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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

My 17 year old step-daughter hates me

72 replies

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 00:56

Hi all. My mental health is destroyed. This is such a long story that will have to be condensed. Pleased feel free to ask further questions. I looked after my step-children for 4 and a half years and have honestly tried my best to be their friends and looked after them as a parent as they lived with me and their father. I encountered regular hostility and put downs from my step-daughter about me and my daughter (she is by no means perfect) and felt so excluded and after 4 years I told my partner that it would be best if we live in our own accommodation as I couldn’t take it anymore. He tried talking to her and communicating with her to no avail and she continued to be hostile and also violent towards my daughter. I wanted to sell our home but my partner decided to ask her to leave and live with her alcoholic mother which I don’t feel was the correct move and within a week he asked her to move back home. She refused and we suggested family therapy of which she refused. On two occasions I returned home to find her at home visiting her brother and she refused to acknowledge me. When asked what she had against me she would refuse to answer and leave. She has been gone nearly a year with no contact. I have messaged her on occasion to attempt talking to me to sort things out but she ignores my messages. She has also started to ignore her father on occasion but he feels extremely guilty of this and starts sending her photos of where he is going to take her on holiday when she ignores him. I feel that this is such a wrong move but he harbours a lot of guilt that he sent her to live with an alcoholic mother, even though it was the view of it being temporary. I argued with him today telling him I felt that he was unbelievable in inviting her on a holiday whilst she ignores him, and that she has to talk to us, however he states he has no control as she is not living with us and that he will attempt to speak to her in July of next year on holiday! Unfortunately it turned into a terrible row because I told him he was pandering and what he was doing was feeding her behaviour. He immediately turned on my and called me a ‘f…ing c…nt’. This tends to happen every 6 months or so, when the pressure of the kids cause us to row. He says I provoke him and he turns into a psychopath shouting at the top of his voice insulting me. I’m not perfect by any means and because this is a repeated behaviour every few months I decided to fight back and called him a psychopath and control freak, as well as a few insults which I acknowledge is so unhealthy. He is actually a great partner at other times but I don’t think I can take anymore rages every few months on top of the hostility I have encountered. I’m not sure whether to move out and concentrate on my mental health and my daughter’s behaviour and well-being.

OP posts:
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 09:06

Thank you so much. Sound advice.

OP posts:
DFOD · 28/10/2021 09:15

“And yes, I agree their parents have raised them to be anti-social and hostile. It’s what they’ve witnessed in that toxic household when they were married. I should have known.”

You have done exactly this to your own DD. She has also been raised in a chaotic dysfunctional home and subjected to toxicity and violence whilst you tolerated this for your need for a relationship.

You need to get out, end this relationship and invest 1000% in repairing the emotional damage inflicted on your DD as she is now v vulnerable to having her own chronic MH / addictions / dysfunctional relationships due to poor boundaries and parenting. She needs your focus now to turn this around. I suggest you both get professional help as your own boundaries are very poor to have even entered into this toxic family with their set-up and then to continue to expose your DD to their abuse.

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 09:16

Thank you.

OP posts:
LadyLuLou · 28/10/2021 09:23

You need to do what's best for your DD and move out.

He needs to do what's best for his DD, which is leave the relationship with you and enable her to come back home so they can start on the healing process.

Ending this situation would be best all round.

DFOD · 28/10/2021 09:25

So was this family all living together in their family home - the mother is moved out and you and your DD are moved in?

MangoIce · 28/10/2021 09:28

@Foodie321 you say that her parents still lived together when you met. Your sd, at 11 yo, probably hoped that this was a sign that mum and dad would get back together and mum would stop drinking. And then you came along. This relationship was doomed from the start.

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 09:30

No. Their family homemade mine was sold. The ex moved into her own properly and we moved into ours.

OP posts:
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 09:30

I meant their property and mine were sold.

OP posts:
Hopeisallineed · 28/10/2021 09:32

It sounds to me that firstly your partner should never be talking to you like that. I would not accept that behaviour on any level, he’s supposed to love and cherish you. You have a duty to protect and safeguard your child and this does t seem to be happening. I would be moving out and concentrating on my children’s welfare. He needs to sort out his own kids.

DFOD · 28/10/2021 09:34

[quote MangoIce]@Foodie321 you say that her parents still lived together when you met. Your sd, at 11 yo, probably hoped that this was a sign that mum and dad would get back together and mum would stop drinking. And then you came along. This relationship was doomed from the start.[/quote]
I suspect that all the time her parents were living together under the same roof she wouldn’t be aware that they were not on a relationship. It’s not clear if you have just known or actually been involved in a relationship for 10 years or 6?

