DP insists on sleeping with DSD

[Lena007]

It doesn't sit right with me.

Have been together with DP 1.5 years. He has one 8 years old DD. We live separately but there are talks about us renting together in the nearest future.

DSD is with her dad 50% of time, just various days/ times/ nights. All fine.

She is a lovely girl, we all spend some time together but most of the time she spends with DP on their own. I spend some time with her too, just the two of us to slowly build a nice relationship.

Whenever I am at DP's and stay overnight when DSD is there I am expected to sleep in the spare bedroom so they can share the bed in the master bedroom. DP calls it 'their room' ie his and DSD's. It has been going on for over 6 months.

Initially I thought, ok, she needs to adjust and settle in the new place and accept the fact her dad is in a new relationship (first relationship after he split with her mum), but that's not that. She says one day she would love to go on holiday with me and DP but of course she is having one room with dad and I can sleep in another hotel room. DP just changed subject because he had seen shock on my face.
On the same day she says to DP that she wants to sleep in the spare bedroom on her own, to which DP replied ' No. I'm never going to leave you like that ' and he insists he sleeps with her whenever she is at his. I have heard her saying it at least 3 times. They stay up late watching tv/ netflix cuddled up on the sofa then they both go to bed together. I'm sat on the second sofa and then go to bed there on my own.

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her. He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her. Then I've said it doesn't make any sense for me to stay overnight at his when she is here, I would rather be at my own place if I've to sleep on my own anyway. He says that he doesn't want to spend less time together and he wants me to be a part on their lives and be here when DSD is here too, and that he would expect me to behave like an adult, not to be jelaous and just understand and accept it because he would. I have told him I thought it was only a temp solution and in standard relationships adults sleep together instead one adult being delegated to the spare bedroom when children are here. He said that we aren't in a 'normal' relationship and will never be because he doesn't get to see his DD every day.
I would understand it if she needed to sleep with him, but no, it is him insisting on it.

He says if we rent together this will change and he will be going to sleep in DSD bedroom sometimes and I won't have to sleep in the spare room. But it still just doesn't feel right.

Aibu?

I agree with colouring’s post and was just about to post the same thought.

When asking to sleep in her own room alone he said “No. I'm never going to leave you like that”.

That sentence that stands out for me. It’s not right. It’s weird. He’s twisted.

He won’t “leave her” presumably like he was “left” broken hearted and alone by his wife?

So he’s now cast the daughter in the role of beloved wife. Who is now forced to sleep in his bed like a wife.

The daughter whom he loves very very much. What do you do with your wife you love very much in bed? You make her happy. He may think “It’s natural. Id never hurt her. She enjoys it. I love her so much”. Etc.

He would see what he wants to see.

I’m sorry but there is no other way but to tell someone this is happening to that poor little girl.

She is dependant upon your actions.

You can’t stay in a relationship with a man who thinks what he’s doing is normal and ok, even if he not sexually abusing her he is mentally abusing her by his controlling ways.

You need to be careful too in case he does blame you. If it were me I’d split up with him citing his young child and you’re not ready for that etc,

Then grass him in to whomever. If nothings happening she will be fine. If it is, you have saved her from many years of abuse.

The school or social work can presumably make like it’s something the child’s said that brought it to their attention.

[quote Lena007]@ChequerBoard

Because I believe he wouldn't hurt her and that he does something without thinking and releasing how serious it is. Maybe it is just too naive to think that [/quote]
I know, you want to see the best in people. This is a thing that happens to "other people". But please, so many of us have read what you have written and felt deeply uncomfortable. I don't think anyone has gone "actually I think this is fine".

Your instincts have told you something isn't right. Or you wouldn't have posted what you have here.

Anyone else can leave a relationship at any time for any reason. You've only been together one and a half years and you aren't living together so it's still the "getting to know each other stage".

You could just say it isn't working for you.
You could say you have decided you aren't cut out to be a stepmum.
You could make up anything. I wouldn't say it's because of his attitude towards her daughter.

Perhaps the NSPCC could advise on how you should best leave him to protect her?

It's definitely weird and I think he needs telling straight 😳

"Daddy says he won't let me sleep in my own bed. I asked him but he said he won't let me."

