Use of the term 'stepmother' in the press

[CornishGem1975]

Just reading up on the awful awful death/murder of Arthur Labinjo-Hughes at the hands of his father and his father's girlfriend.

The headlines all wildly proclaim that he was murdered by his 'stepmother' yet we are repeatedly told on MN that we are categorically NOT stepparents unless we're married and should not refer to ourselves as that.

Do they use the term stepmother because of the negative connotations that it conjures up? ie we're all wicked people, out to torment our stepchildren and make their lives a living hell?

It's just lazy journalism... I doubt they're trying to make a point about step parents

The term stepmother has been used as a negative for years. Look at Cinderella for a start. We grow up thinking step mothers are evil and when I read this story in the Press this immediately came to mind. The story is horrific and those responsible should rot in jail forever, but plastering the term stepmother all over headlines is just adding to the negative connotations and difficulties real life step mothers face every day.

OP - you ahve your priorities wrong here.

Two subhumans murdered an innocent child- they are not worthy of any respect or title or respect. That the woman in this made it clear in the texts released she wanted the man but not the child - re inforces stereotypes, that the man put his dick before his child again re inforces a sterotype.

Tragic and my thoughts are the poor little boy who suffered unimaginable pain by two subhumans.

May they rot in their own hell and never know freedom again

Oddly enough, not every journalist subscribes to MN’s unwritten rules.

I think it’s about the stepmother being a family title, and for family (who by definition are supposed to be loving and nurturing) to commit such a heinous crime is shocking.

The woman probably held herself out to neighbors and the public as both a fiancee and a stepmother. Many girlfriends like to appropriate both of those titles.

In any case, the child's life was horribly unfortunate. Three of the most significant people in his life were murderers and 2 of them murdered him.

The girlfriend/stepmother makes even the evil stepmother stereotypes look good. Better to have been just your run of the mill evil stepmother rather than a murderous bitch.

Sadly, if you read some of the things that she said about the child, they are not unlike what some adults say about their partners child.

This horror story aside, the insistence on the title being dependent on marriage is a weird MN quirk, one of many. When I was dating now DH and told friends he had kids most people said something like “ooh you’re a step mum!” not “ah, some day you’ll be a step mum if you ever marry him”.

I mostly said “ha, well let’s see how it goes”. Many years later, married, mortgaged, now parents together as well, of course I’m a step mum but not much changed when we got married. We were already living together, had an established family life for years.

Sadly, if you read some of the things that she said about the child, they are not unlike what some adults say about their partners child.

Fortunately, most choose to slink away to another room rather than to murder the poor mites. Venting and slaughter are very different things.

yet we are repeatedly told on MN that we are categorically NOT stepparents unless we're married and should not refer to ourselves as that.

I don't agree with this. I have seen posters say you aren't a step parent just because you are dating someone with kids.

Not that you must be married. You can definitely be a step parent without marriage. It depends on the relationship with the child. And quote a few posters will call themselves a step parent or their partner a step parent when it's a fairly new relationship or when they have barely seen the child.

And also, the media doesn't really care what mners classify as a step parent.

By the sounds of it, this woman did have quite a bit involvement with this child.

The whole situation is awful. And to be fair, it's easier to describe her relationship to the child as step parent rather than 'fathers partner' every time.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-58915908.amp

BBC don't refer to her as a step mother, I don't think she deserves a title as female personally. Having said that more lower in the instep the newspaper the more inflammatory the wording tends to be as a rule of thumb

The facts of the case need no dressing up, it's quite a awful and harrowing read.

I think that ranting misguidedly on MN about their step kids and systematically abusing a child to death by withholding food/water and poisoning via salt is rather a large jump.

From what I can see a fair amount of posts on MN most with step parents pulling out their hair because their step child won't finish eating food opposed to starving them.

