Yes!!!!! Finally!!

[Dollyparton3]

Ladies please join me in raising a celebratory glass. Maintenance payments for youngest SS end this month.

For context, ex wife hasn't worked FT since the kids were born. DH has always paid way over the odds and been alienated against ever since I've known him. Most of the abuse from Exw has been financially related.

SD used to walk into DH's house critiquing anything he'd bought because "you should be spending all your money on me" (he did). When I came along exw told the kids "ask Dolly then, she has a fancy job so she can afford it. "

She asked for maintenance to be recalculated to include my income after DH and I had been dating for only a year whilst continuing to work 3 days a week herself. (We didn't live together than, she just got a sniff of me having a good job)

For years exw has told the children in her house "no we can't afford that because your dad doesn't give me enough money". She managed to extend her house and landscape her garden though which is odd.

On top of maintenance we also pay an allowance, mobile phone contracts, we've paid all school costs, devices have been bought, trips, holidays, birthdays have been paid for etc. Cars have also been bought for both teens. ExW has still battered DH at every possible opportunity.

Quite simply she has behaved bitterly and appallingly whilst taking no responsibility for her potential to resolve things (and working part time by choice in a professional job so no excuse there). She also battled DH in court to allow him the minimal contact to get maximum maintenance. She could have given him more from the start but it paid more for her withhold contact according to the CSA. He would have seen his kids every day if he could. She even used to insist on them coming home for hobbies with her on a Sunday morning on his EOW contact.

Slate me as much as you want for this but FINALLY we're free!!!!!! We can support the kids directly (if they need our help SS has a full time job now so it won't be needed) and the non co-parenting, call DH when it suits her but tell the kids he's useless, money grabbing,lazy, manipulative witch is no longer part of our budget.

@Dollyparton3

😭😭
If SS moves in here we're very much of the mind that we'll charge "pin money" to get him used to it then bank it for his first home furnishing or similar.

My mum did this for me and I cried when she told me and gave me the cash. It's such a thoughtful thing to do and it helped me on the ladder. Still grateful to this day !!

Thanks @Dollyparton3 I'm definitely on the count down.

I also believe in karma and when I've had bad days my best friend has often reminded me I am incredibly lucky to only need to rely on myself, that nobody is going to take away half my income when my child turns 18 and I can take great pride in having worked for everything I've got. I've funded dp in the past because the majority of his income was going to his ex and child.

I understand he should support him, and that's fine. If he didn't I'd not be happy, but sometimes it takes the bloody biscuit.

When I met him, he was renting the spare room in his friends house, paying the full mortgage on a house he wasn't allowed in, and paying maintenance and everything on top. He literally had nothing left at the end of the month and he was at his wits end. Tried to sell the house, she agreed then took it off the market three days later. Told everyone he was making her homeless but there was enough equity that they both could have bought something.
In the end he walked away with a tiny % of the equity because she said it was that or never see his son again.

She kicked dss out for a period of time as mentioned above, and we got the grand total of £26 a week in maintenance, and no extras. It was funny because it actually cost us less for him to live with us FT!

@Getyourarseofffthequattro very very similar!

Abs the statement about the child costing less to live with you than you'd pay in maintenance rings very true.

I think we cleared DH's divorce debts about 4 years into us getting together. He was always into his overdraft every month and had a £10k + legal fee sat on a 0% credit card. For no reason at all other than because she held the kids to ransom when he left. There were no 3rd parties involved. His circumstances meant that he would have happily been able to have the kids so much more than EOW. But she just held out. When SD stopped talking to him the exw asked for more money even though the final nail in the coffin was due to her undermining very basic parental protection and making DH out to be the bad guy.

I'm childless myself so I've often wondered where these women end up. My Father is a full blown narc and we've always had a very strained relationship. The lovely bit is that SS did something today that we knew happened in real time and he phoned me first to find out if I knew about it. Not even DH! And he just smiled at how touched I was by the call. No agenda, no animosity, just very human appreciation of the nurturing relationship we have

[quote Dollyparton3]@Getyourarseofffthequattro very very similar!

Abs the statement about the child costing less to live with you than you'd pay in maintenance rings very true.

I think we cleared DH's divorce debts about 4 years into us getting together. He was always into his overdraft every month and had a £10k + legal fee sat on a 0% credit card. For no reason at all other than because she held the kids to ransom when he left. There were no 3rd parties involved. His circumstances meant that he would have happily been able to have the kids so much more than EOW. But she just held out. When SD stopped talking to him the exw asked for more money even though the final nail in the coffin was due to her undermining very basic parental protection and making DH out to be the bad guy.

