Son caught Corona, is my partner being fair ?

[AlohaMora123]

Hi,

Son went to his dads on the weekend, his dad tested positive on Monday, son tested positive this evening so we’ve had him do a PCR which should come back soon.

My other half just told me he is really pissed off because my son didn’t do a few things when we got back home like wash his hands before dinner, but my son spent the evening by himself in his room and went to bed. OH suggested my son goes back to his dads.

All night he’s been saying “don touch this, don’t do that” which I get it, my OH doesn’t want to catch it. I feel like he’s being harsh.

He’s 8 after all, yes he’s got corona but not once has he asked him if he’s ok, he’s just told him not to do literally anything at all… Should he have reason to be pissed of or am I in the wrong telling him to cut my son some slack ? After all we’ve all been together the last 4 days chances are if he’s got it we will get it.

Thoughts ?

How ridiculous to think that we are all that scruffy we think that the partner is a tosser because he wants the child to wash his hands.

People are commenting on him because he's obviously a bellend. The kid is sick and he wants to send him back to his dads, when he more than likely wants his mum and to be at home - as most do when they're poorly. He's also on his case every time he touches everything. Does he want the kid to wear a hazmat suit? I'm assuming that DP has had the vaccine as he takes covid so seriously, therefore his risk would be a lot less than if he was unvaccinated.

FYI - I was very vulnerable, went overboard with covid measures in many circumstances within our homes, but if my child was sick and my partner even suggested sending him back to his dads he would be greeted with a firm fuck off, I'm looking after my child. He has a virus, he's not a germ.

Teaching children cleanliness is important, I agree, but this level is creating hysteria around a virus that isn't going anywhere soon and could scare the child both within the home and out of it.

But yes, he's a tosser cos he makes the kid wash his hands, spot on, that's what we all meant obviously.

He's also on his case every time he touches everything. Does he want the kid to wear a hazmat suit?

My DSS is very touchy feely - to the extent hugging/touching other kids at school when they don't want him to is something he regularly gets in trouble for. He is constantly touching SOMETHING, fidgeting with something, putting something in his mouth, and it's often my DDs stuff or communal stuff. It's painful when he's sick and continues to do all this (worms was the worst).

I was raised with the mentality that being cautious when you are unwell includes keeping your hands to yourself where possible. So I do understand the "being on his case when he touches things" thing. Some kids touch a LOT, and a lot of that could he avoided.

Yeah as he would be speaking to his own child like that wouldn't he ..

Regardless of whether he washed his hands... Sounds like your DS is eating with you? If this is correct you will all catch it. The only way to avoid catching it is isolating (tough on an 8yr old)

@candlelightsatdawn

I know some people don't think that Covid that bad and it's essentially a cold (which it is for kids) but speaking as someone who's relatively healthy and not old, I got it bad and I caught it from my step daughter after mum sent hers to ours and told us after she was positive.

I was in hospital actually. I think it's actually rather unkind to your partner to dismiss his fears on this. Everyone gets to set their own risk factors, your acting like he's over reacting.If you caught it and were really sick you might have a different risk Torrance.

Pfft I would want DS to be washing hands regardless like I would expect every adult to do, even my toddler can.

However I do accept that may not stop him catching it from Ds. I imagine he's annoyed he's been our at risk ans your causal attitude towards it tbh.

Did your step daughter’s mum “send her to yours” or was it simply her contact time to live at her home with her dad as always for that part of the week/month?

OP’s partner hasn’t been “put at risk” any more than OP herself, or indeed any parent who has school aged children. He has no right to feel aggrieved or suggest that his partner’s son should be elsewhere. If my DD contracted Covid I wouldn’t be annoyed that I’d been put at risk. That’s the reality of being a parent (or being the live-in partner/spouse of a parent). It’s her home. Where else should she be?

OP’s partner hasn’t been “put at risk” any more than OP herself, or indeed any parent who has school aged children. He has no right to feel aggrieved or suggest that his partner’s son should be elsewhere. If my DD contracted Covid I wouldn’t be annoyed that I’d been put at risk. That’s the reality of being a parent (or being the live-in partner/spouse of a parent). It’s her home. Where else should she be?

Aggrieved, perhaps not, but stressed out by it, and by the lack of precautions being taken by OP and DSS now he has it, is understandable.

Your partner is being cruel. It's a pandemic ffs and even the CMO said unvaccinated kids are going to catch Covid this winter.

Covid isn't spread via infected surfaces so to get shitty about unwashed hands is very unreasonable. Washing hands before dinner is a good idea but unless your son lied and said he washed his hands then it's a non issue.

I would not make an 8 year old spend time on his own but if partner wants to stay away then I'd wave him off. He's being very cruel.

Aggrieved, perhaps not, but stressed out by it, and by the lack of precautions being taken by OP and DSS now he has it, is understandable.

He's not even showing any concern for the poor lad. We all know at this point that the virus is largely spread via aerosol droplets. DS should be washing his hands before dinner (although he's 8 and will sometimes need reminding) but that's not likely to be how the virus spreads within the household. It's not realistic to expect an 8 year old with Covid to take responsibility for not infecting the rest of the family. He is still very young and will require a level of care from his parents that means reduced physical contact etc is not possible. I'm sure we'd all be stressed out if a member of our household had Covid but when you've got small kids unfortunately the precautions that can and should be taken at home are very limited indeed. OP's partner should not be suggesting that her son leave the house and go back to his dad's. That's absolutely shocking.

@IWantT0BreakFree

Aggrieved, perhaps not, but stressed out by it, and by the lack of precautions being taken by OP and DSS now he has it, is understandable.

