an extremely simple way of looking at things.

@rrhuth actually I don't agree here.

Especially with stepchildren, you do not in anyway get to chose the relationship you have with the step child. That is often down to the child, personality the child's external factors that will influence the child's perspective on you (aka RP thoughts on you).

That also applies to step grandparents. God love my DSD but she would really get spooked at my mum trying to fill the granny role. And actually god forbid be trying to fill the mum role. Regardless of her actual relationships she has with either mum/granny.

It's very different when step mum steps into the role of mum if mum dies. But other than that the best you can hope for is another trusted adult in DSC life.

Sometimes your position in their life isn't what you would hope but that is part of the course.

Bonkers to suggest otherwise.

@LemonySnickery

I think you get the relationship you choose to create

I think that's an extremely simple way of looking at things.

That's fine, people don't have to agree.

I've lots of years' experience in my own life and am glad I did it the way I did. For me it was quite simple I suppose, I did what I would have done if they'd been a new biological addition because it seemed simplest and most loving. For me it worked out well.

I would not have wanted to explain the other option, I personally would have been embarrassed to have chosen that.

I don't always spend the same on our children, DH and I discuss what we think they would each like. Sometimes it works out we roughly spend the same, sometimes there can be quite a big difference.

Especially with stepchildren, you do not in anyway get to chose the relationship you have with the step child. That is often down to the child, personality the child's external factors that will influence the child's perspective on you (aka RP thoughts on you).

I expressed that badly perhaps, but I came to the view I do my side, and the kids do theirs. So I chose my side.

Harlequin1088
Your family as a child sounds wonderful and so does your approach as a mum/step mum.

this thread is about established stepfamilies. Second marriages are real relationships.
I didn't say they weren't real relationships.
I said that extended families have no obligations to children based on who the adults are dating and explained quite clearly that each child has their maternal and paternal families.
The families of an subsequent relationships shouldn't have to treat all children in the household the same and then one set of children also get extra from their other parent's side. What's fair about expecting step mum's parents all giving the same to all children under the guise of 'fairness' and then step children also getting presents from mum, mum's parents and wider family?

One adult choosing a romantic relationship with another adult with children does not create any obligation on their wider family to treat the children the same. For example some grandparents choose to save for their grandchildren, but there's no obligation to start a savings account for a stepgrandchild in the same of fairness when stepgrandchild has their own maternal and paternal grandparents.

@rrhuth gottcha but I would also say that there's balance there. I can impose my will on DSD and chose my position in her life and she can reject that and chose hers but idk I would feel I'm being disrespectful of her lines she's put in the sand if I kept crossing them like nope I'm gonna just ignore that.

Maybe my approach is different because I saw my step sister get absolutely blasted by her mum every time, she showed any type of vaguely looking comfortable at our house (second family) or treated as part of the family by anyone that wasn't biological related. Every event, every Christmas, she got a grilling. Most notably my birthday when I asked if I could share it with my step sister and she had the bravery to ask if it was ok with her DM. She got the hid beaten out of her for that one.

Now I'm Uber careful about boundaries because you never know why someone might have them.

Happy ending to that rather grim story is that my step sister is one of my favourite people and also one of the strongest people I know but she's certainly not warm and fluffy, mainly because she wasn't "allowed" affection from anyone and certainly didn't get a lot of it at her house. That came with her into adulthood.

Children in blended families have different configurations of family, all with different means and different relationships. I can't imagine a way it would be possible, let alone desirable, to attempt to have an equal outcome at Christmas.

I do understand particularly young children might compare and feel they are being treated as 'less' but it's important to frame this in the context of the fact that everyone's situation is different. Children in blended families are not the same so why pretend they are? Similarly, children at school will compare their gifts, some will have more others less.. such is life & it is good to teach a child to be grateful for what they have.

@rrhuth

But presumably not intentionally/consistently because you have a closer relationship with one child than another? If you did that you would definitely be a knobber.

Yes intentionally and yes consistently but not because I preferred one over the other, but because there is a 12 year age gap.