I'm childless myself so I've often wondered where these women end up. My Father is a full blown narc and we've always had a very strained relationship. The lovely bit is that SS did something today that we knew happened in real time and he phoned me first to find out if I knew about it. Not even DH! And he just smiled at how touched I was by the call. No agenda, no animosity, just very human appreciation of the nurturing relationship we have [/quote]
It's crazy isn't it. That's lovely about DSS. I used to be close with my dss especially when he lived here, and him and ds had a lovely relationship. He really misses him, it makes me incredibly sad.

His mother is incredibly bitter and twisted. I hope he realises in time. I don't know whether he will though because she's manipulative and she's very clever with it. Grown adults believe her so why wouldn't he.

When he turns 18, well the sept after, I don't know how financially she'll cope and frankly I don't care. She owes dp a small % of equity when dss turns 18 and I doubt he'll get that without a fight.

Tbh I just couldn't be arsed. She's spent the last almost 10 years so focused on trying to upset us that she's forgot to live her own life.

This is us this year-only another 5 years until we don’t have to pay another penny
She’s put us through hell and back more times than I care to admit-splashing the cash on them while claiming we have never paid a penny (which isn’t true and we have the bank statements to prove it)
Screaming at us that I should pay for them too and stop paying for my own kids ‘who can pay for themselves’ (similar ages)
We told her that as from this month we don’t have to pay anymore for the eldest and she hit the roof-don’t we know that we have to pay for the rest of her life?!
Tough tits-she made her bed and she can lay in it-she refused to get a job 5 years ago-it’s coming back to bite her on the arse

My DPs ex claims he doesn’t see the kids so he pays as if he doesn’t see them, he has them two nights a week and all school holidays, which adds up to the equivalent of 3.25 nights a week, therefore almost 50:50. He’s tried to fight it so many times unsuccessfully.

In the past he paid half for uniforms, school trips and hobbies. Last year he sent £200 towards a school trip which he later found out DSD didn’t go on and his ex kept the money. He also paid £200 for his half of the school uniforms and then found out his ex took them all back for a refund after showing receipts and the kids wore their cousins old uniforms instead.

His kids are brainwashed into thinking we are rich and their mum is poor because he took all of the money when he left - he kept his car and his own clothes, she kept the house while he had to get a rental and furnish it from scratch, along with all new toys and clothes.

He paid £450 a month up until being made redundant which then dropped to £28 a month until he got back on his feet 5 months later. I paid for everything for the kids at our house during this time. There was no spare cash to pay any extra, and I would have refused anyway because of the lies about how often we have them.

His ex is now telling the kids that we owe her money because we took their food money when Daddy didn’t want to work. We travelled to Wales for a funeral for two nights and she’s told them we have fancy holidays without them. We’ve not had a holiday in three years because of money, she went to Egypt for two weeks with her partner and his kids last year and is currently in Greece with them while we have the kids.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
She's spent the last almost 10 years so focused on trying to upset us that she's forgot to live her own life.

Thank you for this! DH has a few more years yet before we shall see the end of his ExP's complete and utter fuckwittery. DH has put boundaries in place so she no longer impacts us in the same way but she still occasionally comes up with some absolute gems. The thought that in the meantime she has clearly forgotten to live her own life will give me great comfort going forward.

Gives me comfort too @livinthedreamnot

Once what's done is done, we can get on with our lives and they will be left wondering what the fuck there's has turned into.

@Boredhimtodeath

My DPs ex claims he doesn’t see the kids so he pays as if he doesn’t see them, he has them two nights a week and all school holidays, which adds up to the equivalent of 3.25 nights a week, therefore almost 50:50. He’s tried to fight it so many times unsuccessfully.

In the past he paid half for uniforms, school trips and hobbies. Last year he sent £200 towards a school trip which he later found out DSD didn’t go on and his ex kept the money. He also paid £200 for his half of the school uniforms and then found out his ex took them all back for a refund after showing receipts and the kids wore their cousins old uniforms instead.

His kids are brainwashed into thinking we are rich and their mum is poor because he took all of the money when he left - he kept his car and his own clothes, she kept the house while he had to get a rental and furnish it from scratch, along with all new toys and clothes.

He paid £450 a month up until being made redundant which then dropped to £28 a month until he got back on his feet 5 months later. I paid for everything for the kids at our house during this time. There was no spare cash to pay any extra, and I would have refused anyway because of the lies about how often we have them.

His ex is now telling the kids that we owe her money because we took their food money when Daddy didn’t want to work. We travelled to Wales for a funeral for two nights and she’s told them we have fancy holidays without them. We’ve not had a holiday in three years because of money, she went to Egypt for two weeks with her partner and his kids last year and is currently in Greece with them while we have the kids.

