Sounds awful but…

[TwoDots]

…sometimes, like right in this moment, I feel like leaving my relationship because I can no longer stand all the constant drama with ivory he ex. Like, we just can’t lead a peaceful life and I question what the f I’m doing.

Does anyone else feel like walking away because of your partners toxic ex?

Yep, I felt like that for a while. She’s definitely up there as one of the reasons I broke up with my ex.
You have my sympathies. It’s not easy.

Doesn’t sound awful at all.

Could he be doing anything else to protect you from her shenanigans? That’s often an issue.

While we obviously want to support our partners/husbands it’s sometimes wise to step back where possible and ask for info on drama on a strictly need to know basis.

Is there anything that might help?

Also, it’s okay to walk away from any relationship at any time, not saying you should but it’s always worth remembering

I would walk away if I were you, and quickly. Life is too short for that bullshit. You don't have to tolerate this nonsense, even if you care about someone. Don't you want your life to be as peaceful as possible?

You don't sound awful at all @TwoDots. There's no doubt in my mind that I'd still be with exdp if it wasn't for his exw & his inability to ignore her.
As a parent I understand that a toxic ex will use the dc to 'get' at you (& boy did his ex do this). However, I firmly believe that 'feeding' the ex by giving her/him the attention they so desperately want creates such a toxic dynamic that no one outside of it can withstand it.
Exdp's solicitor, his therapist & me all advised him to become less emotional over the dc; that they were actually quite happy with her & were just schooled in guilting him as per her behaviour but he just would not listen to any of us. Every drama she & the dc created he fed, & my God was is wearisome.
You have my utmost sympathy because I know how incredibly difficult it is having your daily life dominated by the behaviour of someone you would never put up with yourself.

Yes. I considered it many, many times. It's very hard having someone who is essentially a stranger trying to make your life hard.

I didn't leave, however I would never, ever do it again if we ever did split. Never.

Not awful at all.

I split up with my dp after his (long-separated but not divorced) ex was dictating how he shouldn't sell his house/still be doing all her running about. Despite her moving on, moving her new chap in to their former/still to be dealt with in the divorce home, and having a baby with him.

He was divorced within 6 months, put the house up for sale and begged me for a second chance. It took me dumping him to realise how much he still felt he owed her dispite her treating him like shit.

Not bad at all, I used to feel exactly the same. We now have as little to do with her as humanly possible. It's a shame because I really wanted it to be reasonable, pleasant and kids-focused. But that only works when everyone is playing the same game.

It's totally ok to feel like this, the way I see it, it's your brains way of saying look remember there's a out of you need it, your not trapped.

I will say that it's not you that's triggered her to go nuts and cause drama, it's the representation of what you stand for and some ex's want daily reminders that they too are not forgotten and important .

I have to say all the previous poster are bang on, it's up to DP to keep the drama away from you. That said I will be honest even though mine is doing it currently, seeing her name pop up on the phone every 2mins via text with some vague link to DSD is annoying. Especially since she taken to calling daily right at dinner time and won't stop calling until it's picked up so could store all this random thoughts until then but doesn't sigh 😩. This has gone from texting maybe once every two weeks no calls to this level of contact after we told her the baby news.

What I'm saying that even when DP is supposed to not be telling you, it's hard really hard to detach in the world of texting and phones.

I have no solutions for you but a lot of sympathy 💐

Would I do this all again, no I wouldn't which is truly rather sad.

It's not awful, I expect what you are feeling is very common. How is the drama affecting you? Is it the disruption to plans? Is it that she's contacting DP lots with drama? Could your DP be doing more? He could not tell you of the dramas and make sure he isn't always answering her texts straight away unless it's urgent.

It’s not for us to to tell you how to feel. Interfering exes and men who cannot boundary them appropriately are hell to live with.

I ended my relationship and eventually reconciled after many promises. To be fair to my ex, he did boundary her. In so much that he didn’t talk about her latest batshit crazy antics constantly. It didn’t stop the impact to him however; so whilst he kept it away from me, how he would show up/ the choices he was making were very much dictated by her (despite him telling me they weren’t). He would also get frustrated that I wasn’t ‘supporting’ him.

The end of the relationship was a special anniversary dinner during which. He made a horrible comment to me. I later found out that earlier that day she had informed him his EOW contact was not going ahead. He says the two were not linked.

I ended it and there are zero chances of reconciliation, ever. I will set myself on fire before going back to him and his dysfunctional ex. It doesn’t just depend on your partner stopping talking about her, but forcing themselves to remove the emotional calls they allow these women to have.

@sassbott The end of the relationship was a special anniversary dinner during which. He made a horrible comment to me. I later found out that earlier that day she had informed him his EOW contact was not going ahead. He says the two were not linked.

You know this paragraph is probably the saddest thing I have read in a while 💐 and I think that's down to that even after all that stuff, he was still completely blind to the writing on the wall.

