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Original poster

Step dad and my son

85 replies

Crazycazza · 25/09/2021 17:13

Aibu? My youngest son (18) just started uni, he is living in halls but only an hour away by train. My partner was pleased when he left as he dislikes him. My son has been home one night in his first week and is on the train to come home tonight just for one night to watch the fight with his mate from home. My partner is furious ad says I should not let him and make him get used to uni life! How do I say he can't come home? I want to give him the choice, am I wrong?

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Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 07:19

Sorry for late reply
He needed to use our main TV as his TV from his room is now in his flat at uni. So yes it meant we needed to be out of our living room for 10pm. That is irrelevant to me, its his home and he can use the TV whenever he wants but OH disagrees.
I get why you all think I'm mad for being with my OH when he is like this but I don't want to lose him and be alone now my kids have moved out
I will protect my sons over anyone though

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 07:28

Ginger1982
I do have issues asserting myself, I get walked over by both my DS and OH
I recognise it but struggle to change. I am kind and understanding to a point that I have no ability to speak up for myself. I was brought up to never challenge and to be 'good' all the time
It has affected all my relationships 😪

OP posts:
Josette77 · 26/09/2021 07:33

You moved in a partner who disliked your son?? That is brutal. Your poor son.

Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 07:34

Edgeofthesky thank you, I am ensuring my ds knows he is always welcome. I see my OH behaviour is about control and weakness, jealousy and fear ..I try to support him but he doesn't want to change.
I won't marry again

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Azerothi · 26/09/2021 07:36

Another woman who puts her boyfriend first. Christ.

Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 07:38

You have all given me a lot to consider. I am a good mam and my sons are my world, they know they come first. I have thrown OH out before and I csn see you all think I shouldn't have let him back but its never so black and white.
I do protect my son always
Thank you for your replies

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Spiindoctor · 26/09/2021 07:39

Your 'weakness' has contributed to their bad relationship - perhaps being a bit stronger would stop them both trampling you and clashing.

Be firm - it's a one night issue. DP needs to shut up and find something to do on one night.

This will run and run you need to be firm.

notacooldad · 26/09/2021 07:40

How was your partner last night after you over ruled him?
Did he back down with no problem or is he going to sulk at you?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/09/2021 08:33

@Josette77

You moved in a partner who disliked your son?? That is brutal. Your poor son.
Sadly it’s now very common that lots of adults put relationships first over their children.
Fireflygal · 26/09/2021 08:58

Op, your son has managed to get to Uni, he can't have been a total waster.

Why are you so afraid of being alone?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/09/2021 09:00

You're wrong for not telling this man that your son comes first and you refuse to be in a relationship with a man who hates and resents your son!

He needs to fuck off.

YodaiamsaidI · 26/09/2021 09:02

Yes,why are you with a man who dislikes your child?

rawhidebone · 26/09/2021 09:06

Fucking hell, I'm trying to imagine a man, any man, ever trying to tell me that my son can't come home. I'm trying to imagine myself being in a relationship with a man who doesn't like my son. But it's so alien that it doesn't compute. How sad that you want a man at any cost so as not to be alone. You're so very wrong when you say that you're a good mum who protects your son. Wake up.

toomuchlaundry · 26/09/2021 09:13

How long have you been with your partner? Does he ever see his own DC? Has he always disliked your son?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2021 09:31

I get why you all think I'm mad for being with my OH when he is like this but I don't want to lose him and be alone now my kids have moved out

I will protect my sons over anyone though

You must see how incompatible these statements are?

Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 09:50

Notacooldad he is sulking .. always does for about 48hrs

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Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 09:52

Thanks again for the comments, it has helped me. I know I need to be more assertive and I'm going to work on that. As for the people who clearly think I'm a weak, c#ck loving, spineless woman, I am not! ..I'm coming off this now but thanks to the constructive people

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notacooldad · 26/09/2021 09:58

I know you said you are going but just in case you do read!!

Notacooldad he is sulking .. always does for about 48hrs
You e made the first step in standing up for you and your son. Now when DP is being ridiculous with his sulking tell him to grow the hell up and behave himself. You have made a start being assertive, now carry on! The more you do, the easier it becomes.

gogohm · 26/09/2021 10:07

As much as your partner doesn't endear himself from your post, he is right, they need to settle into university life and coming home especially during freshers disrupts this. It's hard, I dropped dd Friday but I know from experience I need to resist even calling

pinkyredrose · 26/09/2021 10:16

You'd rather have a controlling dickhead in your life than be alone? Words fail me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2021 10:21

What’s so scary about being by yourself OP? What would you be missing if you split up with this one? Money?

Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 10:29

I did read it, thanks thats very kind of you and helpful. I will
I'm presuming you're a bloke?

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Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 10:31

Annelovesgilbert
Support, company, someone to plan with, share things

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Original poster
Crazycazza · 26/09/2021 10:33

Gogohm i agree, I've advised Ds that he needs to try to embrace it and that is my OH point.
But I also need to give him the choice of security at home

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notacooldad · 26/09/2021 10:40

I'm presuming you're a bloke?
Nope I'm a middle aged woman with two sons. One a couple of years older than yours at 21. I just can't comprehend the thought of telling my lad he couldn't come home. I would be furious if someone said that I wasn't to let my lad into his home, absolutely livid. They would be ignored but how blooody dare they!

And as for someone that thought I was a bad parent because you went through a bumpy time with your lad, well that doesn't sound supportive. There aren't many families that get through the teeen years with out something challenging happen. To put the tin lid on it, he was visibly pleased when son left!

You've made a start at standing up for yourself, don't stop. If you feel yourself weaken visualise what he wanted you to do, shut the door in your son's face and send him away.