Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Ss stays up with us

122 replies

kjack17 · 26/08/2021 20:43

Ss is 13, so he is older then my ds who goes to bed at 8.

I just think after 9pm he should go to his room, hasnt got to go to bed but if im being honest, i dont want him around after 9. Weve been with them all day i just want chill out time.

Mean or not?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pommepommefrites · 27/08/2021 08:33

How often does he stay?

HunkyPunk · 27/08/2021 08:36

I’m sure it’s not meant, but it makes him sound like an inconvenience, rather than part of the family! Try and make the most of the time teens spend with you. Give it a year or so and you probably won’t see him for dust

Original poster

kjack17 · 27/08/2021 08:36

@Mumdiva99 its the sound! Its so irritating.
He doesnt like headphones, so we have to listen to whatever hes watching, even if he turns it down you can hear it. And why should we have to, he has a room.

I would be fine if he wanted to watch a film with us etc, well not all the time, but once in a while fine. Just not every night.

OP posts:

Original poster

kjack17 · 27/08/2021 08:39

@HunkyPunk yeah i thought that. Its really annoying how people jump to the worst possible outcome. Yes hes part of the family. If it were mine who was older i'd be sending him packing too, it doesnt matter who the kid is i just want them gone after spending a whole day doing everything that they want. Is that too much to ask

Haha yeah probably

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 27/08/2021 08:40

[quote kjack17]@Mumdiva99 its the sound! Its so irritating.
He doesnt like headphones, so we have to listen to whatever hes watching, even if he turns it down you can hear it. And why should we have to, he has a room.

I would be fine if he wanted to watch a film with us etc, well not all the time, but once in a while fine. Just not every night. [/quote]
I was going to say YABU until this, but I think this is the core problem. He should be able to stay downstairs, but this is rude. He needs to either stop watching videos with the sound on, or wear headphones. This should be a rule.

Leibham · 27/08/2021 08:45

You’re not cut out to be a step-parent. Your tone and use of words speak volumes about how you feel about the poor kid.

girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 08:53

YABU to want to banish him to his room if he wants to spend time with you.

YANBU to insist on headphones/earphones if he's listening to things on his phone.

YANBU to give him a proper bedtime.

StarryNight468 · 27/08/2021 09:08

I was sent to my room at 9 as a teenager so it's not unusual.

My dc are teens. They are normally in their rooms or out and I normally tell them to go to sleep around 10ish when I go to sleep. If they are in the living room it's because we're all watching something. They had a bedtime when young and luckily when they stopped needing a bedtime they were at that age where they liked being in their own room.

I think the refusing to wear headphones ect is worse than staying up. I would tell him to either wear headphones or go in his room - what's he going to do, say no? I'd turn the WiFi off he did that and take his charger!

My dss is 8 and dh keeps him up late - think 10, sometimes 11 o'clock. He then stays up later in bed than my 14yr old watching YouTube.. I would love some kid free time in the evenings, I've told dh from September and back to school dss is going to bed at 8.30 whether they like it or not. I'm utterly fed up of it, it's not even just for kid free time, dss is grumpy and miserable the next day from lack of sleep and sleep is good for dc, it helps them grow and be healthy. I think you've lost the bedtime with a 13yr old though op.

helentomelon · 27/08/2021 09:10

I'm glad when mine wants to sit up with me as she hardly ever does now and I expect your dd wont in a year or two.

If he's there often I don't see why your DH can't say "we want some adult time now" and send him up every now and again or maybe on a set evening that's known as your day to have an evening to yourselves but I dont like children being banished upstairs as a rule. With depression and even suicide rates as they are amongst young people (particularly young men) I wish more of them stayed involved in evening family life for longer.

Saying that, if you're in the family space you're either all watching something together or doing separate, quiet activities individually. It's absolutely not on for someone (child, adult, stepchild or not) to sit in the room and play with a noisy phone so the others can't enjoy what they're doing. That absolutely needs putting a stop too and I can't believe your DH lets him get away with that

howtodealwithit · 27/08/2021 09:10

@Leibham

You’re not cut out to be a step-parent. Your tone and use of words speak volumes about how you feel about the poor kid.

Unless I'm misunderstanding, I don't think this has anything to do with being a step mum

as it sounds like the same rule will apply to the younger child?

The noise on the phone thing is irritating! My DS watches a lot of crap on his phone and knows it's either headphones on, or go and find somewhere else to sit!

KurtWilde · 27/08/2021 09:15

[quote kjack17]@WaterIsBest because im sick of them by then. I just want peace which i dont get until theyre both not in the front room[/quote]
You talk about both kids like they're an inconvenience. Lovely.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 09:18

So how often does he stay with you, and what does your DH think?

DS(16) hardly spends anytime in the evenings with us now, but that is his choice. So you may only have a few more years of this, but with a stepchild I assume there is a risk that might involve him never coming to your house.