How old is your DD and what is her experience of family life before you got involved with this family? Is her father involved in her life? Were her own behavioural issues in existence before she became part of this family?

Booboobadoo · 28/10/2021 09:39

It feels to me like the focus is wrong here. You should be concerned about your own wellbeing and your daughter's wellbeing, not trying to fix issues with your partner and SD. I really feel for your SD, but how can you mend something so dysfunctional? Your partner calls you a c**t, I'd get away as soon as I could. The situation sounds dreadful for you and your daughter. Partner may provide, but he doesn't sound like a good dad, partner or step parent. Counselling for you and for your daughter sounds like a good idea. What has made you stay in such a terrible, hopeless situation?

BackBackBack · 28/10/2021 09:41

Another one saying I think you should leave.

I don't think your H sounds like a great parent to be honest. You were very sensible with the offer to move out at the time, and that's what should have happened. Any decent parent would have agreed it was best for all of the children if blending families was not working.

However he decided the best route was to kick his DD out and send her to her alcoholic mother. I'm not surprised she's refusing to engage - not your fault but from her perspective it likely comes across that you threatened to move out and he caved. The person paying the price was her - her Dad's actions told her that she wasn't wanted, wasn't important and merited less concern than you and your DD and that it was fine for her to go and live in a toxic household with an alcoholic.

I feel very sorry for his daughter. She's been failed by her Mum, and then absolutely failed by her Dad - who should have put her first when you offered to move out. And your H should feel guilty. Sending her texts about holidays is a blatant attempt at trying to buy her back, and I don't blame her for not wanting to be involved with him.

I'd leave for two reasons. Firstly because any man that called me a fucking cunt would be out of my life before he could blink. Secondly, because any man that is such a shitty father that he willingly sacrifices his daughter's welfare in favour of his dick, is a person I wouldn't want to spend a second with.

funinthesun19 · 28/10/2021 09:53

You have time to focus on your own daughter and her health now. Do that! Move out and make a different life for the two of you.

This. Absolutely this. You said your mental health is destroyed. This will inevitably affect your own DD. I wouldn’t put any more time and effort in to DSD and I would make a new life for me and my DD. Sometimes things aren’t fixable.

Your DD is your priority.

funinthesun19 · 28/10/2021 09:58

And even if it was fixable, the process would be hard and probably long and drawn out. And it would further take its toll on you as well as affecting your DD. It’s not worth it in my opinion. You only live once.

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 10:46

Thank you everyone. I have work now so unable to engage. I’ve received so many useful opinions and answers with similar consensus. House will go up for sale and time to concentrate on us. Thanks again.

OP posts:
smoko · 28/10/2021 10:55

I don’t think psychopath means what you think it means

Vix1977 · 28/10/2021 10:57

Ok, this might be a controversial reply.

Why doesn't her dad back off from her for a little bit? Give her some space and let her work her feelings out.
She isn't a young child so he is limited with how much he can influence her.

If dad is always there throwing extra money at her and holidays, this won't help their relationship. As long as she is aware that when she needs her dad, he will be there!

Also, you and your daughter don't deserve to be treated this way in your own home. That is your daughters safe space and she deserves to be equally as important. I would speak to DH about moving out if he can't provide a safe and happy home for DD

Tattler2 · 28/10/2021 12:28

A family unit has to be built; you don't automatically become family simply because you live in the same household. You and your partner seemingly do not know how to communicate with each other, and it is quite likely that you may not have been anymore effective in communicating with the daughter.

The ship has probably sailed with the daughter. A man who would put his minor child out of his home knowing that her only alternative is to live in a questionable environment is not a very good father.

It would seem that you and your partner could benefit from Counseling regardless of what happens with his daughter.

Ibizafun · 28/10/2021 16:54

I have seen so many situations (mine included) where the father has tried to put correct boundaries in place at the right time, but the child rejects them, trying to put the parent in the position of having to ‘choose’ between them and their step mother and threatening to stop contact.

It almost broke my marriage.

Tigersauros · 29/10/2021 19:32

OK, so it wasn't you who asked her to go live with her alcoholic mother, but it was your arguments that caused her dad to ask her to leave? So her view is that her dad took your side and sent her away. What were the arguments about to come to that stage? Your DD and her arguing and you intervening? What else?

Hattie765 · 29/10/2021 21:58

@Winniemarysarah

So you kicked his daughter out of her own home and sent her to live with her alcoholic mother? And you’re surprised that he’s called you a cunt after she stopped talking to him?
Wow, you have issues lovely
SandyY2K · 30/10/2021 15:43

I’m not sure whether to move out and concentrate on my mental health and my daughter’s behaviour and well-being.

Good idea, but it's both your house isn't it.

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