Step parent perspective on this please

[StarryNight468]

I am a step parent, but this is about my dc not my sdc and DHs perspective.

My dc are teens (14 and 15). They've just discovered going out! They made friends at the local youth club at the start of the holidays and now they're out all the time. I'm very happy for them!

I've been plating their dinner up for them to reheat when they come home. Yesterday I told ds to either be home for 5.30 for food or 9 if he wanted to eat as after 10 is too late imo (10 is his curfew, the same as his friends). Ds came home at 9.45 and had a shower and went to bed. Not sure why he didn't eat, I assume he filled up on sweets as it was his birthday Saturday and dh bought him a big box of sweets.

Dh has said today that I really pissed him off by not making ds come home to eat and his options should be - in for dinner, or if its plated up it has to be eaten and if it's wasted again there won't be a dinner there for him as he's not buying food to chuck in the bin.

I feel really uncomfortable with that tbh! Whether it gets eaten or not the food would be bought and cooked. I had my teenage years with my grandparents and then in care so not really sure what the norm is. My grandad always plated me up a dinner to reheat if I wanted it and if I didnt want it I made something else and ate that the next day if I fancied eating it. Dh mum stopped cooking for him when he was around 15 as he wasn't ever in for food and she didn't didn't want to cook for someone who wouldn't be there to eat it. I think thats pretty harsh tbh.

Dh says this is how its got to be or he is going to be resentful.

Why would anybody throw food away? We have fridges and freezers. We have microwaves.
We have storage containers that can be used in any of those appliances.
Wasting food is unnecessary.
IME in this day and age family members do often need to eat at different times and it isn't an issue.
Also, teenagers should be perfectly capable of preparing a meal for themselves.
Pasta, beans on toast, sandwich, baked potatoes?

It seems there's two issues the DH saying he will feel resentful and then the food waste. s others have said upthread get some microwave meals in the freezer and if you are plating up food can you use it for the next day for your lunch / someone else's if the teen doesn't eat it. Food waste is bad but it seems like a big faff in your household. I accept my kids as teens eat at odd times now as they are out more too. There's plenty of cereal and milk, fruit and a few microwave easy to make things in the freezer. If we've had spaghetti bolognese there will be sauce left over and the kids can make the pasta fresh and just warm up the sauce. Your DH sounds like a pain saying he will be resentful if he's so bothered he can have the leftovers the next day for his lunch or dinner. You sound like a very caring mum working 42 hours and trying to cater to your kids different timings and meals.

If you are all.sitting down to an evening meal together, then your teen should be there for most meals. Then back out to his friends if he likes. You can keep in touch by text what time dinner is served.

On the agreed nights he is out at dinnertime, just box up the leftovers and pop in the fridge. He can eat it when he gets in, or someone else can have it for lunch the next day.

So I usually spend more money a month on food shopping as I have two hungry teens. I cook more too. The roast on Sunday was cooked by DH (with help from me) and we had gone 50/50 on the food shop for it.

I really disliked being told what to do with my dcs food. I'm trying to see if my dislike of being told what to do is outweighing the sensible thing to do.

I honestly have no issue with plating up dc food for them to reheat later or the next day. Dh wastes loads of food, he buys insane amounts of soft fruits that go off ect so he's not pissy because of an environmental issue.

I think from now on I'm going to check with dc if they want food and if they do plate it up and pop it in the fridge. If they don't eat it they can have it the next day. I'm not sure why dh is getting annoyed about it but as he rarely does any cooking I'll make sure that there are a few naice ready meals in the freezer for days that he cooks so he doesn't have to see food he's cooked/bought be wasted.

My dc can cook/make basic things, tuna pasta, fresh pasta and sauce, freezer food, French stick pizzas ect I just don't want them coming in at 10 and making heavy food as I feel it's too late to eat. I'm going to stick to either be in for dinner or be in by 9 if you want proper cooked food or crack on with a bowl of cereal when you're home.

I’m with most people you are too accommodating. If they aren’t home for dinner they should let you know and no food left. As people have said some ready meals or easy cook can be available for them to make themselves .

