Sounds awful but…

[TwoDots]

…sometimes, like right in this moment, I feel like leaving my relationship because I can no longer stand all the constant drama with ivory he ex. Like, we just can’t lead a peaceful life and I question what the f I’m doing.

Does anyone else feel like walking away because of your partners toxic ex?

How hard is it to answer a simple question….please can you let me know which GP she is now registered to? We are 50/50 so it’s kinda important. Why can’t she answer a simple question?

Is it awful of me to insist he goes to court? We’ve put up with this for 6 years now.

Agree with @WickedWitchOfTheTrent said:

‘In my experience, if the drama is still ongoing after over 18 months post split it will be like that until the dc are adults, and sometimes even then it carries on’

My OH has been divorced for over 9 years (he was married for less time). His EW is extremely high conflict and controlling. I remember years ago his solicitor saying it would get better with time. Ha ha ha ha ha….. it will never happen.

The kids are now 13 & 16 but her battshittery continues. For example she recently moved in with her boyfriend (with the kids) but refused to tell my OH where she had moved to / where the kids were living. She also told the kids not to tell their dad.

We completely gaslight her (it has taken a while to get there). She is so emotionally damaged she can’t move on. You need to remember you aren’t dealing with a mentally healthy rational individual. She is damaged and you aren’t dealing with a normal person.

I don’t give her any headspace at all (years ago it ate me up - what she was doing to her own children). Once you realise you can’t control her or her batshit actions it becomes so much easier.

@Candlelightsatdawn you get it spot on, childhood may impact your reactions to things but I wouldn't have the reactions if I didn't have the bullshit if say he didn't have a high conflict ex intend on whatever she is intend on I wouldn't give a shit about who had what and if he just parented with boundaries that are what are in place for my children that we jointly discussed then the Disney dad ding wouldnt be an issue. But these things are a problem. I can change how I react and preportion part of the blame for the shitty at home atmosphere at my door but it does mostly sit elsewhere. I'm quite a good ex wife I don't interfere, I don't tell him what to do, I don't slash their car tyres or badmouth them both to the children to repeat, if he can't have the children because of xyz I don't drop them off regardless etc etc I cannot imagine he and his partner have the same issues whether she had a shitty childhood or not.

@Vie8126 & @PeaceInMyLife this is very interesting. I actually had a great relationship with my dad but still struggled with exdp's attitude to his dc.
While I had a great relationship with both my parents I was very much not mollycoddled as a child - I was taught self reliance & that's what I have tried to teach my own dc. So exdp's constant excusing of his dc's behaviour & constant using his divorce as an excuse for rudeness/bad manners etc. really triggered me. His assumption that my dc were well behaved because they had a easier lot in life than his dc as opposed to the fact that I just parented my dc fairly & firmly drove me nuts.
I used to feel very 'abandoned' by him also which I struggled to understand. However I came to realise that it was his being in thrall to his dc which was not a model I was familiar with which again was triggering for me.
I was brought up under the umbrella system (one that is still advocated by nearly all therapists) whereby if the adults take care of their relationship & don't let the kids get between them then the kids fall in under the protective umbrellla. This applies to intact & blended situations.
I just couldn't deal with the fact that while advocating for a committed, long term relationship with me he was simultaneously prepared to put Us on the back burner every time the dc or ex said jump. All this did was create a dynamic whereby his dc became increasingly demanding & entitled but remained stupidly dependent on exdp for every single thing. They became increasingly difficult to like due to this but it was not their fault they were unlikeable - that was down to exdp & his ex.
I think it's really good to be aware of ones own triggers but I also think it's really important to know when the crap is not actually yours but theirs.

The poor kids.

@Robin233 I agree!
It's terrible to be reared with no boundaries, no work ethic, no sense of independence, a massive sense of entitlement & virtually no ability to empathise with others!
That sort of parenting totally fails children.

@HugeAckmansWife

I'm not remotely going to suggested tat any of the pp experiences aren't true or valid but can I just suggest an alternative pov? I'm the ex wife. He turns everything into a drama, looks for 'tone' in my emails when there really was none. Says I'm doing something for X reason when I'm genuinely not. He's so pissed off that I didn't just disappear in a puff of smoke when he left and that he has to deal with his obligations that every communication is fired back at me with accusations of 'demands' and 'agendas' that simply aren't there. Is it possible that some of the drama is seeded in your partner's perception of his ex rather than her actual actions or intentions?

I have had the same experience as you. I am the ex wife...Everything is turned into a drama, my contact causes him distress!! ( This is because he is keeping secrets from his new G/F and worries im going to tell her) I've moved on and have a new partner so have no interest in him just the children's arrangements. Arrangement's were always broken, times dates changed last minute. I waited 2 hours at a service station once because he arranged to do something else 5 mins before we were due to meet. But he would turn it into I've kicked of and it was a stressful handover :-( ..

Also I'm my experience i have had the new G/F hassling me to not contact., I've experienced threats to come to my works and even online abuse . Its totally exhausting. I no longer make any contact as it was really getting out of hand
I believe it takes two to tango. There is always a reason behind ex's still being behaving like this together.

