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Original poster

DSS (7) no table manners

79 replies

LittleBiscuit09 · 27/08/2021 09:22

Hi all,

I have one child (11), DH has two children (10 and 7)

The 7 year old has no table manners, he will regularly take food from peoples plates without asking. It doesn't matter how often we've tried to address this it doesn't stop. Twice in the space of 5 minutes in one meal.

Children are well fed, so no hungry from mums house etc. Older one doesn't do it. I'm at a loss what we can try.

It's embarrassing in restaurants, and I have an anxiety disorder around food, which means when he has taken food from my plate (ninja hands) I then can not eat the remainder of my dinner. It's causing issues because I don't want to go out when they're with us because of it. Which is unfair on them.

Is there any tried and true methods to stop this behaviour and get to the bottom of the cause?

Tia

OP posts:
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Starseeking · 27/08/2021 12:27

You have a DH problem, I bet he undermines you in other ways too, particularly when it comes to his DS.

You need to have a conversation about how you will jointly approach parenting together, and agree not to undermine each other. If you are unable to jointly do that, the long-term success of your relationship is likely at risk.

converseandjeans · 27/08/2021 12:31

That's strange behaviour. I wouldn't be going for family meals out at the moment. Just get take out or make a picnic?

I imagine he's doing it for attention.

TillyTopper · 27/08/2021 12:45

From your subsequent posts the issue is with DH. Only advice is don't sit next to him. If he did it to me he'd leave the table and finish his meal alone somewhere else as it may be for attention.

Tiredoftattler · 27/08/2021 12:46

You might try placing a small but noticeable object in front of his plate at every meal and explain to him that this is a reminder that he is not to touch or remove anyone's food or drink. You can take this object with you to restaurants. Sometimes a visual can help young kids remember a rule even though they have been told many times.

You might also ask him once or twice during the meal ," what does that object mean? " He then has to articulate the fact that he is not to touch anyone' s food or drink.

We would often use reminder objects for various things when the kids were younger.

Ozanj · 27/08/2021 12:48

@PalmarisLongus

Have you had help about your anxiety?

Someone taking an onion ring means you can't eat any of the food they haven't touched? That's surely a bigger issue than 7 year old pinching a chip.

Agreed.

The problem is yours OP not the 7 yo’s.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/08/2021 13:20

Bullshit @Ozanj. This is bad behaviour from the kid. Do you have no boundaries in your family?

BlankTimes · 27/08/2021 13:27

At home, sit him at his own separate table where he's out of reach of everyone else's food.

Tell him until he learns to leave everyone else's food alone, he eats somewhere where he's not able to steal it.

Ozanj · 27/08/2021 13:30

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Bullshit *@Ozanj*. This is bad behaviour from the kid. Do you have no boundaries in your family?
In the real wod grown woman throwing a tantrum because a 7 yo child plucks an onion ring from her plate would be told to seek treatment. It just isn’t acceptable for her food issues to overshadow family life like this. Many kids that age take longer to understand table manners - that doesn’t mean they deserve to have their wrist grabbed.
Lorw · 27/08/2021 13:35

The child isn’t just doing it to her though, I am guessing he does it to other members of the family including the children, the thing is this could cause food issues for the other children which isn’t on,

I imagine it leads to anxiety about going out with friends etc, He’s 7 not a toddler...

3luckystars · 27/08/2021 14:25

Do not put him by himself the poor lad.

FindingMeno · 27/08/2021 14:29

Does he have school dinners and do it at school, I wonder?
At 7 he knows its not acceptable and he's doing it because he's allowed to.
DH needs to deal with, and back you up when you won't allow it.

FindingMeno · 27/08/2021 14:31

I also agree with a pp that grabbing him by the wrist and telling him to drop it isn't really the way forward.

EL8888 · 27/08/2021 14:39

You have a DH problem.

Tisha0 · 27/08/2021 14:58

Does he do the same to children his own age at school or with friends?

