DSD and bodily odour issues

[candlelightsatdawn]

So I'm going to get roasted alive for this I can tell, but genuinely bit stumped.

DSD 12 is non neotypical, as all teenagers do she's starting to smell. Problem is we tried have chats with her (DM, DH, me and her aunties) about the fact she's got to that age and hormones ect legitimately does smell and needs to wash use deodorant etc and she is absolutely unfussed. Literally says ok and ignores everyone. She's not embarrassed, she says if it bothers people it's their problem. We have to tell her to wash and wash her hair and she will say she has but comes out with bone dry hair and we have to send her back in. This shower performance lasts about 2hrs every day.

I have bought her a whole goodie bag of stuff, face wipes, deodorant, hair masks, body sprays together letting her chose whatever she liked and spent a bomb and she was all interested and now she will not use it and say she's put it on but the bag remains untouched.

She's at secondary school and is going to be picked on. She's literally that kid. I'm not sure if it's because she's not nerotypical or just because she's gone nose blind but how do I reach this girl. Her aunty was blunter said look if you don't start using deodorant you will be labelled the smelly kid and have no friends and DSD that's ok because I just ignore them.

Short of sending DP in the shower to watch her wash (which both DP and DSD do not want on any level) how do I help her ?

Anywhere she sits the smell remains, I can't seem to get it to click. I do not want any harm to come to her, the ex is completely at wits end and is like if she gets bullied then so be it, I'm stumped and so is DH.

I'm starting to think we will have to force her to put it on in front of one of us but that seems like a recipe for things kicking off as DM won't be happy calling it a invasion of privacy (kinda agree but what else is on table)

I'm not her mum but I am someone who doesn't want her to be that kid. She's bright, she can be antisocial in the extreme and this seems to be the hills she wants to die on. We have had a answer to everything.

Help please. Tips tricks anything ?

Does she ever say why she doesn't want to wash? Is it that she can't be bothered as she doesn't see the point of does she actively dislike washing?

I have 3 dc all are neuro diverse asd primarily.

I have to say to mine you smell .. you need to have a shower and wash under your arms with soap and a flannel. Go and do it now so we can wash your clothes. It is not ok that i or anyone should have to smell you. Pussy footing around or using wishy washy language just does not work for my dc any opening to disagree and they will launch onto it.

It's this is a problem
This is how you resolve the problem
Problem fixed

Also I recommend detol laundry cleanser as it gets the stink out of school shirts :)

You need to lower your standards a tad.

Hair masks? Body spray? Face wipes?

Overkill for an ND child. As long as she’s having a shower every other day, and using deodorant, you all need to lay off her.

Sounds like it's due to her being ND to me. I have the same issues with a similar aged daughter and she just does not care about her hygiene whatsoever. We have to physically take over, or personal care never happens. That's part of the reason she receives DLA for help with care compared to a NT child of the same age.

It's unfortunately very typical. Does she see an OT? They help with personal care techniques amongst other difficulties.

Does she object to heavily scented bath/body products?

I would go with shampoo and soap. That's it, nothing fancy, unscented stuff.

If you can get her to have a shower before school, it's likely she can make it through most of the school day without smelling. My ASD teen does not wear deodorant but does wash with shampoo/soap and is fine.

My dd 12 is a bit stinky. The more I tell her, the more she refuses to shower. Last week was a turning point, I told her that the shower stuff was ready to go, get done by 9pm and I wouldn’t moan/remind her - and as it was her choice as to when, she just did, first time ever, for a whole week. I’m hoping it’s a turning point. I also get her to sniff her own clothes and decide if they go in the wash, so she actually realises what my objections are

@ObnoxiousFeminist she picked all the stuff not me. Seemed to enjoy it at the time but I fear that maybe just the journey to acquisition. It was in some hopes to turn it into something fun rather than a shameful thing. I really don't want to shame her or turn this into a battle of wills

We have tried non smelly stuff and smell stuff and stuff she's picked out.

@KylieKoKo I asked her this says she doesn't see the point.

@twinkletoedelephant that's a decent tip re cleaning products will search for now

@KimchiJjigae OT ? Sorry abbreviations aren't my strong suit ? Glad to hear we aren't alone ! Happy to engage with any services that may help ! Point me in the direction I'm clueless

@Djifunrsn I don't know if it's just her but the smell is pretty strong DM says she had the same as a teen abs soap didn't cut it for her so maybe a extra hormone thing ! We have got her Michems based on what Dm has said re what works for her

@Passthecake30 ohhh what age is your DD - smelling clothes is a decent tip

My dd is 12. I think the issue is that she doesn’t want to smell “pretty” atm and she is ahead of her friends in terms of puberty. The other day she reported that her jumper smelt fine to her but it had the smell that I object to, and should probably go in the wash, so I’m slowly winning

Chats don't work with a lot of almost teenage dc, NT or not.

