Help with our sons “blending”

[Blendingblues]

Hi all.

I’m looking to reach out, for advice, from a blended family that has experienced issues where children from each side of the relationship do not get on - more particularly where those children knew each other prior to the blended family forming.

Let me explain with some context.

I split from my Wife in January 2020 after 14yrs together. We have 2 children together (Boy 12 and Boy 6). The split has been, and remains to date, amicable. We have focussed heavily on co-parenting and often run questions past each other, as if to check that the other parent is OK with what has been suggested/planned. We certainly make better friends than lovers! This seems to have served both children well, and as a result they have transitioned with the split amazingly. They are both very grounded children and enjoy the time they get to spend with each parent.

In December 2020 I met my new partner for our first date. Since then we continued to date and have developed strong feelings for each other. More recently we concluded that we should start to express those feelings outwards and share with those closest around us of our intentions to consider making our relationship public. There are certainly aspirations to look towards moving in together in the next 6-12 months, for sure.

My new partner has 2 children of her own (Boy 12 and Girl 9).

I should add here that I have known my new partner for over 22yrs. We would often mix with the same group of people back some 22yrs ago, but our paths only crossed again around 5yrs ago. Strange, seeing as we lived local to each other.

Unbeknown to me, her Son has travelled through the entire school journey, and now in to Senior school, with my eldest son. Sometimes in the same form group, sometimes not. Around the ages of 7-9, in Junior school, there was a patch of “trouble” between them - nothing major, just boys growing up and finding themselves. Nothing made it past the school doors, and it was relatively low-key; more playground words than anything malicious. Neither parent was called in to deal with it, and neither was there cause for concern for either set of parents to reach out to each other too.

At this stage, when my son mentioned the trouble, I never knew for one moment that the other child’s parent was an old friend and my (now) partner.

The trouble between both children died down. In fact, I look back and wondered whether there was any trouble at all! At the start of their senior school journey, they both got on. They weren’t best of mates, by any stretch, but they talked and interacted. This made both of their lives easier.

Since dating my new partner, I started visiting her house at the weekends I had my children. This was because the 2 eldest boys were now starting to get on quite well. We thought this was a good stage to encourage everyone getting to know each other a bit better. At this stage we hadn’t told any of the children that we were dating. It didn’t seem right to do that just yet. Let’s see how they get on and go from there.

More recently, back in June 2021, the 2 eldest boys fell out again. Apparently they “bug each other”. It’s hard for them, as they share a group of friends. Even more difficult when they are online in group games such as Fortnite for example, where they play using live services and can hear each other. They have developed a dislike for each other, but nothing is clear other than they call each other “rude” or “annoying”. My partner and I have questioned our own child independently and we have arrived at the fact that they are just 2 different children. Nothing more. Similar to when they were at junior school.

It was decided at this point that we should stop mixing at weekends - although, my youngest son does mix exceptionally well with my partners Daughter. They play well together and she “mothers” him to a certain extent!!

If I do visit my partners house with my youngest son then my eldest will tend to stay at my house whilst I visit my partners quickly to say hello - my youngest son adores her family dogs and always asks to visit.

Soon, we must tell them all of our intentions.

Before we planned to do this with the children, I decided to advise my ex-Wife. We (my ex-Wife and I) had agreed from the outset that we would let each other know if we had met someone. This was only fair.

I had the conversation with her some 3 weeks ago now and they didn’t go too well.

The talk around me being with someone was no real issue. Because of me visiting with the kids then she had (sort of) guessed that this was coming - I thought she would as well, which is what brought forward me wanting to tell her, rather than leaving it nearer to the time of when me and my new partner finally decide to move in. Although, it might be worth noting (whether it’s relevant or not) my ex-wife has made no secret of that fact that she doesn’t like my new partner, just from her own assumptions of seeing her around and this stems from before we even became a couple.