It's no wonder you often comment the most spot on posts on here.

I'm sorry also your ex was that much of a 🛎 end.

Yep, dh’s ex has no boundaries at all. It’s hard, led to so many arguments. It’s easier now kids are older and independent.

I'm not remotely going to suggested tat any of the pp experiences aren't true or valid but can I just suggest an alternative pov? I'm the ex wife. He turns everything into a drama, looks for 'tone' in my emails when there really was none. Says I'm doing something for X reason when I'm genuinely not. He's so pissed off that I didn't just disappear in a puff of smoke when he left and that he has to deal with his obligations that every communication is fired back at me with accusations of 'demands' and 'agendas' that simply aren't there. Is it possible that some of the drama is seeded in your partner's perception of his ex rather than her actual actions or intentions?

@candlelightsatdawn it was deeply sad. At the time however I knew it was nothing about me and something had happened. He was provoking as he wanted an argument because she had pissed him off.

I didn’t care, I had detached to such an extent that I knew it was nothing about me, and all about him. He said to me what he wanted to say to her.

The best part is that he couldn’t remember saying it (or so he claims) and what he could remember, he was calling me on my behaviour. Apparently I was the problem.

I veer between relief that I’m out and anger that I wasted so many of my years on his lies and promises.

@HugeAckmansWife yes there are the men / women who create drama and whip up problems where none exist. I would hope posters on here can see through whether one person is being a complete idiot vs true high conflict exes/ deep embedded dysfunction that predates the newer relationship.

@sassbott selective memory. Funny how it works when the most hideous stuff is said. It's frustrating that he could have taken a inch of responsibility and still shakes it. I'm glad you got out.

@HugeAckmansWife I totally agree I'm also to add to complications - a ex wife and my ex HB will often say all my ex's are psychos 😩🙄 right in front of me and his family as a "joke" (we all get on ok) and usually my response was that women don't like being cheated on repeatedly while being pregnant and that does tend to get their back up. The silence that happens.
The thing is that a guy like that often shows his colours early, so the new partner usually had a idea of what's going on. I what can I say re my ex HB, I was young ignored all the signs and the compounding nail, never spoke to anyone about things.

MN for all it's drama and vileness can really help get other perspective on things.

In my experience, if the drama is still ongoing after over 18 months post split it will be like that until the dc are adults, and sometimes even then it carries on.

My experience was like that of @sassbott in so much as he stopped talking to me about her but she still managed to effect his every mood which I then had to bear witness to - so really his ceasing to talk about her hardly mattered at all.
I remember saying to my therapist once that sending him off backpacking without a phone for 6 months would be the only way to break the toxic cycle he, the ex & the dc were locked in; that he would actual need to go NC for a bit in order to recalibrate.
Obviously that sort of thing is not an option but it goes to show how embedded those relationships still are - even when people try to move on.
It's so telling that so many of us say never would we do this again.
@HugeAckmansWife I actually think that most tuned in sms are well aware of who's causing the drama & most drama is a two way thing.
For eg. My exh goes though phases of getting 'dramatic' about our dc & our coparenting. When he does this I refuse to fuel it & it blows over. The problem with the scenarios we're discussing here is that both parties are still feeding off their old dynamic & embroiling all the peripheral players in that drama.
@sassbott so sorry your ex got so 'mean' in the end. I don't know you but I know you absolutely did not deserve that.

Can I suggest looking at this the other way round? There is a lot of victim blaming on this thread. My EH made my life very difficult for me (and therefore my DP). He weaponised my DC and caused them a great deal of unhappiness. I used to regularly wish I was back with him, just to make it all stop, despite how much effort it had taken for me to leave.

The lowest times were those that my lovely DP would also her exasperated/cross/frustrated with ME because of it. I couldn't detach emotionally due to my DC being with EH often. EH made boundaries very difficult because they ultimately suffered. My DP supported me so much, and I needed that.

It wasn't my fault EH was/is like he is. I needed support and love to get through it. Things are better now (due to time) and I agree with current partners needing to be aware of protecting those new partners from crazy exes. But don't just walk away from or victim blame your DP. He is trying to navigate this the best way he knows how.

@tripletsohgod I think there's always another perspective and your right it is hard on DH/DP when dealing with a unreasonable ex. However there has to be a line in the sand in terms of support and where it's returned by DP to the current partner.

The current situation I face is now my DH ex has been told this baby is viable and likely to be poorly but not dead upon birth. She's really upped the pressure because the baby has become real to her before it wasn't a problem.

Problem is I'm already in a pressure cooker and her turning up the heat even a tad is taking a massive hit to my MH. She was never like this before and both of us keep having WTF moments. I love him I do but I'm not sure a saint, I also have a breaking point and I'm not the devil for admitting that. It's not pressure in a short time space that's the killer for love, it's pressure over a extended period of time. You can only fight for so long.

