Ex wife, blended family, new baby

[candlelightsatdawn]

Hi all

This is follow on from my previous thread re current situation. Part of blended family, SD11 Dd3 and expecting baby (catch is baby is going to be very poorly on birth - see previous thread)

I have and DH always had a good relationship with this ex wife. Until last week when it's gone slightly bang. The bones of it are, she's unhappy about new baby and has shared she expected DH to keep DSD a only child and now the baby is looking like it might actually get here alive (admittedly with a few surgery's post birth) she's decided to share how she feels. He did ask why she had seemed happy when we told her and she said well it didn't seem like baby would make it and she's had sometime to think about it and feels that DSD is going to be pushed out, as life as a only child is best for DSD (mums a only child if helpful). It doesn't matter about my DD living here as she "doesn't count" but has started saying that even that's unfair on DSD as it's clear my DD has a better "lifestyle" than DSD 🙃 and asking that my wage should be taken into account and maintaince been upped to make it fair 😵‍💫

Contact has now been threatened as she feels like DH should have thought about this but admitted she knew DH wanted more kids but never thought he would go through with it. She's also not happy about the isolation period we will have to do when baby is here due to the nature of what will happen upon birth and that Covid is made up by government and hospitals are in on it (I wish I was kidding but the term sheeple was used and these are gentler versions of what she said word for word).

It doesn't help that my due date is DSD birthday which I'm praying like mad we can push the c section back until after, if I get to that point.

Can any mums and step mums wade in here and give me your experiences thoughts on how you handled birth of a new child or would feel about it if ex had another baby.

I don't want this turning into a Covid post, she's entitled to her opinions and I'm entitled to mine. We will follow what the consultant says re isolation at the time and that will be it for both DD and DSD.I'm not debating or getting into proving to the internet at large why my consultant has said what he's said re baby. I don't have the time or the mental space and have to defer to doctors who are trained and god hope know what they are doing.

I want to try and see it from her perspective. DSD is completely understanding isolation period and doesn't agree with her mums approach to Covid and is excited about new baby and finally having a sibling (she's been asking for a long long while).

However under all this is real emotions and the only way to try and dissolve this situation is by hearing the other side. If it's not DSD driving this what is it ?

DSD is not neotypical and therefore would happily tell me if she wasn't happy in any way, as the world to her is black and white. However kids can change their minds and DM has essentially said well that's you replaced (to which im horrified)

Share your experiences please ?

Also DH is on board but im also aware Disney dad guilt is a real thing and this situation has been a lot. Both of us are breaking point due to the nature of things.

I think you’ve got enough on your plate and any time spent trying to understand this woman could be better used on pretty much anything else.

I’m not sure if when writing your post you could see how utterly horrendous most of this is.

He did ask why she had seemed happy when we told her and she said well it didn't seem like baby would make it Beyond cruel, heartless, selfish, bordering on evil

life as a only child is best for DSD when she split with your DH she knew she couldn’t control that so it’s literally fuck all to do with her. She’s responsible for her decisions and obviously gets no say in his. It doesn’t matter what she thinks. Her child has two equal parents. If she wasn’t up for that she should have used a sperm donor.

asking that my wage should be taken into account and maintaince been upped to make it fair her DD already benefits from your income as I’m sure it offers her a better life when she’s with her dad. Beyond that fuck off. Ridiculous. Don’t entertain it for a second.

I don't want this turning into a Covid post, she's entitled to her opinions and I'm entitled to mine that’s nice of you but she’s an idiot so her opinion is irrelevant

It doesn't help that my due date is DSD birthday which I'm praying like mad we can push the c section back until after, if I get to that point. I’m sure you didn’t plan it that way and you have to do what’s best for your baby and yourself. Trust your medical team and nothing else matters right now

I want to try and see it from her perspective you can’t reason with stupid, selfish, entitled, toxic insanity. So don’t bother.

She’d be happier if your baby/her DD’s half sibling died. That’s what’s going on. So don’t even try and get inside her head because it’s a dark nasty place.

