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Step-parenting

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ExW problems

59 replies

Splendabar · 29/09/2021 18:55

So DP and I are due to get married in a few months time. He has a son and a daughter from his first marriage that ended about 5 years ago. ExW is with a man and has gone on to have another child since the divorce from DP. Now, all has been relatively well, DP and ExW discuss plans for SS and SD and that’s about it, they’re not friends but civil enough. This weekend gone my DP received a message from ExW about 12 at night, it said ‘miss us, miss you x’.
DP showed me this and I am absolutely fuming. We get married so soon…. what on earth is she playing at?! Half of me wants to laugh at how desperate she is and the other half wants to call her out. What do I do with this? I don’t want to cause any rifts but she is one CF!!!

OP posts:
TwinsandTrifle · 29/09/2021 18:59

DP should reply, "please don't contact me unless it is regarding the children"

If she says anything else, DP should reply "I will forward these to your partner if you continue, please don't contact me unless it is regarding the children"

WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2021 19:11

This is for your DP to deal with.

Seesawmummadaw · 29/09/2021 19:13

How did he respond?

Splendabar · 29/09/2021 19:15

You’re right and that’s pretty much what DP said to her, but it’s taking everything I have not to throw her under the bus with her bloke. I wouldn’t ever do that but Jesus I want to.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 29/09/2021 19:22

I'd just ignore it.

And remember the threads from people who post that they know they're happy with their new DP/DH, and would touch XH with a bargepole, but still have an emotional reaction when he remarries

It's not logical, it's just a hook back to what they believed at the time of their first wedding. If they're MNers, they'll be told it's all normal, but don't act on it.

But (drunk?) late night dialling might happen if you don't have someone telling you to step away from the phone.

Hapoydayz · 29/09/2021 19:27

Why did he show you? Is he trying to get a reaction from you

DoYouLikeOwls · 29/09/2021 19:33

@Hapoydayz

Why did he show you? Is he trying to get a reaction from you
He probably didn't want any secrets between them.
Splendabar · 29/09/2021 19:47

Absolutely, we have no secrets. I’d want to know something like that and if he hadn’t told me and I’d found out later, that probably would’ve been it

OP posts:
Nowomenaroundeh · 29/09/2021 19:53

Bloody weird.

Nowomenaroundeh · 29/09/2021 19:59

@Splendabar

Absolutely, we have no secrets. I’d want to know something like that and if he hadn’t told me and I’d found out later, that probably would’ve been it
Totally I would be the same.

I sympathize. When my DP moved on officially with me, his ex (also has a partner, tells everyone and anyone how thrilled she is to be rid of my DP) seemed to have a wobble sending stupid messages and romantic photos of them together. He told her firmly to quit it.

In your shoes I'd be so tempted to say something directly to her but I battle constant urges to be pretty!

Splendabar · 29/09/2021 20:11

@Nowomenaroundeh totally. I don’t know how I’m going to look her in the face now knowing what I do. What did she seriously think was going to happen? All I can hope is that she feels thoroughly embarrassed. I would!

OP posts:
Carolinesyear · 29/09/2021 20:29

I think maybe a re-marriage brings old feelings up.
I've recently had a very similar reaction. DP who I'm due to marry at Christmas ex wife (whom he has two children with) had a melt down, it was mostly due to the announcement of my pregnancy. She's remarried and has a child with him but after we told her the news which she seemed gracious and happy about at the time however she must have gone on to be very upset and poured it all out to her new husband, new husband in turn phoned my DP and told him off, saying we were rubbing her nose in it... couldn't be any further from the truth, I was dreading her being told. Anyway she had no idea her husband had a go at my partner and when she found out she was appalled and said to my DP that it was just a jerk reaction and she was upset because he seemed so happy and sad that she never made him that happy, she said it 'made her eyes sting' she also asked him not to tell me this had all happened but obviously he did. I don't feel angry about it all, her husband betrayed her trust by having a go at my dp. However your situation is different, could she have been drinking?

Noogar · 29/09/2021 20:52

I think he did the right thing showing you. She probably misses what they had when it was good. But then obviously it went shit at some point. So don't worry about it.