I would position myself such that he wouldn’t be able to reach my plate, as I couldn’t cope with it myself.

candlelightsatdawn · 27/08/2021 15:22

The problem is yours OP not the 7 yo’s.

@Ozanj are you joking. The problem is the kid with no table manners and the parents for letting it get to a stage where it's acceptable behaviour. Luckily OP isn't the parent so she doesn't have to correct his incorrect behaviour and it doesn't reflect badly on her. It reflects badly on the parent of the child.

If my kid was doing this ages 7 I would legitimately me mortified. Jesus wept I worry about the next generation I really do.

Also to the people saying grab his wrist - that's not ok either.

nevergoesaway · 27/08/2021 15:31

Is anyone else thinking of the whole “Joey doesn’t share food!” scene from Friends?! Maybe just me Grin

He definitely needs disciplining over this, you simply can’t take food from people’s plates going forward in life, however hopefully it’s just a phase - with the right guidance he’ll learn not to do it. But they guidance has to come from his parents, and if they’re not prepared to do it then I can see why the op is frustrated by it.

I also don’t think grabbing his wrist is the best way to deal with it, and definitely not stabbing him with a fork, although I’m sure that was just a joke.

Booboosweet · 27/08/2021 15:55

It sounds like there are no consequences for him. If he can't do as he's told then a much harsher tone needs to be taken. The dad sounds crap.

Original poster
LittleBiscuit09 · 27/08/2021 17:28

Ok, I assure those concerned my mental state is perfectly fine. I'm not throwing a tantrum over an onion ring. I'm seeking advice from a forum off other parents. But, to add some context, I have emetophobia, and had a poor relationship with food in the past. Would only eat toast, and was a size six. I'm a healthy size 12 and can actually stomach eating food. Having someone touch my food will cause me to be unable to eat for the rest of the day. I am dealing with this the best I can, but this child isn't a toddler.

I'm not sure if he does it at school. He does it with mum and wider family. He is reminded several times every meal, and still does it. He isn't hungry, he is well fed. No worms etc. He tried to take food of his brother, my son (step brother), and anyone else on the table.

They know if there is food left it is shared. He does it when there is food left on the his plate.

As for grabbing his wrist. I put my hand over his wrist to prevent him from moving away, or taking more. I didn't hurt him. I work within a special needs unit, I am team teach trained to deal with child that need to be physically supported to protect themselves and others (not that this was one of those moments). But I didn't hurt him, I simply held his wrist. Much like I've done plenty of times before, such as crossing the road etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleBiscuit09 · 27/08/2021 17:29

I don't think putting him on another table is healthy, although it would solve the issue.

It's getting tedious the constant telling him, he's a bright boy, at this point he is choosing not to listen

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/08/2021 17:36

Try the social stories, you can make them up online. They can really work well.

nevergoesaway · 27/08/2021 17:47

I feel for you @LittleBiscuit09, it shouldn’t be you who is having to sort this out. His parents are letting him down not pulling him up on this and not giving any consequences. It really shouldn’t be your problem to solve.

KylieKoKo · 27/08/2021 17:59

I think it sounds like he has poor impulse control. Like he sees something delicious on someone's plate and just grabs it without thinking and it's become a habit.
The parent who is with him at the time should be removing the food from him each and every time to break this habit. If be gets to eat it it will be reinforced.

Tisha0 · 27/08/2021 18:17

Has anyone done it to him? Meaning - does he know how it feels to have his own food taken off his plate? I’m not suggesting you do it, I’m just curious as to whether he has been on the receiving end of the behaviour so as to be aware of exactly how it makes someone feel….

AllTheSingleLadiess · 27/08/2021 18:21

At school they push the don't share food and drink message because of allergies.

Why am I not surprised that your h does this too?

17to35 · 27/08/2021 21:04

No stabbing.
He does it, his plate is lifted and scraped into the bin.
Send him out of the room until you've finished.

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