Many of these women sharing fought long and hard battles only to have their battles lost because their partners could not break the cycle, many coming out with lost limbs (as it were). The DH aren't the only victims in these battles often partners or DC/ DSC are also.

Acknowledging that pain, isn't victim blaming because although a ex maybe being a nut there is also DH (many ex DH now) allowing the nut to rule the roost and in some cases making/enabling the ex partner worse behaviour . Not all ex's are nuts, not all DH is victims- they both feed off each other in many cases (but not all). It's not so black and white. Shades of grey everywhere.

@tripletsohgod I get your point but I disagree. My exh was remarkably difficult when we split. The split was 100 % him & he was wracked with guilt which he fully projected onto me.
I did not get into a relationship with anyone else until I worked through all that stuff which took me years & cost me a fortune in therapy.
I was highly supportive of my exdp especially as I understood what he was going through. However the difference was I was prepared to do the work so to speak while he wasn't. He went to therapy but wouldn't properly listen or take advice. He went back to solicitors & wouldn't properly listen or take advice. He knew what I had gone through (& my exh had a drinking problem & was psychologically abusive) but wouldn't take advice from me.
I can now coparent with my exh because I strengthened myself & take no shit from him & so like all bullies he backed off once he realised I wouldn't stand for his crap. This was not easy as I have 3 dc with him but I also did it for them - modelling boundaries.
All I ever expected from exdp was that he do similar but he just wouldn't.
There's only so much you can support someone who actually doesn't really want to change the dynamic.

@hugeAckmanwife I always find responses like yours in threads like this a bit odd. Why does step mums sharing their experiences make you feel defensive? It's like you think that step mums having trouble with their partner's ex is somehow an comment on you.

You're not giving an "alternative perspective" or posting "from the other side" you are talking about a different situation involving entirely different people.

@tripletsohgod I have to disagree with this
But don't just walk away from or victim blame your DP
Walking away is always an option for anyone. It's not victim blaming to put your own mental health first and take yourself out of a situation that you're unhappy. And note that a couple of posters above did walk away and suddenly their partners were able to make some changes after all ....

And note that a couple of posters above did walk away and suddenly their partners were able to make some changes after all ....

This is what makes it all the saddest part of it because they could have changed and stopped their partners from being fried alive but didn't often they watch as the partner takes the beating. They just let it happen.

Sometimes taking no action/choice is also a choice which people forget.

I empathise. When I think back to the earlier part of my relationship with my partner I don’t know how I endured the endless harassment that he was subject to and the control she had over us through there being no contact agreement and her trying to keep my partner on the end of a piece of string. Not to mention how she impacted their child with her poison.
It can work if your partner wants things to change. Grey rock technique cut off her oxygen supply - Especially engaging only with matters relevant to the child. And not answering every message straight away - there’s almost never a need to jump just because she sends a message.
We ensure I have no direct/minimal contact with mum. She’s so awful that every interaction I have with her is a negative experience so we try so hard to avoid it.
But the main reason our relationship survived is because there is a water tight court order with zero wriggle room for her to screw everyone, RFP her child, around. Thanks to that contact order and the explicit warnings in it that she will not retain her access if she goes back to court, she is finally fairly calm. It’s been a long road. In hindsight I cannot exactly recommend it, but if you want a future with your DP it is possible.

Sometimes taking no action/choice is also a choice which people forget.

Well put. My ex (now back together after he finally sussed the damage his ex made) didn't see that he had any choice, he thought that 'doing the right thing for the kids' meant bowing to the ex and making excuse after excuse for her. Which included the kids going to school in trainers because she wouldn't return school shoes after both pairs ended up with her, kids not brushing teeth or ever being taken to the dentist when the appointments fell on her days 'because I don't like the dentist', and my particular favourite, us having to repeatedly treat for headlice after mum refused to at her house.

The choice, he finally saw, was that the ex's behaviour was having a negative impact on the dc. It was quite refreshing when he stopped making excuses and called her out.

@UhOhOops it's just the phase that springs to mind - making no choice is a choice. Usually defaulting to the person who screams the loudest. Which rarely is the SM and usually the ex.

When the consistent volume is loud, everything else sounds like chatter, until some poor person suddenly goes I'm going fecking deaf, take your noise that you bring and badger off. I'm done.

My DH was quite shocked when I told him quietly that my life would be a lot more peaceful and frankly less complicated without him and his monkeys in it.
He pointed out that he couldn't control those "monkeys" but I also said they are attached to you and you aren't controlling them for whatever bullshit reason. So idgaf bye. He was genuinely shocked, but I hadn't raised my voice loud enough against the noise. Ohhh did he completely backtrack.

What did your DH say to her in the end ? Just thinking if any solutions worked for you would be helpful should some poor unsuspecting SM come here looking for things that worked.

Mine just lost his shit.