Go with your gut feeling..

I'm not for one second advocating that anyone puts up with poor behaviours in relationships.

I can just see mine. I can see where it comes from - my triggers but I still am responsible for my actions when I react instead of respond.

@Magda72 I also struggle with the difference in parenting. I was brought up extremely independent and have done that with my dc (in a kinder way than my childhood). But realising that I have never felt not needed or not important to my dc so I have never had to create dependency in them to get my validation as a parent me has led me to respond to Dhs need to feel needed, more kindly. It doesn't trigger me into intense irritation anymore. I can see how upset my lovely dh is when he feels invisible to dss or that he doesn't matter. It must be a horrible feeling as a parent to feel that. But, my dh can see that his behaviours in this is unhealthy and he works on this. He does it differently to me (I'm a rip the plaster off quickly type of person and he is not) but that's up to him and again doesn't irritate me anymore. Dh recognises that his need to feel like a ft parent has led to behaviours in dss that aren't going to help him in adult life. He recognises that his behaviours make him irritating to be around and puts a stop to it. We managed together to break down our defensiveness and get on the same page. We didn't get to that with me putting all the blame on dh and feeling victimised and rejected. Dh had to feel supported by me to realise his own fuck ups.

That isn't to say that some dps are awful and that the sm shouldn't leave. That isn't saying Disney dadding isn't hard work for the sm. I've just managed how to stop myself feeling so personally attacked when dh does go into Disney dad mode. His Disney dad mode is a result of feeling unnecessary to his son. I now say - woa you're going over the top, what need is not being met and how can you meet that. Dh says I miss my son I want to take him out and have quality time with him, I then say go and have a lovely day. I don't feel pushed out, I don't feel like I don't matter, I don't feel envious, I don't feel irritated. I am genuinely happy that dh gets to have his dad need met. It took a long time to get to this. I didnt realise how I was feeling and what I was doing when I felt that dh was abandoning me when over compensating.

@Magda72

It's terrible to be reared with no boundaries, no work ethic, no sense of independence, a massive sense of entitlement & virtually no ability to empathise with others!
That sort of parenting totally fails children.
^^
Absolutely
You are not doing your kids any favours.
In fact you're setting them up to fail.
My dh is brilliant
We have 4 kids between us.
All grown up.
One has a top job.
One worked 18 month for free and now is in management.
One pulls 2 jobs - so 60 plus hours sometimes.
And the 'baby' is working again after covid effected his free lancing job.
All are happy in their relationships.
We are very proud of them.
It could have been a very different story if their child hood had been constant drama with their parents ex's (we had our moments but only briefly, and very early doors. )
Op I feel for you.

My DH highly toxic ex was the biggest prick you've ever come across. Her family couldn't stand her, both her children couldn't stand her - She's made DHs life and my DSDs lives a misery for years. Mine by default, although has always (wisely) kept her distance from me.

We were in court on Tuesday and saw her sentenced to 2.5 years in prison.

The look on her smug face, like a popped balloon. Best. Day. Ever.

@Oakleaf40 This is because he is keeping secrets from his new G/F and worries im going to tell her

As a ex wife and a step mum I would tell her personally I wouldn't keep secrets for my ex if it involved the kids because the new gf/step mum does would be having a impact on my child.

It would give me the ICK actually to do my ex a favour in this manner. I wouldn't want the them vs us feeling around my kiddo or me in truth. He very well might not want you to tell her because she would actually say well then I agree with the ex, your being a 🔔 end and hassle him. That's not her being the issue so much as your ex (sorry if I'm disparaging him here as I can only go on what's been posted) Without information she can't make a informed choice and idgf if my ex kicked off tbh.

I'm pretty transparent with both my ex's new partner and my DH ex for this exact reason. We don't parent or step parent in a bubble. However both have proved them selves both the new gf and DH ex (on the whole) as having the ability to communicate effectively. If either was being irrational I would be looking at why from their perspective and who's feed me that info and why (if it's just the ex DP I would be highly suspect as that's trianglisation at its finest)

@TwoDots it's not really about the doctors that's why but maintaining control. It's mad that you have to go to court but it seems actually it takes the personal element out and with a ridged legal framework in place, things simmer down.

@SlipperTripper

My DH highly toxic ex was the biggest prick you've ever come across. Her family couldn't stand her, both her children couldn't stand her - She's made DHs life and my DSDs lives a misery for years. Mine by default, although has always (wisely) kept her distance from me.

We were in court on Tuesday and saw her sentenced to 2.5 years in prison.

The look on her smug face, like a popped balloon. Best. Day. Ever.

What was she sent down for ? 2.5years isn't a light sentence by any means !

OP if your SC is about to start secondary school then if your OH doesn't start the Court process now then in about a years time he may find he is out of time.

To start the Court process he needs to invite his ex to mediation first.
Then once that fails or if they agree a Parenting Plan and it isn't adhered to by her, then he needs to apply to Court.

candlelightsatdawn It would make very little difference to her now as she believes everything she is being told..and is completely blind to things despite things being right in her face and would re in force her thinking I'm the crazy ex.
I have decided the best cause of action is to step away from there drama and focus on my own parenting and my 2 sons.

