Do you think it's important that Christmas presents are the same?

[GroovyHands]

Or of the same value at least?

I'm talking not about my parent and step parent but from wider family.

Is it okay for, say for example, the step parents family to spend more on the step parents biological child than the step parents step children?

@Youseethethingis
I actually think that we are in agreement. I too believe in equity as opposed to the same or equal. In my own home, my daughter and step daughter often want more expensive v gifts than their younger brothers. We do not try to give spend the same amounts nor do we try to make the quantity equal, but we do try to get most of what they each seem to want.

It is trying enough for me to manage what happens in my household; I have no time or inclination to try a determine how others outside of my home determine and structure their gift giving policies and practices.

All of the children have been taught to say "thank you very much" and to recognize that any gift is a thoughtful token or gesture and not an entitlement.

At any age, had my children been counting gifts they would have been subject to a serious talk from either me or their father. Such behavior would not have been acceptable in either home.

@Tattler2 it was bound to happen one of these days - a Christmas miracle

@Tattler2 I think this is another thread where I agree with you.

And your comments about parents buying gifts for the other adults in the extended family to give to the SC made me giggle.

I think it just depends on the situation and their relationship with them. For example, we see my in laws a lot as they live down the road, and they treat all the children equally (2 mine, 3 DH’s) which is very kind of them. My DC have no GPs on my side as my parents are both dead so it’s nice for them. However my sister lives miles away and we barely see her- she tends to send presents just for my DC. We just open them at a time when the other children aren’t here, it’s not a big deal, I wouldn’t dream of telling my sister she now has to buy presents for 3 extra children.

[quote Tattler2]@Youseethethingis
I actually think that we are in agreement. I too believe in equity as opposed to the same or equal. In my own home, my daughter and step daughter often want more expensive v gifts than their younger brothers. We do not try to give spend the same amounts nor do we try to make the quantity equal, but we do try to get most of what they each seem to want.

It is trying enough for me to manage what happens in my household; I have no time or inclination to try a determine how others outside of my home determine and structure their gift giving policies and practices.

All of the children have been taught to say "thank you very much" and to recognize that any gift is a thoughtful token or gesture and not an entitlement.

At any age, had my children been counting gifts they would have been subject to a serious talk from either me or their father. Such behavior would not have been acceptable in either home.[/quote]
Obviously nobody is saying anything about counting gifts. It’s not about a miserly stepchild sitting saying ‘why have they got nine gifts when I have eight?’ But if there’s a huge disparity, for example one child has a selection box to open while the other has a Nintendo switch toy and a new bike, obviously that’s noticeable and it would be better to have the stepchild not attend to receive the presents.

Very dependent on situation.

But if there’s a huge disparity, for example one child has a selection box to open while the other has a Nintendo switch toy and a new bike, obviously that’s noticeable and it would be better to have the stepchild not attend to receive the presents.

I can imagine situations where this would be upsetting, though still mainly in scenarios where the stepchild has been lead to believe there is no difference in the relationship they have with the grandparents, or where there actually isn't a noticeable difference because they live there full time.

But still, from an EOW perspective that still wouldn't be a major issue if my DSS was opening gifts at the same time as DD. He will have either been with his other side of the family the day before or after and would be getting loads of gifts from them, he can connect the dots and understand the situation. It might be best to do grandparent gifts at the same time as parent gifts, so both are getting something substantial, but they don't need the same from my parents.

Surely all the hand wringing would be saved (if it not abundantly clear to the SC already) if the difference was explained and the rational as to why ?

Might save people having to walk around with extra surprise Christmas presents hidden in their boots like a bad version of Santa on crack in case someone goes bit extra on presents.

My DSD would think I'm barking if I had to explain this to her. Like actually think I had grown 10 heads and tell me she's not a moron.

My parents spend more on my Dd than SD. And I would never dictate otherwise.

Dd is their first and only biological grandchild right now. They love SD very much but obviously don't have the same bond they do with my Dd.

And no, nobody feels bad about this. Including DH. Because DHs ex has parents who spoil SD at Christmas (their biological grandchild)

We have this crap every year. Ss comes to us and dh wants an equal pile for him so wants to buy him more to make up for the gifts bought by my extended family and friends ( some of whom buy for ss and some don’t even know him so don’t buy) so we end up sending more on ss ourselves. Ss then goes to his mothers at 6pm to his pile there. My dd is now wise to this and thinks it’s unfair. I’m inclined to think the same but what can you do?

Absolutely not. My family don't even buy for my stepkids as they barely know them, and nor would I expect them to.