Party rant

[NilPoisDrama]

Ok, tell me if I’m being totally unreasonable.

DP & I have been together almost 2 years, we have been living together the last 8 months, his son lives with us 3/4nights a week, (3 nights one, 4 nights the other). DP and his ex split when son was 1.5 years old, so have been separated 6.5 years. I have an ok relationship with his ex. DP and ex only get on for child’s sake. I have been completely reasonable and tried to make their relationship as co-parents as stable as possible, despite a new person joining their team. We have a relationship where we will often have 5/10 minute chats based around DP son, just her and I. I’m not saying it’s been easy to get to this point in our relationship but I was under the impression we were very amicable.

Fast forward to today, DSS birthday party at mine & DP house. (He had a celebration at his mums where he just wanted a sleepover with a friend) He asked for a party too, his mum said she wasn’t having any part of the party as she hadn’t planned it, despite me asking if she wanted to help, she insisted she was happy doing separate things for DSS. 10 kids- friends from school and cousins, then adult family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and his mum. DP ex (child’s mum) turns up with one of her friends and completely ignores me, goes into the garden to DP family, speaks to them fine, I go out to the garden to sit and she turns away from me, blanks me the whole time as if I was invisible then disappeared. I went in to the kitchen to make teas and DP is with his father talking, I look out to the hallway and DP ex is walking down the stairs, she had been upstairs in the house, (?!) Even if she needed to use the loo she could have waited as there is one downstairs. I then noticed this wasn’t the first time she’d been upstairs, she was up and down about 3 times during the party (DP was downstairs in case anyone is thinking hanky panky and kids were outside playing). I didn’t question it, let it slide. She was still ignoring me, DP asked if I could do some party games so I did them and I went back into kitchen and she is making everyone tea, asking DP where things are etc. I said to DP shall we all sing happy birthday and cut cake before kids go. I get kids sitting together to sing, I went back in to the kitchen and there she is putting the candles on the cake with DP and being absolutely fine with him- despite me telling him she’s ignoring me.

When talking to DP she said as doing in a sweet sort of way, like butter wouldn’t melt, that she never talks to him in, they barely speak on pick up/drop off.

Cake done- she asks for a slice for her young nephew, I explain that we’re cutting the cake for party bags and can he wait until then. She ignored me and went “DP can you cut a slice for ‘said child’” I just looked at her?! And said again, cake is being cut to go into party bags as the kids are leaving in 3 minutes, DP agreed.

I’m quite frankly pissed off:
1 that she ignored me the whole day, but made sure she thanked me in front of DP family at the end of the party
2 about the going upstairs, which I am extremely confused about
3 every time I wasn’t in the room she was, eg, making people tea/ doing candles on the cake/ asking why this had or hadn’t been done

I do believe in moving forward I’m going to keep it brief or completely ignore her- she made her feelings very clear today in front of his family members and made me very uncomfortable in my own home.

However, I don’t think this would benefit anyone.

Anyway I’m just a little confused about everything today, I feel like I need a little rant or your opinions. Sorry it’s long, if you got to the bottom well done.

Personally I'd say you've maybe been a bit OTT and over stepping boundaries for someone who has lived with your DPs DS for 8 months.

Not even just the party but your involvement in general. Just my personal opinion

Ex crossed a line going upstairs in your house! Was it hers once? Either way, that was massively rude behaviour. She's scent marking all over the place! In future it might be best to celebrate DSC's birthday on neutral territory.

My first thought was to wonder if you'd moved into what was once their family home?

I think it sounds like overall the day went well and all things considered that is a success. Even for the most mature co parent relationship that day sounds like a challenge, including for the extended family, not an easy set up for them to manage having ex and new partner there. If you can I would try not to overthink and maybe keep things simpler in future.

She sounds like she was being annoying, but ultimately, the party went well. I,would try to,brush it off, as focusing on it will just cause,you further irritation. The things you noticed, no one else did. She has no reason to be in your house again, until/ unless your host again, so maybe next time, if you're doing a party, don't have it at home, and accept that she may try to wind you up in little ways. Don't focus on it, and if no one else saw it, trying to point it out to anyone, your partner etc will be pointless. You've managed to get your arrghhhh! Out here, move on.

I would go with an all is well that ends well mentality , and just let it go. In the future, I would let the dad take the lead on hosting activities for his son. Let him be both the planner and host and you just sit back and enjoy.

Cheeky cow. Was she even invited to the party? At the point they said they were doing separate things - sensible - anyone normal would have assumed she’d have nothing to do with your party and wouldn’t be there. No reason for her to be, she’d already had a celebration at hers.

Why didn’t you ask what she was doing upstairs?