My ds smelt for ages, he showered twice a day too. He couldn't be bothered to put his deodorant on.. thought spraying a bit of lynx on himself would work. I was brutal and told him straight and sniffed his armpits every morning to make sure he put his roll on on after his shower.

If we as parents don't tell them then who will. I didnt want my son to be known as the smelly kid so I made sure he wasn't. He's 14 now and doesn't smell.

Have you tried bribery if nothing else works ? "You can have an hour of X game on the tablet/something else she really values if you have a 5 minute shower and wash your hair"?

My DS is almost 15 and he didn't shower properly until last year. Had to be nagged to get in and then he'd forget to wash his hair or whatever So I'd march him back in and wash his hair for him and hand him the soap

Now? I have to tell him to not have so many showers. He's obsessed with them and aftershave etc etc and his appearance so they do get there and I think I'd cut her some slack at 12

Having said that though, you can't have her bullied. So I'd briskly say ' right, hop in the shower and wash your bits and pits' - make a joke of it. And then say ' once you're done we can watch such and such or you can have some chocolate' or whatever it is you know is a bit of a treat for her.

It's her dad who should be running this show though but I'd go for brisk but kind, 'it's only 5 mins and then we can do x y z'

@Passthecake30 I'm glad that there will be movement on it abs some are winning the war. I'm not sure if I'm impressed of how DSD is literally not being moved on this or slightly terrified of her will. If it's this strong on this I can only imagine if she used this will power for uses of evil. So far the battle against the uses of soap is losing in this house

@PeaceInMyLife DH may have to just smell her armpits but OTT in my view but we have agreed maybe be only way. God knows something has to work. I mean everyone's said it and not in a kindly way (although DM has literally given up). I was the one who put it gentlest because I'm SM and boundaries and she had DM and DH to hammer home. I thought there best be one good cop in there in a whole load of bad cops but turns out maybe that wasn't for the best 😩

@hassletassle haven't tried bribery but I'm down of it works. Ours would be food incentives, I would threaten horse riding but she loves it but knows I can't afford to keep a horse full time so I can't go too mad (however never say never if it means she moves from this dammed anti washing hill)

@Tattered0wl you know I would literally kill for DSD to be like this water meter be dammed. I am feeling slightly more hopeful that this a phase the more I hear peoples stories of coming out the end of it ! DH is leading the charge on it all, DM was but has relented due to just not reaching DSD with kinda approach of she's not listening to me, peer pressure will take its course.

I do suspect that actually there maybe a bit of starting of teenage rebellion going on. DM has said to DH if candles can't get through to her I give up completely. I'm not sure if that's a backhanded compliment or maybe she just thinks I have some magical way to reach DSD (which I completely don't, I'm just pretty clear on boundaries and DSD likes me for it - but not on this occasion)

Also the face wipes we got her because she suffers with bad skin and she asked me what I did to help with acne, same for hair masks (candles why is your hair shiney- so I got her exactly what I have) not that she uses it but still. It there if she's ever very concerned. Which currently she's not but maybe was just in that moment.

If you want to keep it really simple, micellar gel works even better than shampoo. One stop shop for everywhere!

Diet influences how we smell. The more fruit and green veg you eat, the sweeter your natural fragrance.

Allergies and autism are quite frequent bed partners. Gluten and casein prime contenders. Does she drink lots of milk and scoff blocks of cheese?

Casein causing acne is not unknown.

@SpaceshiptoMars funny you mention cheese I'm pretty sure she's got a diary intolerance, due to another issue DSD has which I'm not going to mention here as it will completely derail thread.

However she is pretty much a lover of cheese or anything diary and her DM calls it child abuse to restrict her milkshake intake but also refuses to listen doctor's recommendations on this one point. So it's contentious issue at best.

Her skin is pretty bad but with lots of water we have managed to save her from the worst of it and restrict diary to a degree when she's with us .Poor thing as she really loves it too.

Gluten can muck up the gut, too, and mess with your head. I went to a specialist GP for nutrition, and he told me he routinely takes any patients of his with depression off gluten - high rate of improvement.

Try swapping goat's cheese for ordinary cheese. You can get blocks of hard goat's cheese at Tescos, and the taste is similar to cheddar. It still has casein, but much less. Oat milk is pretty good in coffee, probably works OK in milkshakes too.

