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Original poster

ExW problems

59 replies

Splendabar · 29/09/2021 18:55

So DP and I are due to get married in a few months time. He has a son and a daughter from his first marriage that ended about 5 years ago. ExW is with a man and has gone on to have another child since the divorce from DP. Now, all has been relatively well, DP and ExW discuss plans for SS and SD and that’s about it, they’re not friends but civil enough. This weekend gone my DP received a message from ExW about 12 at night, it said ‘miss us, miss you x’.
DP showed me this and I am absolutely fuming. We get married so soon…. what on earth is she playing at?! Half of me wants to laugh at how desperate she is and the other half wants to call her out. What do I do with this? I don’t want to cause any rifts but she is one CF!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Splendabar · 30/09/2021 10:00

I've already said that I would never confront her, it would cause way too many issues for everyone involved and would definitely cause unnecessary friction. That being said, it doesn't mean that i don't want to! Thoughts and actions are 2 separate things... not that she thought about that before sending that message.

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 30/09/2021 10:17

This woman sent a stupid, inappropriate text. Your dp showed you. It's honestly not something to be so wound up and angry about.

FlatteredFool · 30/09/2021 11:06

Are you worried your fiancé might decide he misses her too? If you were secure in your relationship this wouldn't have caused such a big reaction from you. A wtf moment yes, but nothing on this scale. Maybe her texts has subconsciously raised doubts about your upcoming marriage. You need to examine your feelings and their source.

Carolinesyear · 30/09/2021 11:11

Wow OP I wouldn't listen to these people, of course most people would be concerned and angry!! You're not a robot!

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2021 11:21

If DH’s ex sent him something like this he’d show me straight away, we’d have a wry chuckle and he wouldn’t reply. I don’t think I’d be at all angry.

She wouldn’t because they can’t stand each other but she’s sent some pretty mad messages occasionally and he just steers clear.

BananaPB · 30/09/2021 12:04

My ex sent me something like that so I replies with "😂 wrong recipient 😂" which ended the conversation. I'd like to think it was an error

Original poster
Splendabar · 30/09/2021 12:15

@FlatteredFool thanks the analysis Freud but no i'm not worried about reciprocation on DPs behalf, we are solid; no issues. I just think it's a piss take to send a message like that when 1. She's supposedly happy with her chap and new child and 2. We are so close to getting married. There was no animosity from either side prior to this, DP and her co-parented fairly well, DSCs were happy. Why send a message like that that could potentially fuck up the whole situation. It's just selfish. I'm fairly certain that there are plenty of women (or men) out there that would be pissed off about it.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/09/2021 12:16

Your level of anger seems like a big overreaction.

Original poster
Splendabar · 30/09/2021 12:20

I am pissed off about it. I think i have every right to be pissed off about it to be honest. Can you honestly say that if it happened to you, you wouldn't be angry about it?

OP posts:
Carolinesyear · 30/09/2021 12:30

@SandyY2K how is posting anonymously on Mumsnet am over reaction? Surely going round there and confronting her might be... did she do that? No
She's letting off steam in a grown up way
Jeeeezooo

Onlinedilema · 30/09/2021 12:31

My first thought was was it meant for your dp or someone else.
Next how old are his kids?
He needs to cut down on communication with her.
Thirdly people are strange, she might have just been thinking about old times and by that only the good bits not the bits that lead to their relationship breakdown.

Original poster
Splendabar · 30/09/2021 12:37

thanks @Carolinesyear. I thought I was going mad for a minute thinking that I was unreasonable to be pissed off. I feel like i'm in the twilight zone sometimes on MN!

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 30/09/2021 12:39

Unless she has form for vengeance, I'd put it down as drunk and utterly self-absorbed. You wouldn't choose her for a friend, so try not to stress that she lives by different rules to you. You're allowed to think it very scummy behaviour!

Or are you actually worried about how she will behave at the wedding?

cherrytreecottage · 30/09/2021 12:42

@Splendabar

I am pissed off about it. I think i have every right to be pissed off about it to be honest. Can you honestly say that if it happened to you, you wouldn't be angry about it?
I agree with you OP. I'd be angry too. There's no way I'd laugh it off! She's overstepped and like you, my inner 14 year old Hmm would want to "call her out" but again I wouldn't if DH made it clear she'd been inappropriate. The issue here isn't whether you feel secure in your relationship or not. I believe that you are secure; it is simply disrespectful to you when she knows you're due to get married - what did she hope to achieve? You have every right to feel how you do.
girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 12:45

I understand you being annoyed but I do think your anger seems a bit OTT.

