Ss stays up with us

[kjack17]

Ss is 13, so he is older then my ds who goes to bed at 8.

I just think after 9pm he should go to his room, hasnt got to go to bed but if im being honest, i dont want him around after 9. Weve been with them all day i just want chill out time.

Mean or not?

We have a 8.30/9 rule on adult nights which is generally one weekend evening a week. Sometimes we'll be out but if we're in its all teens banned from front room. They can use the kitchen, be together chill in rooms but not in the front room. It works well and has created nice boundaries. Would your dh be open to this?

If he doesn’t live with you then I don’t think it’s fair to send him to his room on one of the nights he stays. But he needs to use headphones if he wants to listen to/watch something else in the same room.

I mean it's about using a space in a communal place and respectful of every person using it.

Yes parents who let their kids watch iPads full volume on airplane (no headphones) where no one can easily get away from the pinging every 10seconds I'm BLOODY looking at you. I get it kids can be annoying, that iPad is a life saver but for the love of god teach your kids that's although they love that ping, other people are exist and that's why we use headphones. This is why kids have absolutely no respect for others as it's literally shown them they don't need to have any at a young age. Anyway that's mild rant over.

Same applies, let DC downstairs but once it's 8pm it's adult time on TV (obviously if watching a film it doesn't go off bang off at 8pm). Then they have a choice - stay downstairs if appropriate tv on, play on iPad with headphones etc or chill in room.
It's hardly making them sleep in cellar room floor as some PP would have you believe

Tbh I would be more mildly worried about a 13 child wanting to hang out with me and DH as we are far from rock and roll when switch, tv or books are in their room.

I will play entertainer for the whole day up until 8pm which I get to act for 2 whole hours (let's be real on the best day 1hr) before bed that I am not living in a circus.
If that makes me evil then call me maleficent

This isn't a SC issue so much as a kids issues. If you had posted this saying this was your DS I'm willing to bet you wouldn't have had such a hard time with the comments.

Remember we are all people with needs bar stepmothers who apparently have 0 needs and must be at all times ruled by SC.

Having said that we can't get SD out her room unless there's food in the offing even with bribery of her fav film and staying up late because she prefers reading at bedtime 😵‍💫

Your daughter can read in bed, candlelight. I used to. I also used to listen to transistor radio my dad gave me. In those days, when I was 11/12, Radio Luxembourg was on until 3am. I'd have the radio on very quietly under the covers. Hee hee.

I don't think it's unreasonable to send children up at 9. Regardless of whether they are your children or step children, step mums shouldn't feel the need to panda to step kids. I don't; I treat them the same as my own and that means in all ways. I like adult time in the evening to wind down; everyone upstairs by 8:30. TVs and pads off at 9

@Plumtree391

Your daughter can read in bed, candlelight. I used to. I also used to listen to transistor radio my dad gave me. In those days, when I was 11/12, Radio Luxembourg was on until 3am. I'd have the radio on very quietly under the covers. Hee hee.

Agreed although I have to say we must be very boring if books are her preferred choice but I do like bed early so she's probably not wrong 😅

@mummytotwoboys0600 I agree that on the face of it, it is not unreasonable. But it’s not just what mums or stepmums want. It’s also about what dads and stepdads want.

What does the dad want in the scenario described in the op?

I’m a mum not a dad btw. However, this is a parental decision and dads input should be just as important.

You can’t just send teenagers to their room at 9pm.

Oh to be young, candlelight.

I never sent mine to bed, it wouldn't have occurred to me. He'd be doing his own thing, up and down stairs and we had dining room downstairs so in and out of both rooms too. Often had friends round.

Mean, and I'm usually on SMs side. If you want space at 9pm then you go to your room.

Maybe he just wants to be around his dad, if he's only there on certain nights, even sitting on his phone in the same room. He's not getting in your hair every night is he?

NOT MEAN AT ALL!!!!!!
You need your time!!! Just send him to his room or somewhere else.

on EOW that equates to either 26 or 52 nights per annum.

In those circumstances I would say suck it up - you have300+ nights to your self.

In our home, much like yours, everyone has their own bedroom. If anyone of us needs alone or unwind time, we go to our respective bedrooms. The living spaces are the common areas and I would not ban the teenagers from that area simply because I needed quiet time.

