DSD and bodily odour issues

[candlelightsatdawn]

So I'm going to get roasted alive for this I can tell, but genuinely bit stumped.

DSD 12 is non neotypical, as all teenagers do she's starting to smell. Problem is we tried have chats with her (DM, DH, me and her aunties) about the fact she's got to that age and hormones ect legitimately does smell and needs to wash use deodorant etc and she is absolutely unfussed. Literally says ok and ignores everyone. She's not embarrassed, she says if it bothers people it's their problem. We have to tell her to wash and wash her hair and she will say she has but comes out with bone dry hair and we have to send her back in. This shower performance lasts about 2hrs every day.

I have bought her a whole goodie bag of stuff, face wipes, deodorant, hair masks, body sprays together letting her chose whatever she liked and spent a bomb and she was all interested and now she will not use it and say she's put it on but the bag remains untouched.

She's at secondary school and is going to be picked on. She's literally that kid. I'm not sure if it's because she's not nerotypical or just because she's gone nose blind but how do I reach this girl. Her aunty was blunter said look if you don't start using deodorant you will be labelled the smelly kid and have no friends and DSD that's ok because I just ignore them.

Short of sending DP in the shower to watch her wash (which both DP and DSD do not want on any level) how do I help her ?

Anywhere she sits the smell remains, I can't seem to get it to click. I do not want any harm to come to her, the ex is completely at wits end and is like if she gets bullied then so be it, I'm stumped and so is DH.

I'm starting to think we will have to force her to put it on in front of one of us but that seems like a recipe for things kicking off as DM won't be happy calling it a invasion of privacy (kinda agree but what else is on table)

I'm not her mum but I am someone who doesn't want her to be that kid. She's bright, she can be antisocial in the extreme and this seems to be the hills she wants to die on. We have had a answer to everything.

Help please. Tips tricks anything ?

You have my sympathies OP, it's tough!

DD is 12 and has ASD, she would never bother to shower/bathe if left to her own devices.

Just a few weeks ago she came downstairs after a shower and she stunk of B.O! I sent her in the bath, there was lots of tears and objections!

I have explained to DD, that like brushing your teeth, washing is a necessity and I will not let her smell.

She now goes in the bath every evening after tea (she was just standing under the shower). And is given her soap and sponge to wash. I tell het every night if she doesn't go wash she will go back in, and no internet/phone.

Like your DSD mine isn't into sprays, smellies etc so it's tough to persuade her!

Hopefully it's just a phase.

@JennieLee we have to be careful here with what we say because DM has been pretty hideous after finding out that the pregnancy I'm about to have will hopefully end in a live baby (babies viability was in question for a while so we didn't have any issues until we told her it was viable although going to be a v sick baby- which is other thread which is lurking on mn) so now we have to be Uber careful as DM has been fairly contentious and I just cant anymore blowing up. DSD does like to rile up both sides, which I totally get because it means they don't focus on issues DSD doesn't want looked at (hygiene, homework ect) but actually both parents need to badly together for the best of DSD. I am just another trusted adult mozying around.

@youvegottenminuteslynn 😩😩😩 you know this made me feel bit teary. I feel like I'm trapped in rock and hard place with DSD and I'm failing her because my brain can't always compute where she's going with things. I really wish there was more learning I could do on this just to help her.

@bubblebath62636 finger 🤞🏻 I'm hoping that she will find her niche on whatever bath products. At this point I will buy her whatever I can to make her feel comfortable. I do agree with her on bath bombs though they do feel weird and look weird in the water. I admit that fully.

I wonder if there is counter-phobic stuff going on with school bullying. So - the bullies pick on the smell, and she goes 'stuff the lot of you, I'm not backing down'. So if she gives in and the smell goes, she loses face.

@SpaceshiptoMars quite possibly. It's not a angle I had even thought of (this is why I posted because my mind can't cover every aspect) but your right this could and in all likely would DSD would cross her mind.

Enforced by DM who has basically said nah your all good, make your own choices.

I suspect strongly the want I have wrap her in cotton wool is completely forgetting that she's pretty resilient little dynamo. That said she has just fallen out with her friends.. so I wonder if that's played a part.

😩 we aren't even the difficult part of teenage years yet.