Ex wife, blended family, new baby

[candlelightsatdawn]

Hi all

This is follow on from my previous thread re current situation. Part of blended family, SD11 Dd3 and expecting baby (catch is baby is going to be very poorly on birth - see previous thread)

I have and DH always had a good relationship with this ex wife. Until last week when it's gone slightly bang. The bones of it are, she's unhappy about new baby and has shared she expected DH to keep DSD a only child and now the baby is looking like it might actually get here alive (admittedly with a few surgery's post birth) she's decided to share how she feels. He did ask why she had seemed happy when we told her and she said well it didn't seem like baby would make it and she's had sometime to think about it and feels that DSD is going to be pushed out, as life as a only child is best for DSD (mums a only child if helpful). It doesn't matter about my DD living here as she "doesn't count" but has started saying that even that's unfair on DSD as it's clear my DD has a better "lifestyle" than DSD 🙃 and asking that my wage should be taken into account and maintaince been upped to make it fair 😵‍💫

Contact has now been threatened as she feels like DH should have thought about this but admitted she knew DH wanted more kids but never thought he would go through with it. She's also not happy about the isolation period we will have to do when baby is here due to the nature of what will happen upon birth and that Covid is made up by government and hospitals are in on it (I wish I was kidding but the term sheeple was used and these are gentler versions of what she said word for word).

It doesn't help that my due date is DSD birthday which I'm praying like mad we can push the c section back until after, if I get to that point.

Can any mums and step mums wade in here and give me your experiences thoughts on how you handled birth of a new child or would feel about it if ex had another baby.

I don't want this turning into a Covid post, she's entitled to her opinions and I'm entitled to mine. We will follow what the consultant says re isolation at the time and that will be it for both DD and DSD.I'm not debating or getting into proving to the internet at large why my consultant has said what he's said re baby. I don't have the time or the mental space and have to defer to doctors who are trained and god hope know what they are doing.

I want to try and see it from her perspective. DSD is completely understanding isolation period and doesn't agree with her mums approach to Covid and is excited about new baby and finally having a sibling (she's been asking for a long long while).

However under all this is real emotions and the only way to try and dissolve this situation is by hearing the other side. If it's not DSD driving this what is it ?

DSD is not neotypical and therefore would happily tell me if she wasn't happy in any way, as the world to her is black and white. However kids can change their minds and DM has essentially said well that's you replaced (to which im horrified)

Share your experiences please ?

Also DH is on board but im also aware Disney dad guilt is a real thing and this situation has been a lot. Both of us are breaking point due to the nature of things.

Oh my goodness me. You poor thing having all that to deal with. I think the first post from @AnneLovesGilbert says what I was thinking only better than I could ever write. I just wanted to let you know I wish you all the best xxx

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@thing47 this is helpful actually! We do need to avoid the actual day itself mainly so it's not weaponised or frankly so we don't have to do joint party's which she will be leading the charge on I'm sure 🙄[/quote]
I had a similar situation with the birthday luckily (well not really luckily but hopefully you know what I mean) baby had to come out earlier than anticipated.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I don't even have words for what his ex-wife said. I can't imagine thinking it would be better my child's sibling died than her not being an only child anymore. Completely unforgivable.

If I were you I'd tell DH to not tell you any more of her vile comments because no good comes from it. If she has any way of contacting you, I'd make sure she was blocked too.

Do not give this woman any thought. Her feelings thoughts and opinions are not valid in your life. Your DP and her should only be discussing their dd not yours not your birth. As plenty of others have said he needs better boundaries. You both have such a lot on your plate you reallt don't need this with her. Do you need to know what they've discussed I know some people like to know and some would rather not. Maybe discuss to him standard responses he should give about you and the baby ie 'I am not discussing this with you' and make it clear you do not want to hear him asking why she feels the way she does or her nasty comments.

