Does anyone else sometimes really not like their step child?

[deflatedstepmum12]

I have a 7yo SC and, whilst I might sound awful, I have to confess I don’t really like her.

I’ve been around her since before she was 2, and all was well at first. But as she’s got older, she’s picking up awful habits from her mum. Mum is a reformed drug addict who has had a tonne of boyfriends living with DSC since I’ve know her, but looks down on me and patronises me even though I’m nearly 10 years her junior but have a very good career and my own home. My SC is now starting to pick up on it, constantly answering back, trying to patronise me and worst of all lying. It is driving me insane.

The worst thing is, DH thinks she’s wonderful. He doesn’t see that she’s sly and rude, and obviously she obsesses over him. Her mum and dad expect me to pick up the slack childcare wise, which is getting harder and harder the more she irritates me!

I feel like a terrible person but I just can’t help it is there anyone else in the same boat?

Look I don't even like my own kid sometimes. I always love her but don't always like her. I said what I said (pitchforks be dammed)

SP don't have that bond and also often don't have the teeth to correct bad behaviour so SP feel trapped and isolated.

This is a DH problem. Why are you doing all this childcare ?! 5 hours sleep ?!? You must be going deranged ! I don't care what you have to do but you absolutely have to break this you having DSC that many nights, is there a evening course you could conveniently join on days your expected to be a slave childcare ?

Don't be the frog on the hot water that slowly boils to death as it didn't realise the heat gets to high !

@sassbott

You're right, the other thread shows where it all ends. Yeuch.

That charity you were thinking of starting? Were you planning to go into schools and do talks?

Firstly, I dont remember being massively keen on my own kids at that age, so don't tie yourself up in knots about that.

It does sound like you're being expected to do a lot on top of working! Do you think your partner would listen if you said it was too much and he needed to sort something else? It's important and would give you some respite (and some sleep!).

I've stepped back considerably myself, I was getting frazzled trying to please everyone and it was impacting on my feelings for my stepson, I lurked here a lot and read some good advice in between the Stepmum Bingo players...

I make time to do something fun and special every time DSC are here but no longer make myself available all the time. I have also become a master of saying "we'll have to talk with your father about that". It works for both requests and discipline!

I don't buy the dad not noticing the rude behaviour. He knows fully what his daughter is like but chooses to ignore.
You are a convenience to all of them and his daughter resents you because she sees you as an obstacle in their family unit.
She gets away with it because he won't admit she's doing it.

It will only become worse and worse and worse.

You are a doormat and they are all wiping their big boots on you OP

I used to think similar OP and having met SD at 13, she was a mini ex wife and spoke to my SH in horrendous ways.

I thought she was rude, entitled and manipulative when I first met her and spent years biting my tongue or even just going out to avoid her visits whenever possible.

The good news is that at 16 her visits became less frequent when she had a huge disagreement with her dad over social media and at 20 she cyberbullied family members so we don't see her any more.

The moral of the story is you probably have an instinct on this that is correct. So as others have said, step back, hand back the parenting to her parents and remember she won't be in your life at this frequency forever.

I feel so relieved to have read this post, I have a DSS who is 8 and I have had in my life for 5/6 years. No matter how hard I try I really do not like the child and struggle to feel anything, I have thought so many times about leaving my DH because of him and that breaks my heart. If I could go back in time I would never date someone who had children when I didn't, it is such a hard situation to be in

@deflatedstepmum12

I have a 7yo SC and, whilst I might sound awful, I have to confess I don’t really like her.

I’ve been around her since before she was 2, and all was well at first. But as she’s got older, she’s picking up awful habits from her mum. Mum is a reformed drug addict who has had a tonne of boyfriends living with DSC since I’ve know her, but looks down on me and patronises me even though I’m nearly 10 years her junior but have a very good career and my own home. My SC is now starting to pick up on it, constantly answering back, trying to patronise me and worst of all lying. It is driving me insane.

The worst thing is, DH thinks she’s wonderful. He doesn’t see that she’s sly and rude, and obviously she obsesses over him. Her mum and dad expect me to pick up the slack childcare wise, which is getting harder and harder the more she irritates me!

I feel like a terrible person but I just can’t help it is there anyone else in the same boat?

