Does anyone else sometimes really not like their step child?

[deflatedstepmum12]

I have a 7yo SC and, whilst I might sound awful, I have to confess I don’t really like her.

I’ve been around her since before she was 2, and all was well at first. But as she’s got older, she’s picking up awful habits from her mum. Mum is a reformed drug addict who has had a tonne of boyfriends living with DSC since I’ve know her, but looks down on me and patronises me even though I’m nearly 10 years her junior but have a very good career and my own home. My SC is now starting to pick up on it, constantly answering back, trying to patronise me and worst of all lying. It is driving me insane.

The worst thing is, DH thinks she’s wonderful. He doesn’t see that she’s sly and rude, and obviously she obsesses over him. Her mum and dad expect me to pick up the slack childcare wise, which is getting harder and harder the more she irritates me!

I feel like a terrible person but I just can’t help it is there anyone else in the same boat?

I don't know any kids around that age who aren't annoying. I suspect the problem is that she is being forced down your throat.

What would your DH do for childcare if you weren't there? It seems as if everyone including you has decided you "should" be doing huge chunks of care on top of your job. If you feel guilty for not liking it, please stop feeling that way. The entire media and Internet during lockdown was wall to wall jokes and memes about how people don't want to WFH while caring for their OWN kids.

I've got my DD in nursery this week while I'm not even working, because I. Need. A. Break. You sound like you need one too. Have you expressed that to DH? Time to start moving boundaries back to where you want them.

She may improve with age, mind you, my DSS2 did and is a delight at 10. I still wouldn't have him 3 days a week on my own though.

My sister loathes her SC and with good reason. No longer children but just still fucking awful.

@deflatedstepmum12

This is the thing, I’m not - I work from home (luckily) and end up working very early in the morning and very late at night. My husband works away and I only sleep for about 5 hours a night to keep on top of everything. Perhaps that’s part of the stress!

Oh wow! Yes you're going to get frazzled if you're looking after the young 'un on top of that. I think you need to have a chat with your partner and explain what isn't working for you. If he listens and changes things then thats great. If he doesn't then consider billing for all the childcare!

The less you do for them the easier it will be to cope with their behaviour as resentment won't build up. I had to stop doing my DSC's dinners as they kept being rude to me and I just didn't have that natural "it's ok they are little darlings the rest of the time" instinct. It got a lot better. Now I quite enjoy the eldest DSC's cheeky sense of humour.

I wouldn’t stay with someone if I didn’t like their child. It’s not fair on anyone concerned.

If someone is patronising to me I'll reply "I don't think that comment was quite patronising enough. Give it another try, would you"!

@NeverAgain123456

Good grief yes! I hate my SC - sorry to say that out loud but it’s totally true.

Are you still with their parent? If so how do you cope with contact if you actually hate them?

It’s not too late to take a massive step back. She has two parents. You’re neither of them.

It’s all very well having a life together but it sounds like he and his ex are both totally taking the piss out of you, your time and your tolerance.

What’s the worst that would happen if you weren’t available and you just said no you’re busy so they’ll have to sort childcare?

Whatever’s going on with your DSD it seems like the main issue if you being left with a child who could and should be with one of her two parents.

@deflatedstepmum12

This is the thing, I’m not - I work from home (luckily) and end up working very early in the morning and very late at night. My husband works away and I only sleep for about 5 hours a night to keep on top of everything. Perhaps that’s part of the stress!

Kids this age are going to push your buttons because it's just an annoying age so it's ok that she annoys you.

I think this quote highlights the real issue. A parent doing this even for their own child will burn out. When my toddlers not sleeping I really struggle to manage him. Sleep deprivation is really damaging to your mental health, so please please stop doing this. If your working then the answer is no I cant babysit I'm working.
What you need to do is sit down with you DH and explain the detrimental effect this is having on your mental health and your relationship with you DSC. Get you DH to find camps, clubs or some other solution to this, if you feel like it offer to help with this.

Also suggest you do a post search here with the keywords 'I hate my child'. Just that in the titles alone will do.

I agree you should put a stop to the childcare. They're both taking the mickey and should sort it out between them - that's a parents' job!

I think it's much harder with other peoples kids. Your own you're programmed to love even when they're being little horrors - but of course you don't have that with other peoples. And I don't see why SC are any different to other peoples kids.

I disliked my nephew when he was growing up. He was so patronising and annoying - but he grew out of it. Luckily I didn't have to see him that much when he was being a little shit.