DoYouLikeOwls · 29/09/2021 21:42

Is it possible she had fell out with her partner and was feeling jealous what you have. It is silly behaviour from her but I wouldn't worry. If she does it again though I wouldn't be so understanding.

DoYouLikeOwls · 29/09/2021 21:44

Splendabar She should feel embarrassed and very worried about her partner finding out. It was such a silly thing to do.

Splendabar · 29/09/2021 21:55

Yeah I get why she might feel upset after seeing an ex move on and be happy but to then act on it… so disrespectful. To me and more so to her partner. I’m sure he’d be crushed to hear what she did. Maybe she’s feeling gutted that he hasn’t proposed to her yet, who knows really. I’m going to try not to fret about it but the next PU/DO is going to be interesting…

OP posts:
rawhidebone · 30/09/2021 00:20

You owe her nothing, the woman has just tried to disrupt your marriage, I would make her aware that I was aware and make reference to telling her partner.

IndraOnTheMountainTop · 30/09/2021 00:23

Was it actually intended for your DP?! It seems more likely it was just sent to him by mistake…

Tattler2 · 30/09/2021 01:00

OP, if you have a man who is worthwhile , hardworking, productive, kind and successful, he is the type of man to whom many women would likely be attracted. Are you going to be angry and potentially confrontational with all of them? There may be women in his workplace with whom he spends many hours a day who may be attracted to him and who may make him aware of their attraction. They are not likely to be stopped by your engagement or plans to be married. Would you feel as though these women are disrespecting you? They see someone that are attracted to and they are willing to act on the attraction. That happens on a daily basis in work places, bars, hotels, clubs ,etc.

These women owe you nothing, not even respect. They are willing to put their self interest above even their own self respect. If you cannot be certain that your partner loves and is decidedly faithful to you, then you have no relationship worth saving. If your relationship is solid, it does not matter if every woman he meets makes a play for him.

It is likely that his ex may have been inebriated or was realizing that in ending their relationship many things were left unsaid. Realizing the good things that she lost has absolutely nothing to do necessarily with wanting him back.

There are only 2_people who have an obligation to respect your relationship , and that would be you and your partner. The commitment exists only between the 2 of you.

You did not lose anything by the ex's midnight confession, and nothing will be gained by confronting her. If your partner strays it will be because of a decision that he made and not because some women tempted or lured him away.

choli · 30/09/2021 01:08

the other half wants to call her out.
Call her out? Are you 14?

Splendabar · 30/09/2021 07:32

@choli

the other half wants to call her out. Call her out? Are you 14?
What a pointless and unhelpful post, well done you. No. Why would me wanting to confront the ex wife who has completely overstepped and been inappropriate make me 14?
OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 30/09/2021 08:45

My first assumption with the scenario your describing was that it was sent by mistake and meant to someone else.

I do this all the time on WhatsApp, it's embarrassing!

It's odd that your oh immediately assumed it was indeed meant for him, that he decided to show it to you and you too immediately assumed it was intended for him.

A lot of insecurity flying about.

Carolinesyear · 30/09/2021 09:03

@vivainsomnia it's not odd to assume a text sent to your phone was meant for you!! And if I ever send something by accident I realise straight away

Splendabar · 30/09/2021 09:47

@vivainsomnia i'm pretty sure that if it was sent to him by accident she would have said something. She said nothing.

I don't think it's odd that he assumed it was for him... who else would it be for? An ex before him? If i received a message like that from an ex (just prior to getting married) I would assume that it was their last ditch attempt to get their feelings out there.

OP posts:
Getawaywithit · 30/09/2021 09:48

Why would me wanting to confront the ex wife who has completely overstepped and been inappropriate make me 14?

If you are secure in your relationship, why on earth would you need to confront her? I get this might upset you but you seemingly have a need to get back at her. She might have texted drunk, she might have texted in full knowledge of what she was doing, she might have meant it for someone else. Is any of it worth getting into what will probably be long term confrontation and upset for everyone concerned? In other words, why give her the reaction you think she was looking for?

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