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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why am I so annoyed?

76 replies

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 15:17

Picked the DDSs up from their mums around lunch time today - the youngest (12 year old) walked out of his mums house (they see her one evening/ night a week- long story) with 2 cans of coke in his hand (1 of which he was drinking) and climbed in the car. During general chit chat I asked what he'd had for his breakfast- he said I wasn't hungry- so I said you've had coke for your breakfast? He said no it's just a drink.. I asked him what they'd had for tea yesterday- they'd had Macdonald's..
We got in and I asked him if he wanted poached eggs and soldiers... yes please he said..

I really do my utmost best to give them good food and she lets them all the shite they want ... I've already asked her not to give the youngest fizzy drinks because he's been through a dirty phase and found every trick in the book not to shower or clean his teeth. He has now got to have a couple of fillings which she knows about. Just so annoyed about it. It's an easy option to give them whatever they want. But it's not the right way to do it. Views?
I can't talk to her about it. Not sure she is completely with it tbh (don't mean to be cruel here )

OP posts:

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Getawaywithit · 09/08/2021 00:03

Seriously? You told the child’s mum what she should/shouldn’t feed her child when he’s with her? How about I come round and critique everything you do with your children and see how you like it?!

giggly · 09/08/2021 01:15

@Maximum71 your welcome, I am lovely but you miss my point, I suspect on purpose. You and your dh have the dc 6 nights out of 7 stop being ridiculous that one night of junk food will do the dc long term harm if you are giving them healthy food the rest of time.

Potatoy · 09/08/2021 06:07

One night a week is 52 nights of junk food a year.
It's like 1/7th of the nights, I'm not sure why posters are so sure that eating that much junk food isn't going to do any harm.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 06:58

@Getawaywithit
Read my post again - I haven't told her anything- I feel like I 'hand' them over for a 20 hour period- and she doesn't look after them (perhaps to my standard- that's probably my issue) I love them so much that I hate this form of 'neglect'- That's what it boils down to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 07:03

@giggly
They equate love to being enabled to eat as much utter shite and drink as much coke as they can in a 20 hour period. How's that going to help them in the future- there's obviously more going on here than an occasional Macdonald's- not sure if you've spotted that. I want them to have a healthier mindset for their own sake not for me.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 09/08/2021 09:22

[quote Maximum71]@giggly
They equate love to being enabled to eat as much utter shite and drink as much coke as they can in a 20 hour period. How's that going to help them in the future- there's obviously more going on here than an occasional Macdonald's- not sure if you've spotted that. I want them to have a healthier mindset for their own sake not for me. [/quote]
Exactly. There are a million ways a mother can show love to her child without involving sugar.

MeridianB · 09/08/2021 09:27

@pootleforPM

Jeez SMs really can't win can they? The DM for whatever reason can't / won't parent her children for more than one day a week and OP is kindly stepping up to support her partner and his children as much as she can and actually cares about their health. It doesn't say anywhere in here that her DP doesn't pull his weight, perhaps he has a long hours stressful job, perhaps the OP is a SAHM and has more time on her hands to do pick ups and make dentists appointments etc. Perhaps the DCs are happy that someone is taking a motherly role with them given their own DM appears to have mostly checked out for some reason. Would it be better if OP didn't care?!

This, exactly.

I doubt there would be so many really nasty comments if this was a mum posting about a NRP dad.

GreatBigJiggly · 09/08/2021 09:29

@Fullofglee

Your not their dm why isn't their dad collecting them? I think its nothing to do with you a treat like a Mcdonald isn't going to kill them, sounds you don't like their dm.

No actually, it sounds like there is a lot more to this than just what's in the original OP. It sounds like OP has probably taken on the role of these children's mother because their own mother has issues which means she isn't able to parent them properly. That's what it sounds like. So I'd say it absolutely isn't nothing to do with her.

GreatBigJiggly · 09/08/2021 09:31

@Getawaywithit

It's not really the same though is it. Clearly for some reason this mother isn't really parenting her kids. She sees them once a week and it sounds like there is more to this and that OP is essentially taking on the role of mother for these children 90% of the time. I would assume that's not the case for you?

GreatBigJiggly · 09/08/2021 09:35

Also love how when it's a useless Dad we are talking about, poster's are always praising the step father who 'steps up' to do what their own Dad doesn't for them. But a step mother trying to do the same should butt out.

cansu · 09/08/2021 09:36

I think that being judgemental and nasty about a couple of cans of coke is pretty ridiculous. You say yourself that the kids love their mum and obviously get something from their visits. It really does sound like you get something from being the better parent which you might want to tone down a bit! I doubt that one night a week at mums is the reason for their fillings or poor hygiene although I can see why you have decided to lay the blame there. By the way not being able to communicate with their children's other parent really isn't ideal for the kids.

