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Step-parenting

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My 17 year old step-daughter hates me

72 replies

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 00:56

Hi all. My mental health is destroyed. This is such a long story that will have to be condensed. Pleased feel free to ask further questions. I looked after my step-children for 4 and a half years and have honestly tried my best to be their friends and looked after them as a parent as they lived with me and their father. I encountered regular hostility and put downs from my step-daughter about me and my daughter (she is by no means perfect) and felt so excluded and after 4 years I told my partner that it would be best if we live in our own accommodation as I couldn’t take it anymore. He tried talking to her and communicating with her to no avail and she continued to be hostile and also violent towards my daughter. I wanted to sell our home but my partner decided to ask her to leave and live with her alcoholic mother which I don’t feel was the correct move and within a week he asked her to move back home. She refused and we suggested family therapy of which she refused. On two occasions I returned home to find her at home visiting her brother and she refused to acknowledge me. When asked what she had against me she would refuse to answer and leave. She has been gone nearly a year with no contact. I have messaged her on occasion to attempt talking to me to sort things out but she ignores my messages. She has also started to ignore her father on occasion but he feels extremely guilty of this and starts sending her photos of where he is going to take her on holiday when she ignores him. I feel that this is such a wrong move but he harbours a lot of guilt that he sent her to live with an alcoholic mother, even though it was the view of it being temporary. I argued with him today telling him I felt that he was unbelievable in inviting her on a holiday whilst she ignores him, and that she has to talk to us, however he states he has no control as she is not living with us and that he will attempt to speak to her in July of next year on holiday! Unfortunately it turned into a terrible row because I told him he was pandering and what he was doing was feeding her behaviour. He immediately turned on my and called me a ‘f…ing c…nt’. This tends to happen every 6 months or so, when the pressure of the kids cause us to row. He says I provoke him and he turns into a psychopath shouting at the top of his voice insulting me. I’m not perfect by any means and because this is a repeated behaviour every few months I decided to fight back and called him a psychopath and control freak, as well as a few insults which I acknowledge is so unhealthy. He is actually a great partner at other times but I don’t think I can take anymore rages every few months on top of the hostility I have encountered. I’m not sure whether to move out and concentrate on my mental health and my daughter’s behaviour and well-being.

OP posts:
Winniemarysarah · 28/10/2021 01:02

So you kicked his daughter out of her own home and sent her to live with her alcoholic mother? And you’re surprised that he’s called you a cunt after she stopped talking to him?

SpindleWorl · 28/10/2021 01:09

Start from the beginning.

How long have you known him? How long after that did you move in?

Was your DSD living there already most of the time?

How old is your DD?

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 01:17

No I didn’t. Read my post. I offered to move out myself and offered family therapy for all of us. He asked her to move out and I did NOT agree, This is why I hate posting on these threads, because of awful judgemental posts like yours. I really should have known better.

OP posts:
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 01:22

He was my partner for 6 yesrs. We met with the children regularly and they appeared absolutely fine. The problems seemed to appear as they became adolescents and we moved in. My step daughter is 17. They lived with both their mum and dad as at that point they could not afford separate houses, although they were already divorced and they used to ask if I wanted to visit their home. I did refuse out of respect for the mother.

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CallMeNutribullet · 28/10/2021 01:24

@Winniemarysarah

So you kicked his daughter out of her own home and sent her to live with her alcoholic mother? And you’re surprised that he’s called you a cunt after she stopped talking to him?
Can't you read?
Jerrysgonnabeacableboy · 28/10/2021 01:25

I think your relationship with the step-daughter is too broken and she's unwilling to play a part in fixing it. I feel deeply sorry for her, with an alcoholic mother and a father who did not put her well-being first. Even though you tried your best, she had already been let down by her biological parents, which made her hostile to you, and that wasn't your fault.

You have time to focus on your own daughter and her health now. Do that! Move out and make a different life for the two of you.

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 01:32

Thank you for your response.

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Justilou1 · 28/10/2021 01:37

I suspect his parenting has probably always been an issue, and this girl is too damaged from growing up with that and her alcoholic mother. Obviously he didn’t intervene when behavioural issues began with you and your DD to set boundaries and consequences in a clear and consistent manner. The good news is that I suspect she won’t want to go on holidays with you; the bad news is that I suspect your DH will throw money away trying to bribe her affection. I think you will need to set boundaries about what is acceptable in your own home, ie - whether you feel that she is welcome at all. You mentioned violence against your DD. That would be a line in the sand for me. I would have a blanket rule that DH was entitled to a relationship with her entirely outside of your home and family life. This means that she doesn’t come to your home and if he wants holidays with her, then he goes without you. If he isn’t prepared to address her behaviour and set boundaries, then you should be able to. You should never have been out in the position to be responsible for this.

