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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Party rant

61 replies

NilPoisDrama · 14/08/2021 21:58

Ok, tell me if I’m being totally unreasonable.

DP & I have been together almost 2 years, we have been living together the last 8 months, his son lives with us 3/4nights a week, (3 nights one, 4 nights the other). DP and his ex split when son was 1.5 years old, so have been separated 6.5 years. I have an ok relationship with his ex. DP and ex only get on for child’s sake. I have been completely reasonable and tried to make their relationship as co-parents as stable as possible, despite a new person joining their team. We have a relationship where we will often have 5/10 minute chats based around DP son, just her and I. I’m not saying it’s been easy to get to this point in our relationship but I was under the impression we were very amicable.

Fast forward to today, DSS birthday party at mine & DP house. (He had a celebration at his mums where he just wanted a sleepover with a friend) He asked for a party too, his mum said she wasn’t having any part of the party as she hadn’t planned it, despite me asking if she wanted to help, she insisted she was happy doing separate things for DSS. 10 kids- friends from school and cousins, then adult family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and his mum. DP ex (child’s mum) turns up with one of her friends and completely ignores me, goes into the garden to DP family, speaks to them fine, I go out to the garden to sit and she turns away from me, blanks me the whole time as if I was invisible then disappeared. I went in to the kitchen to make teas and DP is with his father talking, I look out to the hallway and DP ex is walking down the stairs, she had been upstairs in the house, (?!) Even if she needed to use the loo she could have waited as there is one downstairs. I then noticed this wasn’t the first time she’d been upstairs, she was up and down about 3 times during the party (DP was downstairs in case anyone is thinking hanky panky and kids were outside playing). I didn’t question it, let it slide. She was still ignoring me, DP asked if I could do some party games so I did them and I went back into kitchen and she is making everyone tea, asking DP where things are etc. I said to DP shall we all sing happy birthday and cut cake before kids go. I get kids sitting together to sing, I went back in to the kitchen and there she is putting the candles on the cake with DP and being absolutely fine with him- despite me telling him she’s ignoring me.

When talking to DP she said as doing in a sweet sort of way, like butter wouldn’t melt, that she never talks to him in, they barely speak on pick up/drop off.

Cake done- she asks for a slice for her young nephew, I explain that we’re cutting the cake for party bags and can he wait until then. She ignored me and went “DP can you cut a slice for ‘said child’” I just looked at her?! And said again, cake is being cut to go into party bags as the kids are leaving in 3 minutes, DP agreed.

I’m quite frankly pissed off:
1 that she ignored me the whole day, but made sure she thanked me in front of DP family at the end of the party
2 about the going upstairs, which I am extremely confused about
3 every time I wasn’t in the room she was, eg, making people tea/ doing candles on the cake/ asking why this had or hadn’t been done

I do believe in moving forward I’m going to keep it brief or completely ignore her- she made her feelings very clear today in front of his family members and made me very uncomfortable in my own home.

However, I don’t think this would benefit anyone.

Anyway I’m just a little confused about everything today, I feel like I need a little rant or your opinions. Sorry it’s long, if you got to the bottom well done.

OP posts:
muchtoomuchtime · 15/08/2021 08:39

Given how much effort OP went to over the party and how carefully thought out her introduction to DC was, I assume she cares about her partner's child. And so talk of burnt bridges and tackling the ex's behaviour etc are really missing the point, the relationship is only maintained for the child. This is someone who will always be around so I think being the bigger person and letting this pass is definitely in the child's best interests. Tackling it will make civil relationships difficult in the future. However learn from it .... No more joint parties, if she asks next time your partner needs to say actually I think separate celebrations work better and stick to that. Because as an adult you can probably survive a day of a woman being rude to you (although I wouldn't allow repeat circs) but for the child this would have been difficult, and children don't miss these things.

lunar1 · 15/08/2021 09:23

I don't think there is any reasonable excuse for her behaviour, it sounds utterly bonkers and inappropriate.

You seem to have taken on a lot of wife work very quickly. I would leave them to their own co-parenting relationship and not try to help them manage it.

Your partner is equally to blame for what happened. I think you need a good talk with him about boundaries.

Original poster
NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 09:39

P said he will message DSS mum to tell her how I felt, but I simply cannot be bothered for the backlash. It could either go two weeks ways and she is apologetic or she isn’t very kind in her response, and I think after yesterday it would be the latter.