I use buckwheat pasta (gf), and had no trouble smuggling that past the DSCs!

Although dietary stuff is important, cutting out goats cheese or whatever really won't stop her smelling of BO which is caused by bacteria from not showering ..

DD was similar. At 13 she will admit she now smells, still needs to be chased into the shower, she smells less than she did a year ago though, I assume hormones are calming down.
I can recommend this stuff though especially if you struggle to get her to put deodorant every day.

Does she understand the concept of non-optional social conventions? I know it's been popularised by the the big bang theory but it's something we used with my ND brother well before that.

He had a list of thing non optional social conventions he had to abide by as a citizen. Washing every other day was one of them. No other reasoning worked, but that did.

I think it needs to be removed from the social aspect - she’s been told others won’t like it and she doesn’t care.

It needs to be reframed as a house rule type of thing. So rather than ‘you need to wash or other kids will pick on you/won’t like it’ it needs to be ‘you need to go and have a shower before watching television/playing this game etc.’ Having a wash every day and not smelling bad needs to be just one of those things everyone does.

Can you start with using a flannel at a basin?
Or maybe a bath bomb in the bath?
Not sure what else to suggest really. Is there a book you could get?

Sorry, candlelight OT = Occupational Therapist.

We've only managed to get a diagnosis recently, so our first appointment isn't until next month but after diagnosis we were automatically referred to OT and sent a form which had lots of questions about how she manages personal care, mobility, organisation, social interactions etc. and the OT will work with her to find solutions and make managing her condition easier.

@KimchiJjigae ohhh we haven't been referred to one of those (it was a while ago) having said that DM put up enough of a hooharr that she may have declined it on principle and not told DH.

As I said messy.

@Larryyourwaiter this is going in my basket thank you !

@Kanaloa so this is unfortunately the sticking point which is we do it when we have her but it's like pulling teeth. If she was here full time I have no doubt she would fall into the rhyme, at the moment we get mum doesn't make me do this (I have 0 idea if this is true DSD is lovely but prone to lying, my friends don't have to do this (see above) and it seems to me like because the base line expection was never set at a young age she sees this more as a barrier to doing what she wants opposed to one of those things. I got the smart answer of "why would I do that when I'm playing on x now so actually reducing my playing time" and my personal favourite, "I can't smell anything so there's something wrong with you" 😩
Her mums disinterested or disengagement has really made this worse.

@JunoMcDuff I might actually start getting her into Big Bang theory. I get the feeling she's never really seen someone on tv similar to her and feels a bit lost in the mainstream. I do highly suspect that she will end up agreeing with sheldon and miss a few of the jokes through agreeing with him. My problem is that we can enforce it here but for it to stick with DSD it has to be a pattern in both houses. Which it's not and I'm not sure what we can do about the other side of the fence.

@PingedPotato see we bought a bath bomb but I'm practice DSD said it looked weird and didn't agree with the texture when it hit the water. Any books Chuck my way - I'm humble enough to know when I'm completely my depth and I am completely out of my depth.

Btw thank you all for sharing with me your stories, I know this more a teen thing than anything else but the added element of my DSD not being quite like everyone else makes being a stepmom that just little bit more hideous to navigate along with a DM who seems to just stick head in sand .As usually I can see the logic even if not logical to me but I am stumped.

I have spoken to DH and he's said that we need to sit down and outline very specifically step by step of what we expect and what will happen if those steps aren't met with direct consequences on the wall for DSD to see. It feels a bit dramatic but I don't think she's putting two and two together. She's got the concept of two houses two rules before and I'm probably being a bit soft. He's gonna have it out with DM. God help me.

It seems to me that the 'other people' argument re school etc isn't working.

Maybe the most direct thing is to say, 'Well it bothers us.' We are in this house together and it is more pleasant for us to eat meals, go out, watch TV as a family if your clothes are clean and your body is clean.

Also else in your household is a bit more vocal eg, 'Now I'm going for a shower because I've just got in from work. Now, I'm going to have a quick wash and get changed,' then it's much more about 'This is our routine in this house.'

My only other thought is about clothing. Some kinds of garments - eg synthetics are more 'sweaty' than others. School uniform shirts for example. So depending on when your stepdaughter is with you, there could be changes of clothing.

Maybe going more for buying some kinds of suitable clothing ideally in natural fibres - might be a way to go.

Not much else to add but just wanted to say you sound like a really nice and thoughtful stepmum OP