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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My 17 year old step-daughter hates me

72 replies

Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 00:56

Hi all. My mental health is destroyed. This is such a long story that will have to be condensed. Pleased feel free to ask further questions. I looked after my step-children for 4 and a half years and have honestly tried my best to be their friends and looked after them as a parent as they lived with me and their father. I encountered regular hostility and put downs from my step-daughter about me and my daughter (she is by no means perfect) and felt so excluded and after 4 years I told my partner that it would be best if we live in our own accommodation as I couldn’t take it anymore. He tried talking to her and communicating with her to no avail and she continued to be hostile and also violent towards my daughter. I wanted to sell our home but my partner decided to ask her to leave and live with her alcoholic mother which I don’t feel was the correct move and within a week he asked her to move back home. She refused and we suggested family therapy of which she refused. On two occasions I returned home to find her at home visiting her brother and she refused to acknowledge me. When asked what she had against me she would refuse to answer and leave. She has been gone nearly a year with no contact. I have messaged her on occasion to attempt talking to me to sort things out but she ignores my messages. She has also started to ignore her father on occasion but he feels extremely guilty of this and starts sending her photos of where he is going to take her on holiday when she ignores him. I feel that this is such a wrong move but he harbours a lot of guilt that he sent her to live with an alcoholic mother, even though it was the view of it being temporary. I argued with him today telling him I felt that he was unbelievable in inviting her on a holiday whilst she ignores him, and that she has to talk to us, however he states he has no control as she is not living with us and that he will attempt to speak to her in July of next year on holiday! Unfortunately it turned into a terrible row because I told him he was pandering and what he was doing was feeding her behaviour. He immediately turned on my and called me a ‘f…ing c…nt’. This tends to happen every 6 months or so, when the pressure of the kids cause us to row. He says I provoke him and he turns into a psychopath shouting at the top of his voice insulting me. I’m not perfect by any means and because this is a repeated behaviour every few months I decided to fight back and called him a psychopath and control freak, as well as a few insults which I acknowledge is so unhealthy. He is actually a great partner at other times but I don’t think I can take anymore rages every few months on top of the hostility I have encountered. I’m not sure whether to move out and concentrate on my mental health and my daughter’s behaviour and well-being.

OP posts:
PomegranateQueen · 28/10/2021 07:45

The problem lies with your DH, he should have agreed to sell the house and not made it difficult for you and your DD to leave. It was clear that your DD couldn't continue to live with a violent bully. It would be best if you leave with your Dd and leave this mess behind.

Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:46

Just wanted to add that his ex tried to befriend me at the start to then become sbusive and send me abusive text and FB messages insulting me. It worsened when I blocked her and on one occasion she came banging on my door at 2am insulting me and she tried to forcefully enter our home. The police put a stop to it and she never bothered me again….but yes, abuse all round.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:48

Thank you for your input.

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 28/10/2021 07:50

I think you need to leave while your own child is still speaking to you. You've unwittingly put her in a horrible home situation. You've done your best but you are fighting against 2 shitty parents and your priority needs to be the child that is yours. The husband sounds like an arsehole too. My advice is to get out now - you're flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:52

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 07:56

If I can just say this, he has brought them up for most of their lives and honestly has given them
everything they need. The three of them spent their lives together whilst she lay at home drunk or abusive. Where he is lacking is communication and discipline but he has provided for them. The throwing SD out was definitely a knee jerk reaction which has now had terrible consequences.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 28/10/2021 08:01

I think that is irrelevant when they are behaving like antisocial, violent thugs towards you and your daughter in your own home and continually being allowed to continue with this behaviour with no consequences. Providing food and shelter isn’t bringing them up. Unless they are being taught how to behave in society, they are still raising themselves. Your DH sounds overly-reactive. If you are the only one doing counselling, it is easy for him to blame-shift your way. He has shown no accountability or remorse towards what has happened to you and your child, and his way of dealing with his guilt towards chucking his own kid out to live with her alcoholic mum is to try and bribe her. He has the emotional nous of mosquito.

Tempusfudgeit · 28/10/2021 08:12

I think you're looking at your own daughter behaving in a similar way soon if you don't realise the damage living in a violent, abusive, rage-filled home can do. Sort it out before it's too late.

Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:17

Hi there. Honestly there is so much to this that I can only speak gradually due to the responses. He states he does feel guilt towards how my daughter has been treated and now he doesn’t help me to play a part in disciplining her for fear of repercussions towards him. He does speak of guilt towards my DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:17

Thank you.

OP posts:
GoodGrief100 · 28/10/2021 08:18

What's done is done and you need to think about what future you want for yourself and DD. It's been an unhealthy relationship as a whole for a long time and if your partner is behaving in an abusive manner, I would follow the advice to leave and take your DD. The damage to your step daughter began long before you came on the scene (I suspect) and its really unfortunate however you can't control how she is and how your partner decides to try and parent or communicate with her.

Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:20

Of course he does have regrets sending her to her mothers. Now she doesn’t want to return so he worries about where she is and what she’s doing. He falls asleep worrying about her and wakes up worrying about her. And yes, I agree their parents have raised them to be anti-social and hostile. It’s what they’ve witnessed in that toxic household when they were married. I should have known.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:24

Yes I think the damage was already there. She had family pictures of them all together in her bedroom the minute we moved in. It was her space and I respected it. But I noticed that soon she was cutting me snd my daughter out of pictures after our holidays. Very hurtful.

OP posts:
MangoIce · 28/10/2021 08:27

How long ago did her parents split up? And you only dated for a year before moving in with each other? Your sd had a lot of childhood trauma. She should’ve seen a therapist years before her dad introduced his new gf and quickly rushed things. This is a broken family. Your Dd may start to resent you.

midnightpopcorn · 28/10/2021 08:30

They will always blame the step parent as to not do so is to accept that their own parent has let them down.

If I were you (I was, in lots of senses apart from the details) I'd leave with your family and get in with your life. I can't see how this man is worth your peace of mind? If it's meant to be then you can pick it up a few years down the line but right now he's not the partner you need him to be and this whole situation is toxic.

I wasted 10 years getting tangled up in the poor parenting of my ex step daughter

Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:32

The parents split up a few years before I met him and they were divorcing when we met. The problem was they were living in the same household for affordability reasons. I knew him for 6 years before we moved in together. The kids seemed fine and used to invite me to the home but I refused as it was also owned by their mother. I’m hindsight, we should have stayed in our own accommodation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:33

I’m so sorry to hear that and thank you for the advice. You have experienced similar.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 08:33

@Winniemarysarah

So you kicked his daughter out of her own home and sent her to live with her alcoholic mother? And you’re surprised that he’s called you a cunt after she stopped talking to him?
Did you even read the thread?

HE did that.

AnkleDeep · 28/10/2021 08:34

For goodness sake don't let her back into your home.

Georgewontsleepnow · 28/10/2021 08:35

Your DH may have given them everything they need physically. But he has given them zero discipline and boundaries, a major way to demonstrate to a child they are loved and valued. Now they're insecure and don't know how do behave as nearly adults.

Do the best for your dd and move out. Concentrate on her and learn from DH's mistakes.

GinIronic · 28/10/2021 08:36

Don’t waste your money on counselling and therapy - the relationships are too damaged to repair. Move out with your daughter and leave all this shit behind. Too much drama.

Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:45

Thank you. I think it’s the way forward.

OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 28/10/2021 08:47

I have since set boundaries that she is not to enter my home without discussing our issues with me first

She may not really know what her issues are. And it probably isn’t personal against you. She may just have pinned her feelings about the family home breaking up on to you because blaming her own biological mother just feels too unsafe.

If as a young teen you have to accept that your mother isn’t fit, that is a huge thing to face up to.

Look at the difficulty adult women have in going NC with their mothers.

Plus, she moved into a situation where she was sharing her Dad, from her POV, because he was now livjng with your Dd.

Has her Dad apologised to her for asking to leave?

None of this makes any of it any easier for you.

And you don’t have to
Put up with it, especially being called names and watching your Dd be unhappy.

But I think the Dd needs to be told she is welcome back unconditionally.

Original poster
Foodie321 · 28/10/2021 08:54

Yes he had apologised to her and admitted it was a wrong move. Hence now the guilt and treading very carefully. Unfortunately I cannot accept her here unconditionally for the protection of my own mental health and that of my daughter. I did try for four years and put myself last. I think he needs his daughter back within their own home.

OP posts:
Spandang · 28/10/2021 08:59

I think you can have a guess at her issues:

  • mum and dad live together until you come along.
  • mum is an alcoholic but while mum and dad live together dad protects/cares for mum. In absence of dad, what’s his daughter having to put up with?
  • she’s probably never really had a mum. Maybe she thought you would be that. Maybe she’s angry she’s not the same as her peers. Maybe she’s envious of the relationship you have with your daughter and that’s why she abuses your daughter.

Problem is. I don’t know that you can fix it. Fixing it is about communication, you need to be able to sit down together at a table and have a hard discussion. She doesn’t want to communicate and you can’t change that.

So for your sanity I’d focus on what you can change, a life for you and DD. I’d move out, I’d be honest with DH - his behaviour has contributed and he should have a long hard look at himself. But I would take some time out for you and your daughter to live and be without this stress and anxiety coming into your life that you don’t control and you don’t have the power to go no contact with.

It is exhausting and until he wakes up and sees the effect it has on everyone, it won’t change.