Maybe he is a tad envious of their freedom?
My dh doesn't get to make rules for my dc... He seems to have forgotten he was a dc and is quite a complainer of teens. Under his breath to me not in front of them.
Agree to the freedom and plated up meals for the holidays.... New rules come September for all I imagine anyway!
Your dh sounds quite spiteful.

Sorry but ours would be home for dinner or they'd be making something themselves when they got in. Not a chance would I leave entire platefuls of meals to go wasted that's ridiculous.

I would plate up and leave, but I'd get pissed off if it became a habit that they then didn't eat it, either that night or next day. But, actually, I think it's quite disrespectful for your DC not to tell you if they're coming home for tea or not. Surely a quick text wouldn't be too hard?

I really don't feel that I'm being too accommodating. I would be plating their food up anyway, what is the difference if they eat it later?
On Sunday I put clingfilm over ds plate and put it in the microwave as it was to hot to go in the fridge. Ds then didn't come in to eat it and I forgot to put it in the fridge when it had cooled as it wasn't in eyesight. Ds should have come in to eat, but he's only just started going out and I remember being 14 and liking being out with my friends and not wanting to come home.

I could faff about and put it in containers to go in the fridge for them to plate up themselves instead, and that would ensure I wouldn't forget about it. I could then eat it for lunch if it didn't get eaten.

I do think DH is being controlling about this. I'm trying to work out if he's being reasonable and other families would say the same thing as him. I remember living in a Foster home where if you weren't in then tough shit and it was horrible as I never ate properly. I want my dc to eat vegetables ect and not live on ready meals or freezer food.

At the ages they are they can cook for themselves. If they are out more often than in at mealtimes. Just ask them to drop you a text if they'll be home for tea if they won't be just have things in the freezer they can make themselves. It's really not a big battle worth having.

Is this about your dh not approving of your parenting (maybe he thinks the teens have too much freedom)? If so, do you have any dc together? How old are the sdc and how much time do they spend in the home?

If your parenting choices are impacting his dc, then I see his point. If not... well, I wouldn't do it your way, but yours is a perfectly valid plan. Teens are happy and have food available when they want it. Job done.

I think it's common courtesy to let you know if he will be home for dinner. Regardless of whether DH points it out or not. DH may have been a bit rude pointing it out, but his point is valid that DS should be eating the food if you have prepared it.

Untangle the two things.
Issue 1 is DH telling you how to parent. This possibly isn't OK depending on what he said and how he said it.
Issue 2 is DS and hit tea.

My 15 yo will sometimes be out when we have dinner, we portion up what’s left over, stick a container in his fridge and he eats it the next day or later that day.

There’s no ‘waste’ in someone eating later on

If he’s not going to eat it (rare) I’ll freeze it and it’s then in the mix for a ping dinner or lunch for anyone else.

Dh wastes loads of food, he buys insane amounts of soft fruits that go off ect so he's not pissy because of an environmental issue.

I'm not sure why dh is getting annoyed about it but as he rarely does any cooking

So he wastes food himself, but is annoyed when your kids do it? he doesn't cook much but gets annoyed when your kids don't eat food you've cooked?
Then demands you do it his way or he'll get "Resentful"

He sounds like a hypocritical and jealous child. Does he stomp his ickle feets and pout when he doesn't get what he wants? Poor ickle lad probably needs a napnap.

Sounds exhausting to be around to me but I am done with dealing with relationship nonsense. Tell him to wind his neck in and grow up.

It's not really about the effort of plating it up for now or later for me OP, but your DH is right about the waste. I'd be really pissed if platefuls of food was going to waste like that.

I also think 10pm curfew for a 14 year old is mad personally but each to their own.

And yes I agree, I don't see what would be difficult about them letting you know whether they'll be back for tea or not?

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday 100% I believe he is envious of their freedom. I don't think he's realised that though. His dm is absolutely lovely, but from the sounds of it when he was a teenager she washed her hands of him and he had to do everything for himself. He's thinking the way his dm was to him as a teenager is the right way, but I think the way my grandparents were with me is the right way.