I agree, @girlmom21 I think she may have been telling friends that it wasn’t amicable grounds and the reason for the stone cold silence yesterday as one of her friends stayed the duration of the party, which I made conversations with, etc. I don’t think ex liked that either.

I asked DP if roles were reversed and I was in DSS mums house and I ignored her, went upstairs, started taking over her house- how she would feel and react. He has apologised but I feel like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place too.

In future I will take your advice and have a party away from the house- the only reason we had it this year is because it’s a new house and DSS wanted to show his friends. As for coming in our home, she won’t be doing that again as we clearly can’t trust her not to roam.

Thank you all for your replies!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2021 09:56

Two issues there I think, he shouldn’t be telling her how you felt as if he thinks she was fine but you were being sensitive or touchy. Why is he alright with her ignoring either of you in your own home or snooping upstairs? This isn’t a you problem.

And how is he stuck between a rock and a hard place? One of you is behaving badly, being rude and damaging the coparenting relationship, someone he hasn’t been with in nearly 7 years, who refused to hold a joint celebration then tried to ruin yours, yes she’s his son’s other parent but she spends half the week with her. The other is his committed partner, the woman he’s chosen to live with, who’s made an effort to be friendly with his ex, who helped plan the party, who’s kind to his son, who spends an equal amount of time with his son as the other parent.

There is no dilemma for him here. His loyalty should be to you. Any suggestion you’re being unreasonable or that he’s torn deserves serious words. You’ve got many years of this stuff ahead of you. Make sure you’re with someone who’s got your back and is the partner you really deserve.

Restlessinthenorth · 15/08/2021 09:59

He should not be messaging her to tell her how "you felt" (implying this is a matter of perspective rather than factuallly rude). It needs to come from him. I absolutely couldn't accept him not backing you 100% on this. Men are utterly pathetic relating to their ex's. Drives me mad

Getawaywithit · 15/08/2021 10:02

Make sure you have no personal items from your bedroom missing. Has she stolen any jewellery?

That’s a huge leap.

I have been completely reasonable and tried to make their relationship as co-parents as stable as possible, despite a new person joining their team

What you consider reasonable and what she considers reasonable could be miles a part. You’re also not part of her team - she had no choice in you being in her son’s life, she has no choice but to accept you. She doesn’t have to consider you as an equal parent. You may have joined DP’s team, but not hers.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2021 10:06

@AnneLovesGilbert

Two issues there I think, he shouldn’t be telling her how you felt as if he thinks she was fine but you were being sensitive or touchy. Why is he alright with her ignoring either of you in your own home or snooping upstairs? This isn’t a you problem.

And how is he stuck between a rock and a hard place? One of you is behaving badly, being rude and damaging the coparenting relationship, someone he hasn’t been with in nearly 7 years, who refused to hold a joint celebration then tried to ruin yours, yes she’s his son’s other parent but she spends half the week with her. The other is his committed partner, the woman he’s chosen to live with, who’s made an effort to be friendly with his ex, who helped plan the party, who’s kind to his son, who spends an equal amount of time with his son as the other parent.

There is no dilemma for him here. His loyalty should be to you. Any suggestion you’re being unreasonable or that he’s torn deserves serious words. You’ve got many years of this stuff ahead of you. Make sure you’re with someone who’s got your back and is the partner you really deserve.

All of this. OP, have you put any thoughts into the comments about you putting in way more work than you need to? I notice you still say "I" will have a party elsewhere next time. You're dealing with an antagonistic ex and a partner that doesn't particularly have your back. Why is it worth the effort for you to take the lead on organising a party for their kid for them? They should be doing it, together or separately.
funinthesun19 · 15/08/2021 10:13

I simply wouldn’t be engaging with her any further regarding dss or anything else going forward. No more phone calls discussing things and no more trying to work with her. It’s not your job to do any of that even in most amicable of relationships anyway.
It’s bizarre how she will speak to you over the phone about her son, but won’t even say hello to you at the party.

Spandang · 15/08/2021 10:20

OP. I’ve kind of had a similar experience with the ex.

And what I’ve come to learn is that, you take it personally. Whereas actually, it’s not normally you.

You know, she’d come here and claim it’s too upsetting - that’s fine, don’t come then.

She’d come and claim everything’s changed - that’s fine then don’t come.

