Step childs hobby

[GreatBigJiggly]

My step child does a hobby on a Saturday morning, one that parents are allowed to go and watch.

My husband (and occasionally SC) will always ask me to go and I feel there is an expectation that I'll want to almost. I am getting really fed up of it. I realise how mean that sounds but I'm just not interested. I'm happy to talk about it when they come home and be supportive in that sense but I'm done with spending an hour in the drizzle every Saturday morning especially as that now means I have to bring our child along too.

AIBU to make my excuses now and hope the expectation of me going fizzles out?

SC is 9 fwiw.

@aSofaNearYou this is true! Not the end of the world at all and I do empathise with op not wanting to go, I think maybe I’m just not assertive enough ha!

Just book a swimming lesson for your youngest at the same time.

If the weather’s good, you can swap!

Assuming you’re going to no hobbies with either child it’s fine. Resentment sets in when it’s ok re some of the children not others.

An appearance every 6-8 weeks to keep step child happy seems to be the way to go. They're the one whose feelings I'd be concerned about, but they get one parent there all the time so are doing ok. Dad is an adult and can cope with going somewhere on his own.

I try not to go to my own children’s hobbies if I can help it. I certainly wouldn’t feel obligated to go to someone else’s

Assuming you’re going to no hobbies with either child it’s fine. Resentment sets in when it’s ok re some of the children not others.

So if she decides to go and watch her own child do their swimming lessons then that’s wrong?

The dsc’s own parents watch them, so how would it be unfair if the op went to watch her own child do something? The op should be able to do the same for her child without feeling like she “owes” the dsc her presence.

@funinthesun19

Assuming you’re going to no hobbies with either child it’s fine. Resentment sets in when it’s ok re some of the children not others.

So if she decides to go and watch her own child do their swimming lessons then that’s wrong?

The dsc’s own parents watch them, so how would it be unfair if the op went to watch her own child do something? The op should be able to do the same for her child without feeling like she “owes” the dsc her presence.

I do agree with this, of course the op is going to be more invested in watching her own child doing their hobby. That’s completely normal. The only reason I suggested maybe going once every 8 weeks is just as a compromise because the SC has asked her to come and watch. But yes, they’ve got their own parents watching already so there shouldn’t be any obligation.

nevergoesaway yes I agree that it’s fine going every few weeks but even then I think it should be when the op actually wants to go. It may be 10 weeks then 2 weeks and then another 8 weeks. I think that’s totally fine.

It’s this notion that the op mustn’t invest time in her own children’s lives unless she does exactly the same for dsc (who have their own parents doing that for them) that I don’t agree with.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Assuming you’re going to no hobbies with either child it’s fine. Resentment sets in when it’s ok re some of the children not others.

SC had their own parents to watch them. OP can go and watch her own child if she wants. She isn't going to be as interested in watching her SC do something she's had no say in them doing anyway.

@Namechangeforthis88

I mean we love them and we're proud of course, but we're better at showing when we've had a break.

This is so true. And I'd rather watch paint dry than one of my DSC's hobbies. It's so dull watching someone do something when you don't really care either way if they win or not.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Assuming you’re going to no hobbies with either child it’s fine. Resentment sets in when it’s ok re some of the children not others.

You think taking your own child to their hobby is the same?

@funinthesun19

nevergoesaway yes I agree that it’s fine going every few weeks but even then I think it should be when the op actually wants to go. It may be 10 weeks then 2 weeks and then another 8 weeks. I think that’s totally fine.

It’s this notion that the op mustn’t invest time in her own children’s lives unless she does exactly the same for dsc (who have their own parents doing that for them) that I don’t agree with.

Well yeah the every 8 weeks thing doesn’t have to be set in stone, I just meant ‘occasionally’ really, however that might end up working out.

And yes I agree, no step parent should have to invest the same amount of time and energy into their Sc as their own kids.

I wouldn’t want to stand in the rain watching my own child play a sport on a Saturday morning, let alone anyone else’s! DH and I would have taken turns but certainly not made a sibling go unless it was unavoidable.

And unless the sibling wants to go its going to lead to resentment if they could have stayed at home and done something fun instead.

Tried to quote you @Potatoy but I can’t for some reason.

See I find your answer slightly cold, saying you don’t care either way if your stepchild won, or did well. Would you honestly have zero emotion if they achieved something and were happy? Maybe I’m naive or just don’t understand, but it sounds like for some step parents, their partners kids are just about tolerated but not cared about at all.