I also have a friend who has the most annoying son. He's rude and aggressive and if he was my SC I could definitely see myself ending the relationship as a result. Interestingly his dad (parents are divorced) actually was dumped by a girlfriend as she couldn't cope with his behaviour.

One SS I adore (younger boy).

The older SD (older girl) I dislike.

She’s rude, has no empathy, is unkind, won’t look at me, talk to me, in the 7 years I have known her I’ve had a couple of monosyllabic answers. She’s a complete stranger to me.

I’ve tried and tried but she just isn’t interested. She has a very high conflict mother who influences her. Only a parent could love a child who treats another human being this way. And I don’t subscribe to ‘oh… but you’re the adult’…..

After discovering I’m referred to as ‘her’ I stopped trying & took a massive step back. When you don’t expect anything from someone you won’t be disappointed.

If I never saw the child again I wouldn’t really care.

Parents see their children with rose tinted glasses, as SP we see their flaws.

I think if a birth parents were honest they would admit to not liking their own DCs at times. Or maybe I’m just a terrible parent…..

The problem with your own DCs is that you have no choice. You made them, they live with you, might be little shits but you’re stuck. Step DCs are different - the bond isn’t there that MAKES you stick with it. Blame the DM, DP, DSCs. The DCs themselves are probably just being kids

I’m another one that had a rule (after a bad experience with very demanding and spoilt children) no partners with DCs.

Also being around a child that age when you are not used to it can be grating

I can’t bear my stepdaughters

There I said it

One is lazy,refuses to get a job (she’s 18),she seems to think we are all here to serve her needs and pay for her every want and need until she marries a rich man-then we can fuck off,she’s rude,a thief,a liar,greedy,dirty,shit stirring madam and I’ll never forgive her for punching my sons dog-then trying to lie her way out of it

The other-well she has zero personality,manners or charm at all-in fact she’s turning out to be just like her big sister (she’s 14)

She refuses to speak to me unless she wants something (she pretends to be shy),I’ve never heard a please or thank you come out of her mouth and is very good at playing mum off against dad

I refuse to allow them into my home if I’m there-he takes them out for the day-in fact he has brought them back twice while I was at work and both times my stuff went missing,never to be seen again (twice in the last 6/7 months)

I know that sounds awful but I got sick of hiding in my bedroom while they had the full use of my home-I’d be sat on my bed,listening to the pair of them slagging me off,calling me the foulest names and coming up with the biggest lies ever,just so they could run back to tell mum who is that dim she believes it and then she causes so much trouble for us

If they both left planet earth tomorrow,I’d be very happy-and believe me,I never thought I’d be that person

Wow 😟

You do know that children can tell when someone "hates them".

Also spare a thought for how hard it is to be part of a split household - it's very lonely and having to share your parent with a "partner" can be devastating and make a child feel seriously unloved - I was that child 💔 except I was a good girl - kept my feelings inside and have suffered from depression and anxiety since the age of 17 as a result (58 now).

Time to step back from the childcare.you have a job and the amount is ridiculous. She has two parents and your DH will have to alter arrangements, get a job closer to home or pay for professional childcare.

Less time spent with her will help if you wish to maintain your relationship with your DH.

There is no reason you shouldn't also have a conversation with both parents to say that you will no longer accept her rudeness to you and will discipline accordingly (screen time etc) especially if you are in loco parentis is this much. Agree what is acceptable and effect it. If you were her nanny or her teacher she wouldn't get away with it. You don't have to be a doormat because you are a step parent.

My SC were 7/8 and 11 when I met there dad and I had no children, I would of said I would never of got involved with such baggage but you can't help who you fall for!

The only way we survived I think us that I only participated in the 'fun' stuff and when I wanted too. I planned birthdays etc but then also buggered off out whey the kids were there as I didn't enjoy too much time around them at those ages.

I made it clear I wouldn't ever have them alone for more than a couple of hours etc and when we moved in together 2 years later his family and the EX automatically decided I was default childcare which I refused and DH had my back.

Ex asked him to have the kids a extra week in summer and he said he couldn't last minute as he was working nights and her reply was 'yeah but xxx is there and she's off work isn't she?'
He replied yes but it's not her responsibility to watch them alone at night then with me in bed all morning. She flipped and I know his family thought I was unfair.

I'm lucky that he's very rarely expected much from me in that way

(now 14/15 and 18) we have. Lovely relationship, they stay over more when dads on nights because they are more self sufficient and we have laughs etc. I honestly think our relationship is better for my actions early on

You have to extricate yourself from the childcare.