She had only one main concern - our eldest son not getting in with my new partners son. I felt this would be a hurdle. She says that our son tells her things that he won’t tell me. He has since opened up with me and said that he really doesn’t like my new partners son - that he can’t go round to their house and that if I do, then he would like not to come over on the weekends he sees me.

To end a long story, my ex-Wife believes that the rift is SO bad between them that I should consider walking away from the new relationship. That I should put my sons feelings above all.

So, my question is: Has any couple of here experienced the same problem? Where the blended family children knew each other prior, that they had “problems” and didn’t get on.
We surely cannot be the only couple to ever hit this hurdle.

If so, how did you deal with that?
How did you manage your/the ex-Wife?
What advice would you give?

Thank you so much in advance!

P.S. The father of my new partners children is not present. He was, up until 2yrs ago, when he went AWOL. It may not be relevant, but just in case.

Jeez @Blendingblues but you're getting a pile on here, for merely asking a question!
I'm going to try and give you some helpful advice as opposed to accusing you of neglecting your son!
My dc were kids whose dad moved on pretty quickly post split. He left for the OW but our kids didn't & still don't know that. Their experience is that she was introduced as a friend about 9 months post split & my eldest 2 (7 & 12) saw right through this & didn't for one minute believe she was a friend & they were upset their dad was 'lying' to them. She moved in about 3 months after introduction. They found all this very difficult at first as while 9/12 months may seem like a long time to adults it's nothing to pre teen & early teen kids & they were still processing our split.
Ultimately things worked out ok for us as their sm had no dc of her own & exh, she & I all strove to present a united front to our dc. I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been for them to have their dad move on/in so quickly (in their heads) if there had been other dc involved. They would have been gutted.
My exdp & I were both well divorced (5 years) when we met & his dc still kicked up massively at him spending time with my kids. The irony was that generally exdp was only here when mine were at their dads, but him spending time here at all was a huge issue for them. Now, given their ages & the fact that exdp rarely spent time with mine it was an issue that was allowed (by exdp & his exw) to get way out of hand and it became a massive issue in our relationship.
My point is - your challenge is to find the line between balancing your needs & those of your son. Your son cannot dictate your future happiness but nor should you 'force' him into something that is going to cause him distress. You are fully entitled to move on & your son needs to accept that. But you should understand that his readiness to move on will look nothing like yours.
I don't believe in trying to hoodwink kids & in your position I'd be having a frank conversation with your son.
Explain that this woman is your partner & that you see a future with her but reassure him that he's not going to be forced to live with her & her dc. Explain that his younger sibling (whose needs also need to be met) likes spending a little time there & that you will strive to do a few hours of visiting (maybe on one weekend a month) to facilitate his brother, & that the rest of the time you will spend with just his brother & him. That way you compromise, he compromises & your younger son also compromises - & explain this compromise to him.
I know that you and your partner probably think your relationship will only progress successfully if you spend more time together. But believe me, your relationship will survive time apart far easier than it would miserable pre teen dc. Most blended families fall apart because of the kids, not because of the adults.
My advice? Respect your sons wishes & do not move in together, but also ask him to respect the fact that you want to stay in a relationship with this woman & that his sibling likes spending a little time at her house.
12 is not too young to have a decent conversation about compromise & respect. Your son needs to be heard & listened to, but he cannot be let veto everything - that's not fair on you or his younger sibling.

Yes I'm in a similar situation. Partner and I have 2 kids each, we all knew each other before partner and I got together, 2 of our kids are the same age (12-13 when we got together) and have some crossover of friends/hobbies etc.

The differences between our situation and yours are:

1. We didn't lie to the kids when we started dating and make a show of suddenly being good friends in an attempt to smoosh them together.

1. We make use of our mutual kid-free time and don't force them to hang out together, ever. We might go for a meal every few months, we've had a weekend away, and another planned (but we're in our 3rd year together), all optional as the kids are now old enough to make other arrangements if they don't want to go.