Don't worry about it. She sent a daft message. He handled it appropriately and told you about it. You trust him and he's marrying you. She was being daft but if she was intending on trying to force her way back in she'd have sent more than 4 words.

She was testing the water and now she knows where she stands.

vivainsomnia · 30/09/2021 13:10

I've sent text like this meant to my oh that we t to my boss! I had no idea until he told me! Thankfully, he didn't immediately assumed I was hitting in him and knew it was meant to my oh.

My ex also sent me text I tended to his oh a few times. It was obvious to me that's what it was and not him declaring his long lasting love. He didn't realise until I made a joke of it.

You are disproportionally angry a out this, even if she did meant to him. So what, you can both laugh about it.

Original poster
Splendabar · 30/09/2021 13:18

@vivainsomnia I appreciate that can happen, accidents do. However, we both believe that this text was meant for him. Hopefully, once I've gotten over the shock of it, I will laugh about it. I don't want to hold onto this forever.

I think the reason why I am so annoyed is because since the start of my relationship with DP, I have been nothing but respectful of her. I have never overstepped with her kids, I have always been polite and courteous to her, I have always tried to empathise with her when she has been clearly struggling with having another woman in her kid's lives, I have compromised more times than I can count so that her life might be made a little bit easier. Why bother doing all of that to then slap me in the face like this. I'm not going to try and excuse her behaviour because i don't believe it to be excusable. She did a shitty thing.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 30/09/2021 13:30

However, we both believe that this text was meant for him
Why though? Has she done anything before that led to believe she still has strong feelings for your OH?

Original poster
Splendabar · 30/09/2021 13:36

We believe it was for him because after DPs response following her message she has not responded at all.

If I had accidentally sent a message to someone that was meant for someone else, I would correct that immediately and let them know it was destined for someone else. Especially, if it were sent to an ex with an inappropriate message such as that .

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 30/09/2021 13:41

@Hapoydayz

Why did he show you? Is he trying to get a reaction from you
Honestly mumsnet makes me laugh sometimes. If OP had founts then message at a later date it would be “why didn’t he show you” poor bloke can’t win.
Hattie765 · 30/09/2021 13:53

If I were you I'd let go of your anger and just feel sorry for her tbh (hard I know). She's no threat, your partner showed you it and let her know it wasn't appropriate so you're ok. There will still be some emotional connection especially with the kids and even if she doesn't want to get back together getting remarried is a big step. It can set off some pretty powerful emotions in people. She'll be mortified today and swearing to stay off the wine! Just focus on your wedding and put it out of your mind, do yourself a favour and don't turn it into a thing that will ruin this time for you.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 30/09/2021 14:07

I don't think OP sounds irrationally angry at all. Just venting her frustrations here about a dick move her soon to be DH's ex has made.

It's a shame as it sounds you had a reasonably good relationship with her OP, as relationships with partner's exes go - this is certainly going to make things a bit more awkward!

Bet you it was something along the lines of her having an argument with her DP, being conscious that her ex is soon to be getting married, and possibly some alcohol. Let's hope she realises her twattish behaviour and maybe even apologises at some point.

vivainsomnia · 30/09/2021 14:21

We believe it was for him because after DPs response following her message she has not responded at all
Or maybe she's embarrassed but in her mind, it's obvious it wasn't meant for him so no need to respond.

I'm making assumptions just as you are. You don't know if it was intended for him yet you are going crazy over it.

Original poster
Splendabar · 30/09/2021 14:34

@vivainsomnia. Really? Wouldn't it be less embarrassing to say it was for someone else? How would it be obvious to DP that it was for someone else?
I think i'm probably in a better position to make assumptions about it than you are but Ok. You seem to be working awfully hard to try and invalidate my feelings about this. Is there a reason you seem to be so bias?

OP posts:
Carolinesyear · 30/09/2021 16:32

@vivainsomnia is the ex wife!!!