Ex wife, blended family, new baby

[candlelightsatdawn]

Hi all

This is follow on from my previous thread re current situation. Part of blended family, SD11 Dd3 and expecting baby (catch is baby is going to be very poorly on birth - see previous thread)

I have and DH always had a good relationship with this ex wife. Until last week when it's gone slightly bang. The bones of it are, she's unhappy about new baby and has shared she expected DH to keep DSD a only child and now the baby is looking like it might actually get here alive (admittedly with a few surgery's post birth) she's decided to share how she feels. He did ask why she had seemed happy when we told her and she said well it didn't seem like baby would make it and she's had sometime to think about it and feels that DSD is going to be pushed out, as life as a only child is best for DSD (mums a only child if helpful). It doesn't matter about my DD living here as she "doesn't count" but has started saying that even that's unfair on DSD as it's clear my DD has a better "lifestyle" than DSD 🙃 and asking that my wage should be taken into account and maintaince been upped to make it fair 😵‍💫

Contact has now been threatened as she feels like DH should have thought about this but admitted she knew DH wanted more kids but never thought he would go through with it. She's also not happy about the isolation period we will have to do when baby is here due to the nature of what will happen upon birth and that Covid is made up by government and hospitals are in on it (I wish I was kidding but the term sheeple was used and these are gentler versions of what she said word for word).

It doesn't help that my due date is DSD birthday which I'm praying like mad we can push the c section back until after, if I get to that point.

Can any mums and step mums wade in here and give me your experiences thoughts on how you handled birth of a new child or would feel about it if ex had another baby.

I don't want this turning into a Covid post, she's entitled to her opinions and I'm entitled to mine. We will follow what the consultant says re isolation at the time and that will be it for both DD and DSD.I'm not debating or getting into proving to the internet at large why my consultant has said what he's said re baby. I don't have the time or the mental space and have to defer to doctors who are trained and god hope know what they are doing.

I want to try and see it from her perspective. DSD is completely understanding isolation period and doesn't agree with her mums approach to Covid and is excited about new baby and finally having a sibling (she's been asking for a long long while).

However under all this is real emotions and the only way to try and dissolve this situation is by hearing the other side. If it's not DSD driving this what is it ?

DSD is not neotypical and therefore would happily tell me if she wasn't happy in any way, as the world to her is black and white. However kids can change their minds and DM has essentially said well that's you replaced (to which im horrified)

Share your experiences please ?

Also DH is on board but im also aware Disney dad guilt is a real thing and this situation has been a lot. Both of us are breaking point due to the nature of things.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Getyourarseofffthequattro ❤️ I think DH approaching it from a we want to her on board from a isolation period perspective, also really so DSD doesn't get it in the neck.

He seems to think we can all play nice. I don't even know where to start re the courts given her age either. Nothing official in place because there's never been a need before this. The cost I imagine is something else as because of my wage alone (it's high) we wouldn't be entitled to help. [/quote]
I think the issue is that you can't play nice with people like this. He's been reasonable with her but then she says vile things back? It needs to be formal and about access only. This baby is none of her business at all.

If this didn't solidify my whole - there's no way you can know what stepparenting is like until your here. Nothing else would. Anyone that ever trips that sentence "you knew what you were getting into" out to me will be burnt alive.

Never ever could I have predicted this. I have said to DH no more kids partly down to the mum but also partly down to him because frankly a small part of me is holding him accountable for this women having so much influence and unhappiness in this pregnancy and with wider children.

@candlelightsatdawn it’s not often I’m shocked and lost for words, but her behaviour is horrendous.

At best, she’s a panicked mother worried about her own child’s feelings and is handling her feelings of jealousy and resentment extremely poorly (I’m being very generous here).

BUT to admit she’s upset your baby may live. Fuck me. I have no words for that kind of cruel, vile thinking… and it’s even more shocking that she verbalised it to the child’s parent!!!

A wise person once said to me “You can’t reason with the unreasonable”.