I have to Steph children, and I really dislike one of them, he is 8 and my god he is rude, unappreciative, ungrateful, and his dad thinks he's wonderful. Blooming gets on my tits!!!

I split up with an ex over his daughter.

I didn't like her. Wasn't able to or prepared to spend huge amounts of time with a manipulative child and it clearly wasn't good for her either. She needed love and stability and I couldn't give it to her. So I bowed out.

If you don't like them, you don't like them. I'd hazard a guess she's a product of her environment.

Me and my ex split because of his dd. He was a classic Disney dad and she was a spoilt , rude, disrespectful little turd. But he thought the sun rose and set on her and she could do no wrong. She would start drama between him and me, lying about me.

I couldn’t take it anymore. He was the first man I ever dated with children and he will be the last mad as well.

This is hugely reassuring to read and also quite sad that so many of us have experienced or are experiencing the same thing.

• Does your partner know how you feel?

• How do you deal with it so it doesn’t impact your relationship?

My partner has an 8 year old daughter and I’m really struggling.
She is ungrateful (we recently took her on holiday and she complained the whole time and not once did she say thank you).
She is manipulative - the only time she shows any affection or softness is when she knows she’s pushed things too far.
And she’s generally very unpleasant to be around, arrogant, a know it all, and tries correcting you (incorrectly) at any given opportunity.

My partner knows how I feel and does recognise her poor behaviour himself (at times).

I’m not sure how best to handle it.
Do I detach?
Do I leave the house as much as possible on her days (50/50 arrangement)?
Do I stay and assert the rules and standards of the house?

Those who are going through this or have been through it and survived, any words of wisdom would really help those of us in the trenches right now.

@Round203

This is hugely reassuring to read and also quite sad that so many of us have experienced or are experiencing the same thing.

• Does your partner know how you feel?

• How do you deal with it so it doesn’t impact your relationship?

My partner has an 8 year old daughter and I’m really struggling.
She is ungrateful (we recently took her on holiday and she complained the whole time and not once did she say thank you).
She is manipulative - the only time she shows any affection or softness is when she knows she’s pushed things too far.
And she’s generally very unpleasant to be around, arrogant, a know it all, and tries correcting you (incorrectly) at any given opportunity.

My partner knows how I feel and does recognise her poor behaviour himself (at times).

I’m not sure how best to handle it.
Do I detach?
Do I leave the house as much as possible on her days (50/50 arrangement)?
Do I stay and assert the rules and standards of the house?

Those who are going through this or have been through it and survived, any words of wisdom would really help those of us in the trenches right now.

It seems on here that a good route is to disengage slightly and let DH parent on his contact days, make yourself busy or if you engage just do fun light hearted stuff with SC.

You often see SM on her frazzled by the kids when really DH is leaving all the grunt work, parenting to SM along with running house, tiding ect without giving them any power to discipline and the kids are misbehaving and the kids pick up on it.

Setting up house rules you all come up together with, setting up what is discipline in the house so your both on same page but let him handle it that side of it.

Be Uber kind to yourself, any parenting is hard but SP is a special place where you can't often utter it out loud without people coming at you with pitch forks.

Speaking of pitchforks I'm surprised more hasn't shown up with unhelpful comments. It's a mumsnet miracle

I think you need to look at the fact that you called a 7 year old "sly".

7 year olds aren't sly. They're 7. They observe the world around them and pick up behaviours from their environment.

If you feel she is picking up negative attitudes and behaviours from her mum then talk to your partner about it, but not in a way that is in any way blaming the child, because it's not actually her fault.

Express it as concerns about what she might be being exposed to, and concerns about her wellbeing.

Don't just look at her surface behaviour and say you "don't like her". She's a very young child ffs.

I agree with a lot of these comments. From my experience, my step son is rude, ungrateful, has no manners, entitled etc and sometimes isn't nice to my son but my partner chooses to ignore the behaviour as many times he has said he won't come round which obviously hurts my partners feelings. He tries to appease him and rewards bad behaviour for the sake of not wanting to annoy his 8 year old. There's nothing I can do but sit and get on with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@onelittlefrog

I think you need to look at the fact that you called a 7 year old "sly".

7 year olds aren't sly. They're 7. They observe the world around them and pick up behaviours from their environment.

