Sounds awful but…

[TwoDots]

…sometimes, like right in this moment, I feel like leaving my relationship because I can no longer stand all the constant drama with ivory he ex. Like, we just can’t lead a peaceful life and I question what the f I’m doing.

Does anyone else feel like walking away because of your partners toxic ex?

*withhold

Children under secondary school age views aren't really taken into account as judges are aware they can be put under undue influence.

Oh and you can always PM rather than take a thread of track.

He definitely needs to go to court, his ex is at an age where her wishes will be taken into consideration

Dc not ex

Honestly, the problem is never the ex.
The problem is the idiotic puppet like ex husbands, that can't say no or set healthy boundaries around the ex.
Sad but true!

@SickOfCrap the problem is both of them! In a lot of cases the exw does not actually want to let go & so enacts behaviours & scenarios designed to get emotional reactions out of the exh who is so terrified of not seeing his dc that he is incapable of establishing boundaries.
Alternatively there's many an exh who also does not want to actually let go & insists on emotionally placing himself in his exw & dcs home in order to feel needed and wanted & in control of his 'family'.
Either way both parties are instrumental in maintaining a toxic dynamic that affects everyone negatively including the dc who often start displaying very toxic behaviours themselves.
We often think of divorce as the end of a relationship but if there's dc involved it's not a full ending. The marriage is over but a new, very different relationship between the parents needs to start up. This is something a lot of divorced parents just do not seem to get & so they end up dragging the detritus of their 'failed' romantic relationship into their new coparenting one, perpetuating the old dynamics which most likely broke them up in the first place, making everyone miserable & making any new partner a secondary player in the ongoing drama of the old marriage.

[quote Magda72]@SickOfCrap the problem is both of them! In a lot of cases the exw does not actually want to let go & so enacts behaviours & scenarios designed to get emotional reactions out of the exh who is so terrified of not seeing his dc that he is incapable of establishing boundaries.
Alternatively there's many an exh who also does not want to actually let go & insists on emotionally placing himself in his exw & dcs home in order to feel needed and wanted & in control of his 'family'.
Either way both parties are instrumental in maintaining a toxic dynamic that affects everyone negatively including the dc who often start displaying very toxic behaviours themselves.
We often think of divorce as the end of a relationship but if there's dc involved it's not a full ending. The marriage is over but a new, very different relationship between the parents needs to start up. This is something a lot of divorced parents just do not seem to get & so they end up dragging the detritus of their 'failed' romantic relationship into their new coparenting one, perpetuating the old dynamics which most likely broke them up in the first place, making everyone miserable & making any new partner a secondary player in the ongoing drama of the old marriage.[/quote]
This is my life. This is how my new start for an amazing future has turned out, linked to a man who cannot & will not put boundaries in place with his ex. Latest was she gave him no notice but got his daughter to tell him he had to have the kids over half term. There was no communication from the ew, just a message from the daughter who then said "why don't you want to have us"? He works full time, she doesn't work. How the hell do you cope with this. He literally takes it & says nothing. The mother is now showing the kids how to treat their dad; with disrespect & contempt & use emotional blackmail to get your own way. Do I have to sit on the sidelines & watch this play out for the rest of my life? It's an utter joke & breaks my heart but the relationship between exes is such an important thing to understand before you commit to a new partner

He literally takes it & says nothing. The mother is now showing the kids how to treat their dad; with disrespect & contempt & use emotional blackmail to get your own way.
@Neveragain85 I can totally sympathise & I'm so sorry things are like this for you.
This is how things turned out with my exdp; the dc just modelled their dm's behaviour & also began treating exdp like an atm with no feelings. It was both heartbreaking & frustrating to watch. Exdp was instrumental in perpetuating this. Despite being a very forthright person in all other aspects of his life he refused to stand up to his exw or to see his dc for what they were becoming. Rudeness, money grabbing behaviours etc. were ignored & never addressed & to be honest I just had to get out - I couldn't tolerate it anymore.
Exdp did go to therapy (which is the only advice I can really give you) & it did help but he stopped way too soon believing himself 'sorted'.
We were a great couple in every other way but the dynamic with his exw & dc was absolutely toxic.

I never blamed my husband's ex for any of the drama, although she's the worst person I've ever met.
I blame it on him for not being capable of setting boundaries and put her in the place she deserves to be. One has only as much power as the other gives them.

[quote Magda72]@SickOfCrap the problem is both of them! In a lot of cases the exw does not actually want to let go & so enacts behaviours & scenarios designed to get emotional reactions out of the exh who is so terrified of not seeing his dc that he is incapable of establishing boundaries.
Alternatively there's many an exh who also does not want to actually let go & insists on emotionally placing himself in his exw & dcs home in order to feel needed and wanted & in control of his 'family'.
Either way both parties are instrumental in maintaining a toxic dynamic that affects everyone negatively including the dc who often start displaying very toxic behaviours themselves.
We often think of divorce as the end of a relationship but if there's dc involved it's not a full ending. The marriage is over but a new, very different relationship between the parents needs to start up. This is something a lot of divorced parents just do not seem to get & so they end up dragging the detritus of their 'failed' romantic relationship into their new coparenting one, perpetuating the old dynamics which most likely broke them up in the first place, making everyone miserable & making any new partner a secondary player in the ongoing drama of the old marriage.[/quote]
I totally agree with you. Usually its because of some issues between both party's that are un resolved or there are still feelings involved.
Which ends up becoming this huge problem.

What do you do if you see the toxic behaviour between them, its not enough to effect your life greatly but its enough not to be comfortable with. And you just know it will always be there between them.
I don't know if I can live with that in my relationship.
I've raised it, it's denied, I'm dragged in sometimes or I'm told I'm seeing things.

@Lifewith

What do you do if you see the toxic behaviour between them, its not enough to effect your life greatly but its enough not to be comfortable with. And you just know it will always be there between them. I don't know if I can live with that in my relationship. I've raised it, it's denied, I'm dragged in sometimes or I'm told I'm seeing things.

The gaslighting would worry me more.

One thing to DP who has a ex who is a nightmare to deal with.

It's quite another to have the above plus gaslighting saying everything is fine.

Things can't get sorted if no ones willing to head with it head on.

I think he's more in denial himself really but is slowly starting to see it what she's like but that only last so long and then he wants to moan about her to me. Which I've tried to stop but them I'm not 'supporting ' him enough.

Recent thing is they spend the birthday of the dd together. Which I know a lot of people will tell me that is great for the child. But I disagree when it is used as a control tactic. And I watch while the stupid control games contuine and if I say anything , he only wants to see his child on their birthday? But why at her house?

A tough one.

Much as I love dh, no, I’m not sure I’d do it again. After nearly 17yrs, I’m still pretty much invisible no matter what I do.

Don’t feel bad OP. Your feelings are there for good reason.