He's not even showing any concern for the poor lad. We all know at this point that the virus is largely spread via aerosol droplets. DS should be washing his hands before dinner (although he's 8 and will sometimes need reminding) but that's not likely to be how the virus spreads within the household. It's not realistic to expect an 8 year old with Covid to take responsibility for not infecting the rest of the family. He is still very young and will require a level of care from his parents that means reduced physical contact etc is not possible. I'm sure we'd all be stressed out if a member of our household had Covid but when you've got small kids unfortunately the precautions that can and should be taken at home are very limited indeed. OP's partner should not be suggesting that her son leave the house and go back to his dad's. That's absolutely shocking.

No it isn't realistic to expect an 8 year old to take full responsibility for not infecting others - hence why DP was "on his case", reminding him of these things. He is likely annoyed that OP wasn't doing so. It is frustrating not being able to control that.

I don't think it was particularly shocking that he suggested he went back to his dad's, given that he had just come from there and his dad was already infected. It would be shocking if he had tried to insist this happened. But I don't think it's a shocking suggestion.

I think when it comes to infection and how it is reasonable to respond, people judge based on how it makes THEM feel, which isn't really helpful. Some people find the idea of being infected by something like this much more stressful than others. Being on edge, being a bit wound up that seemingly nobody else involved is taking it that seriously, and annoyed at the position he's been put in, is not as shocking as people are making out. It's just harder to understand when you yourself have a pretty relaxed outlook on illness.

Sounds like DP is freaking out about possibly catching covid and getting really ill. Maybe if you help by showing DS is trying to keep to himself and wash his hands etc then DP won't feel he's the only one who cares if he gets it or not?

Why should anyone be "helping" a grown arse man not to be a knobhead.
So he is stressed.
Since when has it been ok to take it out on a child?

My SS9 was sent to us by his mum after she had been feeling ill. By the time she had her positive PCR he had been with us 4 days and around our friends. He then tested positive and the rest of the household were negative. So we made the decision to isolate him in his en-suite. To be fair he spends most of his time on his IPAD in his room anyway, so it made little difference to him. He also thought being brought his meals on a tray was a novelty 🙂
I had been put on the shielding list, and I’m glad my DH considered my well being and our other children too.

My kids father is a physician and he has always been insistent that they wash their hands after using the bathroom, before and after eating, coming in from outside, etc. Being ill has never been an excuse for not doing these things. In fact ,being ill creates even more of an urgency about doing these things.

Neither of our kids have been traumatized or felt abused or put upon when they have been told or reminded to practice necessary hygiene practices. We have also kept them apart when one or the other has something infectious, and again they have suffered no ill effects or trauma from these precautions. If anything, they are surprised when other kids do not as a matter of practice wash their hands, cover their noses, or come to school when they are obviously ill.

Does your husband ask them how they are, at least once?
Does he create an atmosphere?

@CatoMat
I think that the child was well enough to eat dinner and was moving around the house touching various things was a pretty obvious indicator that he was in no distress.

The partner was observing all of this behavior so he had a first hand observation of the child's condition.

Perhaps the partner was not indifferent but rather he was observant.

He wasn't indifferent.
He was "off".
He told the op he is pissed off.
He has been unpleasant about it.

Should the OP's partner not be allowed to express his feelings in his household? Are his feelings to not matter in his home? I would be annoyed with either of my kids who were ill and not washing their hands. They are old enough and bright enough and have been told often enough about the need of and need for hand washing. I am not their step parent and their well being is always upper most in my mind, and yet I would find that behavior unacceptable under the described circumstances.

Any child who felt well enough to eat and was well enough to be ambulatory, was not so ill that he could not practice basic hygiene. The child did not forget to eat and seemingly he did not forget to move and touch various objects.

I suppose, for me, at least, it would depend how it was done.
I'm strange that way though.
I think the little boy ate his dinner then went to bed, rather than wandered around the house touching things.

Op have you ever thought that maybe DH is annoyed at you rather than the child due to his view of you being dismissive of him getting it "if you get it you get it " (I'm not saying you are)

Especially if reminding this kid to wash his hands (which god forbid I hope would happen with or/ without covid) is making you get your back up. Your all stuck in the house, this won't help but there needs to be more empathy on all sides

To posters hinting that DH reaction is essentially child abuse 🙄 parents have a duty of care to teach kids about basic hygiene, ill or not ill by age 8 hand washing should be nailed (with a bit of prompting if required- since kids are kids easily distracted). If you think this is unreasonable then you really need to look your own hygiene levels because children mimic these types of behaviours from their parents.

OP your partner is probably just frustrated that he can't control his own risk in this situation, rather than actually at your son.

Last year during lockdowns I was also uneasy that we had no idea what my SCs were doing or who they were seeing when with their mum - it is hard when it's out of your control.

I would think he was being unreasonable if he's being mean to your son, but it sounds like it's just reminders to be cautious and wash hands etc, rather than being nasty to him. I agree with the PP who said he's likely frustrated that you are not keeping on top of it as well.

As @candlelightsatdawn said, COVID has been and continues to be a very serious illness to many adults so I don't blame him for being cautious at all.

Aw, OP this situation is really rubbish. Is your DS feeling okay? Hope he and his dad aren't too poorly.

I had it this year, after 2 doses of vaccine and it wasn't actually that bad (I'm sure it could have been much worse!)

Your DP is feeling stressed out. Covid has done a number on us all. I personally recovered fully from the virus but will my mental health ever recover? That remains to be seen!

The best thing, especially now that you have lots of advice from MN, is to talk to him about it. Couples always benefit from talking more. Everyone just wants to feel heard and he's obviously feeling quite stressed about it.

@AlohaMora123 how's everyone doing?