If you feel she is picking up negative attitudes and behaviours from her mum then talk to your partner about it, but not in a way that is in any way blaming the child, because it's not actually her fault.

Express it as concerns about what she might be being exposed to, and concerns about her wellbeing.

Don't just look at her surface behaviour and say you "don't like her". She's a very young child ffs.

Absolutely can a 7 year old be sly🙄

My 3 year old is sly esp when she's doing something she shouldn't be like trying to sneak sweets from cupboard.

Kids test boundaries, that doesn't mean that they are going to be gang lords please take the sanctimonious judgement somewhere else.

@onelittlefrog

I think you need to look at the fact that you called a 7 year old "sly".

7 year olds aren't sly. They're 7. They observe the world around them and pick up behaviours from their environment.

If you feel she is picking up negative attitudes and behaviours from her mum then talk to your partner about it, but not in a way that is in any way blaming the child, because it's not actually her fault.

Express it as concerns about what she might be being exposed to, and concerns about her wellbeing.

Don't just look at her surface behaviour and say you "don't like her". She's a very young child ffs.

Or... you could accept that not everyone needs to tiptoe around matters to this extent. Her behaviour is sly, it's not the end of the world to point that out. Especially to a parent who shirks his responsibilities onto OP.

I'm going through the same at the moment. I've been in my 8 year old ss life for 4 years and his behaviour is increasingly awful. He lies, manipulates and bullies but when my PILs are around is the perfect child. He's lied about very serious things - the most recent being his mum was hitting him (it wasn't true) so I won't be on my own with him.

It's become so bad here I asked my husband for a divorce. He has recognised how difficult he is and is now seeing him at his parents house until we can get family counselling. We don't want to lose our marriage but it's incredibly difficult to resolve these issues when his mum parents very differently and undoes any boundaries /rules we have by telling him he doesn't have to listen!

As usual with these threads, the issue isn't really with the 7 year old (who btw don't have the capacity to "patronise"), it's your DP who doesn't give a shit about what he's putting on you and the way you feel about the ex that's the issue

Too many of you that moan about stepchildren have no backbone. You let a man take the piss and walk all over you and you shy away from firmly tackling him about it.

You dislike his child(ren) because of him and this, yet stupidly think the child(ren) can't see and sense your dislike, and should somehow be nice and perfectly behaved with you.

@DeeCeeCherry

Too many of you that moan about stepchildren have no backbone. You let a man take the piss and walk all over you and you shy away from firmly tackling him about it.

You dislike his child(ren) because of him and this, yet stupidly think the child(ren) can't see and sense your dislike, and should somehow be nice and perfectly behaved with you.

And many parents refused to parent. This is to the detriment of the child who will grow up to find the world doesn't revolve around them and that some of their behaviours are socially unacceptable.

A child has two parents and if the kid isn't well behaved or well rounded that is more than a reflection of their parenting skills more than it is the child character.

@DeeCeeCherry

Too many of you that moan about stepchildren have no backbone. You let a man take the piss and walk all over you and you shy away from firmly tackling him about it.

You dislike his child(ren) because of him and this, yet stupidly think the child(ren) can't see and sense your dislike, and should somehow be nice and perfectly behaved with you.

Are you a step parent?

You dislike his child(ren) because of him

Who are you speaking for? Some of us dislike them because of their personality and behaviour, some of us because they are a clone of their mother who has caused nothing but agg.

yet stupidly think the child(ren) can't see and sense your dislike, and should somehow be nice and perfectly behaved with you

I couldn't give a shit what they can sense of dislike. It's my name above the door. If they can't behave appropriately he's welcome to see them elsewhere.

@NeverAgain123456
Hahaha yeah. On one thread I was told it was all my fault... really made me LOL!

How can you do so much childcare, you're meant to be working?!

@deflatedstepmum12
God it's hard isn't it...
After so many years you kind of feel automatically responsible for them. I get that everyone sees you as the next port of call after the parents but I agree that the next time you're asked unexpectedly or even ahead of time to do the childcare you say. Oh shoot - that's not possible. I'm so sorry.
I think 7 yr old is testing you out.
Im usually quite nice and patient to my 12 yr old ss but yesterday evening I told him he was acting like a right brat and some more home truths and he actually started behaving again. He went back to his pleasant self after that.
Good luck hun! X