Yes!!!!! Finally!!

[Dollyparton3]

Ladies please join me in raising a celebratory glass. Maintenance payments for youngest SS end this month.

For context, ex wife hasn't worked FT since the kids were born. DH has always paid way over the odds and been alienated against ever since I've known him. Most of the abuse from Exw has been financially related.

SD used to walk into DH's house critiquing anything he'd bought because "you should be spending all your money on me" (he did). When I came along exw told the kids "ask Dolly then, she has a fancy job so she can afford it. "

She asked for maintenance to be recalculated to include my income after DH and I had been dating for only a year whilst continuing to work 3 days a week herself. (We didn't live together than, she just got a sniff of me having a good job)

For years exw has told the children in her house "no we can't afford that because your dad doesn't give me enough money". She managed to extend her house and landscape her garden though which is odd.

On top of maintenance we also pay an allowance, mobile phone contracts, we've paid all school costs, devices have been bought, trips, holidays, birthdays have been paid for etc. Cars have also been bought for both teens. ExW has still battered DH at every possible opportunity.

Quite simply she has behaved bitterly and appallingly whilst taking no responsibility for her potential to resolve things (and working part time by choice in a professional job so no excuse there). She also battled DH in court to allow him the minimal contact to get maximum maintenance. She could have given him more from the start but it paid more for her withhold contact according to the CSA. He would have seen his kids every day if he could. She even used to insist on them coming home for hobbies with her on a Sunday morning on his EOW contact.

Slate me as much as you want for this but FINALLY we're free!!!!!! We can support the kids directly (if they need our help SS has a full time job now so it won't be needed) and the non co-parenting, call DH when it suits her but tell the kids he's useless, money grabbing,lazy, manipulative witch is no longer part of our budget.

Good for you, it sounds like you really needed to get that out 💐

Congratulations @Dollyparton3.
Hope you guys cracked open the bubbly.

Supporting the DSC directly is great.

Congratulations

Congratulations!!!

Congratulations!!!!

Nice one, it’s a great feeling!

No name from me, that time has come to bite her. I have an acquaintance in a similar situation. She was so smug about how great her single life was. She got £1500 in maintenance and the marriage house mortgage free. I was a single mum, working FT, receiving no maintenance, earning just over the threshold to be entitled to nothing.

The youngest is now 18, going to Uni, and that's the end of all the maintenance she is receiving. She feels very sorry for herself. She'd hope to meet someone and marry by now, but she separated from her latest boyfriend last year. She refuses to work and now signs on for depression and anxiety. She made it clear years ago that she would never go to work because it wasn't the life she imagined for herself.

A part of me feels sorry for her, but I then remember how smug and arrogant she was and it goes. I don't blame you for feeling relief that time has come and to be able to help the kids directly knowing that it will fully benefit them.

Just to add, it's a great feeling both ways. Although I remarried, I have always fully supported my kids, without any maintenance from their dad for 17 years. It's such a nice feeling to have had to dread, rebudget, or worry that I'm about to lose maintenance because it's never made a difference to me. I feel proud to have supported our children alone and never relied on his money.

Excellent. I hope her kids see through her, they usually do.

Horray!

@vivainsomnia I always wondered what the plan was once both kids hit 18, I'm not sure there is one other than charging rent from the kids now. (It's already been mentioned to SS)

It's sad when the dad who has always paid maintenance ++ is roasted by the ex regardless . I've always felt for him, and as much as he loves his kids neither of them were discussed or planned, the first pregnancy within months of meeting her.

The entitlement of the woman has had me raging sometimes. DH and I consider the family pot as joint and of course when I came along we had more money to do family stuff with. He was barely covering his bills before I arrived, now two incomes and no kids of my own meant we both helped with the costs and the kids got more.

Exw told the kids I was flexing my money muscles when we all went away for the weekend and made it a "poor me" episode. The extension of her house had only just finished(!)

