DSS (7) no table manners

[LittleBiscuit09]

Hi all,

I have one child (11), DH has two children (10 and 7)

The 7 year old has no table manners, he will regularly take food from peoples plates without asking. It doesn't matter how often we've tried to address this it doesn't stop. Twice in the space of 5 minutes in one meal.

Children are well fed, so no hungry from mums house etc. Older one doesn't do it. I'm at a loss what we can try.

It's embarrassing in restaurants, and I have an anxiety disorder around food, which means when he has taken food from my plate (ninja hands) I then can not eat the remainder of my dinner. It's causing issues because I don't want to go out when they're with us because of it. Which is unfair on them.

Is there any tried and true methods to stop this behaviour and get to the bottom of the cause?

Tia

Awwww you're no fun - what's wrong with a bit of fork stabbing?!

So many answers I'm reading on here make me really sad about where society is heading. Absolutely useless, shit parents who have no control over children, don't expect even the most basic of manners (and not stealing is pretty high up there 'manners' wise) and who think that discipline is an antiquated concept.

Never in a million years would I allow that child to touch my plate and keep the spoils. I have no eating issues nor anxiety but even I would be put off my dinner after a kids grubby little fingers had been on it. OP you were absolutely in the right grabbing the child's wrist but you should not have allowed your DH to give him back the pilfered food. That would have made me so angry, how dare he?!

I'd bat this one back to your DH. His child, his issue to solve.

In the meantime, I would sit myself away from everyone at mealtimes when he's there so I wasn't impacted by the behaviour and could enjoy my food in peace.

I would have lost my shit by now. How have you not yet snapped at him and your useless DH? Stormed out? I'm a very calm person but if this had the MH consequences you describe, I would be advocating for myself forcefully.

My (now) 15 YO SD has appalling manners.

Examples include, eating EVERYTHING with her hands (including brand on toast), grabbing food from serving plates with her hands (instead of using the serving spoons), eating with her mouth open, speaking with a mouth full of food.

I find it really revolting and have asked her dad to address it. It works for a day here and then she goes home and it starts again.

My coping strategies are - I don’t sit opposite so I can’t see it and I now refuse to eat out (as I find it so embarrassing).

I’m not her parents. It’s up to her parents to teach her this isn’t acceptable.

Beans not brand…..

Id start grabbing food off his plate. See how he reacts then go from there.

I would probably deal with this by making sure he knows if he does it, his food goes to the kitchen, he leaves the table and finishes eating when everyone else has finished. Should learn pretty quickly.

He doesn’t get to go do something fun whilst he waits either. He sits, no tv/phone/tablet and waits. When everyone else has finished, he can then eat. This will get boring very quickly.

Telling him obviously isn’t working and he isn’t listening so he needs a consequence. Something he doesn’t like.

OP what does he say when asked why, or told off?

And what are the consequences? Because giving him the onion ring just reinforces the behaviour.

I don't think you would be overstepping the mark if you were to teach him table manners.
I would actually give him a proper lesson. Make it fun and not at mealtime. At 7 he will be receptive to learn. It sounds to me like he has never actually been taught table manners . And your DH should be there too, it sounds like he could learn too.
It won't hurt him to know the rules. In fact you will be doing him a big favour - table manners are a social skill and are important.
Don't let him end up like my FIL who manages to piss everyone off every time he comes for tea.

So. Two things.

My 10 year old has impulse control issues related to ADHD. He has been guilty of this in the past. Patient assertion of the boundary with a direct consequence that is both immediate and not punitive every time helped him learn. "DS2 we do not touch anyone else's food. Please take two minutes Away from the table to reflect on your actions".

You are an adult with disordered eating. You have no business eating around a child requiring empathy, patience and stable guidance around learning table etiquette.

Leave this to his parents. Eat separately or as far from him as you can whilat ensuring your aren't passing along your issues with food.

This sounds like attention-seeking: he has worked out that this behaviour will always get a reaction; but not a sufficiently negative one for him to stop doing it.

Do you "plate" food or do you put serving dishes on the table? If you do the latter then everyone will have to model saying "please may I have" and serving themselves, as well as offering things to other people. Taking food for himself will lose its naughtiness and thus its appeal. If he still just takes food, from individual plates or from serving dishes without asking first, I would have his father issue a stern warning the first time then send him away from the table for any repeat offence: it must be his father rather than you-the child has clearly worked out that this behaviour winds you up

I 100% understand your anxiety. I had similar. I couldn't eat food if someone else had touched it, though it wouldn't stop me eating the rest of the meal to be fair.