BurningBright7 · 28/10/2021 01:42

I think it would have gone to shit regardless. I think SD being a kid played up hoping you would leave; it almost went to plan but you put a wrench in it by asking to sell house; the dad then had a knee-jerk reaction where he made a bad decision and asked the child to leave and stay in unsafe location.
Child obviously decided dad loves new family more and had her own knee-jerk emotional reactions.
I think the best thing for you to do is not to “interfere” anymore I.e not give your opinions on pandering etc. if he wants to pander, let him and if he wants to take her on holidays let him. He needs to build a bridge and needs to do it his own way. Good luck with all, it’s a difficult situation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2021 01:43

You are trying to fix a family that doesn't want to be fixed.

Leave, heal yourself.

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 01:51

Thank you. I have since set boundaries that she is not to enter my home without discussing our issues with me first, snd yes we have already agreed that we will take our own kids on holiday separately this year. I acknowledge that best not to interfere after today, the only reason I did give my opinion is because he had asked me this morning for an opinion if he should increase her allowance for college and after doing some sums, I thought he should. I will add that it was just an opinion, he does what he wants as the parent.

OP posts:
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 01:53

Yes, and thank you.

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Justilou1 · 28/10/2021 02:00

And honestly… Calling you a F…C…. ? Not acceptable. I think you and he need some counselling anyway. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings!!!

KloppsTeeth · 28/10/2021 02:09

Has your step daughter had any help from the charity Nacoa?
nacoa.org.uk/

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 06:54

Unfortunately she is refusing help of any kind. She feels that the blame is to lie with us snd therefore refuses to seek help. I already have counselling sessions booked due to my own anxieties. I acknowledge that my partner needs to take responsibility for his anger and I have told him so. Let’s see what happens, he also likes to blame me for provocation when he goes into his rages.

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Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:13

My daughter also received blame for so many things. SD was violent towards her on one occasion because my daughter (DD?) set her alarm clock early and needed it to go off about three times before she could get up. She was asked by the others to let it go off just once and to set it for later. I also asked her if she could at least try but because she couldn’t get herself up without the snooze my SD decided to bang her head against the wall and kick her stomach. It was at this point I said I needed to move out, but DD received the blame for her ‘inconsideration’. I have so many regrets and this is why I’ve booked counselling to try and alleviate anxieties.

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YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 28/10/2021 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:19

It’s so true that there were no boundaries set or consequences for these mixed up children before or after us moving in. I will never forget that they would leave the house from the age of 14 without asking permission or saying where they were going. My partner justified this by saying they would eventually text to say where they were. They’ve had too much freedom and not become answerable.

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 28/10/2021 07:20

Sorry @SpindleWorl I didn’t intend for you, apologies

Justcannotbearsed · 28/10/2021 07:23

This sounds unbearable to live in. Plan to leave. It sounds abusive. I don’t see what you or your daughter are getting out of this.

LublinToDublin · 28/10/2021 07:24

I have no reason to criticise you and your intentions or actions towards your step dc. It sounds like a very complex and unhappy situation. But it sounds to me that the odds were stacked against it working ftom the start.

Looking from dsd's point of view she was 11 when you came on the scene. You say her parents were divorced but still living together. And her mum was on alcoholic. You say dsd wanted you to visit her home but obviously (to you as a sensitive adult) that wasn't possible. But how strange and confusing for an 11 year old?

Presumably her dad only left the family home when he moved in with you (as you say they couldn't afford 2 homes). When she was 13.

TBH the time for family therapy was back then, to help her understand her own family history and breakdown before embarking on a new one.

What's happened since has just compounded the problems. Your dp is flailing around with no clear understanding or strategy. He made a knee jerk reaction to "send" his daughter out of his home (with you and your dc) back to her alcoholic mother. Only to change his mind a week later. And as things have worsened, he takes his anger out on you.

Why would you stay?

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:33

Thank you for you reply. Absolutely spot on. We should have had family therapy then but everyone seemed to be coping ok at the time and getting along with no issues. The issues started to occur over time when the kids started to dislike my DD. I’ve stated in previous posts that she is by no means perfect, she had her faults but because due to the characters that the others also were,it became a toxic environment. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and indeed the therapy should have started sooner. The reason I haven’t moved out as yet is because SD is gone, but it still lives such a bitter taste and uncomfortableness. I partly blame myself as my partner is also grieving but I don’t know if I can stand any more abuse from him because I gave an opinion. Incidentally, he said I belittled him because I called him unbelievable.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 28/10/2021 07:36

I would move out for yours and your Dd sake.

She will wnd up damaged by this too and wonder why she wasn't prioratised.

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:39

Thank you.

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Piggy42 · 28/10/2021 07:45

I would move out with your dd. Sadly I don’t think blended families is usually in the best interests of the dc. Your partner has messed up and is taking it out on you.

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