You are doing nothing wrong, you’re in an awful situation where you should 100% put yourself and unborn baby’s well being as top priority. Your SD and her mother are not the priority right now which is why the ex is kicking off.
Tough shit, she needs to get over herself.

Keep making sure your SD and your own DD don’t feel pushed out, and that’s all you need to do. You sound like you’re being very caring and kind so ignore his ex.

You both need to grey rock her unless it’s about contact times / directly related to something urgent to do with SD.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope both you and your baby are ok

Who gives a flying fuck what his ex thinks of your decision to have children, it's absolutely none of her business, why does DH even have these discussions with her? Keep contact to an absolute minimum and let DH know whatever batshit crazy stuff she's coming out with now you don't want to know xx

I think maybe we're looking at this entirely through the wrong eyes. @candlelightsatdawn... You have said that your SD has always seemed happy and has never expressed anything otherwise. You say that she is very black and white and you seem confident that if she was not happy, you'd hear about it.

I don't think that this is about your SD at all. I think that this is all about EXW and HER feelings of displacement.
Perhaps the EXW is using SD as an excuse to project her OWN feelings about the impending birth of your baby. Perhaps she's recognising that you are really a permanent fixture in DH's life and she is finally realising that SHE is the one being replaced. Her comment about your baby's life expectancy doesn't necessarily reflect bitterness to me, but more absolute disconnectedness. I think she's potentially not NT herself, or even possibly BPD or EUPD.
You said that up until now she had always SEEMED rational.... I think some people are really good at projecting the image they need you to see. You don't really know the workings of their inner world. She may have been fostering a fantasy where she and ex got back together and lived happily ever after with SD. That bubble has finally burst.
I think you need to have a serious chat with DH and consider SS or GP involvement. If EXW's boundaries are this screwed and SD is being brought up with this kind of language, it is actually very concerning.

@Justilou1 disconnected it the word that sprung out here actually when he said about it, it was a very almost flippant comment . I have been trying to put my finger on it but for the life of me because it's been niggling away at me like you wouldn't believe but that word is spot on. Your probably right even though she's moved on, it feels territorial.

It's also in the back of mind mind that potentially that DH knows some of this too, or senses it in a way I don't understand. I suspect that's why he's trying to make peace, knowing it will cause hurt not the DSD but to mum.

It's giving me the ick because the more I think about it, the more I think actually I'm getting bit cross at DH. These lines should have been established a long time ago. As a human I do want to not rub salt in the hurt naturally. However I am a mother first.

Re her language in relation to DSD all I can say is I don't like to comment or judge anyone but my god it worries me if I ever left DH. Broken people create more broken people.

I agree it sounds territorial jealousy.

@candlelightsatdawn it would be so easy to place this all on your dp and hold that resentment. But that won't make you happier. The both of you are in horrible positions and placing fault won't help. Your feelings are unmet needs. Drill down in your head about what you need to get your needs met and go to DP with that. He needs to meet your needs and not his exes. He needs better boundaries and someone that isn't you to offload his stress on to - like a trained counsellor who can help him not take the exes projection and guilt on.

@candlelightsatdawn -
I have to stress that I am quite concerned about this child for a couple of reasons. One is because I am studying nursing. I will point out that I am a student and do not know much at all. I have a little experience with MH, and your description of the EXW's behaviour concerns me, and in turn, I am also concerned by the placatory behaviour of DH towards her. (Do you think he is a little afraid of her/setting her off?)

The other reason I am concerned for her is because her mother's disconnection disturbs me immensely. If SD displeases EXW there is potential for her to be abusive. (Physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc) If SD is not NT, EXW is probably very skilful about ensuring that nobody ever finds out. Please watch out for comments from SD like "I'm so clumsy", "I always lose my things', etc. If EXW claims that SD has given herself a haircut, gently double-check that this is true, and EXW hasn't hacked into it herself in an attempt to create a humiliating attention-seeking scenario, etc. Double-check any drama.

I agree that it would be easy to hurl the blame at DP, but I suspect that a lot of this is absolute lack of awareness. You and he need to see a counsellor and discuss this as a united front, with newly opened eyes. Work as a team and you can achieve so much more. If he feels he's got you on his side, maybe he won't be so terrified of her and will be able to see her more clearly too.