My teenage DSS was quite cruel with my issues, and if I'd made a roast dinner or something like that he would touch all the pigs in blankets, meaning I then couldn't have any.

I've now had help and am on medication (it was about more than food, obviously) and it was the best feeling in the fucking world when he tried it after I'd made a roast dinner and I just looked him in the eye and ate the pig in blanket. Horrible little bully.

Wonder how he gets on at school? Or at friends houses?
It’s really basic manners not to grab things from someone else’s plate.

I have no issues with disordered eating but someone else taking food off of my plate would result in (a) stabbing them with a fork no matter what their age or (b) me leaving the table. Jesus some folk on here have either no table manners or very low standards to think others picking food from your plate is acceptable.

OP your DH should be dealing with this and in a no nonsense fashion.

If your DH won’t deal with this I would refuse to eat with your DSS either in or out of the house. If it means not going out with the gannet when he visits, that is what will have to happen. Eat your meals away from the family. Let your DH deal with the behaviour and its consequences while you enjoy peaceful, separate meals. Nothing will change until you insist on DH actually parenting his child.

I'll be honest, if my partner was unable and unwilling to do as little as stopping his 7yo from grabbing your food, what on Earth is going to happen in the future? How much worse is this going to get?

As you say DH not DP or BF, it's obviously serious so you really do need to come to some sort of agreement. Namely, that he properly fucking parents his child!

It's this now but what comes next?

I can’t eat food other people have touched either. Especially kids as they never seem to have good hand hygiene.

I like the idea above of having food in the middle of the table and him having to ask for what he wants, this would be a good way of positively teaching limits and control, such as you can have 2 potatoes and I will give you more when you have eaten what is on your plate if you are still hungry and ask properly.

As an alternative, if you aren’t going to eat what’s on your plate after he’s touched it then I would do it back. If he takes something from your plate you take something bigger and better from his - he takes a chip, you take a steak! When he’s not looking clear your plate into the bin.

@loopyapp

So. Two things.

My 10 year old has impulse control issues related to ADHD. He has been guilty of this in the past. Patient assertion of the boundary with a direct consequence that is both immediate and not punitive every time helped him learn. "DS2 we do not touch anyone else's food. Please take two minutes Away from the table to reflect on your actions".

You are an adult with disordered eating. You have no business eating around a child requiring empathy, patience and stable guidance around learning table etiquette.

Leave this to his parents. Eat separately or as far from him as you can whilat ensuring your aren't passing along your issues with food.

Alllllll of this.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Awwww you're no fun - what's wrong with a bit of fork stabbing?!

Because you do it to children who are teenage and older.

Or more likely they do it to each other.

@loopyapp

So. Two things.

My 10 year old has impulse control issues related to ADHD. He has been guilty of this in the past. Patient assertion of the boundary with a direct consequence that is both immediate and not punitive every time helped him learn. "DS2 we do not touch anyone else's food. Please take two minutes Away from the table to reflect on your actions".

You are an adult with disordered eating. You have no business eating around a child requiring empathy, patience and stable guidance around learning table etiquette.

Leave this to his parents. Eat separately or as far from him as you can whilat ensuring your aren't passing along your issues with food.

Did you mean to be so nasty?

The OP already pointed out she has an issue around food.

Children have poor hand hygiene so I can understand part of her aversion.

Also absolutely no-where in her posts did she state that the 7 year old had an SEN. All she has shown is that her DH doesn't think that it is worth teaching children table manners.

@CottageOnTheHill

I have no issues with disordered eating but someone else taking food off of my plate would result in (a) stabbing them with a fork no matter what their age or (b) me leaving the table. Jesus some folk on here have either no table manners or very low standards to think others picking food from your plate is acceptable.

OP your DH should be dealing with this and in a no nonsense fashion.

Same.

I have no issue with sharing food and we often share food when out (not at home) but and it's a big but we don't just steal off each others plates. I hated it growing up, I will not put up with it as an adult.

I can’t believe this is only happening now

Why the fuck did you marry this clown who can’t parent his kids?

And yanbu in wanting this to stop, I’d stop going anywhere with them, let dh take them out without you and your kids and tell him you won’t be doing anything food related until it stops.

This is a parenting issue, this is a dh problem

Then DH looked sheepish

This is just sooo unattractive. It would give me the ick.

Sorry you are going through this.