A familiar story. In our case a relative of the exw offers to sell one of the kids their first car. We were paying for it. The price of the car went up by £500 (also above market value) the day she went to pick it up. SC was on the phone in tears because they'd geared up to collect the car that day and we couldn't negotiate with anyone.

We paid it though gritted teeth in the end

Congratulations Dollyparton3 !! It's a great feeling! It was our last CMS payment this month, now transferred to my DSD's account instead as she's going to Uni. My husband changed the CMS reference to the ex's account to 'FINAL PAYMENT' ha!

@Bluebell878275

Congratulations Dollyparton3 !! It's a great feeling! It was our last CMS payment this month, now transferred to my DSD's account instead as she's going to Uni. My husband changed the CMS reference to the ex's account to 'FINAL PAYMENT' ha!

Congratulations to you too!!!! It really is.

This is us in a year's time and I seriously cannot wait!

Ex wife on the other hand, is very obviously already dreading this and has started nailing my DH for every bit she can manipulate before it all stops.

The most recent example is that Sd recently bought her first car, which luckily my DH helped sort. She then called us and asked us to pay her tax and insurance for the first year. Apparently her mum suggested this would "be a nice thing" for us to do, even though Sd has a job and ex wife hasn't contributed a penny to Sds car or running costs.

@Frankola

This is us in a year's time and I seriously cannot wait!

Ex wife on the other hand, is very obviously already dreading this and has started nailing my DH for every bit she can manipulate before it all stops.

The most recent example is that Sd recently bought her first car, which luckily my DH helped sort. She then called us and asked us to pay her tax and insurance for the first year. Apparently her mum suggested this would "be a nice thing" for us to do, even though Sd has a job and ex wife hasn't contributed a penny to Sds car or running costs.

Ah the moral high ground moves of an ex wife telling you what she thinks "would be nice". We had bucketloads of this. It's a very passive aggressive way of making you look like a heartless arsehole whilst a halo hovers over her head for suggesting it.

It's as though these women think this sort of talk washes in modern society and people can't see through it!

Ah the moral high ground moves of an ex wife telling you what she thinks "would be nice".

DH has had this so many times!

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm do you know what we do, we do a "ah your so right, (pause) actually I know your mum would feel awful if we paid for it all and took all the glory, so let's let her take this one otherwise it would be completely one sided and that wouldn't be nice at all - gotta let mum have the limelight to"

Said with a smile and very genuine voice and SC are thrilled with the thought of not leaving mum out, ands a dammed hard one for her to wriggle out of.

Celebratory^^ for you op

Totally get "... she's forgotten to live her own life". Thank God you're free my love!

Oh my God I am aghast at these stories and so glad no one has come along to try and defend the indefensible, as so often happens on these threads. The default position in society - evidence such as yours to the contrary - is that mothers always put their children's interests first and that fathers generally try to wriggle out of their responsibilities. It is so unfair. I know a few a Grade A bitches whose desire to get one over on their exes far outweigh their care for their children. Equally I feel bad sometimes for my ex with whom I co-parent 50/50 when people default to me as The Parent. Mothers are not saints, they are people who happen to have given birth and they do as variable a job at it as is involved in most human endeavour. Myself included

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@IWasBornInAThunderstorm do you know what we do, we do a "ah your so right, (pause) actually I know your mum would feel awful if we paid for it all and took all the glory, so let's let her take this one otherwise it would be completely one sided and that wouldn't be nice at all - gotta let mum have the limelight to"

Said with a smile and very genuine voice and SC are thrilled with the thought of not leaving mum out, ands a dammed hard one for her to wriggle out of.[/quote]
Perfect! thanks 😊

Similar story here.

Ex wife has worked part time for 3 months in 28 years! Been divorced 15 years.

Not paid for anything nor done much of the donkey work of parenting. I have never met anyone so lazy!

Dp has made his last maintenance payment.

She's selling her house (to live off the proceeds) and moving in with the latest boyfriend rather than get a job.

Youngest DSD has effectively been kicked out now there's no money coming in for her anymore.

But hey, she's a mother of 4 and therefore deserves a medal. 🙄 The real hard work having been done by DP and I with the long work hours AND all the running around for the kids whilst she swans around being "an artist" or a "writer" or whatever bollocks she's putting on social media this week.

@TheRedHen2

Similar story here.

Ex wife has worked part time for 3 months in 28 years! Been divorced 15 years.

Not paid for anything nor done much of the donkey work of parenting. I have never met anyone so lazy!

Dp has made his last maintenance payment.

She's selling her house (to live off the proceeds) and moving in with the latest boyfriend rather than get a job.

Youngest DSD has effectively been kicked out now there's no money coming in for her anymore.