You do not say that your husband is bothered by this or that he has that same need. I am assuming that this occurs on weekends as you say that you have had the boys all day. At 13 the time is fast approaching when I won't likely want to spend much of his day time in your company at all. Most teenagers prefer to be alone or doing things with friends. This is a situation that will likely resolve itself.

When I was 13 I couldn't of thought of anything worse sitting downstairs with my parents until bed time so either take it as a compliment or maybe is he waiting for you to say he can go up to his room?

@djt87 we had this our SD kept staying downstairs and side eyeing me so I finally asked in despair and what is wrong (she's non nerotypical) . Turns out at she was waiting for permission to leave the room 😵‍💫 like she had to at her mums. Maddness. Told her to come and go as she pleases.

Now we have to tempt her out of her room by laying buttons of chocolate on the stairs on each step 😂

Yabu and mean tbh seeing as you only have him EOW.

If you want chill out time go chill in your own bedroom. Perhaps he wants to see his dad as he doesnt get to spend much time with him.

I like hanging with people doing are own thing in a safe place. Its natural and normal and feels safe. Hanging out with his dad even if he doesn't seem to be engaging may be doing more for him than you realise. Its about being there, about knowing that you could talk if you wanted to, and smells and voices and comfort.
Absolutely reasonable to say only one sound at a time - and if he wants sound then he needs to choose between headphones in the living room or no headphones in his room. But if he's down with you, he's clearly gaining something from it (even if you can't see it) and sending to his room isn't fair.
The fact that he's only there EOW makes this time even more precious. Please don't banish him, work on finding another compromise.

I was going to say it's mean but tbh I have told my own kids to bugger off to their own rooms before now and leave me in peace.

But if he is enjoying quality time with your DH and is not stopping you watching your programme or being disruptive in any way then fair enough, let him stay.

If he's whinging and wanting to game or watch YouTube whilst you're trying to watch a film, then it's fair enough to suggest he can watch his iPad in his room.

@SpaceshiptoMars

One reason why marriages break up is because of the undiagnosed special needs of the children.

So the 2 parents were unable to see or realise their kid had a developmental issue? I mean if it broke the marriage up, they should have realised there was something wrong. So it's sounding like 2 parents incapable of noticing a developmental or special needs issue and pursuing a diagnosis. Not the p kind of partner I'd want to be with.

I think a genuine issue, is the feeling that some kids of separated parents have a feeling of abandonment and can be clingy and stick to dad like super glue. Perhaps that's why they hang around more, where other kids would be in their rooms. Or they think they have such limited time with dad and don't want to go to their room maybe.

I don't see posts of stepdads complaining the kids are sitting next to mum or clinging to her...it's because they tend to see dad less in most cases and even when it's 50/50..mum's place is referred to as home.

You hear "I'm going to dads...vs I'm going home."

What I see a lot is a fair number of Stepmums complaining about younger kids squeezing between them on the sofa...wanting dad's attention, getting upset when dad and partner are affectionate....etc

I mean if it broke the marriage up, they should have realised there was something wrong.

Even specialists in the field of neurodiversity have been known to not recognize those same conditions in their own children! One child in my wider family was labelled 'pain in the butt, deliberately obstructive etc' by other parents, teachers etc before finally getting an autism diagnosis at around 10. A lot of relationship damage had been done before this point was reached - the professionals are not flies on the wall and they miss things.

I'm gonna echo spaceships comment here

"Even specialists in the field of neurodiversity have been known to not recognize those same conditions in their own children! One child in my wider family was labelled 'pain in the butt, deliberately obstructive etc' by other parents, teachers etc before finally getting an autism diagnosis at around 10.*"
*
We had a similar thing with my DSC, although more along the lines of oh that's how she is. Madness actually because the girl was struggling, families can be blind to the obvious, the attack on the dog got brushed off and some other really concerning behaviour. DH had historically tried to raise his concerns with mum but she was like it's not right but nothing we can do about it, your over reacting etc.
School flagged some issues but again for some reason she wasn't willing to deal and she's the RP but they were both young and actually I understand as a parent wanting to view your child in their best light but it's not realistic.

After a real fight on hands we have got DSC into therapy, it's been a battle. Seemed to me that people didn't want to acknowledge there was a issue because they thought it meant something was "wrong" with DSD but actually she's not nerotypical but doesn't mean there's something wrong with her. Makes me want to scream into a pillow because at the end of the day she suffers and did suffer because of lack of intervention.

We are on right track but things get missed or if in our case RP doesn't agree they don't have to engage with services.