Honestly, I cannot understand how and why your supposed ‘D’H cannot step back, look at your work responsibilities/ how little sleep you’re getting and ask you if you’re ok? This is about the 12th thread in so many days where I am honestly sat here shaking my head at how (bluntly) rubbish some of these fathers are and how much ‘parenting’ they are pushing onto their wives/ partners. (And it’s why so many posters are saying ‘fuck that, you need to leave’). Because it’s a complete piss take.

The ex is getting help with childcare so she doesn’t care.
He’s not even home to help (working away!) and yet gets to be father of the year as he is looking after his child (even though he isn’t), 3 nights a week and EOW. And muggins (sorry, but you) is doing the parenting for him!

The reason people are telling you to leave is that this is such a piss take of such an immense scale, we cannot fathom how he thinks this is acceptable. And also how you’ve allowed this.

I’m not surprised you don’t like the child. The adults around the child (the actual parents) have put you in this situation. You’ve been naive and sort of allowed it to happen. The child herself probably doesn’t want to be spending time with you (she wants her parents) so basically both you and the child are losing in this scenario.
The parents are winning.

How many days/ nights is your ‘D’H even home to parent/ take care of HIS child?

(Honestly my mind is blown by this and the other threads.)

I’m just stunned at how much childcare you provide. I’m not surprised it’s affecting your life so much. It sounds really hard.

I would stop doing this completely. Give your DH a week’s notice to make other arrangements.

If your DH is not available then he needs to find appropriate childcare. As does DD’s mother. Please put yourself first for once and step away from this abuse of your good nature.

I agree with PPs that this is a tricky age, but I bet you will find much more resilience and tolerance for it, and start liking your DD again, when she is not left with you all the time by both her parents. 💐

@deflatedstepmum12

This is the thing, I’m not - I work from home (luckily) and end up working very early in the morning and very late at night. My husband works away and I only sleep for about 5 hours a night to keep on top of everything. Perhaps that’s part of the stress!

This is modern day slavery, right?

All your bases are belonged to them.

Op. Read this thread. It makes for sobering reading. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels - that a poor woman has had her good nature fundamentally taken advantage of. And that even when being faced with divorce, this man is completely unable to make the changes required to keep his family unti together. Instead insisting that even post separation, his STBEW has his DC (her SDC) as standard part of contact.

The sheer entitlement on behalf of the STBEH blows my mind. As does how long the OP put up with this and fundamentally enabled it (how abusive the relationship is is fundamentally unclear).

The red flags in that post is what is causing people to have red flags in your post. How and why is your SD in your sole care when her own father is away, working?

You have clearly normalised this, to most of us this isn’t normal.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4325171-Possibly-a-sensitive-topic-but-AIBU-to-say-no-to-this

They'd find alternative childcare if you weren't around, so you need to assert yourself at times and say you can't help them. She's not your responsibility.

Looking after kids you don't like, should only be done at work or where you have a parental obligation IMO. Neither apply to you.

Just tell her dad you need to. 3 days a week and EOW is quite a lot when you don't like someone.

My SC are primarily cared for by DH. I used to do a lot of pick up/drop offs and care but it wasn't working for me. We would have then on days I didn't have my DC and so some weeks we had kids constantly and it got too much (I don't have my child 100% so I am used to my time alone) we talked it through and sorted a better routine and now DH does all pick ups/drop offs. I might help out with the odd one if he cannot do it. When they are here I get time away with my DC so he gets time alone with his. I think it is important. They don't come to see me they come for him so if I happen to be around then great if not then they don't miss me. It sounds like you are doing too much and it can be hard when kids mimic the other parent especially if they have made life difficult for you in your relationship. I read a really good book about step parenting called skirts at war and it really helped me step back and see it from other angles and has made me worry/stress a lot less. I have to admit my SC have their moments but it is because they are predominantly parented by people who parent differently to me but they know our house rules and adapt well to them.

Take a step back and let dad parent and have a schedule you cannot just drop. I have a few hobbies which helps me say no but my DH wouldn't ask unless desperate.

I always like my SC but this is because they are nice children and I am not expected to do the drudge of parenting for them.

It is natural that someone would dislike a person who treated them like dirt and was ungrateful, especially if they were expected to provide care for them. Some posters here like to shame step parents for these natural feelings but I can guarantee that they would feel the same in the same situation.