Broken people create more broken people.

That’s really not fair.

Fwiw should you ever need a contact agreement in place at 11 her thoughts and feelings would be considered a lot more than her parents.

@Clementineapples

Broken people create more broken people.

That’s really not fair.

Fwiw should you ever need a contact agreement in place at 11 her thoughts and feelings would be considered a lot more than her parents.

Please do expand on your comment about it being not fair ?

Have you read any of the thread ? Like at all ? 😵‍💫

Trying to be kind to ex here, I think she's genuinely worried that dsd will be pushed to the margins following the birth of your new baby, whilst it may have happened anyway, the health issues have probably compounded her feelings that all your time will be sucked into dealing with a poorly infant. I'm trying to put myself into her shoes.

I admit I found it hard when exh had a relationship with a woman with a child as he was playing happy families in a way he never did with his own kids, it doesn't apply in reverse as my dp's kids are grown up.

On the surface it seems exw is being very unreasonable but I think it comes out of concern for what's best for her dd. Dsd you say isn't neurotypical which probably adds to the anxiety. And the necessary isolation compounds it all, dsd has to not see her dad because of the baby. If your consultant can at least avoid dsds birthday by 2 days it would be a good thing if at all possible

@Justilou1 he's a little more afraid of setting her off I fear because it will come back on DSD. But you have raised some really valid points. I will keep a eye !

Does any of that make what she said okay @gogohm?

@gogohm we will try re birthday. It's bringing me out in cold sweats tbh.

I expected feelings I really can get that. But it's odd that at the turning point medically speaking, it's all arisen.

Thank you for sharing btw ❤️❤️❤️

@SnowWhitesSM speaking of he's got a appointment next week so I imagine hopefully he will offload there.

I certainly can't take anymore (let alone in a place to offer unbiased advice)

My DSDs mum seemed to feel threatened when we had DC together; it seemed like it was ok when I was just the partner as she felt she was in a strong position as his DCs mum but then when I became both his DCs mum and his partner I somehow threatened her position so she made contact difficult, said some very unhelpful things and generally made what was a stressful time (due to my baby being unwell) even worse.
Personally for my own well-being I had to switch off from it and decide that what she wanted to do was up to her and we would do all the right things when we saw DSD but we couldn’t control what her mum did when she was at home with her. It still flares up on DCs birthdays and times like that but again I just do my best to protect my DC and undo the damage when we see DSD. As a strategy it’s not the best but there is no changing DSDs mum.

On the surface it seems exw is being very unreasonable

It does doesn’t it. She literally told her ex she was okay with his wife being pregnant because she thought there’d be no baby. She would rather her daughter’s half sibling died than lived because at least she’d still be an only child.

You can tie yourself in knots trying to minimise that behaviour but you won’t get far.

OP, wishing you all the best for your new baby, with all my heart.

In the end it is for your DH to manage his child and communication with ex.

But it is important not to underestimate the potential impact on your Dsd, and how strongly her Mum feels about it.

From your DSD’s POV she already has a step sister that her Daddy lives with full time. Daddy spends more time living with step sister than with her.

Now she is expecting a half sibling…. to whom her Daddy will be a f/t Daddy. And that step sibling will be living with both parents. Of all these children, she is the only one who is a part time (minority time) with her Daddy.

Blended families are not all bakers of happy puppies. Your DSD is at that awkward age of growing out of being a small child, approaching adolescence, possibly feeling awkward and emotional in themselves anyway.

I think her mother’s concern has validity and your DH should talk with her about ways to ensure ongoing security for their Dd.

Your section date isn't going to be in your hands. If your baby is so poorly, it's likely to be earlier than later and will be booked in when the specialist who may be needed quickly are available.

Even you will be way down the list of people to check the date with, so I wouldn't give anymore thought to that one.

I also wouldn't give the ex any more headspace. Right now your dsd is happy, even if her mum gets in her head, time will prove that there is room for everyone in your family.

