DP insists on sleeping with DSD

[Lena007]

It doesn't sit right with me.

Have been together with DP 1.5 years. He has one 8 years old DD. We live separately but there are talks about us renting together in the nearest future.

DSD is with her dad 50% of time, just various days/ times/ nights. All fine.

She is a lovely girl, we all spend some time together but most of the time she spends with DP on their own. I spend some time with her too, just the two of us to slowly build a nice relationship.

Whenever I am at DP's and stay overnight when DSD is there I am expected to sleep in the spare bedroom so they can share the bed in the master bedroom. DP calls it 'their room' ie his and DSD's. It has been going on for over 6 months.

Initially I thought, ok, she needs to adjust and settle in the new place and accept the fact her dad is in a new relationship (first relationship after he split with her mum), but that's not that. She says one day she would love to go on holiday with me and DP but of course she is having one room with dad and I can sleep in another hotel room. DP just changed subject because he had seen shock on my face.
On the same day she says to DP that she wants to sleep in the spare bedroom on her own, to which DP replied ' No. I'm never going to leave you like that ' and he insists he sleeps with her whenever she is at his. I have heard her saying it at least 3 times. They stay up late watching tv/ netflix cuddled up on the sofa then they both go to bed together. I'm sat on the second sofa and then go to bed there on my own.

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her. He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her. Then I've said it doesn't make any sense for me to stay overnight at his when she is here, I would rather be at my own place if I've to sleep on my own anyway. He says that he doesn't want to spend less time together and he wants me to be a part on their lives and be here when DSD is here too, and that he would expect me to behave like an adult, not to be jelaous and just understand and accept it because he would. I have told him I thought it was only a temp solution and in standard relationships adults sleep together instead one adult being delegated to the spare bedroom when children are here. He said that we aren't in a 'normal' relationship and will never be because he doesn't get to see his DD every day.
I would understand it if she needed to sleep with him, but no, it is him insisting on it.

He says if we rent together this will change and he will be going to sleep in DSD bedroom sometimes and I won't have to sleep in the spare room. But it still just doesn't feel right.

Aibu?

That is really creepy. This is not right.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread.. Given the inference in this thread... Have you also thought about what's actually going on when he's in the bed with her...... I hate to paint this image. But you can't take chances with children, even suspicions have to be confirmed or alleviated. The longer you let it carry on, the more you're enabling him if something sinister is going on.

@Tiredtiredtired100

You 100% need to report this for the sake of the daughter, it won’t necessarily be obvious it was you as SS won’t disclose that information and it could easily be his ex or a teacher at her school.

Also, I think the point at which you even suspect your partner of abusing a child is when that relationship is 100% over. To be frank, in your position it’s not even a suspicion, forcing a child to sleep with you in your bed is abusive. You need to LTB and do whatever you can to protect his daughter.

Amen.

Number of times I’ve thought my husband is abusing his daughter: 0.

I’d leave him at 1.

@Lena007 you do not need to figure this out alone. A friend of mine volunteers for the NSPCC and goes into school to talk to children.
I ran this thread past her. She begs you to call the NSPCC who will support you (no judgement) and talk you through why this situation is so concerning. The NSPCC can also contact SS directly via their safeguarding policies and you would be completely protected. A conversation can be had with that child, within the school without any of the parents knowing.

OP, I’m so sorry but having advanced searched I see you’ve been in a previously very abusive relationship, which you recognised and left

• brilliant and you should be proud of yourself. But unfortunately it does make you vulnerable to men/partners with less than stellar motives - it’s not your fault, it’s theirs, but it’s a known fact and a profile of abusers to target people who might be vulnerable through no fault of their own. Please don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into a position where you’re the ‘legitimate’ alibi of a man who’s anything but honourable. If you’re in touch with women’s aid etc then worth reaching out in real life for advice.

she kissed me and cuddled and said that she is so happy that we can spend so much time together and she loves me and can't wait until the next Friday to see me again.

When you say the little girl cuddles up to you my heart breaks a bit too, but mostly because I think she’s telling you she wants you around - not just her dad. Her feelings are probably extremely complex. I don’t know if most 8-year-olds would act this way - it seems unusual to me in a well-adjusted 8-year-old but it’s hard to tell words on a screen.

But please, please take on board that your instincts that This Doesn’t Sit Right are 100% correct, no matter what a man is saying otherwise.

It doesn’t sit right. At all.

@sassbott thank you, I'm going to do that tomorrow

[quote Lena007]@sassbott thank you, I'm going to do that tomorrow [/quote]
Well done OP. It's what the little girl needs.

Thank you OP ⚘

Why are you even going to talk to him? To reason with him? You should be calling the child protection services not him. you should be safeguarding this child that you also have a responsibility for, and then you should be walking right away from this creep.

His boundaries are way off, I think you are right about being emotionally back when she was tiny. She is being made vulnerable to other abusers because of his off boundaries and his control. He needs parenting support.

I was thinking that was quite sweet until you said it's coming from him and his daughter would prefer to sleep in her own bed. This is beyond creepy and a massive red flag, run.

That's a beautiful red flag he's waving at you isn't it? There's no space for you in this relationship and that's not ok. In fact I'm a bit lost for words at just how bad it is. I feel sorry for you & the DC. That smothering love he's showing her is probably control. I expect it's making him feel quite powerful you sleeping in the spare room. Run for the hills.

