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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why am I so annoyed?

76 replies

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 15:17

Picked the DDSs up from their mums around lunch time today - the youngest (12 year old) walked out of his mums house (they see her one evening/ night a week- long story) with 2 cans of coke in his hand (1 of which he was drinking) and climbed in the car. During general chit chat I asked what he'd had for his breakfast- he said I wasn't hungry- so I said you've had coke for your breakfast? He said no it's just a drink.. I asked him what they'd had for tea yesterday- they'd had Macdonald's..
We got in and I asked him if he wanted poached eggs and soldiers... yes please he said..

I really do my utmost best to give them good food and she lets them all the shite they want ... I've already asked her not to give the youngest fizzy drinks because he's been through a dirty phase and found every trick in the book not to shower or clean his teeth. He has now got to have a couple of fillings which she knows about. Just so annoyed about it. It's an easy option to give them whatever they want. But it's not the right way to do it. Views?
I can't talk to her about it. Not sure she is completely with it tbh (don't mean to be cruel here )

OP posts:

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Tiredoftattler · 08/08/2021 15:46

I don't think that many parents wake up each day thinking what can I do to bring harm to my children today. Many simply lack the knowledge, awareness ,finances or ability to do better.

If you think that she is lacking the ability to make better decisions, why not send food with them? Sending food is probably less expensive over time than paying for repeated dental expenses.

Perhaps their father should be the one to initiate these types of discussions with the mom. Obviously, they were capable of communicating enough to create 2 lives; there must have been some level of mutual understanding between the 2 of them.

dementedpixie · 08/08/2021 15:48

If they are only seeing her 1 night week then that 1 occasion isn't going to be the cause of the fillings. My dc often don't eat breakfast either or they have it much later at weekends. Nothing wrong with the odd McDonald's either

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 15:59

If she's seeing them 1 night a week she may well want to play Disney parent.

It's not really your battle to have. She parents her way and you parent yours.

I know it's shit because you're trying to do your best by them but if it's not causing too much friction I wouldn't mention it again.

AlmostSummer21 · 08/08/2021 16:01

I wouldn't be impressed either.

However, it seems like there are/she has 'issues' & I would just make sure they're well fed before & after going there .

I'd stand over them while they clean their teeth properly & book them in for more regular dental visits for a good clean (hygienist I suppose)

A lot of kids go through a 'skanky' stage, I'd just oversee a lot of basic hygiene, until they emerge and you're at the shouting for them to get out of the shower stage.

Yes she's not parenting them properly, but that's why they're only one night a week isn't it?'

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 16:39

These are your stepchildren? If so I'd take a massive step back and let their parents feed them how they see fit.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 16:39

Otherwise you'll only get yourself more upset when you try your best and they don't give a shit.

arcof · 08/08/2021 16:45

You don't get a say in what their mum feeds them sadly. I appreciate you spend more time with them than she does but it's simply not your place and I would never dream of it and am in a similar situation to you family-wise. Also Dad should be picking them up surely. HE does get a say and could have this chat with the mum.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 16:52

@AlmostSummer21

I wouldn't be impressed either.

However, it seems like there are/she has 'issues' & I would just make sure they're well fed before & after going there .

I'd stand over them while they clean their teeth properly & book them in for more regular dental visits for a good clean (hygienist I suppose)

A lot of kids go through a 'skanky' stage, I'd just oversee a lot of basic hygiene, until they emerge and you're at the shouting for them to get out of the shower stage.

Yes she's not parenting them properly, but that's why they're only one night a week isn't it?'

Yeah that's why it's one night a week. Thanks for understanding x I just needed to vent and OH Knows what she is like - they don't communicate.

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 08/08/2021 17:06

Your not their dm why isn't their dad collecting them? I think its nothing to do with you a treat like a Mcdonald isn't going to kill them, sounds you don't like their dm.

kaleidoscopeheartless · 08/08/2021 17:12

I know it's annoying but pick your battles if it's only once a week.

Lumpwoody · 08/08/2021 17:13

You should step back and let their dad do the pick ups and drop offs and engage with his ex.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2021 17:14

@Fullofglee

Your not their dm why isn't their dad collecting them? I think its nothing to do with you a treat like a Mcdonald isn't going to kill them, sounds you don't like their dm.

Why would she like her? She sounds like a shit parent. No obligation on OP to like her or anyone.

Tiredoftattler · 08/08/2021 17:15

OP, remind your husband that choosing not to communicate because it is difficult is an option that you forgo when you choose to have children.
He cannot make his ex responsive in a positive way, but that does not mean that he should stop saying that which needs to be said.

Parenting is not always easy but it should always happen in an effective manner. People who managed to communicate when it was easy or pleasurable do not lack the ability to communicate when it becomes challenging. They simply lose the desire and interest in communicating.

The ex should hear what is appropriate even if she then fails to act in the most appropriate manner.

LatentPhase · 08/08/2021 17:21

Well, you’re annoyed because you care, and you care more than the parents.

I really hope your OH appreciates you.

But for 1 day a week I would not sweat it.

DancesWithTortoises · 08/08/2021 17:22

@Fullofglee

Your not their dm why isn't their dad collecting them? I think its nothing to do with you a treat like a Mcdonald isn't going to kill them, sounds you don't like their dm.

Such a predictable response.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 17:26

@DancesWithTortoises hahah love the bingo!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 17:27

@LatentPhase
Yes that's it. Thanks, I brought my own kids up really healthily- and they're both parents now and do as I did..
so I want the best for the boys too. They're not mine but I do love them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 17:29

@AnneLovesGilbert
Haha yes in my eyes she is a really shitty parent in many ways. But the boys love her and are extremely loyal - so I do my best to be nice to her. There is no way I would ever choose her to be my friend though.

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 08/08/2021 17:30

Why because she gave them a McDonald's? It's not down to op to tell the dm off. I'd tell her where to go. Its down to ops dh to actually co parent like like adult with his ex THEY CREATED THE CHILDREN. The dm only sees them once a week that wouldn't contributed to having fillings it's just easier to blame the dm. My dh wouldn't dream of being disrectful to ds dad any issues I speak directly with ex like an adult.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 17:32

@Tiredoftattler you can't get through to her. She just looks at you blankly... I deal with the nits, the dentist appointments etc.The boys actually ask me above dad tbh. I am a bit softer

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 08/08/2021 17:35

Your not their dm why isn't their dad collecting them? I think its nothing to do with you a treat like a Mcdonald isn't going to kill them, sounds you don't like their dm. Why should she? As for “you’re not their DM,” it’s naive to think that someone who has children living with them for 6 out of 7 days isn’t bringing them up and that all parenting should be left to the biological parents.

The DM sounds shit. If this was a father people were talking about people would make their views of him known, so why should a mother be any different?

namechanged192 · 08/08/2021 17:36

Quick to judge the mothers parenting but majority resides with you and has recently gone through 'a dirty phase' where he doesn't wash or brush his teeth resulting in fillings in his adult teeth...

I suggest you perfect your own parenting first and ensure that he is brushing his teeth and washing.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 17:41

@namechanged192
I feel like this is a mean comment - I do my best. He's got better because I care about him. Coming home dirty from his mums doesn't help the cause tho does it..

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2021 17:41

Some stepparent threads get silly, but I've heard it all now where a woman who has the children 6/7 days week and plays a full and active role in the children's life should keep her nose out.

There's clearly history and Mum is being a Disney parent (something most people rightly criticise NRP Dads for doing). It's not unreasonable to expect their father to mention issues.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 17:44

@namechanged192 also good to note that the majority of care should not rest with me and DH. But it does so we do our best.

OP posts:

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