I can hear how desperately painful and difficult everything is for you and my heart goes out to you. I don’t think trying to understand her is a good use of your limited energy. You need to pull back, spend time with your DD, rest, nourish and nurture yourself, surround yourself and your baby with peace and calm and comfort and try to push any negativity and nastiness aside. Your husband has been dealing with his ex far longer than you have and he can handle her. You have more important things to focus on. Don’t get dragged into any of it. I know he’s struggling too but his ex and his daughter are his responsibility. Yours are your daughter, your own physical and mental health and keeping things as positive and stable as possible around your pregnancy and your baby.

Sending you every possible wish for you and your precious little one.

Agree with pp. Sending best wishes for you and your wee baby

Agree with everything @AnneLovesGilbert has said

Sending you so much love OP

The only thing your DH needs to do is go to court if she follows through with stopping contact.

Beyond that don't give her any headspace that goes for DH too. Lots of emotional support for DSD and no Disney Dad.

“He did ask why she had seemed happy when we told her and she said well it didn't seem like baby would make it”

Agree that this is absolutely shocking and to admit it to the child’s father is utterly cruel. Sorry you have had to deal with such a callous attitude.

I'm so glad to read things are looking more hopeful for your little baby now
I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert - this deranged woman's mind is not something I'd ever want to be able to understand. She'd honestly rather her child went through the upset of her sibling not making it? Nah, don't bother trying to get inside that head.
My DSDs mum went through a difficult phase when I was pregnant and when DS was a baby. It was like a toddler throwing a strop. I think it's a combination of diminished status (not the only Mother of His Child anymore) and worry about her child being seen as the outgoing older model. DH just pressed on and when she saw that her DD was excited and loved her brother, and contact and maintenance carried on unchanged, she had no choice but to calm the fuck down as nobody was affecting her child negatively apart from her.
I understand your DSD is a bit older and is supportive of you and her dad so just carry on doing what you're doing. Haters gonna hate and all that, but you and the people who matter will be alright.

@AnneLovesGilbert this made me a bit emotional reading your lovely comments.

I feel like the world has gone mad and I'm in it going this doesn't feel right. DH is trying but I think the ex's words have wobbled him a tad, certainly made me feel like I'm some how a monster.

The money thing really blew my brains, I pay for DSD to regularly go horse riding because I also like it (when not prego).

I feel like I'm being unreasonable because I not putting DSD at centre of our world. Naturally the ex blames me, and is working on hitting that guilt button nice and early and it's giving me the ick tbh

@Youseethethingis

I'm so glad to read things are looking more hopeful for your little baby now I agree with *@AnneLovesGilbert* - this deranged woman's mind is not something I'd ever want to be able to understand. She'd honestly rather her child went through the upset of her sibling not making it? Nah, don't bother trying to get inside that head. My DSDs mum went through a difficult phase when I was pregnant and when DS was a baby. It was like a toddler throwing a strop. I think it's a combination of diminished status (not the only Mother of His Child anymore) and worry about her child being seen as the outgoing older model. DH just pressed on and when she saw that her DD was excited and loved her brother, and contact and maintenance carried on unchanged, she had no choice but to calm the fuck down as nobody was affecting her child negatively apart from her. I understand your DSD is a bit older and is supportive of you and her dad so just carry on doing what you're doing. Haters gonna hate and all that, but you and the people who matter will be alright.

When did the strop end ? I'm really quite worried she's gonna start messing with DSD and impact her thoughts . I think the world of my DSD but my god sometimes she really does act like a only child and has to be reminded (which she usually takes very gracefully). It's not because she's a bad kid but because everyone has always seemed to treat her with some type of god. DH has his bouts of it but I'm also worried he will revert back.

There have been questions on can I request certain dates for c section and I'm like erm I don't think that's how it works ?

I think ?

