DSS (7) no table manners

[LittleBiscuit09]

Hi all,

I have one child (11), DH has two children (10 and 7)

The 7 year old has no table manners, he will regularly take food from peoples plates without asking. It doesn't matter how often we've tried to address this it doesn't stop. Twice in the space of 5 minutes in one meal.

Children are well fed, so no hungry from mums house etc. Older one doesn't do it. I'm at a loss what we can try.

It's embarrassing in restaurants, and I have an anxiety disorder around food, which means when he has taken food from my plate (ninja hands) I then can not eat the remainder of my dinner. It's causing issues because I don't want to go out when they're with us because of it. Which is unfair on them.

Is there any tried and true methods to stop this behaviour and get to the bottom of the cause?

Tia

What are the consequences when he does this?

I would make sure you don't sit next to him
Reminder before every meal
What happens currently when he does this?

Stab his hand with your fork if he tries to go near your food - he'll soon learn! 😬

Omg he would get stabbed by a fork if he did it to me.
What does his father say/do when he does this?
What does his father say to you when you are unable to eat the remainder of your meal?

Remind him at the start of the meal ‘please don’t take food from other peoples plates without asking first’ and just don’t sit next to him.

Deal with this at home before going out for meals.

Does he take food after he's finished his own or while he still has his own?

If it's once he's finished, it may be that he's still hungry.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 😂😂

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Stab his hand with your fork if he tries to go near your food - he'll soon learn! 😬

Touch my food, feel my fork!

He needs repercussions

Dad can sit by him and deal with it

Your DH needs to set expectations when you all sit down for dinner.

I'm with you, my dinner would be ruined if someone ate from my plate.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 idea would then be my next course of action.

He is reminded before the meal. And during the meal. It doesn't help.

It can be either when he's finished or while he is mid meal. If it's something someone else has that he wants he will just reach over and take it.

This is with me not sitting next to him. He takes off everyone.

DH reminds him but we have a difference of opinion on patenting. He took something off my plate, I think it was an onion ring. I took hold of his wrist and told him to drop it. He did. Then DH looked sheepish. Told him not to take food and then gave him the onion ring that he had just taken.

I'm curious if it's me.

You have a DH problem

Have you had help about your anxiety?

Someone taking an onion ring means you can't eat any of the food they haven't touched? That's surely a bigger issue than 7 year old pinching a chip.

Did he have onion rings himself left on his plate?

He's old enough to understand you ask but could you cook a couple of extra and encourage him to ask for leftovers rather than taking off peoples plates? So he doesn't feel like he's missing out maybe?

I'd be sitting him so he can't reach anyone else's plate, and having a word with your DH who is letting him get away with it.

Make a ‘social story’ for him. Keep it Very simple.
These can really work very well when words don’t seem to be going in.

He really needs to stop doing this as he'll really annoy other people if he keeps doing it as he gets older. It's not different parenting styles, it's basic manners under any parenting style. You need to get really firm with him. One big upset might do the trick

Your DH told him not to do it, then gave him your onion ring anyway? You definitely have a DH problem. I would refuse to eat meals with the child until he starts behaving, and your DH parents properly.

Give him one last chance,(somewhere cheap). Explain if he touches anyone elses's food or plate he will be taken straight out of the restaurant. Then follow through. Keep him outside for the rest of meal, without his food, and with DH to ram the point home.

However, not everyone has the same view on sharing food as you do..for lots of families it is completely normal to share, and to take food from each other's plates. He may be allowed, or even encouraged to do this at his Mum's. So don't assume it's bad manner, it's just different manners. The issue is, though, that he's been asked not to do it, and reminded, and is still carrying on.

@LittleBiscuit09

He is reminded before the meal. And during the meal. It doesn't help.

It can be either when he's finished or while he is mid meal. If it's something someone else has that he wants he will just reach over and take it.

This is with me not sitting next to him. He takes off everyone.

DH reminds him but we have a difference of opinion on patenting. He took something off my plate, I think it was an onion ring. I took hold of his wrist and told him to drop it. He did. Then DH looked sheepish. Told him not to take food and then gave him the onion ring that he had just taken.

I'm curious if it's me.

No, you have a DH problem. He undermined you while you issued your verdict on his son taking YOUR food. I would have taken the onion ring back to make a point. He is absolutely NOT to do this again. Make a stand.

Pinch his food, then use the fork when he tries to get it back

To try and divert the issue slightly...is there scope for a plate of "spare" food ie anything that would otherwise be second-helpings, to be visible on a side-table or in the kitchen, to remove the need for DSS to take stuff from other people's plates? Assuming this is "just" about attention or even about wanting more food...there is then no reason to thieve off other people's plates.

Having said that I agree with others that this is a DH problem, I had similar with my DSD who was always allowed to choose the cafe for everyone else's lunch on the basis that she was the most difficult one to feed...resulted in us walking miles up and down the high street on holiday rejecting perfectly acceptable places until I realised what was going on and put a stop to it; turned out it had become "normal" in the family and everyone had been doing it for years, even leaving restaurants they had sat down in when she couldn't find what she wanted on the menu...

So don't assume it's bad manner, it's just different manners.

Aren’t some things just universally bad manners though? Plus as you’ve said, he’s been asked not to do it (multiple times) yet he continues to do so.

I would have been furious about the onion ring! Is he worse in restaurants or is it pretty much the same wherever you are?

This is odd behaviour. Maybe he has a strange emotional relationship to food. Has your OH/you tried to say to him that if he wants to try something that someone else has offer, he needs to ask and then they will share a bit of it, but if he takes it, it will be taken away from him and he will have none of it.