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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step parent perspective on this please

71 replies

StarryNight468 · 16/08/2021 21:29

I am a step parent, but this is about my dc not my sdc and DHs perspective.

My dc are teens (14 and 15). They've just discovered going out! They made friends at the local youth club at the start of the holidays and now they're out all the time. I'm very happy for them!

I've been plating their dinner up for them to reheat when they come home. Yesterday I told ds to either be home for 5.30 for food or 9 if he wanted to eat as after 10 is too late imo (10 is his curfew, the same as his friends). Ds came home at 9.45 and had a shower and went to bed. Not sure why he didn't eat, I assume he filled up on sweets as it was his birthday Saturday and dh bought him a big box of sweets.

Dh has said today that I really pissed him off by not making ds come home to eat and his options should be - in for dinner, or if its plated up it has to be eaten and if it's wasted again there won't be a dinner there for him as he's not buying food to chuck in the bin.

I feel really uncomfortable with that tbh! Whether it gets eaten or not the food would be bought and cooked. I had my teenage years with my grandparents and then in care so not really sure what the norm is. My grandad always plated me up a dinner to reheat if I wanted it and if I didnt want it I made something else and ate that the next day if I fancied eating it. Dh mum stopped cooking for him when he was around 15 as he wasn't ever in for food and she didn't didn't want to cook for someone who wouldn't be there to eat it. I think thats pretty harsh tbh.

Dh says this is how its got to be or he is going to be resentful.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2021 21:47

I think they should come home for their evening meal unless eating at a friends and you know in advance that’s the plan. I’d not be happy with them not eating nor wasting food.

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2021 21:50

They should come home to eat or at least let you know before you cook that they won’t be eating?

When I was a teen I always came home for dinner and then went out again after unless I was having dinner at a friends house then I would let my mum know not to cook for me.

ParityJ · 16/08/2021 21:50

Dh says this is how its got to be or he is going to be resentful.

Let the grown man be resentful all he likes. Unless he is also 14 years old..

Do they have phones? Could they text if they won't be home for tea? Or, don't cook for then, keep a couple of frozen meals in for when they get home if they want them.

Either bought frozen meals or frozen portions of what you cook. Chili and Bolognese are classis freezer fodder 😁

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 16/08/2021 22:00

Hmm we don't eat at the same time every evening. Some evenings it's early and ready by around 5.30, sometimes it can be 7 or later. I could text them and let them know and I could make a few freezer 'ready meals' - although I'm not that organised. I work 42hrs a week so would have to start adding to the freezer bit by bit instead of doing it in one go.

@ParityJ I didn't like the - this is how it's got to be or I'll be resentful either, but we're practicing saying our feelings and not letting resentment build up on either side.

OP posts:

ParityJ · 16/08/2021 22:04

As they're kids, just get 3 boxes of.microwave pizzas or a few 'pierce film lid' microwave meals. It won't kill them for a few holiday weeks to have one now and then.

negomi90 · 16/08/2021 22:04

DH needs to but out. This doesn't effect him unless he's paying for the food.
If he's saying do what I say or I will resent it, then you have much bigger issues than the food one.

Youseethethingis · 16/08/2021 22:17

Team DH. Needless waste of food, "not a hotel" etc. Seems a bit disrespectful to expect a full meal to be waiting to see if you feel like it or not. In/out/freezer/ready meal would be the options in this house.

KylieKoKo · 16/08/2021 23:55

It seems pretty wasteful to cook stuff that just ends up in the bin. I agree that at the very least that if it's plated it be eaten, perhaps for lunch the next day if you don't want to be inflexible.

At that age I was expected to tell my parents if I wasn't going to be home for dinner before they had started to cook it. It's common courtesy really.

Tiredoftattler · 17/08/2021 00:02

OP, if I were working 42 hours a week, in part to easy that I could feed my children, I would resent ANYONE telling me when, if ,or how my children could eat.

In the spirit of not building up resentment, I would let my husband know how much I resented his statement . My solution would be to ensure that no portion of his financial contribution to the household would be used to purchase their food. Thus he would have no reason to feel that either his food or his money was being wasted.

Hercisback · 17/08/2021 00:06

Why would you waste that food?

This isn't a step parent issue. It's bonkers you think it's ok to throw away a plate of food every day.

You let it go this once, next time no tea unless he's home. You'll always have toast in. DS can eat that.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 17/08/2021 00:12

This has happened once? I imagined from your DH's reaction it had become a regular occurrence. I would have a word with DS about wasting dinner but I wouldn't be issuing ultimatums or refusing to cook for him again over a one time thing.

Who does the cooking, out of interest?

