Going on holiday

[LuckyGrace]

We can never afford to go away during the school holidays all of us together. We have one DC under school age and my husband has 2 older DC.

Are we unreasonable to go away when DSC are away with their mother? The past few years we have done this, when we know when DSC go away, we will book something for the same week so contact isn't affected.

@aSofaNearYou

I think it's very telling when people think younger children's lives are not compromised by the dad having older kids, as demonstrated by the last few comments.

I think many do realise their lives are compromised, but think that having parents who are in a relationship and live together totally cancels out that compromise, which is obviously ridiculous and totally untrue.

@aSofaNearYou

I think it's very telling when people think younger children's lives are not compromised by the dad having older kids, as demonstrated by the last few comments.

Yes. I think a lot more people on here have experience of being the mother of the older kids so I can see why their minds go their first, but there is more than that one angle to consider.

Indeed. It seem to get to a stage where any and all possible advantage a child may have from their parents being together should be taken away or its not fair. Some threads do get quite astonishing, and you wander what the poor child has to be grateful for at all if they are expected to live some miserable half life in case their elder siblings feelings are hurt.

@Youseethethingis

Indeed. It seem to get to a stage where any and all possible advantage a child may have from their parents being together should be taken away or its not fair. Some threads do get quite astonishing, and you wander what the poor child has to be grateful for at all if they are expected to live some miserable half life in case their elder siblings feelings are hurt.

YES!! I was trying to word this earlier but couldn't quite get there.

What do the younger kids have to be grateful for about their parents being together if all that entails is sleeping under the same roof and all the natural advantages of having an intact family are taken away so that's SCs don't feel bad (even if it's not a given that they will)?

Surely it would make sense to go term time with a toddler?

We have two children and holidays have always been camping, YHA, caravan type holidays. They have been to northern France but not anywhere like Greece, Spain etc.

So maybe you need to consider something cheaper so they can all go? Or maybe DH takes his eldest two off to do something - even if it's cheap couple of nights in the UK.

At the moment the situation is that the eldest children don't go away with Dad at all whilst youngest does.

The arranging work shifts to fit around contact with SC so barely seeing the younger children outside of that, and then spending that time on the constantly commended 1-1 time with the older children, seems depressingly common on here.

Pile on top of that all the other disadvantages people think they should experience out of principle, such as holidays and relationships with family members etc, and the complete lack of support for children in this position as nobody seems to think it could confuse or upset them in the slightest (as opposed to the SC who are perpetually confused and upset) and you end up with quite a miserable picture.

But @converseandjeans your "solution" means that the older kids will get say 1 X abroad hol with mum per year and 1 X UK holiday with dad, but the younger kids will only ever get 1 X UK holiday with both parents and never get the chance to go abroad in the name of "fairness" for the older kids.

It's not fair at all really, its disadvantaging the younger kids to give the older kids opportunities they already have. I think people overestimate how much kids are bothered by which parent they go on holiday with, rather than the fact they get to go t all. And especially teenagers probably wouldn't be especially greatful for a UK holiday with dad, sm and much younger children and I am speaking from experience here.

I think people overestimate how much kids are bothered by which parent they go on holiday with, rather than the fact they get to go t all.

Totally agree with this. I have never actually witnessed a child seem to be upset that they were not included in a daytrip/holiday others went on, rather than simply that they did not get to do something. I'm not discounting that such children may exist, but in my experience they are not as common as kids who just get classic FOMO.

[quote Youseethethingis]@SpaceshiptoMars
The dying African child doesn't make your situation less horrific though?
In a hospital if you are in a lot of pain, do they give you medical treatment and pain relief or do they regale you with stories about how someone else is probably in more pain, in the hope that will make you feel better?[/quote]
I still have doors in my head that I don't want to open. But making myself take the wider view is surprisingly healing. Everybody suffers, but much of it is in our heads, thinking how much we are hard done by. If we open our eyes and look around, we can prove to ourselves, that really, in world percentile terms, we are not.

Another thing that's often overlooked when threads go a particular direction - the younger child didn't choose to have siblings any more than the elder did.
Kids having the power to choose things or not seems to make quite a difference to some posters opinions on what is fair so it's worth remembering that it's true of all of the children.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

But *@converseandjeans* your "solution" means that the older kids will get say 1 X abroad hol with mum per year and 1 X UK holiday with dad, but the younger kids will only ever get 1 X UK holiday with both parents and never get the chance to go abroad in the name of "fairness" for the older kids.

It's not fair at all really, its disadvantaging the younger kids to give the older kids opportunities they already have. I think people overestimate how much kids are bothered by which parent they go on holiday with, rather than the fact they get to go t all. And especially teenagers probably wouldn't be especially greatful for a UK holiday with dad, sm and much younger children and I am speaking from experience here.

I don't even think it's about the abroad element. In many families, it can still be a budget UK holiday the family of 3 are thinking of taking, especially if they are trying to do it in summer holidays so no SC time is missed. And tbh, UK holidays are rarely budget because everything is so expensive here.

If that's the case and they are already trying to spend minimally, it's very unfair that dad, SM and their child(ren) never or very rarely get any holidays at all just purely so SCs can enjoy 2 per year.

Parents need a holiday!

Parents need a holiday!

I mean I just think about the lives young children have - little bit of school work followed by lots of playing, ipads and driving their parents up the wall, compared to working for a living and spending the rest of your time torn between trying desperately to keep your house clean and life admin sorted, and being driven up the wall by said children... and I don't really get why people think holiday's are mainly about children.

@aSofaNearYou
Yes! I'm a broken woman with it all. Don't appreciate being told I should that if we were struggling I should either holiday without DH (more work!) or not go at all because DSD needs two holidays.