I would insist on earphones if someone is listening to something else in the same room, but if you are the one who needs space from the children then surely it’s you that needs to go elsewhere not banish them from the family room (if it is not yet their bedtime)

Mumdiva99 · 27/08/2021 09:23

God...the noise drives me mad. Headphones or out. (My kids can watch uTube etc on the TV so they also get their 'turn' at watching without headphones....usually earlier in the day.)

You definitely shouldn't have to put up with the noise in the evening.

Blendiful · 27/08/2021 09:27

Not at all mean.

We send all our kids upstairs at night. Tbf they usually go anyway but on the off chance one is hanging round they are told to go and do what they are doing.

Occasionally we watch films together or with one child or the other. But we like to watch things that aren’t always suitable and we like to have some time together as a couple too.

Nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

ANameChangeAgain · 27/08/2021 09:30

I agree with the majority that it isn't acceptable to send a 13yo to his bedroom at 9pm during the school holidays. Young teens are at a transitional stage where they are becoming young adults. They are very different to bouncy 8 year olds. Evenings are when we relax and chat and when they learn important social skills (which don't involve playing annoying noises on a phone). At my house he would be welcome to stay downstairs, but with the condition that phones etc are off at 9pm.

Whataboutme21 · 27/08/2021 09:32

If they won’t wear headphones then you’re not being mean, I’d be sending mines upstairs aswell!

nevergoesaway · 27/08/2021 09:49

@Blendiful

Not at all mean.

We send all our kids upstairs at night. Tbf they usually go anyway but on the off chance one is hanging round they are told to go and do what they are doing.

Occasionally we watch films together or with one child or the other. But we like to watch things that aren’t always suitable and we like to have some time together as a couple too.

Nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

Can I ask what time you send them upstairs? Just curious!

Op I can understand about the noise thing, it’s pretty antisocial to enforce whatever you’re watching or listening to onto other people constantly, so if he won’t wear headphones it’s a difficult one because his choices are impacting on you.

itssarcasmjoan · 27/08/2021 10:06

Yeah welcome to the teenage years. Our are 15&13 and go to bed later than us weekends and holidays.

elliejjtiny · 27/08/2021 10:07

Headphones are non negotiable in our house when using the computer, tablets or phones with the sound on.

However YABU to expect your dss to go to his room in the evenings. 9pm in our house is when the little ones are in bed and dh and I spend time with our teens. We normally have a DVD box set on the go (we are watching friends at the moment). I do understand how you feel though. Sometimes it feels like the only time we are free to watch anything rated higher than a 12 is if we stay up past midnight and sex is now something we have to do quickly and hidden under the duvet. It's especially hard when you have teens and little ones as well I think.

Teamfemale · 27/08/2021 10:14

Actually I don't think OP is that bad.

By 9pm I am frazzled and don't want to hear other peoples devices when I'm trying to unwind and watch something. If dd2 is watching something on her iPad she has to have her head phones on. I love the bones of my kids but I do need time to myself.

In your position OP, as he doesnt live there and is only visiting and swan off upstairs and put the TV on and watch it in peace.

MorningNinja · 27/08/2021 11:12

Does he have a tv in his room?

I like my DC and DSC in another room/their own rooms after 9pm because as much as I love them, I'm sick of them too! Particularly in school holidays. There really isn't anything wrong with feeling that way.

However, it's up to you to create that space for them to go. Plus, I never seem to gabe to ask them to go...the naturally migrate the other living room/their bedroom because they are probably sick of us too!

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 11:41

Do the DC share a room?

Driftingblue · 27/08/2021 13:06

We are really lucky to have two reception rooms so we can go to separate spaces without utilizing bedrooms, but sometimes bedrooms need to be in the mix. No one should have to sit and listen to someone else’s show and the adults shouldn’t restricted from content that isn’t teen appropriate .

I would start thinking about this as a logistics issue, not a kid room time issue. If he wants to watch something no one else wants to watch, a tv in his room is probably a good solution. Same for the adults. Sometimes I’ll just say that I’m going to go into a particular space and I’m watching something that isn’t kid appropriate so knock first.

Kanaloa · 27/08/2021 13:17

Well if he isn’t with you full time surely you have plenty of child free evenings. If he’s watching things on his phone tell him to use earphones so it doesn’t disturb what you’re watching.

Magda72 · 27/08/2021 13:19

@kjack17 - not mean at all. Mine are 24, 19 & 15. The 24 year old has his own flat but regularly visits with his gf. The 19 year old is at uni & has uni accommodation but comes & goes. I still sometimes banish them all to another room after dinner as my head can be melted from the business of the house if they're all around.
My dd 15 & I will often watch tv together but if I'm watching something unsuitable (think scandi noir) she'll happily head off to her room.
Id suggest a few set movie/tv nights together & explain the other evenings are for the grown ups.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5