Wow she’s a delight! I vote ignore and don’t engage. She is totally vile and grim. Focus on the yourselves and the baby, don’t give her rants and headspace. We all have thoughts and opinions but they don’t need to be said or repeated. I wouldn’t dream of contacting my ex and his wife with a similar spiel

I especially wouldn’t discuss c-section dates. It’s a medical procedure, not getting your roots done or a dinner reservation. Just tell ex to tell her it’s your medical teams decision

Yeesh, completely agree with everything else that's been said, she's utterly unreasonable, nasty, and I wouldn't waste ANY of your time trying to rationalise her words, much less feeling in any way guilty. She should be ashamed of herself, frankly.

I remember your previous threads and it really seems like you are adding a great deal of stress to your situation being concerned about this. You shouldn't, at all. You've done nothing wrong by DSD, be kind to yourself and don't waste any more of your energy being worried that just because somebody is complaining, they are actually right.

@NorthSouthcatlady what's even more barking is she's absolutely never acted like this before ever. She's always been reasonable.

And bump we are bang here. His sister is pretty sure that she's a bit jealous that's DSD sounds happy about it and maybe a bit of regret over keeping her a only child.

DH said maybe she's having a bad week but it feels mad for this all to kick off now of all the times

She is horrible. I would just have as little to do with her as I possibly could. There is no going back from her cruel statements.

Oh bless you, she sounds very bitter, I can’t think why she would be so hateful towards an unborn baby unless it’s pure spite and jealousy.
Regardless though it’s not up to you, it’s up to your partner to have a word with her.
He needs to tell her to not use dsd as a weapon because she doesn’t like the situation, if she insists then it would be in and out of court in your favour so quickly.
Also tell her she needs to get used it, I’d personally tell her you’re planning to have at least 3 more kids anyway. But then I might be a bit mean lol

The problem with really dysfunctional people is they can be so convincingly insane they make you question yourself. That’s normal.

You’re not in the wrong. You haven’t done anything to DSD or her mother. You’re not a monster. You’re a good person.

You’re a woman who’s currently in an extremely stressful, worrying place facing difficulties most people never have to consider. And on top of that you’re trying to understand, sympathise with and placate a person who seems to actively wish you harm.

The only response to that is to step well back and put your fingers in your ears.

Can you ask DH to limit what he shares with you on a strictly need to know basis? It’s up to him how much of her ranting he entertains. It’s up to you to tell him it’s not helping your current state of mind and he really needs to respect that.

DSD knows she’s loved and cherished by you and her dad. She’s excited about her new sibling. I can’t see it going well for her mum if she tries to dick around with contact. But again, it’s not for you to worry about right now.

Get a mantra that works for you, something simple you can bring to mind when you need it. Even “I’m calm and relaxed and living in the moment” or something like that to calm your breathing and centre you.

@Mymapuddlington

Oh bless you, she sounds very bitter, I can’t think why she would be so hateful towards an unborn baby unless it’s pure spite and jealousy. Regardless though it’s not up to you, it’s up to your partner to have a word with her. He needs to tell her to not use dsd as a weapon because she doesn’t like the situation, if she insists then it would be in and out of court in your favour so quickly. Also tell her she needs to get used it, I’d personally tell her you’re planning to have at least 3 more kids anyway. But then I might be a bit mean lol

Honestly the situation has been so bad. I wouldn't contemplate another one.

This baby is causing a really fuss. If I had know truthfully I wouldn't have even had this one. I feel awful saying that but it's so true, I imagined teething problems, I imagined emotions. I didn't expect 3rd circle of hell.

@sofa your totally right ! I actually stupidly thought hurrah drama is done. No it would appear not

She is an absolutely knob. I don't know anyone so bitter and evil who would be happy to learn anyone's baby will be very ill or may not make it. From that POV I say fuck her. Fuck her and everything she stands for. Do not pander to this idiot woman. You've got enough on your plate. Your husband should keep his contact with dsd wherever possible around isolations which I can understand is really important.

Let your husband deal with her and ask him to not tell you anything else that comes out of her mouth. You don't need it.