[quote BloodyAlarms]@rrhuth

But presumably not intentionally/consistently because you have a closer relationship with one child than another? If you did that you would definitely be a knobber.

Yes intentionally and yes consistently but not because I preferred one over the other, but because there is a 12 year age gap.[/quote]
Just came here to say you are not a knobber. Needs and ages effect how much you spend on kids.

I assume you aren't keeping one under the stairs Harry Potter style so I think your fine.

[quote BloodyAlarms]@rrhuth

But presumably not intentionally/consistently because you have a closer relationship with one child than another? If you did that you would definitely be a knobber.

Yes intentionally and yes consistently but not because I preferred one over the other, but because there is a 12 year age gap.[/quote]
Well that's my point, your reason was not about the relationship.

For me, I'd have been witholding on a principle I don't agree with if I'd given differently.

I bought the same, and let the kids decide how they felt about me. I'm not in competition with anyone and can love many people, so did not have any reason to hold back.

It worked out fine.

@GroovyHands From your Op I think you are talking about extended family from your step parent’s side of the family.

My Grandparents had many grandchildren so any present at all was appreciated because it is quite an effort and cost to buy presents for so many family members.

My Nana spent all year buying and sorting and storing gifts for every grandchild. She would always give you something practical that she thought you needed. I couldn’t possibly know if she spent equal amounts per grandchild. I presume not, because it wasn’t about how much it cost or if everyone got something of equal value. It was about the thought she put into it. It was about her knowing you. And she showed her love by caring about your needs, not your wants.

Gift giving is about relationships. How well do you know your extended family? How close are you? This is more important than calculating how fairly you are treated by having equally valued gifts.

It's absolutely fine for SP's family to not treat them the same. People need to realise that these are not people it is a given will have a close relationship to one another, at all.

My SC and my parents barely know each other.

I also agree that there is an awful lot of ingratitude in people's attitudes to gifts these days, worst of all being the kids due to how they are being raised.

The more you try to be equal in a blended family , the more inequality you are likely to create in real terms.
So you potentially get one child getting gifts from mum, dad and 4 grandparents and another child getting the same from mum, dad, x2 step parents, 4 grandparents and 4 step grandparents. So back in the real world, not the handwringing MN world they both end up with vastly different amounts gifts because everyone wanted to make it the same.
And again with days out. last weekend we had beautiful weather so went further afield to a really nice park with a garden centre for Christmas decs shopping and fair ground rides and lunch out and had a lovely time. DSD would have loved it but she was with her mum. We weren't going to waste the chance because of that, although there are some on MN who genuinely seem to believe that we should have just gone to the shitty local park or DH should have stayed at home because he was not treating his children equally. Regardless of the fact that DSDs life goes on without us, our should not go on without her. So that's just gone and created another huge inequality in the name of keeping things equal.
It doesn't take much of a tug for equality to completely unravel. People should just be sensible.

@Youseethethingis
The sensible thing to do is to control what happens in your home and keep it equitable among the father's children. It is unreasonable to think about or plan what happens in other peoples homes.

Children, much like the rest of us, live in a world where gifts, resources, and even necessities are unequally distributed. This is a reality from which none of us can be protected or shielded.

You can only control your actions in your home. If things are equitably handled in your household and children are taught that gifts are unexpected treats and not entitlements, your children wi!l not be irrevocably hurt or traumatized .

@Tattler2 the sensible thing is for the parent to worry about equality if thats what is important to them and leave everyone else out of it (I'm more of an equity person myself, DSD gets far more than DS does from DH because of her age and circumstances, DS time will come when he's that age and she is an adult so it will all even out in the long run).

My mother does the same for dsc as my own. It actually annoys me a bit and I've told her not to do it

Tbh I think it is totally down to individual circumstances.

eg.

DSC in full custody with no bio grandparents or extended family = all kids are treated the same with out exception

DSC in 50/50, weekend visits/ bio grandparents and extended family = kids get presents that reflect relationships.

It isn't a one box fits all and all adults concerned should try and have emotional maturity when it comes down to the kids in their care.