Hi all.
I’m looking to reach out, for advice, from a blended family that has experienced issues where children from each side of the relationship do not get on - more particularly where those children knew each other prior to the blended family forming.
Let me explain with some context.
I split from my Wife in January 2020 after 14yrs together. We have 2 children together (Boy 12 and Boy 6). The split has been, and remains to date, amicable. We have focussed heavily on co-parenting and often run questions past each other, as if to check that the other parent is OK with what has been suggested/planned. We certainly make better friends than lovers! This seems to have served both children well, and as a result they have transitioned with the split amazingly. They are both very grounded children and enjoy the time they get to spend with each parent.
In December 2020 I met my new partner for our first date. Since then we continued to date and have developed strong feelings for each other. More recently we concluded that we should start to express those feelings outwards and share with those closest around us of our intentions to consider making our relationship public. There are certainly aspirations to look towards moving in together in the next 6-12 months, for sure.
My new partner has 2 children of her own (Boy 12 and Girl 9).
I should add here that I have known my new partner for over 22yrs. We would often mix with the same group of people back some 22yrs ago, but our paths only crossed again around 5yrs ago. Strange, seeing as we lived local to each other.
Unbeknown to me, her Son has travelled through the entire school journey, and now in to Senior school, with my eldest son. Sometimes in the same form group, sometimes not. Around the ages of 7-9, in Junior school, there was a patch of “trouble” between them - nothing major, just boys growing up and finding themselves. Nothing made it past the school doors, and it was relatively low-key; more playground words than anything malicious. Neither parent was called in to deal with it, and neither was there cause for concern for either set of parents to reach out to each other too.
At this stage, when my son mentioned the trouble, I never knew for one moment that the other child’s parent was an old friend and my (now) partner.
The trouble between both children died down. In fact, I look back and wondered whether there was any trouble at all! At the start of their senior school journey, they both got on. They weren’t best of mates, by any stretch, but they talked and interacted. This made both of their lives easier.
Since dating my new partner, I started visiting her house at the weekends I had my children. This was because the 2 eldest boys were now starting to get on quite well. We thought this was a good stage to encourage everyone getting to know each other a bit better. At this stage we hadn’t told any of the children that we were dating. It didn’t seem right to do that just yet. Let’s see how they get on and go from there.
More recently, back in June 2021, the 2 eldest boys fell out again. Apparently they “bug each other”. It’s hard for them, as they share a group of friends. Even more difficult when they are online in group games such as Fortnite for example, where they play using live services and can hear each other. They have developed a dislike for each other, but nothing is clear other than they call each other “rude” or “annoying”. My partner and I have questioned our own child independently and we have arrived at the fact that they are just 2 different children. Nothing more. Similar to when they were at junior school.
It was decided at this point that we should stop mixing at weekends - although, my youngest son does mix exceptionally well with my partners Daughter. They play well together and she “mothers” him to a certain extent!!
If I do visit my partners house with my youngest son then my eldest will tend to stay at my house whilst I visit my partners quickly to say hello - my youngest son adores her family dogs and always asks to visit.
Soon, we must tell them all of our intentions.
Before we planned to do this with the children, I decided to advise my ex-Wife. We (my ex-Wife and I) had agreed from the outset that we would let each other know if we had met someone. This was only fair.
I had the conversation with her some 3 weeks ago now and they didn’t go too well.
The talk around me being with someone was no real issue. Because of me visiting with the kids then she had (sort of) guessed that this was coming - I thought she would as well, which is what brought forward me wanting to tell her, rather than leaving it nearer to the time of when me and my new partner finally decide to move in. Although, it might be worth noting (whether it’s relevant or not) my ex-wife has made no secret of that fact that she doesn’t like my new partner, just from her own assumptions of seeing her around and this stems from before we even became a couple.
She had only one main concern - our eldest son not getting in with my new partners son. I felt this would be a hurdle. She says that our son tells her things that he won’t tell me. He has since opened up with me and said that he really doesn’t like my new partners son - that he can’t go round to their house and that if I do, then he would like not to come over on the weekends he sees me.
To end a long story, my ex-Wife believes that the rift is SO bad between them that I should consider walking away from the new relationship. That I should put my sons feelings above all.
So, my question is: Has any couple of here experienced the same problem? Where the blended family children knew each other prior, that they had “problems” and didn’t get on.
We surely cannot be the only couple to ever hit this hurdle.
If so, how did you deal with that?
How did you manage your/the ex-Wife?
What advice would you give?
Thank you so much in advance!
P.S. The father of my new partners children is not present. He was, up until 2yrs ago, when he went AWOL. It may not be relevant, but just in case.