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Original poster

Step dad and my son

85 replies

Crazycazza · 25/09/2021 17:13

Aibu? My youngest son (18) just started uni, he is living in halls but only an hour away by train. My partner was pleased when he left as he dislikes him. My son has been home one night in his first week and is on the train to come home tonight just for one night to watch the fight with his mate from home. My partner is furious ad says I should not let him and make him get used to uni life! How do I say he can't come home? I want to give him the choice, am I wrong?

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notacooldad · 25/09/2021 18:11

my son has been hard work and my oh was looking forward to the break
Teen are often hard work but it doesn't last forever. Your partner would have found that out if he stuck round for his own.
As for a break wtf, The lad is at uni, he is coming home for the odd night.

A lot of my son's school peers carried on living at home when they went to Lancaster or Uclan as its only a short drive away. You're DP would have hated that!

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 25/09/2021 18:11

I’ve just got rid of my DH for similar behaviour. It’s your son’s home and, from what you say, it was your son’s home before this knob moved in. There is only one person who should be unwelcome here and that person is not your DS. Good luck OP.

mrsbitaly · 25/09/2021 18:12

It's lovely he still wants to return home. Bloody bang out of order your having to question this because of your partners behaviour. He's going to have to suck it up it's your son and he shouldn't be refused to come back unless you had plans or busy, Ill ect

Your going to have to put your foot down and make it VERY clear he is going to have to put his feelings aside

ButterflyAway · 25/09/2021 18:13

Wow, how hideous that anyone would stay with someone who didn’t like their children.

notacooldad · 25/09/2021 18:14

When you say he’s on his way home with his mate to watch the match, does this involve taking over the family TV with his mates or would this be in his room / own space?
Would it matter for one night if it did?
Personally I couldn't care less as it's an opportunity to see ds happy or catch up to make sure everything is going well and also to show the door is open for him.

mrsbitaly · 25/09/2021 18:15

P.s Drugs shouldn't be allowed in the house it's not clear if you allow this but if you do then that has to stop out of respect. I can understand your OH being pissed about this

Ginger1982 · 25/09/2021 18:16

I wouldn't allow my son to smoke cannabis in my house but I also wouldn't allow my partner to dictate when my son can and can't come gone. Sounds like you have issues asserting yourself with men.

MeridianB · 25/09/2021 18:19

On the face if it, your DP is completely unreasonable for saying your son can’t come home.

But then you’re completely unreasonable for letting your son smoke drugs in the house.

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 25/09/2021 18:21

I know a couple where the man didn't like the sons from a previous relationship. It has caused her a lot of heartache. One son has moved to the other side of the world and the other to the other side of the country. She wonders why they won't visit.
Please don't say your DS can't come home.

notacooldad · 25/09/2021 18:23

MeridianB
But then you’re completely unreasonable for letting your son smoke drugs in the house
Where does op say she let him smoke it in the house.?

titchy · 25/09/2021 18:33

Great. Another mother who put her need for cock above her dc. Angry

Chailatteplease · 25/09/2021 18:35

I’ll be honest, you’re at fault here too for even being in a relationship with a man who dislikes your child. You’re supposed to be his mother! Act like one.

notacooldad · 25/09/2021 18:43

I'm going blind a d stupid!
Can people show me where Op let her son smoke weed " in the house"
All I'm seeing is the son has smoked weed. I could go in to virtually any college and I bet the large majority of lads have at least tried it.
It doesn't make a parent a bad parent if their kid has done this.

I did it 40 odd years ago and it was common then.
However it is a side issue Op s soon is at uni and has done well.
Surely that's what should be concentrated on rather than something he once did.

EdgeOfTheSky · 25/09/2021 18:47

Keep your relationship with your son close, OP.

Some Men have a horrible tendency to want to oust other men’s sins from the home and especially to come between mother and that son.

Hamlet, The Lion King, Greek tragedies… all are based on this all too common principle.

And part of it is control of you.

Stay alert. Don’t let him undermine your relationship with your son.

Abandoning his own kids, ousting yours… nasty.

Don’t marry him and give him any hold on your house / home!

Tattler2 · 25/09/2021 18:49

Your partner is really over stepping his lane. He is your partner; he is not your son's parent. A partnering relationship does not create a parental relationship. Going away to college and living in a dorm does not mean that you lose access to your home.

A child being a challenge to raise does not mean that you wash your hands of them at the earliest possible moment. It generally means that as a parent you have to rise to the challenge.

Remember, you are on at least your 3rd partner. Partnering relationships are much easier to replace than the relationships with your children. A partner is a partner until it no longer works. A child is a child for life.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 25/09/2021 18:50

I don't want to be part of a pile-on but, I could never be with someone who didn't like my kid. That would turn me off completely.

february11 · 25/09/2021 18:51

If ANYONE dared to ever suggest that my child isn't welcome home whenever they want .. ohhhh they'd see a different side of me!
Never turn your child away for a DP. Partners come and go .. your children should always be priority

FawnFrenchieMum · 25/09/2021 18:51

@notacooldad

When you say he’s on his way home with his mate to watch the match, does this involve taking over the family TV with his mates or would this be in his room / own space? Would it matter for one night if it did? Personally I couldn't care less as it's an opportunity to see ds happy or catch up to make sure everything is going well and also to show the door is open for him.
It depends, if we had plans to chill and watch TV then I’d be annoyed at him assuming he could come over and take over the TV with his mates.
Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 18:52

So many kids struggle to adjust to uni life. It can be hard to make friends and settle in. So I'd never stop my kid coming home. If it becomes regular then I'd check they were OK and know that I was always there if they needed me.

pinkyredrose · 25/09/2021 18:58

Why are you with your boyfriend, what are his good points? Why does he dislike your son?

Why did he move into your house, was it his idea?

notacooldad · 25/09/2021 18:58

It depends, if we had plans to chill and watch TV then I’d be annoyed at him assuming he could come over and take over the TV with his mates
See I wouldn't feel annoyed about my lad coming home.
Anything on TV can be watched another time I can chill in different ways.The son will be gone by tomorrow night. I'm glad that mine still bring their mates round occasionally as well.

fuzzymoomin · 25/09/2021 19:03

Your question should be "how do I get rid of my parter".

Bananarama21 · 25/09/2021 19:05

Why on earth are you with someone who hates your child?

lunar1 · 25/09/2021 19:17

Nobody on earth would make me turn away my child.

Cloverforever · 25/09/2021 19:46

Unfortunately this is very common. My ex husband's new wife hates my/his kids, and yet he stays with her and puts her first. I have zero respect for him as a consequence.