She’d get upset because the house is something she can’t afford - that’s fine then don’t come.

She’d be upset because we have X and she doesn’t - well I’m sorry but that’s not my problem.

Except I’m the bad person in all of this because I’m living her life. I’m not, I’m living my life, she just perceives that all the things we have or do, are as a result of DP because she was utterly reliant on DP, chose to leave and her life didn’t change because she didn’t make it happen.

It wouldn’t surprise me if what you’ve experienced today is that. Don’t take it on. Don’t make it a slight against you. She wants to behave like that, that’s fine - but it’s not your problem and she doesn’t need to come in your home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2021 10:23

I definitely agree on stepping back from organising things like parties in future, he must have managed fine before you got together. It’s easy to get overly involved when you first start living together so you show you’re engaged and committed. Part of that can mean you overextend yourself and forget that you’re a bonus in your step child’s life when they already have two parents. As you’ve seen, that effort and investment can be resented or become an expectation. Possibly both. He’ll expect you to keep taking the lead because you started it and she’ll become even more chippy about it.

However, whatever you decide to do in future, if the two of you or DSS want a celebration or party at home you should absolutely have one. My DH ex hasn’t ever come into our house, not this one of 6 years or our previous one. It’s not an inevitable part of life that separated parents go in each other’s houses. And the risk of her just showing up and marching in should be nipped in the bud immediately by your DP and not put you off doing things at home as and when you like in future. Why on Earth should you have to go elsewhere because this woman is so rude she shows up when she hasn’t been invited? It’s very odd.

Bradford333 · 15/08/2021 11:19

NilPoisDrama I think that you were absolutely amazing to have tolerated such appalling behaviour from the ex without making a huge fuss. The ex on the other hand has shown that she hasn't moved on as far as your DP has in their relationship, maybe she is jealous. In respect of the tour maybe I am being extremely kind here, but perhaps she wanted to see her son's new bedroom etc in order to completely understand that he has a new life with a new step mummy. Whatever the reason, she was completely wrong, if she wanted to have a tour, a) she had plenty of opportunity to do so before or after the party and b) she should have asked. You stood tall NilPoisDrama, well done for handling it all so well.

JulesCobb · 15/08/2021 11:26

@aSofaNearYou

She's been very rude and shouldn't be invited to such things again. It also sounds like you've picked up an awful lot of wife work very early on. Next time I would sit back and let your DP sort out his child's birthday party. You don't have to do all that.
I agree with this. And i think it is what the earlier poster meant when they said op was bu.

Op, why did you take on so much responsibility for the party? Why didnt your dp?

MeridianB · 15/08/2021 11:29

@AnneLovesGilbert

Two issues there I think, he shouldn’t be telling her how you felt as if he thinks she was fine but you were being sensitive or touchy. Why is he alright with her ignoring either of you in your own home or snooping upstairs? This isn’t a you problem.

And how is he stuck between a rock and a hard place? One of you is behaving badly, being rude and damaging the coparenting relationship, someone he hasn’t been with in nearly 7 years, who refused to hold a joint celebration then tried to ruin yours, yes she’s his son’s other parent but she spends half the week with her. The other is his committed partner, the woman he’s chosen to live with, who’s made an effort to be friendly with his ex, who helped plan the party, who’s kind to his son, who spends an equal amount of time with his son as the other parent.

There is no dilemma for him here. His loyalty should be to you. Any suggestion you’re being unreasonable or that he’s torn deserves serious words. You’ve got many years of this stuff ahead of you. Make sure you’re with someone who’s got your back and is the partner you really deserve.

All of this. Has he explained why he didn’t stop her being rude, snooping and taking over?

And yes, make sure she doesn’t just walk in if she drops off or collects. We had this and also texts to DH asking why she hadn’t been invited to look around our house.

It’s great if exes get along but in your case, she’s shown you loud and clear how little she respects you, your role, your privacy, your home. So DP needs to back YOU 100%

Original poster
NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 11:38

@Getawaywithit You’re right, I haven’t joined her team and I completely agree with this. Again, being reasonable to one may not be to another so perhaps I need to rethink this. Just upset that she would usually converse with me over message/call and in person to point blank ignoring me yesterday.

Perhaps I need to address it with DP and he could have that conversation with her.