But hey, she's a mother of 4 and therefore deserves a medal. 🙄 The real hard work having been done by DP and I with the long work hours AND all the running around for the kids whilst she swans around being "an artist" or a "writer" or whatever bollocks she's putting on social media this week.

I want to come back in my next life as someone who embraces doing not very much very well.

Ironically there's not much at all that she does very well. You'd think with all the time in the world you'd master something. Cooking, gardening, decorating, reading, writing, flower arranging... none of these. The teens have told me over the years that their house hasn't been touched "since dad left" over a decade ago. The garden is just lawn and "mums cooking is really basic".

What comes of all that free time then?

I have heard a lot from the kids over the years of how "good" Mum does something.

She'll cook one dish amazingly but then feed crap the rest of the time.

She's very good at being a 5 minute wonder on everything.

So loads of photos on social media of flowers in the garden etc but then 6 months later when she's noted the garden is just left to rack and ruin.

I think she's so insecure she needs constant approval. The dull everyday stuff doesn't give her that.

@TheRedHen2

I have heard a lot from the kids over the years of how "good" Mum does something.

She'll cook one dish amazingly but then feed crap the rest of the time.

She's very good at being a 5 minute wonder on everything.

So loads of photos on social media of flowers in the garden etc but then 6 months later when she's noted the garden is just left to rack and ruin.

I think she's so insecure she needs constant approval. The dull everyday stuff doesn't give her that.

It's that golden uterus concept I think. Our exw has always held the kids up as joint weapon and manipulation tool whilst never ever putting herself out to co-parent. She only ever drove the kids to ours when we moved in together, (came in for a nose around the house) she doesn't even cook a Sunday roast, her parents do every week.

But regardless of the state of her home, lack of effort or reluctance to get involved when the tricky parenting has needed doing "I'll let your dad deal with that, I don't understand it really" she's still Mum and as a result the universe owes her gratitude and respect for birthing two children.

My db's ex got the house(mortgage free), and he paid good maintenance until the dc finished university. Every bonus he gave ex half to take the dc on holiday, she never did so he used his half to take them.
When the youngest started uni my db said he would give him the maintenance directly but his ex said if he did then she wouldn't allow her ds home in the holidays.
She's a bully and always will be.

the leaf - no one would defend behaviour like this. My Ex experiences this with the OW, with whom he has a child and has now split up from.
It has been an eye opener for me to see the pay to see attitude, he has to pay for her holidays, absolutely everything on top of a maintenance payment which is 3 times what I get for 2 etc etc etc and the absolute manipulation of a young child. Luckily, child gets it but when things come out of his mouth about both his father and I ( we are not back together) you realise how easy it is to alienate.

The irony that he failed to pay for a year for my 2 when he first moved out is not lost on me!

However, the majority of fathers do not pay maintenance and it is worth remembering their are extremes of all behaviour on everyside of this equation.

Personally, I would have sold my body rather than ask my EX for monies in the first few years - pride would not have let me ask him anything - I knew the answer would have been no - so no point and I maintained my pride.

Enjoy OP - I know my EX is counting down the days!

My DH’s ex wife keeps taking him to tribunal over CMS. No matter what is decided, she appeals for more. My DH does all of the travel (700 miles per month) but applies for no variation because of this. So we also spend around £200 per month in fuel. Eventually it all seemed settled but she hates Direct Pay and asked CMS to move him back onto Collect Pay. They refused the request so she closed her bank account without telling him. The moment that the first payment bounced, she had him moved back. He now pays about £2,500 a year in fees, and has been for several years. The children still believe their dad doesn’t pay anything for them. We’ve given up trying to convince them that he does.

He bought her out of their old house. The judge divided it 70/30 in her favour but she told the children that daddy has never given her the money. They still believe that now and they think that I “stole” all of their mum’s stuff too. It makes me feel shit but I shrug it off.

We’re awaiting our next tribunal date now. This time it’s because I have a new car - it’s a company car, perk of my job but she doesn’t believe it. She thinks he’s hiding money.

Having to bite your tongue about money is a huge part of being the second wife. Especially because I never want the children to think I am annoyed about “how much they cost” or that money is more important than them. Our CMS headache will continue for about 13 more years. Only 13 more 200 mile round trips to sit in pointless tribunals.

I try not to think about it. I wouldn’t want to be with a man that doesn’t pay for his children. And frankly, the system is broken. Lots of mums don’t receive enough. We’re only able to afford to make decent payments because we have such good jobs and we’re fortunate enough to own our own home.

Strictly speaking, it’s not the amount of money, but all of the stress involved. I think things would be easier if she were employed. I think that things will get very nasty when we finally stop making the payments to her, because she is really reliant on it as her main income.