Why was DP alright with her ignoring you? Would he accept that from anyone else? No one comes into my house and ignores or undermines me, that’s outrageous. What’s he said since?

I’d have nothing to do with her again beyond passing civility and only if she’s prepared to be polite and mature. She’s your partners ex and his son’s mother but that doesn’t make her anything to you and you owe her nothing.

She doesn’t need to set foot in your house. It doesn’t sound like she ever lived there even if she did that’s irrelevant. It’s yours and DP’s house now, she has no reason to be there.

Completely separate celebrations in future with clarity from DP that neither will be gate crashing the other’s event.

You’ve had weird responses on here. Not sure why.

@Splendo

My first thought was to wonder if you'd moved into what was once their family home?

They’ve been split up 6.5 years so what would that matter? It’s not her home.

Other people have owned our house in the past. I wouldn’t let any of them wander in uninvited and nose around upstairs.

@AnneLovesGilbert
The difference might be that in those 6.5 years that they have been separated, the dad may not have objected to the mom coming into his house. Not all divorced/ parted partners have a single or universal policy about the type of house access that they accord to their child/children's other parent.

I agree that roaming around the house was not something that most people would have done, but if this is not something that dad has objected to in the past perhaps the ex thought it to be his ongoing policy.

The OP should clarify with her partner. She has not stated that he found this to be strange or annoying.

Thank you all for your responses.

Immediately after she arrived I told DP she walked past me and didn’t acknowledge me, he wasn’t surprised and she did the exact same to him when she seen him. He knew throughout the party that she was being odd and ignoring me as she was doing similar to him, and I don’t know if she was being ‘nicey nicey’ to him when I was around as a wind up. DP apologised but said there was nothing he can do about her behaviour, which I have agreed but also said she won’t be coming in again. I really think she’s burnt her bridge with me, as horrible as that sounds. I just don’t understand why she couldn’t even say a ‘hello’.

As to her being upstairs, I’ve no idea. This was never her home, it’s a new build and it’s ours. I moved in gradually so it wasn’t too much for DP son, he would have nights here alone with DP and I would stay away, so the move was gradual.

I completely agree that it may seem OTT, but I had done 2 rounds of pass the parcel over 15 mins so DP could get the cake ready, the other 1hr 45min was solely DP, I don’t believe I over stepped boundaries. DP’s ex called him last week and asked if she could come to the party, more than once I asked her if she would like to have an input or help with anything and she said ‘No I’m leaving the party to DP and you’

I think it’s just wound me up, more so it’s upset me as I really thought we were on talking grounds- and I really have gone above and beyond to help in many ways.

“I’d have nothing to do with her again beyond passing civility and only if she’s prepared to be polite and mature. She’s your partners ex and his son’s mother but that doesn’t make her anything to you and you owe her nothing.”

@AnneLovesGilbert I am completely taking your advice here. Thank you.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@AnneLovesGilbert
The difference might be that in those 6.5 years that they have been separated, the dad may not have objected to the mom coming into his house. Not all divorced/ parted partners have a single or universal policy about the type of house access that they accord to their child/children's other parent.

I agree that roaming around the house was not something that most people would have done, but if this is not something that dad has objected to in the past perhaps the ex thought it to be his ongoing policy.

The OP should clarify with her partner. She has not stated that he found this to be strange or annoying.[/quote]
No, they have never had this type of relationship. If they ever go into one another’s house on pick up/drop off, it’s living room/ kitchen only. Basically bottom floor only. DP wasn’t happy about her being upstairs but said he hadn’t even realised, he was sorting the children after all. I just think it’s odd as obviously no one else had gone upstairs and the children were downstairs.

I know she’s not had a tour of the house, since it’s all been done. She did at the beginning when it was a shell. But does she need to? I just find it rude. I wouldn’t think of walking into anyone’s house and go upstairs.

For clarification, the party was outside, all adults were outside and children and we only went in for food and to play games. So no reason for her upstairs.

You haven’t been OTT at all and parties can be a lot of hassle and effort. You took part in that to give him a lovely birthday party and instead of being grateful she was incredibly rude to you. Not okay.

What did he say to you saying she wouldn’t be coming over again? He’d better have your back. They have equal shared care, he’s an equal parent, she has no need or right to be there at all never mind poking around.

She was trying to mark territory by the sounds of things - inviting herself to the party, coming to your home, ignoring both of you but trying to schmooze his family, trying to take over at a party she’d declined to contribute to - is she single and threatened that he’s got someone serious in his life?

It’s a bit sad if you take a step back. What’s she trying to achieve or prove? Was there thing else she could do with a childfree Saturday that appealed more than starting a pissing contest with her ex and his partner? Poor woman.