She was also upset as a family member on DP side has been diagnosed with an illness, he didn’t tell her as they are still doing tests to know the extent of illness and also it’s not relevant to her as it doesn’t affect DSS as they don’t want any of the young ones to know. It was brought up by family members yesterday in a private conversation that she over heard, she came to look for DP to ask why she ‘hadn’t been told’ and why the news ‘had to come from someone else rather than DP’. The family wanted it kept in the family and close friends and no one thought appropriate to tell her, I think that riled her too. That’s when she came to help with the candles as DP said she was questioning him when some of the children were around and he wasn’t happy as DSS may have over heard.

@MeridianB 100% with you here, as the saying goes actions speak louder than words and yesterday was crystal clear how she feels.

Again, for clarification, the pass the parcel game was already wrapped and I did 15min activity while DP done the 1hr45min. Perhaps that would be seen as too much involvement, I guess I wanted others to see that I am hands on and am there to help DP and DSS.

OP posts:
Original poster
NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 11:46

Also @Spandang thank you. Exactly this!

I think when she sees us, she sees what could have been between them. Despite the fact that they broke up 6.5 years ago and she has had partners between who have been involved with DSS life, she is now single. This is DP first ‘serious’ relationship since they split, so the first time she’d seen DP with a new girlfriend, seen her son around a new person and his family too. I can’t imagine it would have been easy for her but they haven’t been together a long time.

I obviously can’t speak for her so it’s only an assumption.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 15/08/2021 12:08

I’d definitely stop comms with her. Not in a flouncy way but it just doesn’t sound genuine from her side and DP can cover anything with her.

I’d actually block her for now.

SuperSketchy · 15/08/2021 12:16

I think she sounds horrible. I hate it when people do that thing where they walk right past you without any acknowledgement. I have met people who are a bit like this and it is so rude!

I think civil is the aim here. I've had to do this with the odd person and it's such a relief not having to worry about them any more.

You don't owe her a damn thing. Just ignore her silliness.

SuperSketchy · 15/08/2021 12:17

I wouldn't block actually. I'd be polite, bright, breezy and avoid her, but I'm a coward Grin

Original poster
NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 12:20

I have spoken with DP and explained I don’t want her in our house because of how she was with me yesterday and he’s said that’s not happening and she will come in on pick up/drop off if she has to because she is DS’s mum and it’s going to be more awkward if he does that and DS will pick up on it and get upset. I just said well how am I meant to feel when she is like that?

If he is insistent on allowing her in then I will just have to ignore her. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum but I feel after the way she was yesterday it’s me or her. If I had one of my family members over and they ignored him and did what she had done, he would have something to say about it, I wouldn’t even allow that behaviour from a family member, let alone an ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 12:22

Not me or her in a relationship way but he must chose if he wants a future with me. As I’m not putting up with that behaviour for the rest of my life, even if it is once in a blue moon. It’s completely uncalled for.

OP posts:
SuperSketchy · 15/08/2021 12:24

Honestly, you'll only upset your dss, your DP and yourself if you try to lay down the law. Unfortunately, I think you need to be very polite and business like and avoid her. Go for a walk around pick up time if you think you can't do bright breezy and detached. She will honestly look like such an arse if you're perfectly reasonable and she ignores you.

Original poster
NilPoisDrama · 15/08/2021 12:30

@SuperSketchy I agree, or I’ll ask DP to pick up or drop off from her house.

OP posts:
cansu · 15/08/2021 12:30

I think that you need to think about your dss and if you start making these kind of conditions, it will make life difficult for him. I would however be stepping back and making sure that all communication now is between her and your dp.

SuperSketchy · 15/08/2021 12:32

[quote NilPoisDrama]@SuperSketchy I agree, or I’ll ask DP to pick up or drop off from her house.[/quote]
Yeah, good idea. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home if it's easily avoided.

Is there any reason he couldn't do drop off at hers?

MeridianB · 15/08/2021 12:32

Does she live far?

My DH was not keen on the awkwardness of his ex wanting to come in at pick-up and drop-off. He didn’t want her inside the house either but he just didn’t want the confrontation.

She used to arrive 20-30 mins early each time so DSCs we’re not ready and it reinforced the impression that she expected to come in and look around/have a cup of tea while they were getting their things together. I know this would be completely normal for many people but she’d been consistently super vile.

Our solution was to do all the pick ups and drop offs (always waiting outside her place) so the confrontation never arose. She lived 5 mins away so I appreciate this isn’t ideal if you don’t live close by.