1. We have no plans to move in together until the youngest has finished school, because a) it would be incredibly selfish given the upheaval they have already gone through with their parents separating, and b) we don't want to wreck our relationship with the strain of step parenting.

And our kids actually get along.

You and your ex have done a great job putting the kids first thus far.
So don't push this and muck it up now..
This doesn't sound like a tantrum. There is negative history here for him. And the thought of you choosing to live with the other boy is probably really hurtful. He's dealt with the split well so far. But if his place in your life is threatened you'll undo all that good work.
See your new partner as much as you want when he's not with you.
Otherwise his resentment will cause a rift and he may well refuse to see you.
I'd forget about trying to combine families for now. It's too soon. Don't lose him.
You can still have a meaningful and committed relationship with your new girlfriend. You don't have to completely forget about your own happiness.
But it doesn't have to be under the same roof. If she's in this for the long haul , and as a parent herself, she'll agree.

I’m in a blended situation, we have been for about 5 years and have kids aged from 15 to early 20s.

Don’t blend by moving in together. If the two boys don’t like each other it will be a nightmare. There a lot of relationship pressures in blended situations and this one is not something resolvable if forced to live together. On one hand, two 12 year old boys should NOT be able to control and dictate the lives of the adults around them (which is what is happening), but you’ll have a far less stressful time if you keep separate households when you have your kids if there is conflict between them. Plus on the other hand, both boys deserve to be in a home environment that is comfortable and relaxed, not one filled with tension because some kid they can’t stand from school is also in their home space. They can’t help that they don’t like each other, it is long standing conflict that started before you and your partner got together.

I don’t see why your ex seems to think this issue should be relationship ending for you and your new partner, that a sounds a bit sneaky bitchy controlling of her, all dressed up prettily as “concern” for your son. If you only have your kids every other weekend and once during the week that is HEAPS of other kid free time you have to see your new partner. Keep separate households, and see each other when you can. Just don’t move in with each other, it won’t be fair on the two boys and will create problems in your relationship with your partner.

Why are you even considering your ex wife’s advice to split? It seems such an out of proportion reaction to a solvable problem.

@Blendingblues wow you are getting piled in on here. Simply for asking for advice. Thanks for answering my question, I thought as much re the contact. So here’s my tuppence worth.

EOW is next to nothing in terms of contact (from a child’s perspective). If I’m being generous and you have fri to mine contact, you literally see your kids 10 nights a month. With only 4 full days a month being quality time. Despite that, even on those few days, you expect your kids to want to share their time with you with another family that has absolutely nothing to do with them. When the reality is you have 20 nights a month free to spend with them when your kids aren’t there. That is clearly how your child feels IMO.

You eldest clearly feels that contact is to spend time with you, without other children / a partner claiming your attention. Can I think you can change that view? No to be honest.

My personal experience is that my partner has his children to the same level of contact you do. My children (mid teens) have absolutely no time / patience/ need to spend any time with his (younger) kids. My ex and I have 60/40 arrangement so that means my kids are home only 60% if the time. Even on that 60% they do not want to spend their weekend downtime with me entertaining/ tolerating other children in their home.
My partner on the other hand would happily bring his children across EOW in an attempt to blend. Which I have to confess I don’t understand. When contact is so minimal, that weekend really is about bonding/ being available for your children. You have 20 nights a month to be available for your partner.

‘Blending’ only works when everyone is on the same page and fully supportive (including exes). If any party (a child/ an ex) doesn’t want it, it is a recipe for disaster.

Your child won’t be a child for much longer. Soon they will only emerge for food and then they will be off with their friends, you’ll hardly see them. These years will fly by, then you have all the time in the world to focus on your partner/ move in together.

You should however talk to your son. There is a balance between respecting his wishes but equally making clear that this is your partner, an important part of your life. And that your son won’t be able to call the shots forever. I do get that part. If you allow him to assert his authority now, when will it stop? Bluntly when he’s an adult IMO.