Congratulations! I hope this is a positive step for your relations with both the Ex (even if positive means there doesn’t need to be one!) and with the step children when they see what normal emotional and financial support your husband is prepared to give them directly - like a normal father at this stage in their lives.

Can I ask, how old is SS (end of uni? End of school?) and has Ex-W said anything about the amount of $ stopping coming to her? It sounds like it represents a lot of her budget, so presumably she is not as pleased. Has she said anything?!?

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

Congratulations! I hope this is a positive step for your relations with both the Ex (even if positive means there doesn’t need to be one!) and with the step children when they see what normal emotional and financial support your husband is prepared to give them directly - like a normal father at this stage in their lives.

Can I ask, how old is SS (end of uni? End of school?) and has Ex-W said anything about the amount of $ stopping coming to her? It sounds like it represents a lot of her budget, so presumably she is not as pleased. Has she said anything?!?

SS is end of school and going on to a job with training so that's very unambiguous thankfully.

The exw has corresponded with DH on the last payment and he's definitely off the hook for maintenance, the exw hasn't acknowledged it but knowing what we know of her, she knows. She's also been mentioning to SS for months that he's going to be expected to "make up the shortfall" in their house.

I expect SS to move in here by the end of this year. He'd be welcome to as well

This is fantastic OP I'm thrilled for you. I hope he does move in with you. Make up the shortfall! I know it's a bit out there but did she ever consider earning more?

@Dollyparton3

The last part of your latest update made me smile. It's lovely to see that ex won't be getting anymore money by hook or by crook or in this case by DH or DSS.

Congratulations and let's be frank here, the kids must see it now for what it is and has been all along with the ex ?

I wonder if she will just think if she refuses to acknowledge it , the money will just keep coming in ?

Honestly good for you both !

Will raise a glass to you later We have another couple of years left of maintenance payments for DSC who has been well and totally alienated from us to the point where contact is now nil. DH had to reduce his (very generous) maintenance during the 2nd lockdown and got so much grief for it it was unbelievable - yet mum won’t increase her work hours or look for a higher paid job (I do realise lockdown wasn’t a great time to try to change jobs, this has been ongoing since DSC went to secondary school a few years ago), so I totally get where you are coming from.

Congratulations. We are in a similar situation although ex has now almost successfully poisoned dss against us. He was living with us until not long before lockdown and she convinced him to move back with her (just as her older child turned 18 and her UC was subsequently lowered).

He now gets in touch when he wants something. We've got two more years. Similarly she thinks we are made of money and we've paid over the odds the whole time. Maintenance plus allowance, all school trips (not our half, all!), School uniform, bus fair, anything basically. She even asks us to pay half of his bday preents from her.

And the whole time she's been a complete and utter twat to us and I cannot wait to wash my hands of her in 2023.

Of course if dss needs support directly, we'll do that, although clearly he will need to re open proper communication with us first.

@Honeymare

This is fantastic OP I'm thrilled for you. I hope he does move in with you. Make up the shortfall! I know it's a bit out there but did she ever consider earning more?

I don't think she did. It's baffled me for years. To be clear, she's had the earning potential, it wasn't like there was a skills gap or period out of work. I do think that when she does go back to work full time it's going to be relatively easy for her but she chose not to.

And thanks!

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Dollyparton3

The last part of your latest update made me smile. It's lovely to see that ex won't be getting anymore money by hook or by crook or in this case by DH or DSS.

Congratulations and let's be frank here, the kids must see it now for what it is and has been all along with the ex ?

I wonder if she will just think if she refuses to acknowledge it , the money will just keep coming in ?

Honestly good for you both !

[/quote]
Thank you. I see so many maintenance bashing threads on here but DH has always gone so far beyond, and there have been times when I've paid if we've had an unexpected car repair or needed to bump cash into the holiday fund. It's definitely a forgone conclusion now.

If SS moves in here we're very much of the mind that we'll charge "pin money" to get him used to it then bank it for his first home furnishing or similar.