But whatever it is, not your problem. Put her from your mind and establish clear boundaries with DP. He might say he can’t do anything about her behaviour but he can limit its impact on you.

Did DSS have a good party? If yes, then objective achieved.

Her behaviour shows she felt uncomfortable being in your house and seeing herself (in her mind) supplanted. It’s not about you personally, but any other woman taking her place.

Try to feel sorry for her, rather than angry and focus on the great party.

OP, if they haven't had an relaxed access policy in the past , then it does seem odd. The obvious solution is to not invite her to events that you are hosting in your home.

You can have a civil relationship that never involves issuing or accepting invites to each others homes. Again, you have had an off putting experience but it does not need to become more than that. You know now not to invite her to events in your home.

They didn’t invite her.

Well done for giving DSS a great party!

Ex sounds like an absolute twat.

Kudos to you for keeping your cool - I don’t think I would have in your position!

*Personally I'd say you've maybe been a bit OTT and over stepping boundaries for someone who has lived with your DPs DS for 8 months.

Not even just the party but your involvement in general. Just my personal opinion*

How can you say this??? It's op's HOME. Separate celebrations had been agreed to!
Ex is a cf & I'd have no time for that behaviour at all. And I'm speaking as a dm!

Try to feel sorry for her, rather than angry and focus on the great party.

Why???
Why should op have to put up and suck up. Ex's behaviour was bang out of order.
Here we go again with sms being told to put up with all sorts of crap.

You sound completely bonkers.

@choli

You sound completely bonkers.

Oh joy. Tell me how you think Op is bonkers ? Cannot wait to hear this one 🙄

@NilPoisDrama your not being over dramatic this would have annoyed me too.

Some people engage in this type of thing, probably because she was trying to project a certain image to the family and friends ect. I feel pity for her because that type of thing is so blatant it makes people cringe.

The snooping is weird. I would have been like "are you ok ?" Really loudly as she crept down stairs (even if she had being ignoring me). Chances she would have responded if caught snooping and someone potentially might have overheard.
She was probably snooping to see if DSC living arrangements were "suitable" or to find something to drag up as gossip to pals ect

Glad DH backed you up via cake cutting, that was a power play to get him to undermine you in front of her. Bet when he didn't she was really ticked off.

Having said that party went well, hold at neutral location next time and try to let it go. When someone shows you who they truly are just believe them.

Also just egh to some of the comments on here and god love @AnneLovesGilbert for her common sense to some of the nonsense comments.

@choli

You sound completely bonkers.

No the ex is completely bonkers and has no manners.

In future OP make sure you have no contact and communication with her.

Also get it agreed with your DP that she is never to go inside your home again for any reason.

Totally confused by the suggestions you should just be happy DS had a night party. Utter rubbish.

This woman essentially invited herself into your house and was incredibly rude. You don't have to accept or tolerate it. In fact, I would give your partner first choice on addressing it, via text or email so there is a trail. If he won't, you should. I personally wouldn't allow her in my home again and I'd be making it clear.

@Restlessinthenorth

Totally confused by the suggestions you should just be happy DS had a night party. Utter rubbish.

This woman essentially invited herself into your house and was incredibly rude. You don't have to accept or tolerate it. In fact, I would give your partner first choice on addressing it, via text or email so there is a trail. If he won't, you should. I personally wouldn't allow her in my home again and I'd be making it clear.

Agree with this. Are any of the people saying this is all fine step parents?

You did a good thing helping to put on a party for DSS and it’s great that he had a brilliant time but it sounds like a nightmare for you.

She is clearly an insecure, jealous person. Turning up uninvited, ignoring you, repeatedly snooping round upstairs. Appalling behaviour, none of which was designed to support her son, which is the only role she had there.

But… you have a DH problem. I’d ask him why he allowed her ignore you and start taking over in your own home? Making tea, setting up the cake when she was not the host and definitely not your friend. And the snooping. He needs to hear how that made you feel. Maybe ask him how it would have made him feel if the roles were reversed and your ex treated him that way?

And she should not get over the threshold again.

I would suggest that she doesn't want her friends and family to know you're amicable because she can talk to them about all her life dramas then.

It sounds like your current relationship with her is a positive for DSS so I wouldn't burn bridges. I might question her on it the next time though.

She was very rude and to go upstairs what just beyond rude.

Your DO needs to address her dreadful behaviour and you need to never have her in your house again - and make sure she and her family know why.

Make sure you have no personal items from your bedroom missing. Has she stolen any jewellery?

Awful woman.

She's been very rude and shouldn't be invited to such things again. It also sounds like you've picked up an awful lot of wife work very early on. Next time I would sit back and let your DP sort out his child's birthday party. You don't have to do all that.