I won’t cohabit with anyone while my children are home/ reliant on me. I don’t want to have to deal with the hassle of someone else’s children being in their home. But once they are adults, it’s a different ball game. By that point I will expect to be able to make my choices independent of them just as they, no doubt, will do for themselves. But for now? While they have no choice? I won’t force anything on them

it is every other weekend and once in the week.

With this little contact there's no reason to be forcing your sons to "blend".

What strikes me most from your OP is how much you minimise the experiences of the children involved.

According to you - You and your wife are now great friends and the boys are well grounded, enjoy time with both parents and have transitioned amazingly.

But we also know from your post that in under two years your boys have watched their father move out and meet someone (the six year old might not know she’s a girlfriend but I bet the older one does) and have seen their contact go from living with dad, to contact schedule, to contact schedule while sharing you with this other family. Your eldest may enjoy time with you but he’s actively choosing to not spend time with you when you demonstrate your priority is seeing your girlfriend.

According to you - Around the ages of 7-9, in Junior school, there was a patch of “trouble” between them - nothing major, just boys growing up and finding themselves. Nothing made it past the school doors, and it was relatively low-key; more playground words than anything malicious.

But that’s two years of verbal bullying that apparently wasn’t dealt with by the responsible adults. It’s five years of a tense and fractious relationships. And now you want your child to share his contact time with his father with that individual, and are planing to share a home soon too.

On top of all this your girlfriend’s son has recently lost contact with his father. Something you’ve reduced to a probably not relevant PS. He’s likely missing his father, blaming himself and everyone around him and concerned about you replacing his father.

Both boys are clearly hurting and need love and support and the adults that should be providing that are minimising to ensure they can have their shiny new relationship and play house.

Incidentally when did your girlfriend and her ex split? Because something was going on when her child was 7-9.

And that your son won’t be able to call the shots forever
He is 12. He can't decide what his dad can and can't do but he can decide whether he continues to see his dad or not.

OP, be 100% prepared for your eldest to refuse to come and see you if you move in with her. It might seem unfair, but ultimately if he is unhappy coming to you because of the stress that sharing a home with this would cause, that will be his only option. Once it happens, expect it to last for a very long time if not ever, even if he misses you.

As others have said, take your time. You are in live,you want to share every day with her. It's understandable, but you have children whose needs must come first.

Everything @TyrannosaurusRights says, perfectly put. So depressing to read a thread from yet another parent who is incapable of putting their children’s needs and welfare ahead of their sex life. Absolutely shocking that you’re visiting your girlfriend during your already brief contact time with your sons. Then when they reject you and stop wanting to visit you at all, you’ll be moaning that you can’t understand why.

When will parents accept that 99% of ‘blended’ family situations are shit for the kids involved, it’s not some sort of utopia where everyone’s happier before, and that what kids need is stability and to be prioritised by their parents

We have been in a similar situation. We both have a DC who are the same age and knew eachother through a mutual hobby. They got on ok but are also 2 very different kids and I would say weren’t particularly friends before but part of the same group. They didn’t dislike eachother though.

We have blended and actually now they share a room and love spending time together. However they also both like doing their own thing too. It took us a while to get to the point of living together and we wouldn’t have done it if there were issues.

In your situation unless things drastically change I wouldn’t do it.

DP has 50/50 and I have about 70/30 so we all spend more time together anyway. With you having EOW and one weeknight I wouldn’t push it. There is plenty of other time you can spend together.

@TyrannosaurusRights has put it perfectly and you should read their post and take note.

After 30+ years I still have issues with people that bullied me at school, and I can't imagine what it would have been like to be expected to share a family home with said bully or even with someone I mildly disliked from school.

Teenage tears are precarious everything becomes an issue, so to throw attempting to blend families with a child he dislikes into the mix is probably a step too far.