@Oakleaf40 that's a shame it's gotten to that point. I'm completely supportive of doing anything you need to protect your children and MH.

Your ex sounds like a right 🛎 end. Hopefully though she will see it as it is, but honestly maybe because I'm contrary like that I would totally slip it into conversation with the new gf and I get on with my ex DH 😂 He tried to say we split up (in group convo) because our previous baby died and I casually said while drinking tea actually it was because you cheated on me repeatedly post the loss of our child and while I was pregnant and lied consistently. Then I said but maybe I'm just over emotional. God his face, she smacked him. I know the high road and that but I didn't embellish or say it with emotion just stated fact. But then she's ok tbh. Can't grizzle nice lady.

candlelightsatdawn He is actually. LOL.. I have told her she needs to focus on why hes behaving on him rather than me. But hey hoe.. Karma .. Nice to hear that you can all get along...

@Oakleaf40 I'm not gonna blow smoke up and say it's been rosy. It hasn't but then DM is usually pretty reasonable has her moments but sure so do i. But this is not the norm for most it with seem and the situation is HAF (as my DSD would say)

It's the age old problem of if DH had a affair, ok burn the OW alive but your contract is with your DH. Be annoyed more at him for breaching that contract. In which ever manner he's done it (I'm just using cheating as a example)

She will twig I'm sure.

candlelightsatdawn t's the age old problem of if DH had a affair, ok burn the OW alive but your contract is with your DH. Be annoyed more at him for breaching that contract. In which ever manner he's done it (I'm just using cheating as a example) She was just a friend. :-)

So I guess she knows what hes capable of and is worried because if you can both be happy with breaking up a marriage and lie to others then you get what you deserve.

@candlelightsatdawn child sex offences, would you believe.

It's been horrific, but Tuesday was a hugely satisfying end to a vile, very upsetting process.

Everyone is safe now, and she (and her co-defendant) are both where they deserve to be. I only hope they are treated accordingly in their respective prisons.

@SlipperTripper oh grim only 2.5 years for that is just so bloody grim. Yes prison doesn't treat people like this well so that's something.

Glad everyone's safe now !! 💐

@Oakleaf40 yup he's definitely a 🛎 end

@RedWingBoots DP and the ex have started mediation and she landed the bombshell that she wants SD to switch schools asap and only wants DP to have every other weekend now. He’s never been an EOW dad and it just floored him. We’ve not spoken to SD directly about her mums plans but he’s spoken to her about her general feelings about things and she wants equal time with both parents and defo to go to secondary school with her friends. She would be devastated to leave her primary school as she loves it.
Since the first mediation session the ex has gotten worse. She’s completely ruined our Christmas plans, obviously changed the GP behind my partners back and is now trying to get the child benefit put into her name. My DP has called her out on this behaviour and of course it’s all just a coincidence 🙄

Mediation was set up because we’ve had years of the ex walking all over him, ruining our plans, generally being difficult about everything just so she had control and can be seen to be the main parent. There’s no respect, no consideration and I truly don’t believe mediation will change that. He needs to go to court to get it all sorted but I still feel he’s afraid of it. I don’t think we can have a peaceful life without it now. My hod we’ve tried everything possible for years

@TwoDots whoever gets child benefit is classed legally as the RP. If it's not her currently I would strong object to this because it builds a case legally speaking for her to say I'm the RP and it's not 50/50 I do more.

I'm sorry your going through this ! How old are the kids ? At a certain age I'm sure they are asked (not sure what age someone here will probably know better than me)

@TwoDots I sent you the PM

And yes like candlelightsatdawn said make sure your DP objects to the child benefit change.

Kids are asked from 8 upwards.

Depending on the judge and how articulate the child is they can be listened to from around 11. Once they get to around 13/14 then you are wasting your time getting an order as you are suppose to listen to them that's unless it is like allowing the kid to move country.

Yep doesn't sound awful at all.
Sounds just like me in my relationship.
It's exhausting and irritating and pisses me off till my piss boils but I love the idiot.

@RedWingBoots oh wow is it 8 for some reason I thought 10. 8 is really quite young and very open for parental alienation. In what way are they asked via cafcass? DP is applying for an enforcement as contact has been stopped due to our ds being born and his said she won't stick to it after it's enforced and he will continue to take it back to court so then if she really doesn't want him to have contact she just has to convince a young child in the meantime to say no and then in 2 years when she's 8 she will have a say - that's madness. It's a shame courts don't look at these high conflict women hurting their kids mentally and do something about it. I know they can now issue unpaid work but do they actually do that as a punishment for breaking a cao?! I'd love to know how many are punished in that way. There isn't really a deterrent is there for them to with old contact etc.

Sorry slightly off topic I kbow just surprised it's 8 my kids at 8 didn't know what they wanted and if they said they wasn't feeling going to dad's I'd say well you'll have a nice time off you go and they would have a nice time!!