Oh my god, I never thought I'd read such a horrendous post! Firstly, I'm so sorry that your pregnancy is at risk, that is a real burden to deal with daily, especially with a looney-toon ex wife in the background. 💕
We'll call her Cruella because she is an absolute batshit crazy evil woman. Who in the right mind would think & be content at the prospect of a baby not surviving birth?!
I'm an only child & I have no kids (didn't want & then had a hysterectomy due to ill health) At no stage of my life have I thought as Cruella has! That her DD will be pushed out & she should remain an only child. It's absurd & evil.
In relation to child support, she can go swivel. No-one is going to take your earnings into consideration for DSD. Again, Cruella is tripping..
And covid is a real virus & as individuals we take a different stance on how to protect ourselves. Any 'normal' person can see that the predicament you're in with your pregnancy, that you're going to want to 'bubble'. It stands to reason.
Cruella needs to see a therapist
*Mindblown

@candlelightsatdawn you and dp have an extremely emotionally charged birth ahead of you. Please talk to your dp and tell him you're worried about the Disney dadding. Please talk to him and tell him how overwhelmed you are and what you need from him to make it better.

Personally I would need to be looked after by dp and not have any dramas going on. I'd need dp to say that he dgaf about what she's saying and he will go to court if she messes about with access rather than pander. I'd need to be filling my own cup as much as possible to give myself resilience against the birth and hormones (let alone what you've got going on).

Please place yourself first in this. She's a vile woman who should be ashamed of herself. She doesn't deserve the level of support and thinking space you are giving her.

I really do wish you all the best and hope everything works out.

@AnneLovesGilbert i will be honest here. DH has a complete and utter blind spot re DSD and DM. I have no idea why tbh guilt ?

It took a while for me to point out that DSD has certain needs that need to be met, and actually needs to go psychotherapist, not because there is something wrong with her because she is clearly isn't nerotypical (wasn't diagnosed at the time) and that's ok and there's no shame in getting her help, to help her develop and function in society that won't accept some of the really odd behaviours that everyone was ignoring. And he pushed with DM and it did help DSD a lot. She's happier .

But it should have happened way long ago. That was his and DM failing equally, they should have helped her before hand and no matter DM protestations he should have taken matters into his own hands.

If he doesn't talk about it I worry he will start drinking the cool aid too, they all seemed to have forgotten that they all could have said something and collectively didn't and now are like see DH you didn't see so your xzy . Which means I probably also have a DH again. If we were in a better headspace he could see clearly but I fear we are both going slightly deranged.

The guilt just keeps being lumped on, but it's her birthday who could you do that.

Gahhhhhh

DH problem again ** ffs

Just ignore her. Completely ignore her. If she's telling your dh all this shit I would be inclined to tell him to block her, give her an email address which is only used to communicate with her re dsd. He can then easily ignore anything not directly related to the care of dsd. She doesn't get an opinion on this. It has fuck all to do with her. You have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to feel guilty about.

I don't have much to add to the excellent posts already, particularly the very first one from AnneLovesGilbert, but I did just want to address this:

There have been questions on can I request certain dates for c section and I'm like erm I don't think that's how it works ?

You most certainly can request a change of a day or two. My c-section with DC2 was scheduled for the day of a particularly painful anniversary for both DH and I, so I asked if it could be 1 day earlier or 1 day later. No problem. DC2 was also quite seriously ill (though not as poorly as it sounds your little one might be) and we knew faced many weeks in SCBU but 1 day wasn't going to make a significant difference to that.

With the proviso, of course, that you should only request a change of day if YOU want one.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro ❤️ I think DH approaching it from a we want to her on board from a isolation period perspective, also really so DSD doesn't get it in the neck.

He seems to think we can all play nice. I don't even know where to start re the courts given her age either. Nothing official in place because there's never been a need before this. The cost I imagine is something else as because of my wage alone (it's high) we wouldn't be entitled to help.

@thing47 this is helpful actually! We do need to avoid the actual day itself mainly so it's not weaponised or frankly so we don't have to do joint party's which she will be leading the charge on I'm sure 🙄