Page 3 | Step parent perspective on this please

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Hercisback · 17/08/2021 12:22

How is expecting to know whether your DS is wanting tea or not depriving him of a normal teenage experience?

If

Tiredoftattler · 17/08/2021 12:24

OP, after reading some of your later postings , it occurs to me that perhaps your husband is just realizing how his time with his 8 year old will likely lessen as he reaches his teen years.
Maybe he is insisting on these unreasonably rigid rules as a way to prevent the inevitable loss of time with his own son in future years.

It is also possible that he envies the freedom and flexibility that your children are experiencing as these were not experiences that he had as a teenager.

Perhaps it would help to remind him that there is no one right way to parent and that the success or appropriateness of a parenting style is not determined by the process but instead by the outcome.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 17/08/2021 12:30

Why throw the food out? Can't the plate stay in the fridge for the him to eat the next night or two, depending on what dinner is. Then if he's not eating it you're only cooking and throwing out extras 2-3 times a week.

ShitShop · 17/08/2021 12:35

My DSs work funny hours and I never know what time they’ll be home. I plate up a meal and then they either eat it when they get in, or take it for lunch the next day. If they don’t eat it I will. If it’s freezable then it can go in there for another day. Or if chicken etc can be used cold to put in a sandwich or wrap another day etc

I don’t see why they should have to curtail their fun to come home and eat. With a gang of 4-5 of them, each with different dinner times, how would that work? They’d spend all evening waiting around for each other to come back out!

It’s not a big deal and your H’s reaction is weird and OTT in my view.

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 17/08/2021 13:47

@Tigertealeaves ok I hear what you're saying with that @Farwest apologies if that was a defensive response. I still don't agree with my dc having to have unreasonable (imo) restrictions because of how dh wants dss to be when he's a teen.

I'm happy to compromise with dh for a happy household but my compromise won't be my dc not having food that I've cooked or an earlier time to be home when I'm happy with their time to be home. I think my compromise will be a few posh ready meals for back up in the freezer so when dh cooks he doesn't have to worry about plating up food that may or may not be eaten that night. I will do my best to put a few home cooked meals in the freezer too.

BTW my dc aren't rude or disrespectful. They say thank you for meals cooked and take turns loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking the rubbish out and other jobs. I'm just not that fussed about when they eat their food although see dhs point about cooking food that then doesn't get eaten/thrown out as it's been left too long on the counter. I might start with the containers in the fridge so that doesn't happen again.

OP posts:

Farwest · 17/08/2021 14:09

Yes, my response was about ds8 wanting the same treatment when he is a teen, not now. And it wasn't a criticism of your parenting - more wondering if your dh disagreed with your parenting on this issue. And no, you shouldn't have to put more restrictions on yours - but you do need to have a conversation with dh about it. Sounds like sorting the 'plating' will sort the problem.

I don't think there's anything to be worried about regarding your teens. They sound like they are fine.

Of course it's good to cook for them still, even if they don't make it home for dinner, and it needn't create waste.

thing47 · 17/08/2021 15:13

Like PP I think your DH's language is a bit inappropriate to a conversation between 2 adults, but I do share his sentiment about wasting food.

We were pretty laid back parents when our DCs were young teens, but we did have a rule that they had to inform us whether they were going to be in for tea or not. Endlessly cooking meals for DC who then didn't appear, or came home later and didn't want it? No, not happening.

There was always stuff like tinned tuna and spaghetti available, plus plenty of bread, fruit, cereal, cheese etc

Topofthepopicles · 17/08/2021 15:20

In my family the teens have to text to say if they aren’t going to home and then the dinnwr is plated up and they microwave & eat it when they come home or sometimes the next day for lunch.

Topofthepopicles · 17/08/2021 15:22

I also think it’s very odd not to cook for a 15 yr old. My mum cooked for us until we left home and as we got older we would cook once a week for the family (from 17-19yrs). We were taught to be appreciative of whoever cooked but certainly it wouldn’t have been ‘withdrawn’ just because we had a social life. We just had to communicate.