If she stops contact its easy enough to take it back to court (my DP hasn't seen his daughter since July due to our ds being born) we don't have the money for solicitors etc and he can do it himself and just pay the court fees and we have found a direct access barrister at a reasonable rate. He should keep the texts etc. However family courts are massively delayed and despite applying a month ago we still don't even have a date. If they don't already have a child arrangement order in place and the ex is going to start playing silly buggers may be the time for DP to get one in place.

Concentrate on your new baby

Lovely to see so much good advice on this thread.

I was in a similar situation and have a few regrets. With hindsight, the advice I would offer is that it is really upsetting when these things happen but your child being born is one of the most special experiences in life, the ex is just noise that is taking you away from your priorities right now.

Don’t worry about DH being a Disney dad. It will be a problem later but he has also probably struggled with things recently and there is no need to address is in the next few months. When he is feeling better he may even correct it himself.

Anyone with any empathy would be supporting you just focussing on your new baby right now. And then after that your DD. Your DSD has two parents and you, so this is your chance to take a break whilst they step up. But that isn’t your worry.

I hope it all goes well for you.

@candlelightsatdawn - I’m in a different timezone, so I’m back to ask a couple of questions. You said that DH is going to counselling. Does he go by himself or with EXW?
I think it might be smart for you to arrange marriage guidance counselling with him. Most people go to guidance counselling for the wrong reasons, and far too late. This kind of gives it a bad rap, and turns it into a “How to break up without murdering each other” counselling situation. It would be better used much earlier on in a relationship, especially a blended family (esp one with a kooky, unreasonable EXW) to get systems in place where you can be heard, etc…

I have a feeling that you are starting to see that your DH is minimising his EXW’s behaviour and has normalized it for such a long time, that he is actually believing his own hype.
Going to a neutral, third party like a counsellor and talking about this and getting formalized arrangements for DSD will be necessary.
I can foresee much attention-seeking “emergency” calls from EXW when baby is born (or even close to due date). DH is accustomed to reacting immediately. When you are home with baby, your time will be theirs to “babysit”, drive, pick up, etc… Be prepared.

@Justilou1 yes DH goes to therapy alone because I said before we can do joint both our heads need to be on straight.

God no EW thinks therapy for the nutty, kicked up a right fuss when I said look DSD needs some help as she's not doing well and DH took action although it shouldn't have needed me to kick off as badly as I did and low and behold non neurological typical diagnosis for DSD. It wasn't her it per say it was she needed some changes to thrive socially and academically. The EW went mad, absolutely crackers at the suggestion saying that I was insinuating that DSD was nasty word version of saying "mentally disabled" 🙄 to which I pointed out that my DD has a non neurological diagnosis.

I can't imagine wanting to do group therapy with all of us ex wife included. I think I would really be upset then lol

I have to say I'm aghast at just how bad the ex wife is. I think you need to put up some solid boundaries to protect yourself at a really difficult time. You and the baby need to be your focus for now. I'd say the woman is unstable and manipulative. Don't let her destabilise you as that is her main aim.

Wow. Just wow.

@AnneLovesGilbert’s post covers it all. Protect yourself from this diabolical behaviour and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, OP.

@candlelightsatdawn - please note, I was NOT suggesting all three of you. (Cold day in hell!) Just you and DH. You and he need to set up a new, WORKING relationship. He already has one with his EXW, (and because men are really very thick) he will attempt to replicate similar patterns and mistakes with you. Both of them will deliberately and unwittingly take the piss when your baby is born (if the are not already) either by changing or increasing access at short notice and expecting you to take DSD without consultation (as you will be at home with baby anyway) or expect you to make yourself available for lifts, etc. The conversation about increasing maintenance has already happened, for a start.

It would be smart for you to go to a counsellor with DH to begin to set firm boundaries with him, so that both of you can work together as a team to set them with HER. (Otherwise it’s going to feel like both of them vs you when he capitulates to whatever she wants to avoid drama.)

She’s bonkers, but she’s not stupid. She knows how to work him.