Hopefully she says this to a teacher or friend of a parent and some safeguarding kicks in.

OP imagine hearing a little girl you didn't know say that about their dad. What would you think of him? Think that.

@Lena007 Just make whatever 'it's not you it's me' type excuses you want. Blame it on it being a lockdown relationship a too much too soon, don't want to be a stepmom. Whatever sounds plausible. Pack up your stuff, give his key back and then change your locks.

Then approach the NSPCC and ask their advice as to how best to report your concerns. Your disclosure could be the final piece in the jigsaw puzzle.

The fact that you are worried how he will take you breaking up with him is another red flag I think.

My father was genial, funny, interesting, life of the party "salt of the earth" type NOBODY suspected what he was really like and even when I disclosed many didn't believe me including my own mother she still doesn't

I am forever grateful to those who did believe me and supported me.

I have major mh issues even now I'm almost 50 and he is no longer around.

At least a few of those I disclosed to were...well it's hard to describe. They hadn't consciously suspected but when I told them they were unsurprised as he was always extremely possessive with me. Even as a baby he didn't like other men holding me even my grandads and uncles he would get jealous. It's really fucked up!

From talking with a number of mh and abuse professionals over the years abusers tend to be very good at portraying themselves as "nice" people which of course enables them to get away with it!

There were incidents of inappropriate touching even when my mother or other "responsible adults" were in the room with us. I've since learned this too is relatively common with such abusers. They get a kick out of fooling others too.

I'm happy to share if it means abuse is stopped or prevented and another victim is not created or is helped.

In your position I honestly couldn't care less if he realised it was me reporting I'd Fucking dare him to have a go about that! What he is doing is wrong, abusive and harmful to a child that is all that matters at the end of the day.

I very much doubt the girls mother knows but even if she does and she hasn't dealt with it even more reason to get authorities involved as SOMEONE needs to look out for this poor kid.

He is at the very least ignoring her very normal need to develop as a person independent from her parents but I honestly strongly feel it is very likely either he is already sexually abusing her or is building up to doing so.

A common misconception among those with no experience/expertise in the area is that things go from 0-60mph they don't!

They start by gradually breaking down boundaries (not just the victims but the adults around them too), normalising inappropriate and unhealthy behaviours and dynamics, creating the "perfect" circumstances for abuse to occur in such a way that the victim second guesses and doubts themselves.

Eg I was never (thankfully) raped, but there doesn't have to be rape for there to be continued and sustained abuse and for it to cause lifelong damage. Personally I think the only reason I wasn't raped is because that would have left physical evidence. He was very astute in understanding this. This applied to him stopping short in other ways too, so that anything that was on my person or clothes could always be easily explained away if things reached that point. There are family photos where I look SO tense because I am steeling myself for a potential grope coming my way. I slept in my own room at home with the drawers pulled against the door so he couldn't get in while I was asleep after an incident where I awoke to find him in my room for no good reason just watching me.

So he’s now cast the daughter in the role of beloved wife. Who is now forced to sleep in his bed like a wife

This is what covert/emotional incest is.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201510/understanding-covert-incest-interview-kenneth-adams%3famp

To be clear covert incest IS a form of sexual abuse even if there's no physical abuse, but it is often a precursor to physical sexual abuse or an indication there is physical sexual abuse occurring

This is not normal. It would be more understandable if it was led by his DD but this is adult led and that is a red flag. To not let your own daughter sleep on her own in another room is at the least strange, at the worst a sign of abuse. Either way it's really not healthy.

Have you spoken directly to the daughter about it? Has she ever said anything that concerns you other than this?

I bed share with my DS6 so am not adverse to it but she's expressed that she doesn't want to anymore and he's making creepy comments. I would be off like a shot!

@Lena007 OP please OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!!

Just because YOU don't believe he'd hurt her, doesn't mean he hasn't!
A friend of mine's Dad was arrested for possession of child abuse images in 2017. He was a jolly, happy and daft man who everybody loved and fully believed was harmless. Including his wife of FOURTY SEVEN YEARS!!!! She had a breakdown from the shock of it.

Unfortunately, these situations have to based on evidence alone and not personality type or how they behave around you.