I'm so happy to read things are looking more hopeful for your baby.

I'm crossing fingers, toes and anything else that can bend for your baby, @candlelightsatdawn.

It does all sound like a nightmare you want to wake up from. Will second the opinion that the ex has neurodisability of her own. No filters, total self-absorption, and a complete lack of understanding how her words land.

It's not just exes. SIL calmly told me she was glad I didn't have children because then her children would continue to get big presents from me... (It's not personal at all, I've watched other benefactors of her opinions literally turn white and their jaws drop, as surely nobody, and I mean nobody, would come out with stuff like that.)

The 'include your salary' bit is pure CF. I'm sure you pay for a bigger house than you'd need for yourself to give DSD a pleasant room etc. Your ex could just about cope with you being a high earning partner, but adding a baby in maybe makes her feel you are now 'the best wife' and her status shrinks. If she can bully you to be someone she gets to pay her bills and childmind for her, she climbs back up the status ladder.

And trying to change the date you give birth????? Woah, Gilead.

Your ->Your DH's

@EdgeOfTheSky

From your DSD’s POV she already has a step sister that her Daddy lives with full time. Daddy spends more time living with step sister than with her.

Just to be really clear my DD isn't here full time as my ex has half the time. DSD is here also here half time but on different schedule . So when babies here yes baby will be here full time yes she will be part time as will be DC. However my ex (no matter how badly he treated me while pregnant and it causing break up) hasn't acted like this. Not even slightly.

I can get why she's feeling how she's feeling but I'm not sure what part of her comments are valid in your eyes, her concerns we will push her out (because I haven't done that ever so not sure why this will effect things, or it's now valid and she has a right to be only fussed since baby has a chance to live ?

But your right I suspect that divorce and the break up of her family probably didn't make for a happy puppy. However that is aside from me as I didn't cause that.

In terms of DSD and court, the status quo is long standing and if you have evidence of what she said, make screenshots etc now.

Self repping is simple enough and at worst you could get a direct access barrister if needed.

I haven’t been a step Mum for a while now, and my DDs don’t have a step Mum - ExDP has been single for a long time - if he wants more children (we have 2), then he can fucking well have more children if he wants. I’d probably have to restrain my excitement if he did Simply because I won’t be having more, my siblings don’t/won’t be having DC and I’m one those that swoons at all brand new tiny human life.

I can’t imagine saying the things his ex has. It’s made me feel a little ill to read that. It must be exhausting to be her, she clearly has some fucking deep seated issues.

@SpaceshiptoMars

I'm crossing fingers, toes and anything else that can bend for your baby, *@candlelightsatdawn*.

It does all sound like a nightmare you want to wake up from. Will second the opinion that the ex has neurodisability of her own. No filters, total self-absorption, and a complete lack of understanding how her words land.

It's not just exes. SIL calmly told me she was glad I didn't have children because then her children would continue to get big presents from me... (It's not personal at all, I've watched other benefactors of her opinions literally turn white and their jaws drop, as surely nobody, and I mean nobody, would come out with stuff like that.)

The 'include your salary' bit is pure CF. I'm sure you pay for a bigger house than you'd need for yourself to give DSD a pleasant room etc. Your ex could just about cope with you being a high earning partner, but adding a baby in maybe makes her feel you are now 'the best wife' and her status shrinks. If she can bully you to be someone she gets to pay her bills and childmind for her, she climbs back up the status ladder.

And trying to change the date you give birth????? Woah, Gilead.

Home birth was suggest as a option by ex. Since we are trying to avoid "Covid" but obviously had to say well we are in hospital for a reason and babies health stays upon birth. We have had some weird debates re Covid with her tbh. Like I want to be going to hospital and baby having operations.

Personally you think me making sure that her DSD has a good standard of living and a expensive hobby she can partake in would be enough. I don't wanna play the game of best wife the chips fell how they fell in our lifestyles. I chose to work, she chooses not to, I don't hold that against her so I foolishly hoped she wouldn't hold me working against me. Thankfully I do know she can't do this but doesn't mean she can't try play that card.