Really wish I hadn't gone down that rabbit hole this evening, that was the most awful read

@AnneLovesGilbert
I think that term "stepmother " may have more meaning if you are a child? At what point does Mary move from being your dad's girlfriend to becoming your stepmother ? Is every serious girlfriend that dad may have your stepmother?

I think words do have actual meanings and it clouds the issues when people begin to use certain words to simplify a relationship.

I find that many of my adult female friends will introduce themselves as someone's fiancee even though there is no wedding or plans of marriage on the horizon.

I don't think that many parents would be thrilled to have their college age kids who are living together refer to themselves as husband or wife, and yet the same people use vaguely or somewhat appropriate terms when identifying or describing their own adult relationships.

Again, I think it just muddies up the waters when kids are involved , and it sometimes makes relationships seem like fluid or casual things that can be entered into and discarded with ease.

They'd probably point out 'mother's boyfriend' or 'mother's partner' if it was the other way round.

Whatever sounds the most negative. Helps to sell more papers.

Certainly, the article was no more flattering to the actual mother and father than to the girlfriend/stepmother Mother, father ,and girlfriend/stepmother, they were all murderers. If anything, the real take on this story is that this child would have been better off being an orphan or perhaps being reared by animals in the wild. It makes humans look like a pretty dismal and disgusting lot.

Again, I think it just muddies up the waters when kids are involved , and it sometimes makes relationships seem like fluid or casual things that can be entered into and discarded with ease.

It's a different world now. When you have a dozen or more possible identifying pronouns, how do you define marriage? When a young relative tells you they have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, what do you do when it comes to wedding invites etc?

Being dismissive of someone who is not married is a particular obsession on MN. Ida a great way to be an asshole on this site.

That woman is the stepmother her partner chose for his child. She was in sole charge of him often. She was acting in the role of step mum albeit the very worst humanity has to offer.

I wouldn't call a girlfriend who wasn't married to the father of the child a step-mother. Because it wouldn't be accurate.

@lunar1
The girlfriend was not a stepmother. She was the father's girlfriend who was unfortunately watching his son. That does not make her a mother of any kind. Better had he left the child to run feral on the streets. Dad decided to have a girlfriend does not automatically elevate someone to the status of stepmother. Language , laws , and terms have actual meaning for a purpose. Roles are not just interchangeable at will. There was nothing remotely maternal in the actions of the killer girlfriend. There was nothing remotely paternal in the actions of the killer father.

@Tattler2 @Viviennemary

What is your definition of a stepmother?

Sorry. TBH I think its not a nice term and I've never heard it used in real-life. But I thought it would be somebody married to a child's father. But if the child hardly knew the woman how could she be any kind of mother. Same for stepfathers.

I think you become both a wife and a stepmother when you marry the father of the children.

I think you become a part of the family, whenever the the existing family members think of you as a part of their family. I think that you can be a stepmother but never thought of as family or you can be thought of as family but never become a stepmother.

These terms all have definitions but none of them address feelings. It is actually the feelings involved that actualize any of these relationships.

If you have a good and caring relationship with the children, isn't that what really matter's.

My children call one of our long term friend and neighbor, Nana X ..She is not a blood relative of any sort ,but they love and care for her. They definitely think of her as family, but they know that she is not their grandmother.

This horror story aside, the insistence on the title being dependent on marriage is a weird MN quirk,

I've watched some episodes of Judge Rinder and he called live-in long term boyfriends or girlfriends of a parent who had children their "de facto stepfather" or "de facto stepmother". Then immediately abbreviated to "stepfather" or "stepmother".

It's the same way a person who isn't married refers to their partners parents as MIL and FIL... it's technically incorrect, but quicker to say.

I haven't read about this case, but Gabriel Fernandez was abused and killed by his mum and her boyfriend/partner....he was also referred to as stepdad. I saw the documentary...it was horrible.

She was not a ''step-mother''. Arthur had a living mother.

@Pascal80

She was not a ''step-mother''. Arthur had a living mother.

A child can of course have a mother and a stepmother.