Blamelesscars · 17/08/2021 00:23

Personally I would say either in for dinner or make themselves something when they get in like a sandwich or something that can be easily microwaved. If that’s a portion of whatever you’ve plated up fine but I do think of it doesn’t get eat then your DC should have the leftover for lunch or dinner next day otherwise it’s a massive waste of food

When I was 14/15 or older I was either in for dinner or not. If not I had to feed myself. Which was fine because I could cook but if not My mum would have scorched me to make myself a sandwich or simple food

Tiredoftattler · 17/08/2021 00:44

@Hercisback
I doubt that the OP ' s children are wasting so much food that it is causing a food or budgetary crisis. If the kids are not there to eat food need not be plated for them. Surely food can be refrigerated and eaten later.

I find the food issue far less troubling than I would find being told that after I work every day to provide for my children that there are circumstances under which they will not be permitted to eat.
Again, my solution would be to ensure that only my funds were used to purchase food for them.

If you are living and working in a first world country , how likely is it that your budget or financial situation will be wrecked because you have to refrigerate food for a few days?

This situation reeks of a need to control. I find the husband's response far more troubling than the kids missing a few meals.

Hercisback · 17/08/2021 00:55

If OP throws the food away that is a waste of food. Whether your budget can afford it is irrelevant, none of us should be so environmentally wasteful.

This is a decision OP needs to make. Perhaps her H raising it has drawn her attention to it. As a one off its OK but if there's no consensus it will keep happening.

Tigertealeaves · 17/08/2021 01:09

If it's a one off, he was over-reacting, but if food is made and thrown away regularly then that is stupid. As a teen going out a lot, if I missed meals then I ate from the freezer.

My DSC waste mountains of food and I do resent it to be honest and hate the environmental implications and the entitlement when many families I work with are on the breadline. I just paid £250 for a family food shop. I know DSC will waste a lot of this by only eating half their meals but gorging on biscuits and chocolate spread. DP is also terrible at using leftovers. I may as well flush money and food directly down the toilet. Perhaps it is worth exploring with your DH why he said what he did.

Tiredoftattler · 17/08/2021 01:13

@Hercisback
Why should the food be wasted or throw out? Once again, in a first world country, it is easy enough to refrigerate or freeze food. In many, many homes it is not uncommon to eat leftovers several days after the initial preparation. My kids often eat food 2 to 3 days later and will snack on said food on the weekends.

The OP's husband is over the top with his extreme response and if OP pays for the food it does not cost him time or money.

This is a pretty insignificant issue about which to have such an extreme response.

Each to his own, but that is a response that I would find intolerable far more than the potential environmental impact of a wasted meal or 2.

I guess i just don't do well with being told how I must handle a situation to which I am an equal contributor and for which I would be more than willing to be the sole contributor.

You tell children what can or cannot happen ,but that is not the most appropriate way to deal with an adult who has equal standing.

Hercisback · 17/08/2021 01:16

The OP said it got thrown. I wouldn't have thrown it. Just pointing out that constantly throwing away food is wasteful.

RedMarauder · 17/08/2021 05:36

From 13 I would regularly make my own evening meal to avoid my mum waiting around for me. Lots of times it would be left overs from the fridge, cereal or toast. Left overs would be in containers not on a plate as it wasn't specifically for me and it meant it could be given to anyone.

If your child can't be bothered to tell you they will be in then make sure they have a choice of toast, sandwich foods, left overs and food they can cook quickly themselves. Also to avoid them eating the next days meals make sure you organise the fridge, freezer and cupboards so they know where this food will be.

HappyMeal564 · 17/08/2021 05:50

My mum did stuff like lasagne, spag bol etc. It would be in the fridge so if we came in and wanted it we could heat it up. She did meat and veg etc too but if youndont eat that evening it can be earmed up for lunch the next day. I think your sounds a bit harsh

Rosiiiiie · 17/08/2021 05:51

You’re a very accomodating mum!! My mum would be like ‘who do you think you are this isn’t a bloody hotel you can’t just come and go as you choose’.

zoemum2006 · 17/08/2021 06:33

Although you might need to make some tweaks regarding the admin of dinner and your kids communication, my problem would be with DH’s heavy handed behaviour: HIS money wasted on food when you work 42 hours a week? His RESENTMENT if you don’t do things as he wants?

No no no. He could have a gentle word to encourage you to expect the kids show the proper respect but ultimatums would make me very angry.

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 07:00

If you don't eat at the same time then I'd just say he can have left overs or get some microwave meals in. At 15 he'll probably like the independence of making a ping meal by himself.

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 07:01

Your DH needs to watch his language though. I agree with @zoemum2006

54321nought · 17/08/2021 07:04

no, its not ok for a teen to be so disrespectful and wasteful.

They TELL you in advance if they are not coming home for dinner.

You don't plate anything up.

Bread bin and fruit bowl if they need a snack later

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 07:08

no, its not ok for a teen to be so disrespectful and wasteful. the teen is just following the rules that mum has set. I don't think anyone has done anything disrespectful here. It just needs a rethink to minimise waste.

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