[quote Youseethethingis]@aSofaNearYou
Yes! I'm a broken woman with it all. Don't appreciate being told I should that if we were struggling I should either holiday without DH (more work!) or not go at all because DSD needs two holidays.[/quote]
I don't get why holidaying without DH was suggested. Do people do this?

Like sorry LO, daddy can't come on holiday because he made the decision with DSC's parent to spilt up like 8+ years before you existed.

@aaaaah

Like sorry LO, daddy can't come on holiday because he made the decision with DSC's parent to spilt up like 8+ years before you existed.

Exactly and apparently that doesn't damage the "second" children at all. They'd totally understand that.

I don't get why holidaying without DH was suggested. Do people do this?

People seem to think dad not attending a holiday makes it better for the SCs that the holiday is happening, but tbh I don't agree.

If they're inclined to be upset and feel their sibling is being favoured over them, then they will surely still be upset that this holiday is happening with out them too? It isn't all about dad, it's about perceived unfairness between siblings, and also their bond with their SM, which this could harm.

Especially as SM obviously wouldn't pay more to go in school holidays so they are also away...she would go during term time when SCs will presumably be at her house through the week and will know she is on holiday with their sibling.

Also, where does it end? People say SM can take the child alone and that should be fine and is acceptable, but I bet that only extends to bog standard holidays. SM starts trying to take her child to Spain because she's fed up of never being able to take a holiday and I bet it suddenly becomes unacceptable again.

@LittleMysSister

Yes. I think a lot more people on here have experience of being the mother of the older kids so I can see why their minds go their first, but there is more than that one angle to consider.

I agree with this, but also on the other side of it that step mums are likely to want to make sure their children aren't impacted by the situation either.

Hence the reason why step parenting threads go the way they do. From either side the priorities are likely to be different.

[quote howtodealwithit]@LittleMysSister

Yes. I think a lot more people on here have experience of being the mother of the older kids so I can see why their minds go their first, but there is more than that one angle to consider.

I agree with this, but also on the other side of it that step mums are likely to want to make sure their children aren't impacted by the situation either.

Hence the reason why step parenting threads go the way they do. From either side the priorities are likely to be different. [/quote]
I do agree that obviously step-parents' priority is their own children.

However, I'd also say that most decent step-parents (which really is most of us) also have an investment in the happiness and wellbeing of their SCs, whereas the mothers of the older children obviously don't have that for the younger set.

I feel like lots of the comments here are from people who are only bothered about the older children and completely disregard the younger, basically thinking that nothing can make up for a parental split so younger kids just have to deal with being 2nd class, whereas step-parents mainly want a compromise - such as what OP is doing, going away at greater expense to herself & DH just so SCs don't miss any time and feel the least left out possible because they are already away having fun.

Bottom line is if you split with your childrens father, they will be impacted.
If you have children with a man who is already a father, they will be impacted.
For me it's about finding the best way through, not pretending the situation isn't what it is.
A mother's priority is her own children. This isn't wrong and it isn't a surprise. The rub is that to make this work, no one set of children can be the absolute priority absolutely all of the time. That's where the disagreements and bun fights come in.

And don't get me wrong, I get it. Obviously the mum of the older kids wouldn't care about the younger, why would she? They are nothing to do with her. So I can see why some are commenting as they are here.

But it's more complex for dad's household, as their are multiple children they love and care about, so they are the ones who need to make his kind of decision sometimes in order to balance things out.

@LittleMysSister , I agree ex's are less likely to regard the younger children than SP's, however I feel some of that surely stems from the fact the ex won't have as much to do with those children?

I'd be part of the "first wives club" (lovely term), but even though my ex was a knob , I did consider the feelings of his younger children because I'm not a selfish knob. Obviously I prioritised DS but also acknowledged the younger ones too, pretty shit if you don't.

[quote howtodealwithit]@LittleMysSister , I agree ex's are less likely to regard the younger children than SP's, however I feel some of that surely stems from the fact the ex won't have as much to do with those children?

I'd be part of the "first wives club" (lovely term), but even though my ex was a knob , I did consider the feelings of his younger children because I'm not a selfish knob. Obviously I prioritised DS but also acknowledged the younger ones too, pretty shit if you don't.[/quote]
Oh yeah of course, that's exactly what I mean. Mums of the older children mainly don't even know the younger children, may not ever even have met them at all.

Defo not trying to say the mums are out of order or selfish, but just that their priorities - obviously - are their own children. And being a separate household, they also won't know the ins and outs of why a decision has been made the ins and outs of why a decision has been made.

Same as us all here tbh, we and mum of the older kids won't know whether maybe dad thought it was a good idea to go away with his wife and younger child while his other children were away because he knows he hasn't spent as much time with them as he does loads with his SCs alone when they are around. Or SC has an expensive hobby that they're great at so a lot of money goes on that, which means younger child doesn't get to do a hobby at all. Or SM has had some health problems or stress which means she desperately needs a break and he wants to take her away with least impact on his older children.

Obviously all speculation!! But just saying that the decision is often so much more nuanced than just the older children attending or not.

It's absolutely fine for DSC's priority to be her own children but she can't kick up a fuss when my priority is my own child. I paid for LO to have a lovely birthday party and DH got moaned at becuase I didn't organise one for one of the DSC .

@aaaaah

It's absolutely fine for DSC's priority to be her own children but she can't kick up a fuss when my priority is my own child. I paid for LO to have a lovely birthday party and DH got moaned at becuase I didn't organise one for one of the DSC .

Why didn't he organise his own party?!!!