I know of a couple in similar a situation to you that put their contacts with their respective children on the same weekend, thus ensuring they had every other weekend child free so they could be together. Incredibly selfish and those children really struggled with the fact that their parents effectively wanted them out of the way every other weekend. They also didn't have enough room for all of them together so two had to spend their contact time sleeping on airbeds, no doubt seething about the injustice of it all.

As others have suggested put the blending on hold and just spend your contact time with your children. If this partner is the one a few years waiting won't hurt.

I think that you need to slow things down a fair bit. There is no need to end the relationship, but planning on moving in together within 6-12 months is just not fair on your kids. Even if everybody did get on, it would be a rush! Give them more time. Don’t try to force them to ‘blend’. Put your sons needs first. He wants to see you every other weekend, not your girlfriend and her children. Maybe in a few years time when your son gets a bit more independence then moving In together might be more of an option. But moving a 12 year old in with someone they don’t like is cruel. Home should be a sanctuary.

It's so soon. What's the hurry. I met my partner in May 2019. We have 13 year old daughters who get on brilliantly and attend different schools. We spend every weekend together with the girls.

However from the outset we both agreed kids come first and we won't move in together until the girls have completed their exams and finished school. We are madly in love with each other but also happy splitting out time between 2 houses and giving the girls some stability in terms of their home and education.
When we blend it will be W new place for everyone but there is no rush

I think it’s fair to say that we clearly do care about the needs of both of our children as I am posting to ask for advice from people in a similar situation as us - like I say we can’t be the only ones. If I didn’t care then I wouldn’t even be reaching out to try and gain some understanding of similar situations.

I’m quite shocked to be honest (having never posted on anything like this before) how many people jump straight on it and accuse people of neglecting their children, “or another depressing post where someone can’t put their sex life before their kids” it really just doesn’t even come close to describing this situation. Also, for the person posting suggesting something untoward happened - my partner and her children’s father split up 6.5 years ago, he’s only decided not to see then of his own choosing this last 2 years, nothing to do with our relationship.
We have both done tons of research looking at blogs, websites, reading books etc so this was just another outlet to try and gain some understanding of people’s real life similar situations because we care deeply about our children, as well as each other. So thank you to the people that have genuinely shared some insight into their situations so that we can gain some actual knowledge, not just opinion.

@Blendingblues

I think it’s fair to say that we clearly do care about the needs of both of our children as I am posting to ask for advice from people in a similar situation as us - like I say we can’t be the only ones. If I didn’t care then I wouldn’t even be reaching out to try and gain some understanding of similar situations.

I’m quite shocked to be honest (having never posted on anything like this before) how many people jump straight on it and accuse people of neglecting their children, “or another depressing post where someone can’t put their sex life before their kids” it really just doesn’t even come close to describing this situation. Also, for the person posting suggesting something untoward happened - my partner and her children’s father split up 6.5 years ago, he’s only decided not to see then of his own choosing this last 2 years, nothing to do with our relationship.
We have both done tons of research looking at blogs, websites, reading books etc so this was just another outlet to try and gain some understanding of people’s real life similar situations because we care deeply about our children, as well as each other. So thank you to the people that have genuinely shared some insight into their situations so that we can gain some actual knowledge, not just opinion.

Do you a acknowledge that perhaps you need to slow things down and take a more child-centred view of things? Or are you going to just indignantly carry on regardless in spite of numerous people giving you very valid reasons why your plans are potentially damaging?

You don't need to break up. Just put off moving in together, see each other when you don't have him (most of the time), and see how things go over time. They may not hate each other in years to come, kids relationships are fickle and fleeting.

IMO the more children you have the harder it is to blend a family.

While people obviously do want their children to get along, there does seem to be this expectation from some that because they are in a relationship, the children need to get on board with that because how dare they control their parents’ lives.

But the truth here is that the children had no control over their family splitting from one another, and so it’s understandable that those children won’t necessarily want their parents to move on while they are still young.