@Cantthinkofabettername

Will raise a glass to you later We have another couple of years left of maintenance payments for DSC who has been well and totally alienated from us to the point where contact is now nil. DH had to reduce his (very generous) maintenance during the 2nd lockdown and got so much grief for it it was unbelievable - yet mum won’t increase her work hours or look for a higher paid job (I do realise lockdown wasn’t a great time to try to change jobs, this has been ongoing since DSC went to secondary school a few years ago), so I totally get where you are coming from.

I feel for you and not long to go now. I started the countdown a couple of years back as well. SD has no contact with her Dad and he's had such a hard time with it (all due to the alienation) .

It's shocking to think of the role modelling that's in play in these situations

Congrats OP. I cant wait for the day we're maintenance free to the ex. .. max of 3 long years... but will be so much easier supporting SC direct.

That’s so great for you.

My OH has another 3 + 6 years. I can’t wait. The kids will be both over 18 and there will be absolutely no reason to have her in our lives.

He’s always paid way over the CMS calculation and for other things - uniforms, trips, etc etc. He was paying £800 a month and she refused to get a job (kids were in secondary school) and kids came over and said ‘mummy said you are a shit dad and don’t pay anything for us’. Nothing is ever good enough. Apparently his ‘pathetic contribution’ hardly feeds the children.

The alienation has gone on for years.

I can’t wait until she gets f*ck all and has to start being an independent adult.

Wishing you all the best.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Congratulations. We are in a similar situation although ex has now almost successfully poisoned dss against us. He was living with us until not long before lockdown and she convinced him to move back with her (just as her older child turned 18 and her UC was subsequently lowered).

He now gets in touch when he wants something. We've got two more years. Similarly she thinks we are made of money and we've paid over the odds the whole time. Maintenance plus allowance, all school trips (not our half, all!), School uniform, bus fair, anything basically. She even asks us to pay half of his bday preents from her.

And the whole time she's been a complete and utter twat to us and I cannot wait to wash my hands of her in 2023.

Of course if dss needs support directly, we'll do that, although clearly he will need to re open proper communication with us first.

Wow. I'll raise a glass for you later.

We've been the same. SS got no allowance from his mum so we paid that + phone contracts, all school stuff and every year we heard "mum says you two need to take us on holiday because she only has one income abs you have 2. I can't remember when I signed onto financially supporting him 10 years before I met DH but my motto has been that I'm enraged by the brass neck of it all.

I believe in karma. We've always smiled and waited for it to end. There's always been a clock ticking on the whole situation

@NorthernSpirit

That’s so great for you.

My OH has another 3 + 6 years. I can’t wait. The kids will be both over 18 and there will be absolutely no reason to have her in our lives.

He’s always paid way over the CMS calculation and for other things - uniforms, trips, etc etc. He was paying £800 a month and she refused to get a job (kids were in secondary school) and kids came over and said ‘mummy said you are a shit dad and don’t pay anything for us’. Nothing is ever good enough. Apparently his ‘pathetic contribution’ hardly feeds the children.

The alienation has gone on for years.

I can’t wait until she gets f*ck all and has to start being an independent adult.

Wishing you all the best.

Exactly my sentiments! I couldn't wait for her to not hang over our lives.

The nerve of having family childcare on tap (grandparents live close by) and not even allowing them to help with after school etc shocks me. When the kids were getting the bus by themselves to school she was still only working 16 hours a week. All the time telling the kids what a selfish man my DH was.

Neither of the kids were allowed to go to after school clubs. I suspect it was too much hard work because we offered to pay for every club going and tried to work on a mutual taxi plan. It was just a flat no from her. We recently paid for summer coaching for one of them and he said it was the best 2 weeks of his life.

We found out 2 years ago that one of the kids missed out on a major school trip. He was told not to ask us about it. I can only imagine that us paying for it would have lost her brownie points. DH had been removed from school comma so we didn't know any different.