Step childs hobby

[GreatBigJiggly]

My step child does a hobby on a Saturday morning, one that parents are allowed to go and watch.

My husband (and occasionally SC) will always ask me to go and I feel there is an expectation that I'll want to almost. I am getting really fed up of it. I realise how mean that sounds but I'm just not interested. I'm happy to talk about it when they come home and be supportive in that sense but I'm done with spending an hour in the drizzle every Saturday morning especially as that now means I have to bring our child along too.

AIBU to make my excuses now and hope the expectation of me going fizzles out?

SC is 9 fwiw.

@nevergoesaway

Tried to quote you *@Potatoy* but I can’t for some reason.

See I find your answer slightly cold, saying you don’t care either way if your stepchild won, or did well. Would you honestly have zero emotion if they achieved something and were happy? Maybe I’m naive or just don’t understand, but it sounds like for some step parents, their partners kids are just about tolerated but not cared about at all.

I just can’t imagine wanting to be in a situation where I have to live part of the time with someone else’s children but have zero warmth towards them. It would be awful personally, but I’m thinking a lot of people just put up with it.

I agree with Potatoy that there is a lot of space in between not caring at all and caring as much as you might care about any child that isn't your own.

I am really fond of my SCs, we have a good time together when they are here and it's nice when they are happy, but equally I don't get any personal pleasure from them being happy, if you see what I mean?

Like, I assume my DP actually gets happiness himself from seeing them enjoy/achieve things, whereas I just think of course it's nice if they're enjoying something but I don't get my own happiness from that. So I definitely wouldn't go and stand on a soggy sideline every other Saturday morning just to please them.

I definitely don't have zero warmth towards them, but equally I am not as invested in them as I would be if they were mine. In the same way that they are fond of me but I don't mean half as much to them as their mum and dad do, and even their grandparents.

That’s interesting and yes you’re right it must be more nuanced than just ‘tolerating’ and ‘caring’. I imagine it’s really difficult because sometimes there will be things going on in your own home that you don’t agree with and yet if you say anything you’ll be accused of interfering! So it’s better and safer emotionally to keep some kind of distance.

Defo :)

@Bibidy thanks for your interesting reply, that actually makes total sense and I feel I’ve understood more about the dynamics of step parenting from reading this.

It definitely sounds like you care about them but in a way that makes sense for a step parent.

Go once in a while, but not every week. It’s sweet you are invited, but giving up a precious Saturday morning is a big ask.

End of season / cup final / special or trophy days fair enough, but YANBU to not want to go week in week out.

I agree with Potatoy that there is a lot of space in between not caring at all and caring as much as you might care about any child that isn't your own. I am really fond of my SCs, we have a good time together when they are here and it's nice when they are happy, but equally I don't get any personal pleasure from them being happy, if you see what I mean? Like, I assume my DP actually gets happiness himself from seeing them enjoy/achieve things, whereas I just think of course it's nice if they're enjoying something but I don't get my own happiness from that. So I definitely wouldn't go and stand on a soggy sideline every other Saturday morning just to please them. I definitely don't have zero warmth towards them, but equally I am not as invested in them as I would be if they were mine. In the same way that they are fond of me but I don't mean half as much to them as their mum and dad do, and even their grandparents.

Absolutely, same here. I'm pleased for them, but that's about it.

I also think it's healthy for kids above a very young age to start to understand that they can have their own thing and that people don't always need to watch them do everything same here @aSofaNearYou. The whole world doesn't revolve around them. I see myself as a sort of intermediate level where their parent's life revolves around them, they mean nothing to most of the world and I am kind of one or two steps down from their parents. Sort of at auntie level.

And I don't mean that in a horrible way at all. It would be weird for them if I cared as much as their parents and made them centre of my life. They are slightly off centre.

I spent many cold, wet mornings on the side of a football pitch when DSS was younger, and DS just came along - wrapped up well in sling when younger, then used to play around on the sidelines. He was desperate to start at the same club as his big brother as soon as he could!