Ds should have text me and said actually I'm not eating now dm. I just don't think not plating him food if he does that again is the right thing to do for me and my dc. It doesn't sit right.

My oh is a stickler for waste or disrespect and he’s absolutely fine with the way we do things here

I don’t think you dp should be making too much of this, there’s no wrong being done here, no waste, but he’s clearly triggered by his childhood experiences

You are not his mother, and you’re making the food anyway and nothing is being wasted. He does need to butt out of it I think

I think your approach sounds pretty sensible - I would be asking them to let me know if they’d be back for dinner or not, as I think it’s a good habit to get into to be polite to those you live with. But no problem plating up or saving food if it’s the sort that will keep.

But I don’t quite understand your view that if it’s after 10pm it’s too late to eat. Obv it’s not ideal timing, but if I’m back after a late night where I haven’t eaten, I’d rather eat an actual meal than cereal. Is it because it’s too noisy? It just seems a little arbitrary.

He's annoyed out of principles, the same many SM are annoyed with the principles when their DH act like disney dads.

I am quite lenient when it comes to kids having freedom, so I don't think there's anything wrong with what you are doing, but I do think you are wrong to not teaching your kids to be grateful that they have been cooked a meal despite not eating it with them and that they shouldn't take that for granted by then not eating it so it's thrown in the bin. It's quite spoilt behaviour.

When my kids started to go out and come home after dinner is the time they learned to cooked for themselves!

@JudgeMary his curfew is 10 as we live in a large village and his friends curfews are also 10. Dh also thinks 10 is too late, but I remember my curfew being half an hour earlier than everyone else's and having to walk home by myself. I'd rather my dc were out with their friends and all walking back together rather than walking back earlier in the dark by themselves.

@Farwest dss is 8 and is here 50% the only impact my dc have by being out is that dss wishes they were home to play with him.

@kaleidoscopeheartless I don't want my dc cooking when they get in. It's too late, the dishwasher is usually on and by the time they would have cooked, cleared up and had a shower it would be after 11.

@Hercisback yes I can see there's two issues. I'm really OK with dh not being happy about something with my parenting. There's things he does that I'm not happy about with his parenting and we're trying to work together so that we're on the same team. There's things dh has compromised on with how he parents as it wasn't working when part of a family so I can't be a hypocritic and not take his feelings into account. He isn't the only person to feel like how he feels about ds and food.

@ParityJ he does have a lot of good points!

@MzHz I like the idea of freezing portions that don't get eaten. Then there's no waste, dh can't complain and there's a ready meal for them in the freezer if needed!

My oh takes the frozen stuff for his lunch at the office too, so he eats great food at work too, perhaps that might swing your dp round? Any food not eaten is up for grabs for lunches/late dinner.

I also freeze rice if it’s left over. frozen in portion sizes. Ds will often make himself egg fried rice or use it with a can of M&S curry (its brilliant stuff apparently!)

I think you should find out what is actually bothering your dh about all of this. Because if his concern is that he does not like the example/precedent being set for his own ds8, then it is a point that needs working out between you. If minor adjustments like putting the teens' portions straight into food containers in the fridge will make everyone happy enough, then it might be worth it.

Its not to do with dss. Dss is 8. But even if it was to with dss - my dc are at a completely different life stage than dss and ultimately they're my dc to make rules such as curfews with as long as it doesn't affect the rest of the house. Feels quite unfair that you expect my dc to not have normal teenage years because of dss @Farwest

I don't think Farwest is suggesting you treat the teens like an 8 year old. I think they are saying that what 8yo sees, is what they will expect later for themselves?

I have a 2yo DD, and because my DP lets his older DC eat all kinds of sugary cereal and snacks that I wouldn't choose, now she wants them. They also hit and kick each other in front of her. I'm not saying you shouldn't make rules for your own teens, but DH can have and share an opinion what example it is setting for his younger child.