I just can’t imagine wanting to be in a situation where I have to live part of the time with someone else’s children but have zero warmth towards them. It would be awful personally, but I’m thinking a lot of people just put up with it.

My DH and I always split the kids clubs, he did sunday rugby and I did the saturday with other clubs. We didnt feel the need to head out as a group as that is not required. I am always bemused when it comes to stepkids the father expects his partner to come along.

I would be happy they were happy I'm not heartless. But no I don't care if they win or lose really, they are still my lovely SC either way. It's not up to me to help them develop their skills in whatever it is they want to do and I do find one of their hobbies really dull and uninteresting. I am proud of them for being they don't have to win trophies for me to love them.

@Potatoy

I would be happy they were happy I'm not heartless. But no I don't care if they win or lose really, they are still my lovely SC either way. It's not up to me to help them develop their skills in whatever it is they want to do and I do find one of their hobbies really dull and uninteresting. I am proud of them for being they don't have to win trophies for me to love them.

This makes total sense, thanks so much for replying, I worried after that I’d come across as rude. I understand exactly what you mean.

Maybe I’m naive or just don’t understand, but it sounds like for some step parents, their partners kids are just about tolerated but not cared about at all. I think the difference between tolerating and caring is quite a wide one. I care way more about my own DC than my SDC but I don't just tolerate them. I have to be detached so I don't care toooo much and get told I'm not their parent. If I'm not allowed to care and help with their school work which I'm keen to help with as they ask me. I'm not going to go out my way to watch their really dull hobby.

Not unreasonable but going once a month or 6 weeks shows interest. I couldn't stand taking my dd to football but I it would be wrong to never show an interest

@nevergoesaway no worries. It is hard to get across nuances here so I probably do come across quite harsh but my relationship with my SC is a good one.

If this was me I'd go once every few weeks if it was my SC who wanted me to go and watch them and not just my DP not wanting to go alone.

I also wouldn't feel pressured into manufacturing or fibbing about 'other plans' because your DH is likely to know you haven't got other plans on a Saturday morning (assuming it's early) and you also shouldn't feel like you have to make some in order to get out of going to this.

You have a child who likely doesn't want to be dragged out early on Saturday morning for something which is probably boring for them. If it was in important match or performance then I'd go, but otherwise I'd make it a very occasional thing.

Kids don't need a family day out for their hobby. Surely it's enough for one parent to stand around at a training session. Or if they wanted an audience then their mother could attend too. I never went to Ds training sessions and wouldn't have dreamed of dragging the other kids out to watch. I went to very few actual matches over the years. Dh did it all as he was actually interested in the sport. @GreatBigJiggly YANBU. Just say you aren't going, it's an opportunity for Dh to spend time with/watch his child and let that be the end of it.

@Bibidy

If this was me I'd go once every few weeks if it was my SC who wanted me to go and watch them and not just my DP not wanting to go alone.

I also wouldn't feel pressured into manufacturing or fibbing about 'other plans' because your DH is likely to know you haven't got other plans on a Saturday morning (assuming it's early) and you also shouldn't feel like you have to make some in order to get out of going to this.

You have a child who likely doesn't want to be dragged out early on Saturday morning for something which is probably boring for them. If it was in important match or performance then I'd go, but otherwise I'd make it a very occasional thing.

I agree with this, and to be honest I also think it's healthy for kids above a very young age to start to understand that they can have their own thing and that people don't always need to watch them do everything. It's part of growing up and considering others.

@Potatoy

Maybe I’m naive or just don’t understand, but it sounds like for some step parents, their partners kids are just about tolerated but not cared about at all. I think the difference between tolerating and caring is quite a wide one. I care way more about my own DC than my SDC but I don't just tolerate them. I have to be detached so I don't care toooo much and get told I'm not their parent. If I'm not allowed to care and help with their school work which I'm keen to help with as they ask me. I'm not going to go out my way to watch their really dull hobby.

That’s interesting and yes you’re right it must be more nuanced than just ‘tolerating’ and ‘caring’. I imagine it’s really difficult because sometimes there will be things going on in your own home that you don’t agree with and yet if you say anything you’ll be accused of interfering! So it’s better and safer emotionally to keep some kind of distance.

You sound like a really nice step mum 🥰