SpaceshiptoMars · 17/08/2021 21:01

@StarryNight468

I'm with you on no cooking after 9pm! The smell of food cooking drifts around the house waking the younger children, and the pings of the microwave can be loud in the small hours.

Some years ago I used to heat a microwavable pad for an elderly cat at night (10ish). Eventually my neighbours asked if I could desist - because it was waking them just as they were dozing off!

SandyY2K · 18/08/2021 09:19

Your husband sounds jealous of their freedom. It reminds me of someone who said his DM stopped providing food when he was a teenager and he had to eat out at friend's houses or do what he could to find food. He told his wife, that he couldn't wait till his sons were teens, so they could fend for themselves and stop eating so much food.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all.

Soontobe60 · 18/08/2021 09:29

[quote StarryNight468]**@Tigertealeaves* ok I hear what you're saying with that @Farwest* apologies if that was a defensive response. I still don't agree with my dc having to have unreasonable (imo) restrictions because of how dh wants dss to be when he's a teen.

I'm happy to compromise with dh for a happy household but my compromise won't be my dc not having food that I've cooked or an earlier time to be home when I'm happy with their time to be home. I think my compromise will be a few posh ready meals for back up in the freezer so when dh cooks he doesn't have to worry about plating up food that may or may not be eaten that night. I will do my best to put a few home cooked meals in the freezer too.

BTW my dc aren't rude or disrespectful. They say thank you for meals cooked and take turns loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking the rubbish out and other jobs. I'm just not that fussed about when they eat their food although see dhs point about cooking food that then doesn't get eaten/thrown out as it's been left too long on the counter. I might start with the containers in the fridge so that doesn't happen again.[/quote]
It’s disrespectful for a child to not let their parent know where they are when they were expected in for their tea, and then to not eat it when they did eventually turn up.
Personally, if my 15 yr old DD was out all day and didnt a) let me know where they were at tea time, or b) return for their tea I’d be angry.
I made sure we had basic ground rules for the teen years - ie set time to come home, turn up for meals unless eating at a friend’s house - confirmed by the friend’s parent, set time to be home in the evening. Also, no hanging about on the street.

aSofaNearYou · 18/08/2021 09:58

It’s disrespectful for a child to not let their parent know where they are when they were expected in for their tea, and then to not eat it when they did eventually turn up.
Personally, if my 15 yr old DD was out all day and didnt a) let me know where they were at tea time, or b) return for their tea I’d be angry.
I made sure we had basic ground rules for the teen years - ie set time to come home, turn up for meals unless eating at a friend’s house - confirmed by the friend’s parent, set time to be home in the evening. Also, no hanging about on the street.

Personally I agree with this. You're not doing anything wrong per se, but I do think it would be a more positive thing to teach your DS that he needs to let you know whether he's going to be eating with you or not, to develop some consideration, and that would be a pretty easy compromise to come to in regards to DH. Doesn't stop DS having a social life, just teaches him a positive value alongside it.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 18/08/2021 10:09

I don't think it's too much to ask him to let you know if he won't be gone for dinner. It's not great to be wasting food unless it's only occasional.

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 18/08/2021 12:36

I am taking on board what others are saying. I don't see my dc as disrespectful, I gave him the wrong options - I said either be in for dinner or be in by 9 if you want to eat. Really I should have said be in for dinner or be in for 9 to eat but if you don't want to eat it let me know so I can put it in the fridge for tomorrow's lunch. I will do that in future.

@Soontobe60 I don't agree with what you've said at all. That's not how I parent. My dc are absolutely able to be trusted with going out with their friends. I have no issue with them hanging out at the local park/playing fields and their whereabouts not having to be accounted for for every minute of the day. I also have no issue with them not being home for dinner.

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 18/08/2021 12:46

OP, I think that you are parenting in the manner that you think best for your children, and as a parent that is what you should do.
Your partner should have the right to parent his child as he thinks best, and it does not appear that you are attempting to restrict his ability to parent his child as he chooses.