My personal story is that my XH moved on fairly quickly after our split, with a woman who had a child of her own. The two children took an instant dislike to one another, and bickered constantly. XH took exception to this and was constantly having a go at our DS for arguing with his partner’s DC who was younger than him.

Then he essentially announced that he and his partner were going to move in together, and DS was instantly unhappy because he didn’t like this woman or her DC. But there was no choice in the matter. Within a year she was pregnant, and they moved in together 6 months later. I think DS continued to go round there for a few months, and then he essentially stopped going, partly because of the partner, but mostly because he essentially felt replaced by a new family.

It’s been about 5 years now since he last stayed there. He has absolutely no relationship with his dad’s partner or her child, and he sees his sibling maybe 2/3 times a year.

Even XH admits now that it was all a mistake, even having another child so soon. But it’s to late and the damage has been done.

Hi OP, I do have some experience to add in here… I have 2 SC aged 10 and 7. In our own house, the “blending” consisted of them meeting me and a cat (and we still waited years to move in together, even though we were chomping at the bit!)

But, in my DSC’s other house, my DSS (aged 6 at the time) moved in with a boy from his class after about 8 weeks. (The new boyfriend moved in pretty much as the old boyfriend moved out, so we think there may have been some crossover, but that’s really just idle gossip.)
My DSS really didn’t like this boy from his class. He said he was one of the “naughty boys” that they didn’t play together and that he thought he was a bully.
First of all the boy from his class was sleeping on his bedroom floor for a month or so, and then they got bunk beds. My DSS hated it so much and it was very sad. It’s been a little over a year now and DSS has “accepted” it. He and his new step brother still get very upset about having to take baths together, but they tolerate all other aspects.
My DSS has never liked that he feels sort of embarrassed about living with a boy that all of his mates know he doesn’t like. There’s a social stigma around anything that makes you “different” that you may remember from school yourself! Worse still, anything my DSS does at home is liable to be repeated by this boy at school (like when he wet the bed!)

Overall, it hasn’t been a good experience for either of these boys and so I couldn’t recommend it, having seen with my own eyes how it affected my DSS. However, of what you’re asking is “will they not just get over it, after a while?” The answer is probably yes, they will. They will learn to push out the bad feelings and get on with it. But of course that isn’t what you want for your boy either.

Don't ignore the posts from people who have been through similar because there are some harsh ones.

I loved my best friend, we spent more time together at sleepovers as friends than as step siblings.

But then she got my dad more than me, and I really came to hate her in a very short time. Our parents relationship didn't last too long, maybe a year after then blended.

As a child in that situation, with someone I got along with really well, it was awful.

Your child can't escape the boy he doesn't get along with either at school or at yours, how long before he decides it's best just to stay with his mum to avoid the drama.

You might not see it now, but in blending this situation you are picking your girlfriend over your child. When you don't see him very often in the future, this is the reason.

I don't think that you should break up but you should readjust your expectations of how soon you can move in together etc Even if you could
find a place big enough for the boys to never cross paths, I think that you won't be able to blend into a family where you all hang out etc

I think that you've misjudged the history. The problems might seemed to have gone away but they probably just avoided each other - something that's not hard to do when there's 30 in a class, 100s of kids in the playground etc

I think it's pretty poor that you have the boys EOW but still take them to your gf's house. What's wrong with focusing on them - you have another 12 days per fortnight child free.

Personally I would tell the children the truth about being bf/gf. I suspect the 12 year olds know so you shouldn't insult their intelligence and pretend that you're friends.

Please ignore the harsh responses. But please don't dismiss the people who have said to slow down with moving in etc. A lot of posters here have loads of experience with this sort of thing

How about giving everyone at bit more space and time? There's no rush to move in with your girlfriend and blend your families. When it is your weekend to have your sons, just spend it with your sons. Your boys need you - just you. Not to see you playing happy families with a woman they don't really know and a boy they don't like.

I'd advise cooling off the attempts at blending and just keep your access weekends to you and your sons. You have plenty of time between access to spend with your girlfriend.