StarryNight468 · 09/08/2021 09:38

OP you are doing such a great job. If you were a Foster carer and the dc were having contact with their parents and had the same issues you'd have much more support.

Heliachi · 09/08/2021 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

GreatBigJiggly · 09/08/2021 09:40

@StarryNight468

OP you are doing such a great job. If you were a Foster carer and the dc were having contact with their parents and had the same issues you'd have much more support.

Or if the NRP in question was a man of course.

FawnFrenchieMum · 09/08/2021 09:45

I honestly can’t believe that people think someone who has their DSC 6 out of 7 days should leave all the parenting to the bio parent. That could never work in real life!

OP - for the sake of one day per week, id just move on as annoying as it is. Think of it as when the kids go to grandparents and get spoilt rotten, annoying but unlikely to change.

Ozanj · 09/08/2021 09:54

As they only see her 1 day a week the tooth decay / fillings / dirty phase are all your fault. Talk to your dentist about how you can help improve their dental care.

Getawaywithit · 09/08/2021 10:18

I haven't told her anything

In your first post you said I've already asked her not to give the youngest fizzy drinks

So once again, how about we critique your parenting?

Elieza · 09/08/2021 10:28

There’s a reason she only has them one day a week.

It could be that she doesn’t understand about nutrition and eats like that herself. Perhaps cereal for breakfast, no lunch, mcd’s for tea. No fruit as she doesn’t like it. Handfuls of sweets and crisps. Who knows.

Or she may eat healthily and just wants to ‘buy’ the love of her kids in the one day.

The main thing is that the kids parents have to sort things out or decide to continue as is.

Frustrating for the step parent but as long as you/the kids tell your DH about what’s happening the balls in his court to decide what’s the best way forward.

The only thing I’d suggest is not to go in the total opposite direction, you know like good cop bad cop, because she gives them sweets and fizz we won’t give them any. Give them what you would give them whether or not she gave them it earlier in the week too.

Just keep up the teeth cleaning half an hour after anything acidic like fruit juice or coke. Not right away as that can damage apparently.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 19:25

@Getawaywithit
I'd asked /suggested to her to not to give the boys too much sugary stuff about 9 months ago - this was after I'd taken the boys to the dentist and the cavity's had been sighted. I explained about the visit to the dentist and she (seemed to) completely agree and told me she would make sure he was eating healthily and cleaning his teeth there.
Bit of background; I'd moved in with DH 10 months previous to the dentist adventure ...

I think if I'd barged in there like a bull in a China shop laying down the law to 2 boys I'd known 3 months it would not have gone down well with anyone. It's a shaky base when you're a new step mum - not sure if you're one or not..
In case you're wondering: my own girls have zero fillings

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 19:27

@FawnFrenchieMum I think you're right.. I'm just going to suck it up. Thanks
This thread has helped me put things into perspective.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 19:34

@cansu
Oh I try to communicate... my calls and texts are never answered or returned. I am always pleasant to her. I do admit to thinking she could have pulled her socks up a bit with regards to the boys. It's hard to communicate with someone who looks at you blankly if it's not exactly what she wanted to hear. The only thing I get from being the better parent is knowing that they are safe and loved. I and my partner would have loved a co parenting situation. It's blooming hard work looking after the boys. I've already raised my own kids. I feel like I've done my time as a parent to teenagers . I'm actually tired out. I also work full time. I would have loved a bit more quality time with my partner with no kids around. But: Cest la vie.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 19:35

@StarryNight468 thanks for the encouragement- I sometimes just want to take more naps

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 19:40

@Elieza
Before I moved in I suspect they could get away with much more than now.. it's hard to find a balance because both me and the 12 year old think we know it all

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 09/08/2021 21:30

@Ozanj

As they only see her 1 day a week the tooth decay / fillings / dirty phase are all your fault. Talk to your dentist about how you can help improve their dental care.

This made me laugh ... it really did.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 09/08/2021 21:49

@Getawaywithit

I haven't told her anything

In your first post you said I've already asked her not to give the youngest fizzy drinks

So once again, how about we critique your parenting?

Do you feel inferior to your child's step parent, by any chance?

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