Sometimes presenting a united front simply means being united in our decision to respect the other's right to parent as they think best.

Your kids are not breaking any of your rules.

Tigertealeaves · 18/08/2021 13:38

@StarryNight468 yes I agree, at his age, he probably still needs teaching what to do, rather than being deliberately rude. DSS 13 here is really messy but if it is consistently pointed out he gets a lot better. I have to keep reminding myself that his dad just hasn't trained him to be tidy. Even though it feels disrespectful to find he has left a mess and gone off to mum's house, I know it's inexperience/lack of common sense to blame.

As your DC are new to going out independently, they probably just need a really clear set of rules/expectations going forward. The issue with DH sounds separate.

Frankola · 18/08/2021 19:49

Ds should let you know if he doesn't need anything plating up.

However, this is none of DHs business and he needs to pipe down.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 19/08/2021 14:56

@StarryNight468

I am a step parent, but this is about my dc not my sdc and DHs perspective.

My dc are teens (14 and 15). They've just discovered going out! They made friends at the local youth club at the start of the holidays and now they're out all the time. I'm very happy for them!

I've been plating their dinner up for them to reheat when they come home. Yesterday I told ds to either be home for 5.30 for food or 9 if he wanted to eat as after 10 is too late imo (10 is his curfew, the same as his friends). Ds came home at 9.45 and had a shower and went to bed. Not sure why he didn't eat, I assume he filled up on sweets as it was his birthday Saturday and dh bought him a big box of sweets.

Dh has said today that I really pissed him off by not making ds come home to eat and his options should be - in for dinner, or if its plated up it has to be eaten and if it's wasted again there won't be a dinner there for him as he's not buying food to chuck in the bin.

I feel really uncomfortable with that tbh! Whether it gets eaten or not the food would be bought and cooked. I had my teenage years with my grandparents and then in care so not really sure what the norm is. My grandad always plated me up a dinner to reheat if I wanted it and if I didnt want it I made something else and ate that the next day if I fancied eating it. Dh mum stopped cooking for him when he was around 15 as he wasn't ever in for food and she didn't didn't want to cook for someone who wouldn't be there to eat it. I think thats pretty harsh tbh.

Dh says this is how its got to be or he is going to be resentful.

Personally I would want my children in for dinner and to go out after if they wish. I can see your Dh point of view and think you need to compromise. Either they are in for dinner or they eat elsewhere.

Starseeking · 19/08/2021 20:55

Whoever I live with needs to let me know if they're coming home for dinner, so I am aware of whether to make them some or not. It's common courtesy. It used to drive me mad when I lived with my DSis and she used to not tell me; she thought I was trying to control her. Then when I moved out she was begging for us to live together again, despite me saying never again!

As your DC are only just discovering going out, if their curfew is 10pm, I can't see why they need to come home, eat, and go back out again. Presumably they will just get something to eat while out, and that shouldn't be made into a big deal at their age.

I wouldn't be plating a meal for when the DC get home though. I generally make extra, so whatever is leftover goes into a container in the fridge, and whoever wants it eat it the next day can do so, and it doesn't get thrown away.

I don't think this argument is about your DC wasting food though, it seems like there's something going on beneath the surface, particularly as you said your DH wastes fruit/food himself. It sounds like your DH feels he has no "control" in the house, and is trying to assert some authority, but is going about it the wrong way. I would hate being told what to do with my DC as well, so I get where you are coming from.

Perhaps have another conversation with your DH to try and find out what's really going on, and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Things might become clearer, and you'll know what steps, if any, you need to take next.

BareVanilla · 19/08/2021 21:00

I don’t like the idea of wasting food. Occasionally is fine, if it’s eaten later that evening or the next day then what’s the problem?. I’m assuming this is just a summer holiday problem so I’d choose my battles, term time different rules. It’s great they’re out with safe friends in a safe place and making up for all the months of lockdown.