I do take this all on board and thank you all for replying. I just need to digest it, it all came on me like a ton to bricks and turned my life/ plans upside down. It is not something I was prepared for but I'm grateful for all advice.

It is difficult but I will act on it and I feel the need to protect DSD from it. She is such a lovely, kind and caring girl. I feel close with her, although we went through a phase of layality bind, she tells me a lot about both of her parents, how she likes doing stuff with both of them and how they both are caring and lovely. There was never anything unusual or concerning.

Me and DSD laid on bed just yesterday before she went back to her mum's and she kissed me and cuddled and said that she is so happy that we can spend so much time together and she loves me and can't wait until the next Friday to see me again. It actually breaks my heart.

I don't think I could be with someone where there is even slightest doubt on child abuse.

That's beyond weird and has red flags all over it 🙈 run for the hills op and do not look back

OP I think you need to have a serious talk with him

I know all 8 year old are different but if you've only been around her for 6 months and most the time she spends on her own with DH and she's only there 50/50. How much time have you actually spent with her? I find it odd she would be kissing and cuddling you and telling you she loves you but I may have misunderstood how long she's spent with you and also as I said, 8 year old vary.

To answer a few questions I remember,

When I'm with them I'm not expected to do a thing, DP does all cooking, cleaning, parenting and everything else. I do whatever I want, never problem with that, I don't feel forced to anything or used in any sense. I sometimes teach DSD maths because she struggles with it and we both enjoy it.I also join DP and DSD for weekend trips.

It is DP who left his ex girlfriend. They are still on good terms co-parenting and helping each other with DSD care/ work arrangements (although ex is quite argumentative and vocal, but this is my personal view from what DSD says and from conversations DP has with ex sometimes). He respects her and this is something I look at personally, thinking people show their true colours when you are breaking up. That's all fine on that front.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"Daddy says he won't let me sleep in my own bed. I asked him but he said he won't let me."

Hopefully she says this to a teacher or friend of a parent and some safeguarding kicks in.

OP imagine hearing a little girl you didn't know say that about their dad. What would you think of him? Think that.

How about this OP, when you hear it objectively?

There can't be anything in the spare room that can't be moved elsewhere so it can be designated as his DD's room, and referred to as such.

If you raise the subject again, and he dismisses it, I'd question him on why he has a bedroom that is assigned to him, if nobody needs to have space of their own.

@StarshipsAreMeantToFly

I have known her for 11 months. 6 months ago I have started staying overnight when DSD is there.

For 11 months I have been spending each Sunday with her - we usually go for all day trips, and some Friday and Saturday evenings. DP spends time with her during the week. He works shifts but has her all day every Friday and Sunday because her mum works on these days. Plus every second Saturday and whatever they agree between them during the week.

This is very very weird.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I would actually freeze and would seek some advice on where to report it.

It doesn't sit right with me, I can't sleep at night because it comes back to me but I wasn't sure if I'm maybe overreacting. Never came accros this in my life, so I thought I could post here hoping wise people would point me in the right direction.

@Starseeking there is hardly anything in the spare room! We had a chat on a Saturday a week ago and he said he was going to read about how/why children need their own space, so I gave him time but his time is up now and I will be asking if he had done his research and what is he now going to do about it. And as of this Friday DSD is to sleep in the other room, no compromise on that. Good point on him having his bedroom.

It is one of the two options. The second one is LTB. After reading all this im inclined to go for the second one.

You really need to report this.

'The second one is LTB. After reading all this im inclined to go for the second one.'

That would be a very wise choice

He said the full flat is DSD's and she is free to have her stuff everywhere, that means her clothes on the living room sofa, livingroom full of toys. He said she doesn't need to have her own bedroom just to sleep there and there is no point in doing it.

Two words. Michael Jackson.

I would run.

You 100% need to report this for the sake of the daughter, it won’t necessarily be obvious it was you as SS won’t disclose that information and it could easily be his ex or a teacher at her school.

Also, I think the point at which you even suspect your partner of abusing a child is when that relationship is 100% over. To be frank, in your position it’s not even a suspicion, forcing a child to sleep with you in your bed is abusive. You need to LTB and do whatever you can to protect his daughter.

Report this and then run. Run far away.