I don’t enjoy football, couldn’t tell you the rules, and my contribution was pretty much just cheering on, but I’m glad I went, it was a pretty significant part of his life for many years.

By the time he got to senior school we’d only watch the odd match, and then he switched to rugby and I gave up!

I have a brilliant relationship with DSS (almost 18), which I think is mainly down to the fact that I naively dove head first into being a step-mum, without really thinking through the long term consequences, but it’s worked for us.

For me, the only way I know how to parent is to treat him as if he was my own - and I’m very grateful to his mum who has always been amenable to that.

@oreosoreosoreos

I spent many cold, wet mornings on the side of a football pitch when DSS was younger, and DS just came along - wrapped up well in sling when younger, then used to play around on the sidelines. He was desperate to start at the same club as his big brother as soon as he could!

I don’t enjoy football, couldn’t tell you the rules, and my contribution was pretty much just cheering on, but I’m glad I went, it was a pretty significant part of his life for many years.

By the time he got to senior school we’d only watch the odd match, and then he switched to rugby and I gave up!

I have a brilliant relationship with DSS (almost 18), which I think is mainly down to the fact that I naively dove head first into being a step-mum, without really thinking through the long term consequences, but it’s worked for us.

For me, the only way I know how to parent is to treat him as if he was my own - and I’m very grateful to his mum who has always been amenable to that.

Lots of people have talked about not enjoying it as a younger sibling, though. I imagine lots of children would be restless and bored and would prefer to do something else with their weekend.

@aSofaNearYou good point. DSC1 has strongly protested about being made to go to DSC2s as activity. They feel bad about themselves for not being able to do it too. There's no way I'd subject my LO to that.

Just go occasionally as it's the nice thing to do-but don't commit to every week?

When you're asked, just say no thanks. It shouldn't be a big deal.

God, do people really go and watch football or cricket every single week? I don't do that with my own DCs, let alone somebody else's! Isn't that what husbands/partners/boyfriends are for?

I might go for a couple final, or the first or last games of the season. Maybe.

I do sometimes and chat to the other parents, it's more of a social thing. Not every week, though, we prefer to carpool and take turns!

I think it's important to most kids they have someone to support them, help if they are injured at a match.
Personally I enjoy it (not the football, but watching child having fun) but as long as they have an adult there, they don't need two

Only one of you needs to be there, and that's DH.

Doesn’t the dsd MUM want to go every so often?

If you don’t want to go, just say you’re doing brunch for them to come back to etc etc

The way you’ve phrased things sounds like you don’t see SC as much a part of your family as your DC

Would you be annoyed if your DC invited you to see their hobby? If you wouldn’t YABU
If you would be annoyed YANBU

Look at the thread love before you start with the step mum is a bitch schtick…

MOST of the together parents here take turns or don’t go see their own child…. I didn’t have that choice cos I was on my own, I’ve done hours, DAYS leaning into wind and rain on touch lines

Nope, never went to any - dead boring 🤷‍♀️

Just why would I ever want to do that

The way you’ve phrased things sounds like you don’t see SC as much a part of your family as your DC
The way she's phrased things sounds like she doesn't see SC as as much her child as her actual child is.
Because, you know, biology and the law etc.

Would you be annoyed if your DC invited you to see their hobby? If you wouldn’t YABU
If you would be annoyed YANBU
But they’re totally different… let’s just be blunt about it, seeing your own child enjoy their hobby is far more fulfilling than seeing any other kid.
Also OP is more likely to be obliged to go to her own child’s activities because she has a responsibility to them as their actual parent,

My dh takes both dc to older dcs footy and leaves me home alone . I go when I feel like it as it’s quite a nice social thing, but when I feel like it is linked to sunny.

I would go occasionally but not every week. We used to all watch my eldest play football, I should have packed that in earlier because it wasn't really fair on their siblings.