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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Party rant

61 replies

NilPoisDrama · 14/08/2021 21:58

Ok, tell me if I’m being totally unreasonable.

DP & I have been together almost 2 years, we have been living together the last 8 months, his son lives with us 3/4nights a week, (3 nights one, 4 nights the other). DP and his ex split when son was 1.5 years old, so have been separated 6.5 years. I have an ok relationship with his ex. DP and ex only get on for child’s sake. I have been completely reasonable and tried to make their relationship as co-parents as stable as possible, despite a new person joining their team. We have a relationship where we will often have 5/10 minute chats based around DP son, just her and I. I’m not saying it’s been easy to get to this point in our relationship but I was under the impression we were very amicable.

Fast forward to today, DSS birthday party at mine & DP house. (He had a celebration at his mums where he just wanted a sleepover with a friend) He asked for a party too, his mum said she wasn’t having any part of the party as she hadn’t planned it, despite me asking if she wanted to help, she insisted she was happy doing separate things for DSS. 10 kids- friends from school and cousins, then adult family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and his mum. DP ex (child’s mum) turns up with one of her friends and completely ignores me, goes into the garden to DP family, speaks to them fine, I go out to the garden to sit and she turns away from me, blanks me the whole time as if I was invisible then disappeared. I went in to the kitchen to make teas and DP is with his father talking, I look out to the hallway and DP ex is walking down the stairs, she had been upstairs in the house, (?!) Even if she needed to use the loo she could have waited as there is one downstairs. I then noticed this wasn’t the first time she’d been upstairs, she was up and down about 3 times during the party (DP was downstairs in case anyone is thinking hanky panky and kids were outside playing). I didn’t question it, let it slide. She was still ignoring me, DP asked if I could do some party games so I did them and I went back into kitchen and she is making everyone tea, asking DP where things are etc. I said to DP shall we all sing happy birthday and cut cake before kids go. I get kids sitting together to sing, I went back in to the kitchen and there she is putting the candles on the cake with DP and being absolutely fine with him- despite me telling him she’s ignoring me.

When talking to DP she said as doing in a sweet sort of way, like butter wouldn’t melt, that she never talks to him in, they barely speak on pick up/drop off.

Cake done- she asks for a slice for her young nephew, I explain that we’re cutting the cake for party bags and can he wait until then. She ignored me and went “DP can you cut a slice for ‘said child’” I just looked at her?! And said again, cake is being cut to go into party bags as the kids are leaving in 3 minutes, DP agreed.

I’m quite frankly pissed off:
1 that she ignored me the whole day, but made sure she thanked me in front of DP family at the end of the party
2 about the going upstairs, which I am extremely confused about
3 every time I wasn’t in the room she was, eg, making people tea/ doing candles on the cake/ asking why this had or hadn’t been done

I do believe in moving forward I’m going to keep it brief or completely ignore her- she made her feelings very clear today in front of his family members and made me very uncomfortable in my own home.

However, I don’t think this would benefit anyone.

Anyway I’m just a little confused about everything today, I feel like I need a little rant or your opinions. Sorry it’s long, if you got to the bottom well done.

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 15/08/2021 12:37

Your playing mom to her child in such a short space of time everything was over the top and you seemed to take the lead with the party which likely got her back up. It sounds like it should be separate or somewhere more neutral and she can organise things.

Original poster

NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 12:43

We live close, about a 10/15 min drive depending on traffic so is completely doable. The only issue we have is pick up/ drop off time is often sporadic, depending on what time she gets home from work. She finishes work at 5pm, but we’ve had her turn up at 4:30pm unannounced and sometimes can be as late as 7:30pm. DP doesn’t say anything as we’re happy to have DSS for those extra hours, but on reflection it should have been brought up. DP will often drop him at his mums and I will wait in the car and she will ask DP to come in so he will be there 5 mins, not often but sometimes.

I know when school is back we will only have to see each other once a week as he is picked up from school on our contact days, it’s just waiting until then.

I think I need to drop the yesterday situation as I’m getting more and more upset about it, there’s nothing I can do now besides be civil and know very clear where I stand. To be honest I am grateful she was like that yesterday as I can see what she is really like, DP has said countless times that she is very up and down with how she treats people (him included) and now I can see this side to her.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 15/08/2021 12:44

I think that’s really unfair @Fullofglee.

OP isn’t ‘playing mom’. She lives with her partner. Which means teamwork. They both arranged the party, which DSS asked for.

DSS’s mum was invited to make it a joint event but refused. I don’t think OP overstepped. And is even if ex perceives she did, how does that excuse how the appalling behaviour?

Fullofglee · 15/08/2021 12:47

I'm saying it's likely how she sees it, her getting involved in party games socialising with the friends parents stuff that mom's tend to do when it comes to parties. It is quite full on after only 8 months living with them and only 2 years, I could see why she feels put out. She's jealous

Restlessinthenorth · 15/08/2021 12:52

Ffs! OP, it's your home too! Why does your partner get to decide she can come in and trump your feelings on the matter?! I seriously wouldn't tolerate this! There is seriously no reason why relations can't remain polite and appropriate with her stood at the door. It is your home, it is open to your DSS but not her rude mother! Do not back down on this or you are setting an awful precedent for yourself. You owe this woman literally nothing!!! She should be grateful that her son has a kind step mother who takes good care of of him, rather than resenting his presence, which is often the case

Original poster

NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 12:57

@Fullofglee absolutely appreciate your opinion and I agree that must have been really difficult for her to see, I’m trying to be objective as well and she knew that DP’s family would be there and that I get on well with them. I wouldn’t want to not talk to/get on with them for the sake of DP ex (of 6.5years). All the talking to DSS friends parents was done by my DP.

She had the opportunity to host the party but chose to have DSS friend over for a sleepover instead (whether this was down to cost or time)

OP posts:

Original poster

NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 12:59

@Restlessinthenorth I think this is my frustration, I wouldn’t invite someone into our home that my DP doesn’t get along with so I think it’s a little unfair to expect me to be ok with DSS mum to be invited in.

OP posts:

Restlessinthenorth · 15/08/2021 13:01

Only in the world of mumsnet would someone get called "full on" for ensuring the smooth running of a party for a child that has loved with said woman for at least part of each week for eight months. If she's jealous OP, that problem lays firmly with her, not you. You don't need to feel a moments guilt in any of this. Let's not forget....this woman declined to be involved and then turned up, in someone else home, without notice! It's literally the height of rude behaviour. Nip it in the bud now OP, or this won't be the last time you post about nonsense like this on here!

Restlessinthenorth · 15/08/2021 13:02

@NilPoisDrama it's not just a little unfair. It's grossly disrespectful!!!! You should not be coming way down the list of priorities, which you clearly are here

Fullofglee · 15/08/2021 13:04

Woman can feel abit insecure especially when it comes to another woman around their child. It's likely stirred some feelings up and she reacted to the situation. I think many women won't like to admit this though even men can feel this when it comes to their sons and step dad's doing boy stuff.

Tiredoftattler · 15/08/2021 13:51

OP, if this were any other invited guest wandering through your home, how would you handle it? You would likely not invite them to attend other events in your home. You would not spend excessive amounts of time trying to analyze their behavior. You would likely recognize it as a combination of nosey and inappropriate and move on; nosey and inappropriate can be found in many sectors and situations.

How much time are you willing to waste on over thinking a issue for which the solution is so easily employed?

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