"When I'm with them I'm not expected to do a thing, DP does all cooking, cleaning, parenting and everything else. I do whatever I want, never problem with that, I don't feel forced to anything or used in any sense. I sometimes teach DSD maths because she struggles with it and we both enjoy it.I also join DP and DSD for weekend trips. "
The fact that he does everything is not a good sign. He's going to be one of those that won't let you boil the kettle because you won't do it right. This is not a partnership it's a one man show. Back to the kettle analogy. You'll get all your cups of tea made. Great you may think, but they will probably be at set times. You might not want one at that time. He'll sulk. Next time you'll just drink the tea it's easier. You might really want a cup of tea so you make one he goes batshit because you could have burnt the house down. Now you wait for all your cups of tea. If you even think about breaking the rules your anxiety will rocket. Please be careful as all the stuff you have said is seriously worrying me. There is no room in this relationship for you as an equal partner.

@honeygriff

"When I'm with them I'm not expected to do a thing, DP does all cooking, cleaning, parenting and everything else. I do whatever I want, never problem with that, I don't feel forced to anything or used in any sense. I sometimes teach DSD maths because she struggles with it and we both enjoy it.I also join DP and DSD for weekend trips. " The fact that he does everything is not a good sign. He's going to be one of those that won't let you boil the kettle because you won't do it right. This is not a partnership it's a one man show. Back to the kettle analogy. You'll get all your cups of tea made. Great you may think, but they will probably be at set times. You might not want one at that time. He'll sulk. Next time you'll just drink the tea it's easier. You might really want a cup of tea so you make one he goes batshit because you could have burnt the house down. Now you wait for all your cups of tea. If you even think about breaking the rules your anxiety will rocket. Please be careful as all the stuff you have said is seriously worrying me. There is no room in this relationship for you as an equal partner.

Great post. Keep this in mind, OP. I still think you need to run.

This is utterly terrifying. Please report this man.
I want to tell you to run but also want you to stay to protect the little girl.
I couldn’t begin to imagine her life if she was there alone all the time with him.
Do the right thing OP

He's being incredibly selfish- only thinking of what he wants, not what his daughter (or indeed his partner, you!) wants or needs.

I'm not sure what has shocked me more, the fact that you have stood by and watched this terrible situation continue or that you are still with this person???!!! Ring social services and see what they say!

Please stop piling in on the OP. She has come here and asked for help. She indicated that she would be contacting the NSPCC for advice.
@Lena007 did you manage to contact someone today and discuss this with someone in some official capacity?

I've not read all this through but I'm a single mum and it's not uncommon for my 6 year old dd to sleep in my bed.

She has her own room but often comes into my bed, we have cuddle then sometimes she does to her own room and sometimes we co-sleep. It's always her decision but I must admit I enjoy it.

Is the alarm about the fact it's a dad and dd? Or would it be wrong in my situation too?

Or is it only because the dad is driving it, I.e would it be less of an issue if it's what the dd wanted?

Or is it only because the dad is driving it, I.e would it be less of an issue if it's what the dd wanted?

Of course it is, can you really not see the difference?

@fidgetmad seriously? It would be wrong in your situation if your child was verbalising that they wanted their own space/ privacy/ stop co-sleeping and you insisted that the co-sleeping continued.

No one is saying this because it’s a dad and daughter. It’s because the child has said I’d like to sleep in the spare bedroom and the father has outright refused. If it was a son or a mother my reaction would still be the same. Abuse isn’t limited to hetero relationships.

@WillThisEverBeResolved

I'm not sure what has shocked me more, the fact that you have stood by and watched this terrible situation continue or that you are still with this person???!!! Ring social services and see what they say!

Totally unhelpful and unnecessary!

@ActonSquirrel

No one would bat an eyelid if a mum was doing it.

She is his daughter. She will grow out of it before long.

My 8 yo niece won't sleep alone and it is a huge bone of contention as I have refused to look after her in the past as I'm not bed sharing with an 8 year old. She either stays up late until you go to bed or you have to go.to bed with her at 8pm and I'm doing neither.

I wouldn't want a relationship with a man I couldn't even sleep with at home or on hols I'd dump for that. What's the point.

Sorry, but no. This is a weird thing for a parent to insist on. It doesn't matter whether it's the mom or the dad. It's one thing if the child asks for it after a nightmare or has trouble sleeping alone in general, but in this case the daughter has even asked for a room of her own.

Also the cuddling on the couch late at night and then going to bed together. He is treating his daughter more like a girlfriend than he is treating his girlfriend. In fact it's almost like he is ignoring his girlfriend and spends all his attention on his daughter when they are both there.

I wonder if her mother knows about this arrangement. It is suspsicious as hell. It is creepy.

That's my thoughts too but just wanted to check in case anyone was appalled with me sleeping with my Dd.

I completely agree the dad is out of order and OP should be concerned but I then got paranoid about what people would think of my situation

It's one thing for dsd to ask but an entirely different level for him to insist. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say nothing "awry" is going on here but even so there's still her privacy to consider and the fact he won't listen to her wants and needs, this only spells disaster in your own relationship in my opinion.